☮ Social ☮ PD Social Talk Thread: Somatic Swirly Sepia Summer Sausage Stage Set Suppository

[Morninggloryseed]

I know how this is. Without divulging too much...lets just say this is way too close to home. It is a literal miracle i can respond to you as i had one crazy summer. Your post is so close to home. Things are on the up for me but it scares me how crazy i can be and how crazy i am known to get when things go low. If you want help reach out. If i cou!d figure out how to make tri!lian work on this damned machine id be an ear. Life is too amazing to let our excesses and depression get the best of us. Someone cares so share with them and know what you are feelingv.

Im back to thinking about an IV shot of 100mg fent, 100mg etizolam, and a few shots of whiskey. Life coupd be going fine....

 

[Img_9999]

Sunday anxiety is hitting me hard today so I'll vent here a little bit. Sorry everyone.

Yah partly seasonal. Partly my car is fucked and I am waiting to find out how much so. Waiting to hear "yeah you need a new engine" which I cant afford.

Im tired of being looked at as the fuckup. Tired of asking for $$$/$. Just tired of always starting over. Tired of kbowing with my record I am fuckrd out of any decent job, and in 5-15 years it probably wont matter because the one world government will have us under lock and key.

Its just such a painful feeeling somedays to even exist. Spent the past few hours reading suicidewatch and suicide befravement subreddits. Part of me is pissed at the people who cry in the berevement sub. Like ya wanna bitch now but wtf did you do to help when they were around.

It just hurts and never seems to really go away

For the last couple of months I've been also struggling a lot to feel optimistic. Feeling frustrated with my work, I do scientific research and things aren't going anywhere, which is pretty tough as it's the kind of job that consumes all your time and energies. But sometimes even if you give all you've got and you work as hard as you can and compromise as much as you can, things just won't move forward, because we can't force nature to show us what we want to see, reality is deaf to our whims. So when you are putting all your time and all your life into something that doesn't work at all, it's pretty hard feeling comfortable with yourself. I feel like I'm bad at what I do, and since it's most of what I do I mostly feel disappointed about myself. Because I really believed in myself, I really believed I could move forward doing this, but in reality I can't. I fucked up, I chose to follow a road that leads nowhere. Or if there's a way to move toward my goals, then I'm blind to it, I don't have what it takes to keep on with this. Feeling so incapable of doing what I thought I could do makes me feel so confused about myself, and about what I want.

And when I'm having a hard time feeling good about myself, suddenly my loneliness becomes heavier, I realize how some of my life choices have lead me to become more isolated and lonelier. I though I was working towards becoming the person I really wanted to become, but this days not much is going well, so I don't know if it was worth it. I'm not sure I like the direction my life is taking. My adult life is devoid of the easy happiness of my younger days, and since all my efforts feel pointless lately, is hard letting go of that memories. Being so alone makes me feel old, even though I know it makes no sense since I'm still in my late twenties.

And yeah, feeling bad about my work, and my personal situation, then leads me to feel a lot of existential angst bout how society works, how the world is organized and how I dislike much of what's going on around me. Because fuck our brains, once you get locked into in a negative though loop, the tendency is to push it as far as you can (Was that a H.S Thompson paraphrase?). Everything is in doubt, I can't really feel comfortable about anything lately. I hate so much things about this world that I can't really change.


So I feel ya when you talk about suicidal ideations. Pretty much everything I do feels pointless lately. I feel suffocated by the absurd. But deep inside, I know all of my apparent "clarity" (because sadness always disguises herself as "clarity"... we give too much credit to our own experience) is just the perspective I get from this particularly dark moment. Sometimes I feel like most of my life is spent grinding my teeth and blindly pushing forwards. But I know strength is gained from each struggle. I know all the pain will eventually bloom into movement. I know all the hate will turn into courage. When we survive the storms life thunders upon us, we are forever changed after it subsides. I don't fear failing in this world. It's a fucked up place and I don't agree with it's rules. I have the hope for a better place in my heart.

So don't give up. Your frustration and your tiredness will give place to creative forces at some point. Creating a better world for ourselves it's the most energy consuming task we will have to engage in. Giving birth is always painful. We must endure the greatest of pains to give birth to something greater than ourselves. And maybe that is our most urgent task; Being above ourselves so our perspective becomes wider.

Maybe only hopelessness will allow us to be truly honest with ourselves. But don't give up. We don't really scorn life, for life hold every possibility and every possible judgement. We are actually thirsty for a greatest, fullest life, not for the silence and the eternal cosmic boredom of the grave. Suicide is not the way. Keep the faith. Someday we will create something greater than ourselves.

