Cocaine Gf wants me to stop

[Stringer_Bell]

Sorry this may be the wrong forum to post in. Mods, could yo kindly move it?

So, I've been using coke for about 6 months off and on. When I first discovered it I went a bit mad with it, doing too much, getting bad depression after binges. Now I'll do 0.5g in a session (maybe once every 10 days or so) and be fine the next day. I think I am addicted because after 7 days or so I'll get cravings which I struggle to resist. Ultimately I want to stop doing coke.

However my gf wants me to stop right now, go to CBT, go to NA meetings every day. I told her I'm just not quite ready to do this yet and want to quit my way (I tend to give up stuff when I'm sick of it - like with cigarettes, I didn't stop until I was so disgusted with smoking that I was 100% ready to quit). I'm not quite there with coke yet.

This is causing a LOT of tension. My gf is more important to me than coke but I just hate being told what to do by anybody. More importantly I don't think my chances of quitting are good when I'm doing it to please another person. I have a bit of a rebellious personality and when somebody assumes the role of authority figure (as she is) I tend to rebel.

I decided I'm not going to lie to her about my coke use. If I use it I'm going to tell her and not hide it. I don't want to lie about it. I told her this and she agreed. But now I just told her that a buddy of mine is in town tomorrow and I'll probably split a gram with him. She is livid.

What do I do in this situation here guys? I think I might lose her over this but as I said I just hate being told what to do. I want to do it my way. And I don't like ultimatums. Then again I guess she has the right to walk if she's not comfortable with this.

Am I totally out of line?

 

[killacityrezident]

In my advice I would tell her you'll cut down the habit for her. I lost the love of my life because I didn't wanna change I suggest you try to eat eat some cold turkey for her cuz once she's gone she might not come back

 

[Stringer_Bell]

In my advice I would tell her you'll cut down the habit for her. I lost the love of my life because I didn't wanna change I suggest you try to eat eat some cold turkey for her cuz once she's gone she might not come back

Thanks man and sorry to hear your lost your girl. That's rough.

I not only told her I will cut down but that I will go to meetings every day and do CBT, in other words get help. But I told her I need to do it in a way that will work for me, not just the way she is telling me to do it. It's partly pride at not wanting to be dictated to but also because I know her way won't work. I'm trying not to hide anything from her and be completely up front.

It's tricky. I know relationships mean compromises and sometimes putting the other person first but I don't know how comfortable I am just falling into line with what another person wants me to be. I actually do want to quit, but on my terms.

Am I being so unreasonable?

 

[killacityrezident]

I understand. your not being unreasonable she should try to understand if she gives two fucks. Just make sure you make her happy and everything will fall into place g.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Thanks dude, appreciate it.

This girl has never smoked a joint. I love her but when it comes to drugs her attitude is basically as well thought out as that of a D.A.R.E counsellor.

On the other hand I do have a problem (my use is 'light') but I still have an addiction, no doubt. I want to get on top of it but just know that trying to do so by following her instructions to the letter isn't going to work well for me or do either of us any good in the long run. I'm also trying to be completely truthful with her about my use but am thinking now, given the grief I have got today, that maybe that wasn't such a smart move.

 

[killacityrezident]

I would try to limit myself to .5 or .3 a day then work your way down to where you just need to take a bump here and there keep it low key and make sure she dosent know let her know your changing for her and your stopping starting today as long as you don't get caught up along the process all is well...

 

[Stringer_Bell]

I would try to limit myself to .5 or .3 a day then work your way down to where you just need to take a bump here and there keep it low key and make sure she dosent know let her know your changing for her and your stopping starting today as long as you don't get caught up along the process all is well...

I've actually been doing like 0.5g a week.

Yeah I've tried to be completely honest with her so that doesn't work so maybe doing it on the down low is better. She always knows though (red nose).

 

[Burnt Offerings]

If she's more important than cocaine, and you feel that she'll walk if you don't stop, then yeah, I think the obvious answer is to stop using.

Then again I see where you're coming from in regards to having a natural urge to rebel against someone who is trying to enforce their own dictates on your life. For instance, if anyone told me that I needed to stop smoking weed, I'd tell them to go fuck themselves Perhaps the solution is agreeing with her on a timeframe in which you will eventually quit. That'd satisfy both your desires...you'll quit, so she'll be satisfied, and you will be able to quit on your own terms rather than having someone demand that you change your behavior RIGHT THIS SECOND, BECAUSE THEY SAID SO

 

[Stringer_Bell]

If she's more important than cocaine, and you feel that she'll walk if you don't stop, then yeah, I think the obvious answer is to stop using.

Then again I see where you're coming from in regards to having a natural urge to rebel against someone who is trying to enforce their own dictates on your life. For instance, if anyone told me that I needed to stop smoking weed, I'd tell them to go fuck themselves Perhaps the solution is agreeing with her on a timeframe in which you will eventually quit. That'd satisfy both your desires...you'll quit, so she'll be satisfied, and you will be able to quit on your own terms rather than having someone demand that you change your behavior RIGHT THIS SECOND, BECAUSE THEY SAID SO

Exactly, I think this makes total sense. But she is being militant about it, demanding that I stop right now. Honestly I don't feel I'm quite ready to do that.

