Boston, I was sniffing the H and I said 30mg because I measured my doses with a scale, I always try to be as safe as possible. I just dumped the rest down the toilet, thank you to everyone who posted.
I've thought about everything that's been said and I guess I am a lot closer to the edge than I cared to admit. I need to be honest with myself, no more lies.
About 3 years ago I had chronic bronchitis for more than 10 months. My GP was prescribing me antibiotics and codeine. The codeine was a miracle for me, it made me feel so much better and because I needed it for the cough suppression and pain relief I could justify my use, it was medically necessary. But the main reason I wanted to take it was because it helped so much with my emotional problems, but I would never admit that was the main reason I wanted to take it, it was just another benefit. I started buying OTC codeine/APAP and doing cold water extractions to supplement my scripts because I could only get about 20 30mg pills every couple of weeks.
I kept it under control but after a while the codeine pretty much stopped working so I stopped for a while. I hadn't used any codeine in a couple of months and I was tapering off risperdal and also taking oxazepam and lithium. My doctor didn't warn me about WDs from these meds, he was pure evil, I was going through severe WDs and my psche would deny it, telling me it was anxiety and depression. He stopped the oxazepam cold turkey, (I didn't know about benzo WDs) and continued to haphazardly taper the risperdal. I became very sick for a long time and when I managed to get out of bed and get to the doctor I would be told I was developing depression and I was prescribed a few SSRIs before settling on mirtazapine. The doctors wouldn't help me so I started using codeine again to cope, it didn't work very well so I tried some poppy tea and it seemed to solve everything. It stopped the panic the pain, it let me sleep, it even stopped the diarrhea and slowed down my heart making it easier to breath. I kept this up for a while and even managed to continue going to work but I was getting worse every day. At this point the risperdal was stopped, and I was tapering off lithium, I had been poly drugged for years until my psyche finally started to admit that the meds were prob just treating each others side effects at this point and since my meds were the result of a diagnose of drug induced psychosis 7 years ago with no further symptoms.
I stopped going to work because I was so sick all the time and I had given up on asking for help. I barricaded myself in my room and went to hell for a few weeks. I was drinking copious amounts of poppy tea to try to take the edge off but it didn't help very much and the worst part is I had no fucking idea when it was going to end, these WDs had been getting worse relentlessly for months. I had been isolated for a few weeks and my parents called the mental health team, I refused to speak to the so the police came and they detained me. I was in the ER for a week and then the psche ward for a week for observation. They released me and agreed that the meds were causing all my problems, they referred me to the community mental health centre for a follow up. I went to the appointment and politely told them to go fuck themselves, they were very apologetic about how poorly I had been treated and offered to try and help me, suggesting alternative options that wouldn't involve any psychiatrists or meds.
I just wanted to get away a hide before the hurt me again. I was physically damaged pretty severely and in a lot of pain. I started using oxy to manage, I knew if I got hooked it would be the last thing I ever did so I was very careful and only used it as a last resort when codeine and poppy tea weren't enough. I started smoking weed as well to supplement the opiates which made it a lot easier to never increase my dose. This escalated to the point where I bought some H because oxy is too expensive and I can't source it very often.
I guess if I'm honest with myself I'm following a textbook pattern of spiraling opiate dependence, and it needs to stop.