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Tragic Rolls

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MindMelted

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 15, 2015
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Hey guys, I'm wondering if any of you experience background feelings of loss/tragedy during the peak of your rolls. I'm not talking about during the comedown, but while you're peaking.
For me it's this disturbing Ray Bradbury sci fi type of headspace. I'll feel like I'm a lost soul frying my brain on drugs alongside hundreds of other lost souls, all being zombified by mind controlling DJs. Shit like that will pop into my head while rolling really hard, at least at shows.
Another example of disturbing thoughts I've had while rolling would be at an Excision show I went to the other week. This girl I like and care a lot about took 260mg of molly without having rolled for almost a year. I told her it was too much and that she'd get floored but she didn't listen and took it anyway. She got floored alright - threw up a bunch and couldn't walk for awhile. They ended up taking her to first aid. She was fine, just way too high. But while she was missing I was freaking out, frantically worried she'd gotten herself kicked out or something.
Anyway, I remember walking into first aid and there she was, sitting on the couch blatantly high as fuck. I thought she looked so beautiful (I always do but this was insane). It was like I could see into her eyes and feel the sadness and pain she's been through in her life, and all I wanted was to grab her hand and go dance. I just wanted to make her OK. Doesn't sound like much, but it was really sad for some reason. She ended up coming home with me that night though, which made me pretty happy lol.
I would say it's just the rave environment that gets me all tripped out and introspective like that, but I notice an almost "last night alive, let's fry our brains" vibe everytime I take larger doses.
I'm wondering if it's just extreme hallucinogenic empathy for myself and for all the other lost souls...so extreme it's painful...or if it's something else inside me bringing these feelings to the surface. I know empathogen highs are more than just love and dancing, but I'm wondering where these disturbing thoughts are coming from, especially since my brain's supposed to be jizzing out serotonin and dopamine while I'm having them. Another thing I've noticed is that MDMA seems to do this to me more than MDA, which has a more powerful roll IMO but lacks this tragic background feeling. Any thoughts? Is this just the "empathy" everyone talks about?
 
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I would say it's just the rave environment that gets me all tripped out and introspective like that, but I notice an almost "last night alive, let's fry our brains" vibe everytime I take larger doses. larger doses. larger doses.
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Large doses of MDMA mean increased psychedelia, which can lead to strange/uncomfortable thought loops. I theorize that if you lower your dose a little, you'll find these feelings less pronounced.
 
Clocktower: I'm thinking the same thing. For my last roll I took about 250mg total, split between a big dose and then another half dose 20 minutes later. The only reason I took this much is because my last two rolls were underwhelming due to tolerance from a stupid molly/sass binge on Halloween. When I take enough to really blow up and reach that obscene level of euphoria, the painful empathy and disturbing thoughts come through as well. It's like simultaneously having a chemical orgasm and panic attack lol. I'm not a big dude, kind of a lightweight with drugs so I guess I just roll extra hard. I also seem to get more visuals when tripping than my friends, so I wonder if psychedelics just have more of an effect on me than most people.
 
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Yeah, based on your description of the effect it doesn't sound pleasant. If I were you, I'd take a good long break of at least 3+ months (the longer the better) and then try rolling again with a more reasonable dose. If you really are a 'lightweight,' then 100-125 mg of MDMA should be plenty to get you rolling hard.

It is entirely possible that you are highly sensitive to psychedelics. I know at least two people who are as well - it's not the norm, of course, but it's not rare enough to rule out.
 
MindMelted said:
For me it's this disturbing Ray Bradbury sci fi type of headspace. I'll feel like I'm a lost soul frying my brain on drugs alongside hundreds of other lost souls, all being zombified by mind controlling DJs
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Is that far from reality?
 
Clocktower: Yeah that's probably what I'll do. I forgot to mention I'm also a pretty anxious person in general (I think I have OCD) so maybe the MDMA just makes my obsessive thoughts all the more freaky. Idk.
puking: Lol I guess not.
 
I dont normally have this problem at a show. I can get very empathetic and what have you at times but at a show or something everyone there is enjoying themselves (for the most part at least) so I generally view everyone as happy because we paid for the show we are here so that indicates a not so fucked up life.

Its when I trip or roll in "the real world" i can encounter issues. Walking in nyc for example yields a lot of people sleeping on the street, dont see that in the venue so its like the realities of the world arent there. But I agree with everyone the creeping thoughts can be from too high a dose making you over think everything. Lowering the dose is at least a good start.
 
szuko000: I guess being at an event and seeing all these drugged out people while in that headspace just fucks with me a little. I start thinking about what brought them there, why they use drugs, who their families are...shit like that. Maybe I'm projecting insecurity about my own drug use onto other people...
Something else to think about is that the dude who first introduced me to MDMA ended up becoming a lying, thieving drug addict. He's a product of his environment, and I remember while rolling REALLY hard for the first time off some sass I got from him I felt deeply saddened by the fact that he chooses to rob his friends and fry his brain because he cares so little of his own life. I used to consider him a good friend, but can't be around him anymore. I sort of associate rolling with his downward spiral and it adds an element of guilt to my own experiences.
 
