How to love being sober?? Like really love it?

[AnythingEverything]

It's late (3am) and I'm sitting here reflecting. One day I will have to face being clean and sober again. At the moment I'm on huge amounts of suboxone (32mg) and a tiny amount of Benzos (20mg diazepam)..for a long time I've felt sober as the meds have no effect as in there is no high of courseds. And I'm liking it too much and can feel the pull and need to stop as it quickly became a daily thing again.

I did have 14 or 15 years completely clean and sober but had other addictions (eating disorders, shopping, smoking, coffee, even having babies - we have 5 who I love with all my heart, I was only sober for them.).

One day I will be off everything again, that is the ultimate goal but I think about getting high all the time. Even with all those years clean, I've never felt that joy or gratitude of being sober. Don't get me wrong, my life is awesome and my kids are amazing, I've just struggled with myself my whole life along with mental illness - I've never been 'happy' even though I have everything to live for.

Spending so many years in Na and hearing people talk about the joy they feel in recovery, I wonder if ill ever get there and I'm tired of fighting it. And yes, I've done therapy for 20 years give or take.

How do you get to that point where being sober feels better than being high? I'm always romantising heroin mainly even though I know where it takes me and what it would mean for my family. Can you ever truly get to the point of not wanting to live in reality and feel joy in recovery or do people just talk the talk? Not that I doubt others, I've just never felt it and want to. I don't want to look for means of escape my whole life.

 

[slimvictor]

As an addict myself, I probably shouldn't give you advice, but your post got me thinking...

To love being sober, you have to love your life.
(Maybe you need more than this, but this seems like a minimum requirement to me.)

To love your life, you have to create a life that is worth loving.

To create such a life, you have to follow your interests/passions (and also receive a good deal of luck), and also work hard in other areas to balance out things so that you don't neglect any aspects of yourself.

(In my case, I believe that I need to exercise, play (for fun), express myself, read, create and listen to music, relax, eat good/ healthy / delicious food, etc, not to mention constantly developing and deepening personal connections, and of course I need to enjoy my job and do it wholeheartedly.)

I think I have basically achieved such a life. I have followed my passions for so long that it is second nature to me.
I love my job (which I got as the result of following my passions), maybe not every single minute of every day, but overall.
I have a few close friends and a wonderful family (wife and kids).
I exercise, read, play music, etc.

But I still use drugs...
For most of my adult life, I have used them to enhance the pleasure of life.
But more recently, I have been using them to hide, and became addicted to stimulants...

Because I do love my life without drugs, I believe (hope) it should be relatively easy for me to kick this addiction.
If you don't love your life without drugs, I suggest you create a life you love as a first step.

As for the next step, I am still trying to figure it out myself...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I think it's not about loving it. It's about being ok with it.

You need things in life to love that aren't drug related. You need others to love.

Find activities, sports, hobbies, school/work. Read a great book. Play some video games.

 

[AnythingEverything]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the replies and glad my post provoked some thought. I'll always Be an addict in one way or another the way I see it. I would just love to think that one day I can enjoy just being me, I know it's a 12 step cliche but I'd love to one day do life of life's terms.

The thing is, my life is great. I have 5 amazing and talented, well behaved kids that are my life who ate always up to something exciting, my 11 year old has been chosen to go to Spain to play soccer in 7 weeks time (we are in Australia) my 9 year old is performing all the time for singing and dance, my eldest has a great job, the little ones are amazing and I make sure they all follow their passions in life, that's huge for me also never could. I am married, have always had dream jobs, have the house and cars and just enough money to get by (these are material things but we don't struggle). I exercise (I'm a pt) eat well, am healthy apart from the meds and grr smoking, I have hobbies and am heavily involved in the community, I volunteer for street vans and support a few people on a personal level. My life looks good, great even, It's just me and the way I feel that is the problem. I do want to go back to dance and singing which I will do soon so maybe that will help.

I don't hang out with any drug users apart from one old friend who doesn't talk about it, my friends are all super straight so I'm not even in those circles like I was when I was young, I used alone when I relapsed.

