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Harm Reduction ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

i never thought i would do H again, it would have been 2 years on june 2nd.... of course tho the epic fuck up that i am had to fall back into it. Ive only been using everyday for a little over a month now but i could feel its talons digging deeper into me so i had to come clean. 6 in the morning which is in almost 6 hours exactly it will be 3 days exactly since i used. my withdrawals came on within 24 hours but ive heard some come on later then that. i do feel better but i still feel drained. im hoping by tomorrow ill be mostly done with them..., sad part is though im already thinking about how long i think i should wait after the withdrawals stop to use again. fuck my life
 
Done most drugs I can get my hands on started young 11 with cannabis then moved on from there speed had a bad habit with that n would IV it .Ended up in hospital for 3 weeks with a "object" logged in my lung and got plurasy that sucked ! Ecstasy ,coke/crack ,meth ,various prescription drugs ,magic mushrooms ,acid ,then the biggest down fall heroin that gobbled up about 10 years and various stints in jail and methadone which I got put on in jail and was on that for three years on 160ml ,80mg Valium and 2 zimmervain 7.5mg came off that and was a fucking nightmare ! Strung out for months ! Got off that about 2 years ago ,now I just smoke/grow weed and maybe do heroin once a month and have a drink a couple of times a week ��
 
Hey guys im new to bluelight just sharing my story so far ahah im still young

So il just start from the beginning:

Was brought up in london where coke was very big at the time mum and dad were always on it and dad was an alcoholic, tried coke for the first time when i was 13 i had already tried weed, speed ect maybe a year before. Pretty much from here on i loved the drug world and new i was going to be apart of it.

Moved to Australia when i was 14. Started selling weed and ecstasy, at this time i had my first taste of ice, still selling weed and pills but smoking shard aswell. Got arestead when i was 16 when cops raided my parents house, i got off with a warning and charges where dropped. Being a stupid teenager this didnt stop me, i started selling pills and speed now in fairly large amounts.

I turned 18 and thats when i tried Juice (GHB/GBL) for the first time and fell in love! To this day its still the only drug that just puts me side ways and each tim i do it, its a different high. Started selling juice and ice at this point.
I got kicked out of home but i didnt care i was in love with the life of money, girls, my own place and the freedom.

But my addiction was getting to much and i didnt care about my life, i was put in hospital 3 time because of GHB overdose! One time my heart stopped and had to be revived, i was smoking 1-2 grams a day and became so paranoid and started loosing my mind would stay up for 10 days then crash for 2-3 and just repeat, i became so skinny and cold towards people, i lost my girlfriend which destroyed me l which made me so depressed i wanted to end my life.
But it all came to a stop when i got pulled over in the city and they found some shard and a few bottles they then when to my house and found allot more drugs.
I was charged with trafficking juice and ice and did 12 months.
Im 19 now living with my parents again, still using every now and then but just trying to get my life together and fix my head i guess.
Im still young and have no where near the experience that most of the people on BL do but i just think its crazy how young kids are getting when they start
 
I don't really like long accounts of addiction personally, so I'll keep mine short:

First started drinking and smoking weed around 16 or 17. Stuck with that combo until I took psilocybin mushrooms when I was 21. I fell in love with the feeling of being really, really high and started using other drugs. Tried MDMA and cocaine not long after that, then various tranquilizers, then meth when I was 24, and heroin when I was 26. All of this was sprinkled with frequent use of psychedelic hallucinogen drugs.

I don't personally think I'm truly addicted to any of these things because I've never really gotten any physical withdrawal symptoms from any of them (well, except maybe alcohol, but alcoholism was a brief flirtation of mine) but I think it'd be fair to call me a drug addict. I'm a poly drug user for sure. I'm disappointed with myself for getting into heroin, though. I befriended a nearly-lifelong hard drug user (who came from a family of drug addicts, who had also abused drugs for nearly their whole lives in the same area) in the city I live in and he was like a yellow pages of the drug trade in this area, and I built quality connections through him, connections which have lasted for me even though that man is currently in prison. I hope he gets out soon, he's a good guy.
 
This may sound minor to most people in the forum, but I am really addicted to caffeine. I drink about 6-8 20-ounce Diet Dr. Peppers per day. It makes me feel like shit. I take Sertraline, Abilify and Klonopin, for starters and I think it's wrecking havoc with one or all of them. I have ocd and can't seem to not focus and obsess about Diet Dr. Pepper. My therapist is trying to help me, but I can't stop drinking the shit! Why would I ingest something that makes me feel gross and so much of it? It takes away my energy, ambition, drive, positivity, sense of purpose and a lot more. Help! Any advice would be appreciated.
 
I'm middle aged dude who started working a good job out of college. I hade a beautiful gfriend at the time. I made decent $. Pretty much the normal norm until I met cough syrup with hydrocodone in it

Tell us a little bit about yourself and what led to you using drugs.

Substance(s)

What substances were/are you abusing.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

How long were you addicted or dependent on the drugs that you were consuming?

Adverse Effects

How did drugs negatively impact your life. Feel free to discuss IV complications and/or overdoses.

Warnings and Advice

Do you have any advice or warnings that you would like to share to those suffering from addiction or are playing with fire?

