How do you trust your thoughts?

[feedtheSoul]

My thoughts are quite often invalidated by my peers. I feel when someone asks "why did you do this" I instantly feel I've failed. I have fibromyalgia and ADD and I find I run into so much trouble with cognitive issues. I can't really listen to two people speak over each other - it just sounds like noise and I don't register any words. I also find myself seeking validation and frustration with really connecting to people - the "real" me is a lot to deal with. I am one of those emotional vampires that kinda drains energy from people around me because of how I look at things, or my instant failure beliefs...

Or, when I have a conversation, it seems I forget some details that are important enough to put the whole story together. So, when someone asks me to explain better, I become aware of this and by the time this happens, my brain feels tired and I simply forget what I was talking about just like that. I think I keep dissociating but I'm not sure. I feel like I am out of my body watching this all happen, but when I spoke to my psych he said he wasn't sure. However, this has happened too frequently lately. It is affecting all areas of my life and relationships and bringing me down.

I got sexually assaulted last month and I don't like to bring it up because most other issues I've had brought about a "everyone feels like that sometimes, get over it" kind of response. I ended up walking out on my job one day, never looked back, because it caused me so much stress and my body refused to keep up with it. I'm aware of mind over matter, but there are times where I cannot find enough time to process everything that I'm feeling, as well as figure out my goals for the day, or physical activity. It's rare that someone really sees how deep my pain and sadness goes, and I don't blame them for wondering why I'm so stuck, but when they catch me in moments where I'm so weak and then they really do see that I'm not making it up, but they expect my "recovery" to move along faster than it is. I truly don't think I can process all of it at once, but when I do, I start ruminating and the paranoia sets in.

Sometimes I hear voices I think that sound like theyre talking bad things about me, and it scares me. I feel like any time I'm out of the house, that I''m being watched by anyone else around. My parents hover due to my depressed state to make sure that I am OK, but even this makes me very unsettled, as if I have no freedom. I want to be free but I also feel I have to constantly justify everything. I just.... gah. does anyone have any thoughts or comments on this? I feel I should speak to my psychiatrist about hearing things but I'm scared to even do that. I'm so timid lately..

 

[scars-cars-and-Rs]

First off, are you on any medications? antidepressants, antipsychotics, street drugs (including MJ), opiates, benzos, hallucinogens, etc.

Brain fog is a symptom of Fibromyalgia. I have it, a lot. Sometimes your memory fades and comes back at random times, also.

A lot of the problems you are describing could be caused by any one of these medications. And if you are like most people with the same medical issues, with many different prescriptions being taken at the same time can interact and cause and/or worsen the side effects (if these are side effects you are experiencing.

You mention many psychological/emotional disturbances, but what about physically?
You also mentioned "recovery." What type of recovery? From the assault? from drugs or addiction? from psychological or physical or medical problems?

I would like to try and help you as best I can, but your post is a bit vague.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Oh my feedthesoul my heart aches to hear your pain. Please get back to us or pm me if you need to talk ok. Being sexually assaulted is not something a person just gets over. The attitudes of people around you make me sick. Please I can't stress this enough your pain is as valid as a gunshot. Do not let anyone tell you different. They are wrong. Please let me know how your doing ok?

 

[Phil.McKeer]

Hi feed, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

And on top of everything you're already dealing with, some pervert thought he had the right to abuse you physically. I'm so sorry that happened. I'm a man and can say that some of us are...just straight up criminal with our (lack of) sexual self-control.

Please tell your psychiatrist about everything, including the hearing of voices in your thoughts/paranoia. This may be a result of medication you're taking, it can also be a result of recreational drugs you may be using, and (I don't mean to scare you) it can be a schizoid-related symptom brought about by the above mentioned substances.

How old are you? We can safely rule out precipitated schizophrenia if you are 30-ish or older.

Anyways, I'm not a doctor, and I just feel for you and want you to get better. I remember reading your threads about quitting your job and feeling empty/lonely and I wish I had reached out then, but I didn't (mostly because I didn't know what to say).

