Yeah actually I am, and I'm not high right now. I'm waiting a bit and lowering my usage. Thanks for asking. I got an interview and it really boosted my confidence : ) I have a lot of problems going on and my girl left me after 5 years a while ago she just ran away without saying anything it literally took me like a month to figure it out. Is that even a thing? Panic disorder, BPD, chronic pain... I'm on Heroin for the rest of my life. It's the best medication I have found when it's raw. I got a half gram but I'm taking a week break and popping my weak oxy's with a little speed. I went overboard recently. I'm never buying large amounts at once again haha. I thought it would save me money ... LOL. I went through a half ounce in a few weeks which is way way way too much for my normal tolerance. So yeah. No more than a gram at a time max.
I don't plan on quitting at all. I need a job, and I can't work if I'm sick. I can't work if my back is fucking killing me. I can't work if I'm having BPD outbursts at colleagues, miserable about not getting laid EVER, or having panic attacks. I need a 40mg rail before every shift. I'm not down for the lifelong battle when I was so mental ill and in chronic pain I was ready to die before I took that first dilaudid. It's just my life and I embrace it as much as I can. Whenever I try and quit, my benzo usage escalates to insane proportions. I will take like 50mg xanax in a day. It's retarded and makes me feel dumb. I'm better off on a point a day or so with some oxy and a kpin. Roll hard every 2 years is my recreational thing, I don't drink or smoke anything... well I guess a little dmt.
Why did I have to fuck up my spine so bad at 23? It's been years and years of agony and when you're in that much pain day after day, it fucks your head up really bad. I can't handle the back pain and it never goes away unless I'm opiates. I might end up living a short life but you know, I don't care. I'd rather live five years of happiness than a lifetime of worsening misery. However, I plan on getting married and having a career in engineering. I'm taking it easy now looking for part-time work to ease my way back into work (I had to stop working for several years due to the excruciating pain... now with heroin, I will work harder than I ever have in my life at my next job.) I'll just make sure to never ever run out, and watch my use so that I don't overdo it. My friends who know call me the healthiest junky ever haha. I'm not bragging or anything I'm not like that fuck I'm fuckin nothing. It's just funny how I'm a 200 lb highly flexible yogi heroin addict in extreme chronic pain. I don't know. That's just kinda funny because without the heroin I was 150 at most, and as I past bodybuilder at max 220lbs it was a huge part of my life. Watching that decade of work disappear as I withered away in pain unable to fucking go for a walk around the block let alone hit the weights was the most depressing thing of my life apart from girl problems. Which I am getting better at. On heroin, I can talk to any girl and just be myself. It's great because normally I'm really shy or so depressed about not getting laid I can't even talk to them. I have built up a lot of sustainable confidence with heroin (whether I have it or not, I am a very confident man now and I wasn't before. It also unlocked my creativity with guitar... when I got China White chipped off a SEA brick... 90%+ pure, I was writing music like crazy. I no longer saw the point of covers, or anything other than improvising and recording until I found something I liked. The heroin has changed me but I am nothing without it. Nothing but a scummy fuck who lays in bed suffering day after day.
So I need to avoid that by keeping my use under control (to be honest, I had greater difficulty controlling my cannabis intake than my heroin sniffing, as heroin is truly a medicine for me. I don't care what anyone says, it treats everything that's wrong with me and it's worth every penny of suffering and money for someone like me. I understand that usually isn't the case, but I have so many problems I wouldn't be here writing this if it wasn't for this drug. I really think it should be legal and actually doctors in my country are allowed to prescribe it to long term addicts as a special access. So, eventually I will probably get on board with that, when they realize I am a productive member of societty that cannot//will not ever quit.
I really appreciated when you asked if I was feeling better. Means a lot to me because all my friends are online these days or out of town. Apart from my little bro, I just love the guy. He was laughing at my MDMA trip the other day I was telling him about. I left my body and experienced astral projection for the first time. It blew my mind to smithereens more than any acid ever has. I hadn't used in 18 months and took 150 mg. It mangled me lol. But then I hit 3 days of CT heroin withdrawal I was NOT prepared for and with the E hangover and I've been using speed it was seriously fucking hell. I don't mean to complain I am a man after all and I should be strong and fight but you know how it is. Some people aren't cut out for pain like that. I'm like that. Just a total hedonist.
One thing I'm really confused about is injection. I think it would be a YMMV type of thing. I think I'm staying away from it for now. Sniffing is working out and if anything I should be drastically cutting back if I want to keep using long term. I don't know what I'm doing and it kinda creeps me out to be honest. I've had needles around for 6 months but every time I choose withdrawal because it's just a line I refuse to cross. I'll withdraw before I do that. I like my rails even though I know I'm hurting my nose (but nothing like vasoconstrictive coke... although I like a little of that from time to time. I used a gram over the whole winter so I don't have problems with stimulants. I love speed when I'm in mild opiate withdrawal for the energy as opposed to laying in bed, but that's it.