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TDS Drug Binge

Ignio

Ignio

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 5, 2015
Messages
578
Location
Europe
For the last several weeks I have been working really hard and I think I have produced one hell of a paper.

The problem now is, I have a lust for going on a drug binge.

I have gotten access to several things I have never tried before.

Meth-amphetamine primarily.

Every thing have been under control up to now and just having finished this I can't help but think that I might feel like I deserve going crazy just once to celebrate this (we all know what just once really is).

Why is this happening to me?
Have I been down for so long that I am now used to success amd feel like this allows me to do it?

IS it something else entirely?

I think i Spend 2-3 hours a day reading about different drugs and coming up with combos I want to try and finding test kits so I can't test the purity of the stuff.

Of cause my drug of choice opiats is a large part of i, but it is also meth, cocaine, ketamine..

It is like I woke one day and was like this. The day before was normal.
 
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I think you're in an extremely dangerous situation right now. You said you've been down for a long time, and it also sounds like you've been really focused and working hard, and between the lines I read an underlying issue that is festering that you are desperate to escape. I think you're at a breaking point, and rather than jumping over the edge and escaping I feel you need to face that issue head on and address it now before you discover the euphoria of instant gratification and instant escape that drugs provide for a short while.

Once you begin relying on drugs to feel good it is so difficult to control use or quit altogether, and it's even harder to find joy in life sober. It's also exponentially more difficult to rationally deal with problems while using, and the number of problems and their level of intensity also dramatically increase while using.

Address what is motivating you to want to use, instead of the "quick and easy" escape, actually deal with it. You will be so much stronger and happier in the end than turning to drugs, which will prolong the pain and metastize the issue. Drugs only prolong the inevitable - at some point you have to face the issue. You can either do it now while you're still on track and rational, or you can do it later when everything has fallen apart and you have battle addiction along with dealing with the issue. Choose wisely - I wish you the best!
 
Thanks for your wise worse. I think you are spot on. I have been fighting the need always to walk down and score some stuff.

But I think you are right that I want instant gratification after having done something great. This really is an amazing achievement that will provide me with a title that only few attain in my profession, so I should be over the moon. But Im not because celebration is usually connected drugs.

Not being able to enjoy the victories life give you while still suffering from the battles you loose. That is hard.
 
I am just ending a night of cocaine. Where I live it is 06 in the morning and we have just stopped taking cocaine. A few Seroquels and benzo's should result in some hours of sleep that should incur relatively soon. Right now I do not regret it. I love that I celebrated my achievement. That I did it in my "old ways" is probably not gonna fly well tomorrow
 
I took cocaine on the 10th of June. Before that I probably had not taken it for a year. Yesterday and today I took it again, it is like this one time has started a constant craving. I have a hard time stopping again.

Anyone got any suggestions? Of cause it is only a matter of self control, but this is the problem. I had it in relation to cocaine and after just once it is gone. That is probably normal behavior in relapses. Any advices as how to stop the relapses?

I am sad that a time that should have been a celebration for me is now a time of problems and depressive feelings. Something really good and amazing happens to me, and I go out and does something that I know will cause me pain long-term. Is this behavior typical for addicts? Something one should be careful in connection to.

Right now my objective is not to do it tomorrow. Thus, I start by seeking help here.

I have been stable on 60 mg methadone and 0,5 mg clonazepam for a couple of months, but I am considering whether increasing my methadone to 80 mg and my clonazepam to 1 mg would make my cravings go away and give me some months in therapy to work whatever it is that depresses me and increase my wish to take cocaine or heroin or something. So when I stabilize again in a couple of month I should have the tools to handle it? Is this a stupid idea?
 
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Out of the blue yesterday my parents showed up at my home while I was high on cocaine. I am pretty sure they expected something was off. Telling them the truth will hurt them very, very much. I prefer not to hurt them, but I also prefer the truth. If I lie and say I have not relapsed i don't know if they believe me. Me ex-girlfriend, whom I still love very, very much, have been together with another guy. I am considering telling them that and make that the cause of my strange behavior.

What would you do?
 
Yes, it sounds like you are in a relapse. To stop a relapse you have to stop using the drug and really focus on resolving the underlying issues motivating you to use. If you continuously relapse you may want to consider treatment, depending on how severe you are. You can look into outpatient, intensive oupatient, and inpatient. I've tried all of them and found each to have their pros and cons. There are also meetings you can go to like NA, AA, or CA (if that's available in your area).

I would recommend discussing a dose increase with your doctor before increasing methadone or clonazapam on your own. I think you should also see a therapist to try to get the the root cause driving you to use. I found myself stuck in the addiction cycle for close to ten years because I wasn't addressing the underlying issues of my addiction. I could quit substances but I couldn't stay clean. Once I addressed the underlying issues I have been sober for over two years now. Getting a handle on the issues was a game changer in my resolving my addiction. For the time being it is under control, but I know this is something I will battle for the rest of my life as I'm sure many other people in recovery do.

I think you should be honest with your family. I found when I became completely honest with my family a lot of the stress and tension went away, and that may be the case for you. Yes, they will be worried and disappointed that you're using again but at least they will know instead of having to guess or not being able to trust you. I learned that being accountable for your addiction really helps in getting it under control and managed. Telling loved ones you've relapsed is difficult but it's not nearly as difficult or painful as trying to earn their trust, especially if this is a reoccurring issue. I also think being honest about you addiction allows loved one to actively participate in your life as we addicts tend to alienate our loved ones when I'm active addiction. Addiction is a symptom of a larger health issue, it's not a personal or moral failing. You would tell your family if you had cancer, and they would support you. Addiction is no different. You sound very open and rational regarding your addiction - I have faith that you'll be able to get the right treatment and get healthy. Feel free to message me with questions or concerns - good luck!
 