I do want to go back to na as I got a lot out of it (I know meetings aren't for everyone but they worked for me but I never had that joy people speak of). But I can't while I'm on suboxone and the Valium as its not accepted there. I can go and not share but to me That's frustrating and pointless.

Just venting and thinking out loud and thanks for allowing me to do so, thanks for reading

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Personally I like to do things in sober life that mimic the pleasure I got while on drugs, honestly. Have sex, eat rich delicious food, go surfing (my favorite sport), ride a rollercoaster, etc. Pretty much anything that accomplished what drug use accomplishes, which is to forget about life and focus on the singular moment that you exist in. Then there are other activities that are less "visceral" and don't quite hit my pleasure centers with such force but are still enjoyable, like going for a walk or reading, etc. I tend to get bored with things easily, though...it's kind of a curse for me, actually

I live a different life than you do, though. I'm in my mid-20s and I don't have a big family...I don't have any kids and I'm an only child.

 

[manboychef]

It is more about acceptance than love. The moment that you can accept that this is how things are, and if you want more you have to change into a person that can accept more.

No experience will ever compare to the first time you took opiates. There was a reason we all continued taking them for a long time instead of living life. It was because it was such a profound experience. You will have to accept that it just isn't for you anymore. This will help with the obsessive aspect of addiction. I still obsess sometimes, but it gets easier.

Don't let people in NA bullshit you. They have just as much existential torment as you going on. It is how you deal with the existential torment that causes you to be a good person, and helps you maintain sobriety.

 

[Moreaux]

I had to get my mental health situated, and my OCD and axiety under control. I was miserable using, and it was literally killing me. I wanted sobriety. I was miserable the first two years off benzos, but pushed through. The axiety from PAWS was the worst anxiety I ever experienced, and I had no choice but to learn how to manage it more effectively than I had been. It was a slow process. Getting off booze wasn't nearly as tough as I went to rehab (for a second time) and focused on coping mechanisms. I got the Vivitrol shot the last day there, and stayed on it for 8 months. It seemed to bring my anxiety down a few notches and I swear it kind of reset my brain to its pre-alcoholic state so I don't deal with cravings.
Though I felt much better, I didn't have much joy either. I think experience joy differently than regular people. What helped me was to realize that we are responsible for our own joy. Now I actively pursue things that bring me joy. I also focus on the positive. I am content with life for once, and I don't have cravings. For the first time in 38 years, I have peace. I think you'll find it gets better the longer you're sober. Some of that is just your brain healing and the neurotransmitters restoring their balance. I worked with my doctor to get off all medications so I could get back to baseline to see where I was at. I think a lot of my issues were drug induced as I use CBT for OCD and anxiety.

I wish you the best - I does get better. Be patient - it takes time and unfortunately you can't rush it.

 

[herbavore]

As an addict myself, I probably shouldn't give you advice, but your post got me thinking...

To love being sober, you have to love your life.
(Maybe you need more than this, but this seems like a minimum requirement to me.)

To love your life, you have to create a life that is worth loving.

To create such a life, you have to follow your interests/passions (and also receive a good deal of luck), and also work hard in other areas to balance out things so that you don't neglect any aspects of yourself.

(In my case, I believe that I need to exercise, play (for fun), express myself, read, create and listen to music, relax, eat good/ healthy / delicious food, etc, not to mention constantly developing and deepening personal connections, and of course I need to enjoy my job and do it wholeheartedly.)

I think I have basically achieved such a life. I have followed my passions for so long that it is second nature to me.
I love my job (which I got as the result of following my passions), maybe not every single minute of every day, but overall.
I have a few close friends and a wonderful family (wife and kids).
I exercise, read, play music, etc.

But I still use drugs...
For most of my adult life, I have used them to enhance the pleasure of life.
But more recently, I have been using them to hide, and became addicted to stimulants...

Because I do love my life without drugs, I believe (hope) it should be relatively easy for me to kick this addiction.
If you don't love your life without drugs, I suggest you create a life you love as a first step.

As for the next step, I am still trying to figure it out myself...