 

[Xorkoth]

That was an incredibly poignant and well-written post Img, thank you.

For the last couple of month I've been also struggling a lot to feel optimistic. Feeling frustrated with my work, I do scientific research and things aren't going anywhere, which is pretty tough as it's the kind of job that consumes all your time and energies. But sometimes even if you give all you've got and you work as hard as you can and compromise as much as you can, things just won't move forward, because we can't force nature to show us what we want to see, reality is deaf to our whims. So when you are putting all your time and all your life into something that doesn't work at all, it's pretty hard feeling comfortable with yourself. I feel like I'm bad at what I do, and since it's most of what I do I mostly feel disappointed about myself. Because I really believed in myself, I really believed I could move forward doing this, but in reality I can't. I fucked up, I choosed to follow a road that leads nowhere. Or if there's a way to move toward my goals, then I'm blind to it, I don't have what it takes to keep on with this. Feeling so incapable of doing what I thought I could do makes me feel so confused about myself, and about what I want.

Ouch, that's rough. It sounds to me like you're probably beating yourself up a bit, I doubt you're bad at what you do. But I guess science, in terms of recognition/career, probably rewards the most when people have an idea and then their experiments do pan out and support the theory. But, it doesn't mean you've done bad science if it doesn't. In fact then you've done good science, you've determined that what you thought is not supported by experiments, that it's not true. That's something. Doing bad science would involve trying to make it seem like your theory is supported by your experiments when you know it's not.

In any case, I don't actually know your specific situation at all obviously, just the thoughts I had on that in general. If it does turn out you don't continue down the path you're on, what things are there that you love doing that you could try to make your life's work instead? You're young yet, you can still do anything. Doing something you love makes such a huge difference in your quality of life.

And yeah, feeling bad about my work, and my personal situation, then leads me to feel a lot of existential angst bout how society works, how the world is organized and how I dislike much of what's going on around me. Because fuck our brains, once you get locked into in a negative though loop, the tendency is to push it as far as you can (Was that a H.S Thompson paraphrase?). Everything is in doubt, I can't really feel comfortable about anything lately. I hate so much things about this world that I can't really change.

Yeah, when I was feeling depressed, I found that I was looking at the world in a profoundly negative way, or maybe what I was seeing, or choosing (subconsciously anyway) to see was the negatives. Perhaps it's a way for us to put some of our frustration on something else, I don't know. I definitely remember being frightened, disgusted and bitter with the world, and these feelings dragged me down and made me a less happy and positive person for a while. Part of my process of getting better was consciously choosing to let thoughts that bring pain with no purpose (ie, nothing actually changes by dwelling on it) dissipate when I noticed them, and to make an effort to notice, acknowledge, and think about the positive things I see around me instead of the negatives. It's easier and more natural when you stop focusing on the news and media outlets (not only because they tend to just report the bad stuff, but also because at this time there is a lot of hate and negativity being expressed in our culture and people are getting really inundated by it) and whatnot and start focusing on your local area, your town, your neighborhood, your community. There are lots of good people everywhere. There are definitely some bad people too but most people are good. Some people are all twisted up and spout hate, but they, too, are actually good people, they're doing what they think is right because they were indoctrinated into a particular culture.

Focusing on things that bring you anger/pain/fear/etc that you can't change is a trap, it does no good at all. But you CAN change yourself if you work at it, and you can have a positive impact on your local community and all the people you touch in your daily interactions and your relationships. The first step for me, before all other steps, was to consciously decide to stop focusing on the negative. Then it allowed room for me to be open to the awareness of the positive.

So I feel ya when you talk about suicidal ideations. Pretty much everything I do feels pointless lately. I feel suffocated by the absurd. But deep inside, I know all of my apparent "clarity" (because sadness always disguises herself as "clarity"... we give too much credit to our own experience) is just the perspective I get from this particularly dark moment. Sometimes I feel like most of my life is spent grinding my teeth and blindly pushing forwards. But I know strength is gained from each struggle. I know all the pain will eventually bloom into movement. I know all the hate will turn into courage. When we survive the storms life thunders upon us, we are forever changed after it subsides. I don't fear failing in this world. It's a fucked up place and I don't agree with it's rules. I have the hope for a better place in my heart.

So don't give up. Your frustration and your tiredness will give place to creative forces at some point. Creating a better world for ourselves it's the most energy consuming task we will have to engage in. Giving birth is always painful. We must endure the greatest of pains to give birth to something greater than ourselves. And maybe that is our most urgent task; Being above ourselves so our perspective becomes wider.