Tough one. I don't want to lose her and I do want to quit coke but I don't particularly like the way she is handling this.

 

[Keif' Richards]

I was in a very similar situation when I was in college OP. There's not really a good answer that one can give unfortunately. You inevitably need to make some changes for people you love (sorry people) to make it work, but you shouldn't have to do things that truly rub you the wrong way just to appease them. If you are young, using .5g of cocaine every week or so, with little other consequence, the only problem I see, are the potential legal ramifications, you know, getting somehow arrested with cocaine on your person.

 

[cuivre]

While there's no magic answer, from the outside it seems like your girlfriend is ill-equipped to handle this situation. That doesn't make her wrong, just maybe not the best person to be handling your addictive tendencies.

I'm not at all suggesting it's not worth trying to work out, but you said yourself she's got the mentality of a D.A.R.E. counselor. IMO you are totally right that being forced to quit is not a way to do so successfully. On the other hand... come on, you're doing coke. It's not like you're smoking a bit of weed. I know we're on BL and all, which means most of us do some kind of drug(s), but coke is not a joking matter. Her heart is in the right place.

I understand her resistance and militant feelings on the matter as best I can, but I agree with others who have said that if possible you should really try to come to some kind of compromise. It sounds like you're trying your best to do what you can to meet her in the middle (to a degree) and from what you're telling us, it doesn't sound like she's doing much the same. That said, you are a biased storyteller so maybe she's being better than it sounds. Still, unyielding ultimatums are really not the way to handle this particular kind of use IMO (or really any).

Relationships are literally all about finding middle ground during conflict. This is a doozy of a conflict; drugs often are. If you don't find some sort of compromise, in all likelihood you will lose her eventually.

Lastly, I don't really blame her for being mad about your friend coming in to town. If I were her, IN THIS SPECIFIC CONTEXT, and my partner told me that I'd be notified of any use, to me that says "I'll be told if he slips up and can't control himself." Not "He'll tell me when he is planning to do cocaine in advance​."

 

[Stringer_Bell]

I was in a very similar situation when I was in college OP. There's not really a good answer that one can give unfortunately. You inevitably need to make some changes for people you love (sorry people) to make it work, but you shouldn't have to do things that truly rub you the wrong way just to appease them. If you are young, using .5g of cocaine every week or so, with little other consequence, the only problem I see, are the potential legal ramifications, you know, getting somehow arrested with cocaine on your person.

Thanks Keif. I agree, I am willing to make changes, she is just 'forcing' me to do so in a way that won't work.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

While there's no magic answer, from the outside it seems like your girlfriend is ill-equipped to handle this situation. That doesn't make her wrong, just maybe not the best person to be handling your addictive tendencies.

I'm not at all suggesting it's not worth trying to work out, but you said yourself she's got the mentality of a D.A.R.E. counselor. IMO you are totally right that being forced to quit is not a way to do so successfully. On the other hand... come on, you're doing coke. It's not like you're smoking a bit of weed. I know we're on BL and all, which means most of us do some kind of drug(s), but coke is not a joking matter.

I understand her resistance and militant feelings on the matter as best I can, but I agree with others who have said that if possible you should really try to come to some kind of compromise. It sounds like you're trying your best to do what you can to meet her in the middle (to a degree) and from what you're telling us, it doesn't sound like she's doing much the same. That said, you are a biased storyteller so maybe she's being better than it sounds. Still, unyielding ultimatums are really not the way to handle this particular kind of use IMO (or really any).

Relationships are literally all about finding middle ground during conflict. This is a doozy of a conflict; drugs often are. If you don't find some sort of compromise, in all likelihood you will lose her eventually.

Thanks very much for the very balanced and fair answer. Yes, I try not to be an 'unreliable narrator' but I fully admit that naturally I'm going to present the facts in a way that favors me. I haven't done it consciously but it's pretty inevitable.

There's no doubt I have a problem and that it's serious. I definitely didn't mean to suggest that what I'm doing is fine. But I quit smoking successfully and I had to do it on my timetable and on my terms. And it took me a few goes before I successfully quit for good. So it's not even so much about her imposing ultimatums (although I don't like that), it's just that doing things her way isn't going to work and as you said, I know her experience is so limited and views on drugs are so black and white that I can't fully 'trust' her to know the best way forward.

Thanks so much for the replies guys.

 

[Coolgirl2014]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I used to date a heroin addict and all I wanted was for him to be truthful to me about his use. I would worry about him every time I wasn't with him because I didn't know if he was doing it or not and if he didn't respond to my text I would automatically assume he had overdosed.
I think if he had let me in a little I would have worried less. We eventually broke up because I was so consumed with the stress of worrying constantly about him that my everyday life was taking a negative toll.