If you feel like your psych cares about you and is doing his/her job correctly and compassionately, continue with that and let them know everything. Otherwise, fire their ass and start over.

Nothing in this world is more important than your own mental and physical health, and you deserve to be happy and live a life full of positives, not a prison of bullshit and suffering.

Feel free to PM me if you need anyone to talk or rant to.

Edit: Does your psych practice CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? As far as "trusting your thoughts" goes, I think CBT is going to be the best weapon in your arsenal to get on the right side of things mentally. Everything else can follow from there, once you realize you can control your thoughts and master how to do it.

 

[feedtheSoul]

Hi guys, I appreciated your support all so much. Thank you for responding.
Last night I had an episode where I was outside smoking and I heard my dad yell someting about a secret to my mom, and I became nervous. Then I started hearing things (I am unsure if this was real or not) but I thought it sounded like my neighbors saying mean things about me for being out on the deck a lot to smoke. Somehow that fear followed by hearing my dad mention a secret, I made this assumption that my neighbors and parents are all secretly teaming up to call the cops on me and get me caught. Later I asked my mom in a fit of panic what was going on and she explained he was talking about a joke with my brother and that I am safe, my brain knows this isn't true and I am loved.

Today I've been trying to focus on reality instead of listening closer for little details to try to stay calm.
I am going to be 23 years old in the summer. In the past, it was suggested that I could be type 2 bipolar, over the years I've also expressed BPD tendencies, but not quite as bad as say, a couple years ago.

I do take antidepressants and a stimulant for my ADHD, but as of now, the stimulant is really acting more of an antidepressant. I still can't really focus. I take adderall, if this helps anyone, but my doctor said my only other choices really were ritalin or vyvanse (vyvanse seems to build tolerance quickly in my system) and I have to take nearly 100mg of adderall a day just to be awake enough to walk through that peanut butter feeling..
I also take half of a xanax. (.5 mg) once to twice a day, but I tend to avoid prioritizing taking my xanax, as I've spent many years avoiding my anxiety.

I smoke cigarettes and MJ daily. Really would like to cut out the cigs soon. MJ, not so sure - I've smoked that for about the past eight years. To follow up on scars question, I don't do anything other than these I've listed. I used to be addicted to DXM and Oxy, though. I have a slight history with shrooms and one acid trip, I've taken molly but it didn't do much with my anti depressants. Luckily, I've never taken hard drugs and I'm past the point of doing something like that when I know I have addictive traits.

Currently, my psychiatrist only prescribes my medication, I used to go to therapy and practice CBD which usually helps me to an extent until I feel like my life revolves around CBD. I do understand that it is a process, and it can be timely especially if you've dealt with depression your whole life.

I guess my biggest problem is isolation right now. I've actually made several efforts all week to make plans with a couple friends, but they haven't worked out with our schedules.

The thing is, I want to get off the anti depressants terribly! Effexor is said to be so tough though. I recently read about this Fisher Wallace electric brain stimulator machine and my insurance reimburses for it, but my parents don't seem to want to do it, they are tired of spending money on me. Its just gotten to this point where 13 years of therapy, a good 8 years on medicine, all I feel is older but I still feel just as trapped and stuck in this world. At the same time, I'd never ever leave this world over these problems, my spirituality tells me there's much more here I haven't yet seen that may makeup for all the hurt I've been through.

I agree that nothing is more important than your own health. This is probably why I tend to get upset when I've been accused that I don't spend enough time giving back for all the help I often get. It seems at the moments when I truly need help more than anything, I cant find it. I'm thrilled to see I got some second opinions from you guys. I know deep down, time is what will help me grow stronger each day. Hopefully, I can find peace and balance in my life sooner than later.

 

[feedtheSoul]

A lot of the problems you are describing could be caused by any one of these medications. And if you are like most people with the same medical issues, with many different prescriptions being taken at the same time can interact and cause and/or worsen the side effects (if these are side effects you are experiencing.

