It must be particularly difficult given the issues your wife is having with everything you're going through. I wonder if this might help...
Have you thought about writing her a love letter of sort? There is no need, and frankly I think it would trigger her, if you were to write on about your drug use and how you're struggling with kicking per se.
Instead, how about a simpler one, first talking about how much she means to you. Think back to the best times in your relationship, reminisce with her for a second about these, and reflect upon how many wonderful things you two still have yet to do and experience together as partners in this business of life.
Then, perhaps, simply ask for her help. Not in terms of her helping you manage this new start or keeping you on the right side of the line, but for her patience, understanding and compassion for what what you, and her, are going through right now. Express how what you want to do most of all when it comes to her is to love her and support her. And how what you are doing for yourself now is to going to be necessary in allowing you to do so. Frame this all in terms of how you are well on your way to starting a new chapter in life. Express your wish that she find compassion for how she has been affect by the consequences of your previous lifestyle. As her for help as you establish healthy self care practices and habits, and the important role you both play in supporting cultivate a healthier lifestyle.
Share with her how much you are struggling, about the grayness of the world you're currently inhabiting, how you are struggling to find a place between pushing yourself so hard to get healthier and not getting to overwhelmed by all the effort you are putting into this. Emphasize that your struggles are not with your relationship with her, but with your transitioning to a healthier lifestyle. Tell her that you are struggling with mustering enough compassion to care for yourself during this transition. Ask her for her compassion, to see what you're doing now for what it is: a challenging, painful, beautiful process.
Emphasize how all you want to do in your relationship with her is to see her happy and health, and how you know that this is what she ultimately wants for you. Emphasize your struggle with maintaining balance as things change so radically in your lifestyle, how it is so easy to get caught up in your fears and your anxieties for the future, and how challenging it can be to remain in the here and now with what your doing. And how being present for yourself is what you need more than anything, not to dwell on the past for perseverate on throughs of the future.
And simply tell her how much she means to you, how it is so important to get healthy, not just for yourself but also for the wellbeing of your most important relationship. And tell her that you love her. And then leave it under her pillow or something with a flower (does she have a favorite variety?). When you're writing the letter, perhaps after the first draft, reread it with an eye to how the way you word things or what you're writing about might end up triggering her. You can always find ways of rewriting things, simply using different words, in order to express whatever it is you need to express in kind and gentle ways as opposed to triggering ways.
Of not of course
But if this sounds like a good idea, I have often found and heard very positive feedback about how useful such a kind of love letter can be in helping to navigate the difficulties of maintain a healthy spousal relationship early in recovery.
I hope you get some sleep! And that the woods treated you well!! That is one of my favorite self care practices. There is actually this Japanese clinical treatment called "Forest Bathing." They found that spending 45 minutes a day walking through the forest to be more effect when dealing with depression than antidepressants alone. IME there is more than something to this technique.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