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^ it could easily be that especially if the whole experience put a bad vibe on it. The only thing I can say is get some low doses in and if you dont have issues after a few of those higher doses might be ok as you associate it with good stuff. Believe me when i go to shows and candy flip i am with 2 other former junkies one of whom, my younger brother, just got out of prison so our lives may not be perfect but the point is to have fun. If we have fun responsibly then we have nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe its because i know what it was like when we were all strung out and upsetting each other but those pasts dont always mean a bad future either :)
 
szuko000 said:
^ it could easily be that especially if the whole experience put a bad vibe on it.
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This was the most powerful drug experience of my life, and I've K-holed and broken through on DMT. After a two year break from rolling I took half of a white lightning bolt pill (MDA) with 180mg of MDxx shards. It rocked me to hell. This was all supplied by the junkie friend who used to binge on disgusting amounts of molly.
I just remember stumbling through the woods rolling absolute tits - reeling from dizziness, ears ringing, eyes wobbling, brain sizzling in my skull (literally felt like I was cooking) - and feeling sick to my stomach that a friend of mine had been so low in life that they had chosen to make themselves feel this way on an almost daily basis.
This was a year ago, the first time I encountered the "tragedy vibe" during one of my rolls. I guess this experience kind of scarred me, but not necessarily in a bad way. I think about it every day, twas craziness lol.
Haha I keep editing this because I'm bored at work and it's some deep shit to think about. Maybe these bad vibes I get during rolls nowadays did come from this one first experience. I know my life wasn't close to any real danger (except maybe serotonin syndrome), but it did feel like a slight overdose. Like I said, I had this overwhelming sensation that my brain was cooking.
 
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^^
I completely agree with the above post and my personal experience would suggest the same conclusion.
 
The post is very judgmental and lacks a degree of self awareness, but it's evident that everyone thinks differently. People can't be judged accurately from a night out at a rave; it takes a person willing to put themselves in the other person's shoes to understand why they do what they do. Why would other people's decisions, that have no real impact on you, affect you so deeply? People do not usually make decisions to please strangers if it doesn't really have anything to do with them. ??

It's not like I think badly of people because they binge on twinkies and Big Macs, even though that's probably more harmful to them than mdma. That's not my problem or my business, and I actually don't see that as much of a problem either.

I do think a fair amount of criticism and critical thinking has its place, but to say people have sad lives because they decided to drop mdma for one night? Hmm, that kind of shows a lot of unjustified self righteousness while implying that one is perfect in what they do themselves. I don't see how such thoughts could come from a good person; I would think a good person would show understanding and compassion instead. But being out a lot and meeting a lot of people, I understand that it's too difficult for a lot of people to do, for various reasons and what not.

Those are just my thoughts though.
 
Yes I can empathize with your experience. Perhaps you are projecting your own anxieties and fears outwards? I do that too. Psychedelics (of which MDMA is undoubtedly a sort IMO) can amplify the experience heavily. Just take less, and don't muse to heavily on the thoughts and feelings you've had.

With more nice long breaks and good set/settings in the future I'd bet you won't have an experience like that ever again.
 
I don't know if it's necessarily a judgmental or presumptious attitude, when I've been clubbing I know many of the people around me personally and know for a fact that they have been seriously abusing MDMA, and this is when I've began experiencing this 'vibe'
 
^Haha, didn't mean to make it seem like I was replying to you, because it was meant for the post above yours.

Either way, these are just all of our thoughts. It's no big deal really. :)

Idk, it's just mdma. I don't even consider myself an abuser; that was 7 years ago now, I was a different person back then and I'm not gonna let that define me. It's all kind of whatever imo. I'm not gonna take such thoughts too seriously in this context, whether it's others people's thoughts or my own. We all have opinions, so yeah.
 
Well, like I said, these are just our judgments (don't mean to be a spelling nazi, but it doesn't have the 'e' there) on both sides, so we are free to agree to disagree.

I don't think any of us are completely fulfilled in our lives, because I think it's an endless process. To have some fun for one night, hah, that may be what we are missing. Who knows really.

It also depends on what you mean by looking out for others? Do we then go out of our way to help each other? I think that's what counts a lot.

Idk, I know plenty of people who have dropped at raves, and lead happy and successful lives. It really depends from person to person.
 
Appreciate the responses!
After everything you guys have said, I think what's happening is I'll be rolling at a show, encounter some of these people whose lives are obviously crumbling due to drugs or some other factor, and while in that type of headspace it really fucks me up, ruining my vibe. I think it comes down to me feeling guilty about my own drug use, so when I see shit like that I start to wonder if I'm any different than the people who are creeping me out...
Last night alive, let's fry our brains.
 
Don't know what people think about this but it could be the music - what sort of events have you been going to?

I can kind of empathise with the zombified army thing, but the only time I've felt remotely like this is when the DJ has been blaring out some house track for the last 10 mins. I'm a fan of house but I do feel that sometimes it's just got a very hypnotic feel to it, which can make me a little bit uneasy

My prescription - drum and bass! Sets are crazy, very upbeat tempo and songs aren't as long. Always way more of a lit up feeling in my opinion. Definitely up there with techno and house when you're on it
 
Thewhitenugget: I don't really pay attention to what type of music it is but the last show I went to was Excision, Figure, and Bear Grillz. Other ones I remember are Downlink and Dieselboy, Bassnectar, Datsik, Glitch Mob, Porter Robinson, and Funtcase.
 
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