Maybe only hopelessness will allow us to be truly honest with ourselves. But don't give up. We don't really scorn life, for life hold every possibility and every possible judgement. We are actually thirsty for a greatest, fullest life, not for the silence and the eternal cosmic boredom of the grave. Suicide is not the way. Keep the faith. Someday we will create something greater than ourselves.

Beautiful writing.

You're great man, don't let life's stumbles drag you down, just gotta get up and keep going. But truly, it is possible to change the way you think, it just takes doing and dedication.

 

[Morninggloryseed]

Heh damn. I just got told by my sig other im failing at my end of the relationship. This is the first helpful bit of communication ive had since we broke up and got back together again last month. We were together almost a year..i moved in... then i got suicidal and broke up with me. Then started seeing each other again but i was told we arent in a relationahip...lets take it slow...but now im told i dont romance them...fair enough...i dot have a car and currently living in familys basement becauase of financial reasons. I thought the things i was doing was romantic. Tomorrow will be a fun day. Ill be strong. I want to be a better partner. I clearly dont have a clue but i want to know. I love this person...not alwaya sure why. I hope we can keep communicating and make things work. I know ive settled...clearly they have too. So clueless.

 

[Xorkoth]

Hmm, never a nice thing to hear. All I can say is, just give it your best shot, it's all you can do. And either way, you'll be okay.

 

[Morninggloryseed]

Shit its nicw to hear feelings from this person. First bit of useful information ive been told since i was told to get out last april. Im dedicated to a fault. Will do whatsvwee it takes since this is about as goood as i can do.

 

[xammy]

Yeah my relationship is based on communication and she's probably the hardest person I've ever met but that's why I love her. She challenges me and opens my eyes and soul. We surrender to each other and that's when you know that you really can get through anything in this life.

I had convinced myself that I could never fall in love again after my first love broke my heart when I was just a teenager. I thought you could never feel that sensation so strongly, just like the magic of first time MDMA. Falling in love again a few months ago changed everything, just like a breakthrough psychedelic trip does.

 

[Xorkoth]

^^ Absolutely, falling in love is always a magical thing. And it's unique every time. It's a lot better for me the second time, more profound.

 

[Morninggloryseed]

This is my 4th 'true' love...well my third long term relationship. This one is different in that C is the total opposite of me in every conceivable way..my other loves were clones of me...like dating myself. I thought opposites attrtacted but might just be one way. Gosj wish i could just sleep but it will be hard to crawl into bed knowing i prolly wont do it ever again. I thought for sure that C takimg me back meant it was meant to be but clearly im clueless. Maybe ill eat some krartom and just not give a damn.

 

[MocCozmiK]

Anyone ever had any experience with using that solid red plastic film from an auto shop to fix a broken tail light cover? I got run into while I was parked and away from my car some months ago and they didn't leave a note. It broke the red cover off and dented my bumper and back panel, but the lights all still work. But I'm unable to pass my inspection because the red cover is gone and I can't update my registration which is now expired. Just the parts alone for my car are almost $200, and to install it you have to remove various interior and exterior panels, basically they want you to have to take it to a dealership. So all in all it would be costing me several hundred dollars. But they make a red film (really a millimeter or so thick plastic with an intense adhesive backing) that's supposed to be for repairing holes/cracks in the existing cover, but I've gotten 4 sheets of it, enough to cover the whole area, and actually make myself a new red cover out of it. It's the same color red, etc. I was told at the auto store that they will "probably" pass me my inspection if I cover the area completely. Just wondering if anyone has tried something like this. Ultimately I won't get pulled over for missing tail light cover with it on, but even more than that I need to update my registration. I can probably find a place that will do it. Just wondering if anyone has any insight.

Did anyone ever answer your question on this? You should just go ahead and try to get inspected with the red tape. And if it passes - great, if it fails you get 60 days to fix it. That way you won't have to worry about being pulled over for an expired sticker while you save up to get replacement parts. (Heck it's xmas season, people understand that everyone is low on funds) Also the second inspection is free as long as you go to the same place.

Another option is to go to a "shady" place to get it inspected. If you know where one is. But just remember to get that fixed as soon as you can. Because the red tape doesn't last long.

 

[MocCozmiK]

I agree, I prefer the beer drunk, I think mostly because you're ingesting it more gradually than any other way. As for me, I usually drink PBR, because I like to spend $6.67 on a 12 pack and I think PBR is acceptable and certainly better than Bud/Miller/etc. But cheap and pretty light. I love a good craft beer and I live in one of the beer cities of the US so when I go out I get all kinds of IPAs and whatever else, I happen to like IPAs a lot.