[MENTION=120088]slimvictor[/MENTION], this is one of the best posts I have seen. Getting sober only to face the life which was perhaps driving your addiction in the first place is generally a losing proposition. All of us, addicts or not, struggle to first define what we really want and then spend our lives trying to create it. If you see that struggle as tedious pain (and have that all-too-american idea that somehow the life you want should simply be given to you) it will be difficult to sustain yourself. But if you see that struggle as creative and full of benefits and often fun in the challenges, it can be exactly what gives meaning to an otherwise meaningless existence. Creating a life that is nurturing and healthy for your unique self is like creating anything--it involves exploration, play, serious dedication, inquiry, experimentation and IMO the best ingredient of all: a love of the process.

 

[simco]

It's weird, like several others on this thread, I have a negative opinion of most aspects of NA (the only 12-step program I've had experience with). But recently I've found myself thinking about going back. Despite all the bullshit involved, I do miss that feeling of settling into a chair with a styrofoam cup of bad coffee and knowing exactly what the next 60 minutes will be like...the liturgy of the addicted and vaguely religious . Maybe I could go back and not get caught up in the drama? Sorry... mostly talking to myself at this point.

 

[Kittycat5]

Little history on me. Today is the first day I have not taken or wanted to take my DOC, oxycodone or any other opioid. I have the added burdens of having to think about drugs all day professionally (Im a pharmacist so not always the fun stuff) and my little blue friends are only 4 paces behind me for 8 hours a day.

To answer your question, and Ive been thinking a lot about it, no. Being sober will never be better than being high, for me and I expect many others. You said you romantacize drugs (heroin) but think about that for a second. We not only romantacize drug x, we dive in, love it, have a long term relationship with it. We indulge ourselves in all the selfish pleasures we want until the time comes that we realize the drug never loved us back. Its a one way relationship.

Now remove drug and replace with a human. You may always remember the sensual gratification, but would you keep them around? I wouldnt.

So here we sit, having to decide if empty love is something we still need in our lives. I finally decided no. But I was having a bit of a rough time last night and was able to make myself smile thinking all the dumb shit Ive done on drugs. I regret nothing, will always remember, but realize I must let go.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It's weird, like several others on this thread, I have a negative opinion of most aspects of NA (the only 12-step program I've had experience with). But recently I've found myself thinking about going back. Despite all the bullshit involved, I do miss that feeling of settling into a chair with a styrofoam cup of bad coffee and knowing exactly what the next 60 minutes will be like...the liturgy of the addicted and vaguely religious . Maybe I could go back and not get caught up in the drama? Sorry... mostly talking to myself at this point.

I think for a lot of us not knowing what will happen next is a huge anxiety trigger. Sometimes it's nice to do something different, go for a walk or visit somewhere you've never been before, etc. It was hard for me at first.

 

[simco]

I think for a lot of us not knowing what will happen next is a huge anxiety trigger. Sometimes it's nice to do something different, go for a walk or visit somewhere you've never been before, etc. It was hard for me at first.

very true. one of the things that's bummed me out most about coming out of heavy using and back into heavy depression is that i've gotten all weird and agoraphobic. i used to love to travel...now i can't be away from home for more than an hour or so without anxiety ramping up. but you're right, CH...i do need to work back up to being able to experience new stuff.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It helps when you have a friend with you.

I no longer have agoraphobia - and am so thankful for that.

I think abstaining from bupe/opiates was 100% necessary for me to get better.

 

[simco]

...
I think abstaining from bupe/opiates was 100% necessary for me to get better.

Interesting that you say that, CH. Any insight as to why that was so important?

I ask partly because I'm starting to feel like I need to get off subs. Logically, this doesn't make much sense: I've never been able to control my using like I have since I started suboxone treatment. So being on it seems like a no-brainer. But there's something that feels off, not quite right while I'm on them. I really can't put my finger on it.

Maybe I went to enough NA meetings that deep down I don't really think I'm "clean", though nominally I don't believe that. Maybe it's my inner junkie trying to dig his way back out.

The unpleasant part is that I don't feel particularly strong now. I'm afraid that getting off subs would make it likely that I'd relapse sooner and more often, maybe falling all the way back down the rabbit hole. Nevertheless, your words hit a nerve. Not sure what's going on.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Interesting that you say that, CH. Any insight as to why that was so important?