You mention many psychological/emotional disturbances, but what about physically?
You also mentioned "recovery." What type of recovery? From the assault? from drugs or addiction? from psychological or physical or medical problems?

I have believed that my medications were a major cause. I used to take mirtazapine to sleep as well, and risperdal to help alleviate my ruminating. I ran out of these when I left my job, and after the initial couple weeks, I felt terrible but almost two months later now I don't feel like I'm always going to bite someones head off, I'm just anxious.
Doc said it was okay to take ripserdal as a PRN, so I've taken it a couple times since I stopped, and only when I'm really, really freaking out. It helps when I do not take it every day.

Recovery mostly means my well being. I've been very emotional as long as I can remember, maybe age 4. I was just shy so I was a "follower" but since I didn't engage much socially or in school, I didn't really have a good grasp on connecting with others. I more wondered "how do they know how to communicate without it being a scary experience?"
I would like to be a bit less dependent on marijuana, but for some reason I have trouble counting that as something I want to recover from. I used to be addicted heavily but I don't tend to go ballistic if I haven't smoked in the past half hour anymore. I can sometimes go until its dark out until I light up.
As for physical, I get head rushes, and dizziness. My vision can't seem to focus on anything, and it takes a bit for them to adjust. Another potential cause for the headache/brain fog do you think??

 

[Phil.McKeer]

Vision issues can very much result in severe headaches and other symptoms.

Feed, I hope you find the solutions you need and/or things work themselves out. You sound like a kind, gentle person and you're the last person the cosmos needs to be punishing.

Positive thinking goes a long way (I'm not one of those "The Secret" douchemongers BTW, that's not where I'm going with this) in that it'll help you persevere in the face of crushing circumstances.

And I know you mentioned you're a bit isolated socially, but try reaching out to old, close friends. Even if its just to hang out for a sec, grab lunch, catch up...you'll find it not only fun and refreshing but you'll be building/repairing important bridges you may need/find useful down the line.
.

 

[feedtheSoul]

They say about those who deal with substance issues usually have the emotional brain of the age when they first picked up. For me, that'd be 16, and I feel I can say that sounds about right. I tend to have trouble noticing when I've said too much, or when the conversation has ended, and I'm notorious for taking things personally that weren't meant to be. I think part of my problem with isolation stems a bit from this - the split second a friend has to change plans I'm standing there like why? wait why? no seriously please tell me I'm freaking out why don't you like me? So I'm pretty sure my low self-esteem is what might push people away, I feel I may act a bit distant if someone was this way to me.

Yes, I think I used to try to find the deeper meaning in every circumstance, and over the past few (painful) years I've had to learn the hard way, through emotional, high intensity arguments or fits of panic when talking to my parents or friends. Luckily I pushed them away enough to realize that it was myself who was doing something wrong, and was able to correct it by surrenduring to myself and being as humble as I could - no justifications, play devil's advocate with myself.

It seems like this usually is what I need to do. Don't worry Phil, you don't sound like a douchemonger - I much agree with your statement, if you can acknowledge your thought patterns and see if they're being productive or destructive, you at least become aware that theres something you can do on your part to help. I've seen many situations in my life take hold of themselves and work themselves out just by me doing this and keeping my faith.. being patient and not waiting for something to show up at my door that turns my life around. I know it isn't like that anymore, so I'm glad I had realized this last year. I've definitely come a long way, but it unfortunately appears that I'm having a rough patch at this time

I think when I get real caught up in my head for this long, I forget how I used to apply the CBT coping skills. Gotta really stick it to my brain that life is ever-changing and full of lessons, that change opens new doors. I have been all week obsessing over why my friends haven't made time for me when I forgot that I just started a new job and had been so focused on learning how to set up an e-store to sell my designs on.

I am glad I seeked some insight by making this thread - you guys were awesome. I think you helped me answer my question as well as give me some new insight to think about.
I know I'll be okay, and I'll have more rough patches but I need to remember I'll always feel okay at some point again. That's what's important.
Thank you guys.