It's obvious you grew up around the Chicago/Midwest area if you like PBR beer!
Lol!

 

[Xorkoth]

It's funny, I did grow up there but I never once drank a PBR until I moved to the mountains of NC, where I found all sorts of people were drinking it.

Did anyone ever answer your question on this? You should just go ahead and try to get inspected with the red tape. And if it passes - great, if it fails you get 60 days to fix it. That way you won't have to worry about being pulled over for an expired sticker while you save up to get replacement parts. (Heck it's xmas season, people understand that everyone is low on funds) Also the second inspection is free as long as you go to the same place.

Another option is to go to a "shady" place to get it inspected. If you know where one is. But just remember to get that fixed as soon as you can. Because the red tape doesn't last long.

I ended up buying 4 sheets of the plastic film (not the tape but the solid plastic, maybe 2mm thick or something, flexible but pretty rigid), and cutting them such that it fits precisely over the area. It actually looks amazing, you can only tell it's not the original if you look closely. It passed inspection, I don't think they even noticed. I'm all legal again!

yeah I actually tried to pass a few months ago and got the inspection for $10 off, and they said I couldn't get a tickewt, but I only had 30 days until that wasn't true, and 30 days before I had to pay full price for another inspection. I passed that date by months, so I had to pay again, but whatever.

Funny thing is, I have to get it renewed again in about 3 months. But I will do it on time then, the only reason I didn't last time was because I couldn't pass inspection and I thought I was going to have to replace the whole tail light unit which would have cost me $200 plus labor (and to change it on my car you have to remove the bumped and interior paneling, probably would have been charged a few hours of labor. And there was also a chance they couldn't replace it because the surrounding area was too dented/bent from the collision)

In other news, my girlfriend is coming home tomorrow!! I'm gonna pick her up at the airport around 10:45pm. So excited!

 

[psy997]

I'm glad to hear she's almost home, Xorkoth

I've got my first final here in 50 minutes, then another Wednesday, and my last one Thursday. Wish me luck guys, I really need it. I got more behind than I wanted this semester.

At least I've figured out I'm not ready to go back to school yet

 

[Xorkoth]

Good luck!

 

[swilow]

Good morning PD you sleeping muthafuckers. I am awake.

What's happened to trozzle? I miss the other Aussie scumbag here.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

^He's around, I see him reply to some staff stuff occasionally. I think he's real busy these days.

My sleep schedule is so off since I'm unemployed essentially... went to bed 'round 4:15am and woke up around 1:30pm. Fudge nuggets.

 

[Xorkoth]

Damn. I woke up at 1:30pm yesterday morning, but partied all night and went to bed at somewhere past 6am.

Good morning swirly willow... afternoon for me. I was up 6 and a half hours ago, sleepyhead.

 

[swilow]

I see. Time runs differently there.

I like saying ghb as a word. Gub with the U sound like pudding.

 

[Img_9999]

That was an incredibly poignant and well-written post Img, thank you.






Ouch, that's rough. It sounds to me like you're probably beating yourself up a bit, I doubt you're bad at what you do. But I guess science, in terms of recognition/career, probably rewards the most when people have an idea and then their experiments do pan out and support the theory. But, it doesn't mean you've done bad science if it doesn't. In fact then you've done good science, you've determined that what you thought is not supported by experiments, that it's not true. That's something. Doing bad science would involve trying to make it seem like your theory is supported by your experiments when you know it's not.


In any case, I don't actually know your specific situation at all obviously, just the thoughts I had on that in general. If it does turn out you don't continue down the path you're on, what things are there that you love doing that you could try to make your life's work instead? You're young yet, you can still do anything. Doing something you love makes such a huge difference in your quality of life.






Yeah, when I was feeling depressed, I found that I was looking at the world in a profoundly negative way, or maybe what I was seeing, or choosing (subconsciously anyway) to see was the negatives. Perhaps it's a way for us to put some of our frustration on something else, I don't know. I definitely remember being frightened, disgusted and bitter with the world, and these feelings dragged me down and made me a less happy and positive person for a while. Part of my process of getting better was consciously choosing to let thoughts that bring pain with no purpose (ie, nothing actually changes by dwelling on it) dissipate when I noticed them, and to make an effort to notice, acknowledge, and think about the positive things I see around me instead of the negatives. It's easier and more natural when you stop focusing on the news and media outlets (not only because they tend to just report the bad stuff, but also because at this time there is a lot of hate and negativity being expressed in our culture and people are getting really inundated by it) and whatnot and start focusing on your local area, your town, your neighborhood, your community. There are lots of good people everywhere. There are definitely some bad people too but most people are good. Some people are all twisted up and spout hate, but they, too, are actually good people, they're doing what they think is right because they were indoctrinated into a particular culture.