Thank you very much for your answer. It was useful to me.

I dread facing my parents in the morning. I will have to see what comes out of it. It's just like they don't understand how hard it is not to relapse. It feels more like they punish me than help me when I tell them. Therefore, I am always telling half truths to tell them want they want to hear.

I will speak to my doctor about upping the dosage and than going to therapy so that I can handle when I stabilize again. Maybe they will not increase it, then I will take it from there. I definitely have a problem with "reality" experienced without drugs. So I have some hard soul searching and knowledge to find in order to identify the underlying causes.
 
Your experience is exactly what I went through a few years ago. I was living for those nights when I could do cocaine at the weekends, giving myself a pat on the back for a good week in work, then those nights turned into days, then the days turned into weekends, the weekends into the week, and I slowly associated pleasure and happiness with cocaine. The lowest point of my life was telling my mum after i'd had a particularly bad weekend, but I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't sucked up my pride and done it. I've relapsed a few times over the last couple of years, but have been clean for 6 months now. It's a slow process, but stay strong brother.
 
Ignio said:
Thank you very much for your answer. It was useful to me.

I dread facing my parents in the morning. I will have to see what comes out of it. It's just like they don't understand how hard it is not to relapse. It feels more like they punish me than help me when I tell them. Therefore, I am always telling half truths to tell them want they want to hear.

I will speak to my doctor about upping the dosage and than going to therapy so that I can handle when I stabilize again. Maybe they will not increase it, then I will take it from there. I definitely have a problem with "reality" experienced without drugs. So I have some hard soul searching and knowledge to find in order to identify the underlying causes.
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When I first started on my journey to sobriety my parents didn't understand addiction - the first couple of years they thought I just lacked self control which wasn't the case. I started including them with my treatment and had them read different resources regarding addiction so they could hve a better understanding. They also started going to ALNON. Eventually they came around and realized it wasn't a self control issue as they became more educated about addiction. It was really hard at first, but as we all moved forward in my recovery they began to understand addiction and were able to better support me which was critical in my recovery. Choosing to be honest with them really facilitated the process. I suspect if you include your parents in your recovery plans and expose them to addiction resources they will gain a better understanding which will help you in your sobriety. It will also strengthen your relationship.

BigBlueMeanie said:
Your experience is exactly what I went through a few years ago. I was living for those nights when I could do cocaine at the weekends, giving myself a pat on the back for a good week in work, then those nights turned into days, then the days turned into weekends, the weekends into the week, and I slowly associated pleasure and happiness with cocaine. The lowest point of my life was telling my mum after i'd had a particularly bad weekend, but I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't sucked up my pride and done it. I've relapsed a few times over the last couple of years, but have been clean for 6 months now. It's a slow process, but stay strong brother.
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Kudos on your six months! That's awesome - keep up the great work!
 
Today I woke up with my normal "strength" and I know I am not gonna take anything today I am not supposed to. I think maybe just having a plan is helpful and receiving your advices, Moreaux. I hope I can get my parents to understand. I might have to see if I can find some events here in Denmark, something like "being a relative to an addict" and see if they can have their perspective. I have a hard time doing it myself and it is annoying not to be able to show that I hurt because they think that hurting equals me doing drugs.

BigBlueMeanie, great going staying away from cocaine for 6 months. I gets easier to stay away from it as each day passes. I just made the mistake an thought that I could take it one time as a celebration and then stop due to my new gained strength. But that was an illusion. Almost just the sight of it will shatter my control and certainly taking it. I hope you succeed in staying away from it. Someday, we will not even be thinking about it as other things matters too much to want to spend mental capacity and time thinking on some white powder that makes you feel nice in 20 minutes and then fuck you up.
 
I think that's a great idea Ignio! I found I made huge forward progress in combatting my addiction when I was working/socializing with other addicts in various stages of recovery. It was a lot more beneficial than trying to do it by myself, and it was helpful to have other people who could relate to addiction.
 
There's nothing wrong with the desire for intoxication per se, until that desire supercede as everything else in life and you are no longer able to function as a human and it is destroying your soul. When the desire to use gets to that level, it belongs to "The Dark Side" lol.
 
***some bullshit was here***

Edit : Sorry, just read, that he is on methadone maintenance. So I take back my bullshit. ;)
 
I used a lot of stupid money going through this period, so this combined with the results of the way I have been fucking up my brain chemistry and the disappointment in myself have left me in a depression-like state. Of cause it is only temporary, well maybe a couple of months. I can't get it out of my sight before my accounts align again. And if I see it, I don't forget it. But maybe it is healthy to feel like shit for some time so I know next time that this is the price for giving in just one time.

I have contacted my doctor and asked to get therapy. I need it. Otherwise I will never be able to drop the methadone and clonazepam that is keeping me stabil by providing me with artificial joy. If you can call it that. At least I am not in psychological pain when I am stable. I haven't decided if I should ask for an increase in either methadone or clonazepam while getting things under control again. There is no doubt it could be helpful, but the question is if it is so helpful to justify an increase. I have to be aware that inside me the dark part will always be going for more rationalizing it in all possible ways.

I think I have felt good for close to a year this time, before I fucked up and is feeling depressed again at the moment. That is a very long time compared to the last 10-15 years of my life.
 
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