I agree that her way might not work. I'm a firm believer that while you can support someone suffering with addiction, trying to force them to stop will never work. An addict has to want to quit for themselves in order to overcome the addiction. I know there is a fine line between supporting and enabling though.

I think it can be hard for some people who don't have addictive personalities to truly understand other addicts. They think if you just try hard enough you can quit and it's all about will power. This is not true for everyone especially when it concerns hard drugs. It's almost impossible to explain the the way physical and mental dependency works. I think it's a shame that addicts can sometimes get such a bad name.

I hope you can figure a way to get through to her and make her understand. Do you think bringing her to a meeting and letting her learn more about addiction and the way it works would help?

 

[Burnt Offerings]

An addict has to want to quit for themselves in order to overcome the addiction.

Yeah I definitely agree with that. That was one thing I was taught in outpatient which was actually a valuable insight, and something I continue to believe to this day actually, that the best chance at overcoming an addiction has a root in a determined effort on the part of the individual addict to beat the addiction for themselves, not simply to cater to others (whether those people are family members or the authorities, etc.) The attempts to quit that base themselves in something else like "I better quit or else I'll lose my wife/children", or "I better quit or I'll go back to prison" etc have less of a chance at being successful by comparison.

 

[Coolgirl2014]

It's a shame because you are trying to be open with the her, exposing yourself and telling her when your using. And from what you say she's reacting by being livid, I take that as yelling and such. She probably thinks she doing the right thing, being hard on you to get you to quit. But in all reality all she's doing by acting that way is pushing you away. Especially if you say you have issues with authority. Not saying this will happen but my opinion is if she continues to do this, you might eventually just stop telling her and maybe even using more because emotionally she's making it worse for you rather then better.

When I first found out about my boyfriends use I wanted to react the same way as her by being livid. But instead I stayed calm and just asked him to tell me about it. I even did a lot of research on addiction and particularly heroin since that was his drug of choice. It gave me a lot of perspective and had he chosen to be open with me I think it would have helped.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

It's a shame because you are trying to be open with the her, exposing yourself and telling her when your using. And from what you say she's reacting by being livid, I take that as yelling and such. She probably thinks she doing the right thing, being hard on you to get you to quit. But in all reality all she's doing by acting that way is pushing you away. Especially if you say you have issues with authority. Not saying this will happen but my opinion is if she continues to do this, you might eventually just stop telling her and maybe even using more because emotionally she's making it worse for you rather then better.

When I first found out about my boyfriends use I wanted to react the same way as her by being livid. But instead I stayed calm and just asked him to tell me about it. I even did a lot of research on addiction and particularly heroin since that was his drug of choice. It gave me a lot of perspective and had he chosen to be open with me I think it would have helped.

Thanks Coolgirl, I really appreciate your replies. Yes, I thought being honest was the way forward (she even said as much). But after what happened today I honestly can't see the merit in it. I told her that I was meeting a friend tomorrow (I actually hardly ever go out these days) and would split a gram with him. It led to an argument which ended up in her hitting me hard in the face several times. Obviously I didn't hit back. It's massively out of character for her and she's a wonderful person (I know she doesn't sound like it from this) but this was just ridiculous. I have NO incentive to be truthful now so I guess I'll have to keep it secret until I do manage to quit (which I fully realise I need to do). I know myself and I generally quit things successfully when I'm sick of the negative effects they have on my life. Since I started using coke my use has actually become far lighter than when I started (I used to go on binges that led to bad depression afterwards) and the impact on my life much less. I think I'm headed in the right direction I just need some time (and ideally support) to get to the place I want to be. Even though my use isn't heavy, the cravings are intense and I'm ashamed to say I don't always manage to resist them.

 

[Coolgirl2014]

One more thing. Sorry for blowing up your thread I just have a lot of opinions on this. My best advice to anyone dating an addict: NEVER give them an ultimatum of you or the drug. Their addiction isn't about you. And unless the addict has already decided that they are truly ready to quit for themselves the drug will always win.

 

[Mad Dash]

IF you truly love her more than the coke it id time for rehabilitation. I lost my wife because of drugs and i am still getting over it. Coke wont be there for you when you are down and love you when you are downtrodden and hopeless. I know it is not an easy decision to make but you need rehab and CA. If you want to make this work it will be hard, but it is possible just don't wait to quit until she wants nothing to do with you.

 

[Coolgirl2014]

OP this is in reply to your last comment sorry not sure how to do the whole copy and paste thing on my crappy phone.

It sounds like her frustration might be stemming from the fact that she thinks you love Coke more then her. Obviously addiction is far more complex then that. A lot of people with relationships with addicts whether it's girlfriend or boyfriend or even son and daughter etc feel as though the addict loves the drug more then them. This is just a misunderstanding of addiction in my opinion. addiction can not be simplified into do you love me or the drug more and thinking that way will never solve the problem.