I ask partly because I'm starting to feel like I need to get off subs. Logically, this doesn't make much sense: I've never been able to control my using like I have since I started suboxone treatment. So being on it seems like a no-brainer. But there's something that feels off, not quite right while I'm on them. I really can't put my finger on it.

Maybe I went to enough NA meetings that deep down I don't really think I'm "clean", though nominally I don't believe that. Maybe it's my inner junkie trying to dig his way back out.

The unpleasant part is that I don't feel particularly strong now. I'm afraid that getting off subs would make it likely that I'd relapse sooner and more often, maybe falling all the way back down the rabbit hole. Nevertheless, your words hit a nerve. Not sure what's going on.

I'm not entirely sure why. Nicotine is most associated with drug-induced agoraphobia, and likely has a cascade of other shit as a result.

I guess it's because I didn't feel confident shooting up in public (even though I have certainly done so many times) I'm not really sure. I just know that after the acute withdrawal, I started to get out more and felt a lot more brave about doing that.

There's also a trend for people in their early 20's to be agoraphobic, perhaps I just grew up?

 

[simco]

i'm 44. still waiting to feel like an adult

 

[cj]

Interesting that you say that, CH. Any insight as to why that was so important?

I ask partly because I'm starting to feel like I need to get off subs. Logically, this doesn't make much sense: I've never been able to control my using like I have since I started suboxone treatment. So being on it seems like a no-brainer. But there's something that feels off, not quite right while I'm on them. I really can't put my finger on it.

Maybe I went to enough NA meetings that deep down I don't really think I'm "clean", though nominally I don't believe that. Maybe it's my inner junkie trying to dig his way back out.

The unpleasant part is that I don't feel particularly strong now. I'm afraid that getting off subs would make it likely that I'd relapse sooner and more often, maybe falling all the way back down the rabbit hole. Nevertheless, your words hit a nerve. Not sure what's going on.

I strongly advise you to stay on subs. Especially if you are still chipping while on them. Statistically and anecdotally most people who come off subs really struggle with PAWS and relapse. what symptoms are you having from the subs?

I can really relate to what your saying OP. I look back at the times I have been completely sober with anxiety. I remember them being nearly traumatic experiences. Some people will say that's just addiction talking but at the end of the day I choose quality of life over some mental need to say I am sober. My life drastically improved once I stopped trying to conform to what society thought I needed in my life.

 

[simco]

@cj, you're totally right. the subs saved my life and i don't know why i'm so eager to jump off them. i think it's a desire to feel that i'm strong enough to consider active addiction more or less over. but that's premature.

just for the record, i'm not chipping. trying to be completely free of heroin. i've had one slip (did one bump of H at a real low point). but other than that, this saturday will mark 8 weeks clean for me. by far a record.

it's ironic that you mention PAWS...the whole reason i got on the subs in the first place was due to chronic relapsing over a yearlong attempt to quit, always failing due to textbook PAWS-like symptoms. depression, anhedonia, cravings, etc.

i'll hang up this crap about quitting my subs now. (later, i'll revisit.) i need the statistics to be on my side for a change. thanks for the reality check.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Also, just a quick thing I remembered: for me I enjoy a (mostly; I will usually still smoke some weed in the evenings but besides that...) sober life when I actually enjoy the environment I exist in. For the past 3 years I've lived in a place with an air pollution rating worse than Beijing & where there's almost 24 hour darkness during the winter (Fairbanks, AK). It is hard to actually breathe the air here and the sun doesn't shine. It is as hellish as it probably sounds to most normal human beings...many of the people here behave in very bizarre, screwed up ways, too...human beings weren't meant to live in such an environment, in my opinion. It is abnormal. I don't think it's a coincidence that I developed my only addiction to narcotics here.

People have asked me why I've stayed so long here, and I compare it to a hostage situation in which the victim begins to sympathize with their captor.

Some people will do drugs regardless of life circumstance or environment, though. I'm not sure I understand why that is.

 

[cj]

My bad man I misread one of your previous posts.