Focusing on things that bring you anger/pain/fear/etc that you can't change is a trap, it does no good at all. But you CAN change yourself if you work at it, and you can have a positive impact on your local community and all the people you touch in your daily interactions and your relationships. The first step for me, before all other steps, was to consciously decide to stop focusing on the negative. Then it allowed room for me to be open to the awareness of the positive.






Beautiful writing.


You're great man, don't let life's stumbles drag you down, just gotta get up and keep going. But truly, it is possible to change the way you think, it just takes doing and dedication.

Thank you Xorkoth for your kind words. I really appreciate having others put my anxiety into perspective. I think I know that in a way I'm just beating myself up. But it's hard letting go of this feeling of disappointment towards myself. This is the first time I've had complete control over a project, and I'm doing all the work basically by myself, which is an opportunity I've been waiting for since I entered college eight years ago, but know that I have it the project I've been doing very little progress; In fact there is a protocol that I haven't been able to get going for a year an a half by now. So it's pretty hard not feeling frustrated when I've been trying to do something every week for a year and a half now, without any substantial progress. Sometimes I'm mistaken into thinking it is working, but then I run into other problems downstream. I'm also scared because I live in south america, and well, down here the economic situation for science isn't the best around the world, and in consequence the laboral situation is not the best. I don't even have a contract, I work by projects, and I need to apply to state grants in order to have a budget for research, and if I don't publish any results by next year, my grant is most probably not going to be renewed, which puts me at risk of loosing my job


I know I'm probably not doing "bad science". But I mostly feel disappointed about the fact that I know this is probably not the only frustration, or dead end I will find in my carreer if I choose to stay in academia. And I'm not sure I have what it takes to survive this kind of pressure. I'm a little bit confused about what I want. I always thought I wanted this, I've been dreaming of having this kind of opportunity for basically my whole life. But it is a rough path, specially when the labour situation isn't the best. And I feel kind of stupid, because I knew all of this when I got into a scientific career. But eight years ago I was a lot bolder and arrogant, and even if I knew that in this country there's not much space in academia, I was still determined to be the absolute best and I was confident I would be doing great. Now I know all of that was just my enormous childish ego deluding me into thinking I have some kind of special intelligence, or that my intelligence would magically pave a road to success for me. It didn't help that through college I was sort of a top-student, but it's obvious that being a student is pretty different from being a professional. I guess my ego is hurt, all of my former arrogance has transfigured into insecure feelings about who I am.



So about the question of whether I would like to pursue something else ... I don't know, there's many things I would like to do, but I'm not sure about this, I mean this is my first big frustration as a scientist, and I don't know if I should let this determine all of what I am to become. I guess I just "shouldn't let go of my dreams" upon the very first difficulty I encounter in my road, but at the same time, right now, 1.5 years into frustration, it is hard for me to recognize the things that I thought valuable of what I'm doing, so I'm not even sure what dreams I would be giving up on if I abandoned my current career. I'm not sure it is worth of all the possible frustration. But maybe if I changed my research line I would get more satisfaction out of this? Too many doubts, too many moral tensions.




Sorry again for the bummer content, but I must say that just writing this out has helped me put things in perspective and organize my ideas. I don't have many people to talk to about this right now, because being a scientist also destroys your social life :D :D

In other news, my girlfriend is coming home tomorrow!! I'm gonna pick her up at the airport around 10:45pm. So excited!

Hey, that so exciting !! Re-encounters are the best





P.S: When I spent a couple of months in the US earlier this year I used to drink PBR most of the time, he. It was good enough for me for it's price, and also it was the perfect refreshing drink for the summer time.

 

[Xorkoth]

I'm glad my words could help. I was feeling a particular wordiness last night, was riding the wave of my amazing LSD/3-MeO trip, and had taken more 3-MeO. I like the words that drug facilitates. I also find that just typing stuff out on here helps me to focus my thoughts and progress, so I'm glad you could get that from this place too.

Yeah I'm very excited, tomorrow night I get to reunite with the person I love, and we get to get physical (♪♪...sexual healing, sexual healing...♪♪).

Yeah PBR is good, to me it is the best of the cheap beers, because it doesn't have any weirdness or badness to the taste. I mean good beer tastes a whole lot better, but for the price I like PBR.