Miscellaneous

Discuss anything that wasn't addressed above.[/QUOTE]
 
fuck. i'll give yall a SHORT version. i mean abridged as fuck.

the first drug (and it IS a drug) i ever used was pot (which i can't really stand sitting here 20 years later. gives me fuckin anxiety, now.). I don't think pot is a gateway drug because i know many people who have smoked it for years and have never taken so much as a xanax or snorted a line of blow. said people would probably tell me to go fuck myself if i offered it. (some potheads are closed minded ;) )

i got dosed by a friend's older brother with what he said was 500ug of LSD in '97. 7th grade. he told how much i had taken after i had come off the shit (because i couldn't understand english about an hour after he had given it to me. he was trying to scare me and i was indeed terrified. complete ego loss.) looking back, the dude was 18 and i was 13...he was kind of a dumbass. he easily could have gone to jail if i had not kept it together and had a total meltdown requiring calling my parents (we knew even then that shrooms and LSD did not warrant hospital visits unless the user was seizing or their lips were turning blue due to not breathing....not color shifts style, (haha) AKA never. I walked around my friends house for 8 hours looking at my arms, not realizing they were attached to me or were arms for that matter, feeling the walls, crawling around on the floor, and saying "what the fuck? oh my god. what the fuck?" over and over. **this is what my friend told me i was doing. i don't remember a lot of this trip. i was never the same afterward, though, in that i gained a very high respect for psychedelic drugs and decided that god or whatever you want to call it if you believe in it was definitely not the shit i learned it church, but was something much to big to ever describe in words. i felt very subdued by what i was seeing and feeling. crushed, pulverized, and obliterated. i have since come to channel this sensation into very positive ways to grow as a person, respect myself, others, and whatever the fuck is running the mill of the universe. (i lost my way after some years when i stopped using psyches and started using pills, powders and eventually black tar. i'll get there in a sec...)
in retrospect, as a now older, and much more mature psychedelic user, i was really just getting "fucked up" back then. though all the while gaining a slice of insight into how fucking weird this whole universe and others truly are, i wasn't old enough to understand the gravity of doses like that...sometimes i'm still not but i don't do it for FUN anymore. Fun CAN be a byproduct, though. ;)



Anyway, my third try was a combo of ativan and ambien maybe 6 years in to my stoner career. That shit FUCKED ME UP. the first ambien i ever took, i took in a dark room alone and hallucinated insane shadow people and such (which i later revisited on meth, numerous times after 2-5 day benders). i was around 17 at this time and had yet to ever even drink alcohol. I was that guy at the party in high school smoking weed and watching everyone else get sloshed, acting self-righteous and saying "yall are fucking stupid. why don't you just smoke weed, instead?". I also took lortabs a few times during this period but they made me incredibly ill unless i laid down for the duration of the experience. otherwise, i loved them. the first several times you use opiates...man that shit rules. years later, i found promethizine not only took care of the nausea FULLY but also boosted the opiates. i got a scrip for it, claiming nausea due to social anxiety and i soon developed a very long, painful addiction to all opiates.

**rewind a bit**

My senior year in highschool, i decided "FUCKIT" and ate 2 jello shots at a party. This is where the downfall really started, honestly. what a pussy way to imbibe alcohol for the first time, right? after about 3 minutes i felt slightly numb (i was also stoned so i didn't really experience alcohol on it's own the first time i used it). i ate 8 more jello shots in about 5 minutes. i was a horrible insecure person so i played it off like i had done this before. needless to say, i began sweating profusely about 6 minutes later while outside smoking a cigarette. i felt stupid but kind of good. i definitely needed to take a seat and did so. played it off pretty well that night but i did go puke in the corner of my friends back yard. no one noticed (and my 12th grade ass thanked fuck profusely for that). however, i started drinking every weekend after that. i stuck mostly to beer, which i developed a taste for almost instantly. i was like "this is like soda only waaaay fucking better and it's nice to have 3 or 4 with a joint or bowl". i LOVED the taste of beer (still do, though i no longer drink, for reasons you will find later on in this story.). I did weekend drinking for several years after, used hydros, benzos, and started taking psychedelics regularly (thankfully my mainstay).

My alcohol consumption started to increase my freshie year of college when i started running in to girl problems (i had a taste for awful, slutty, abusive, and very attractive women). Alcohol really helped me to care fuckin less. i stopped smoking as much weed because it was starting to make me get "all up in my head about the situations" if you know what i mean. It was a great friend. I'm a very sensitive person but enough alcohol (especially with a few lortabs or a xanax bar) alleviated the anxieties and hurt feelings i experienced when i was cheated on or just plain fucked over. I discovered that if i consumed these drugs constantly, hell, i never felt bad. A friend of mine in college also got 90 30mg Adderall IR per month and GAVE me his whole scrip every month. started snorting those every day and taking xanax and vodka to go to sleep at night. i excelled in college and graduated with a Bachelors in Arts with a 3.5 GPA. Got out of school and moved a girl i had been seeing for several years (though i got fucked up and cheated on HER a few times, early on. go fucking figure. she never found out.) ...anyway. i gotta stop the parentheses haha. i moved her in with me but could NOT get a job with my B.A. started working a nightshift at a local hospital. there were free hypos syringes in nearly all the rooms that patients checked out of and the Cath lab often left the medicine cart unlocked (unbelievable but i promise this is true). i used a friends pass to open the door to the cath lab several times a week. i told him it was to access the burn unit, which was highly restricted due to the patients having lowered immune systems. I stole vials of demerol/promethazine. JACKPOT. this is where i found promethazine. i could get as fucked up as i wanted off opiates without puking and while still being able to work! i started shooting morphine with the demerol and promethazine around this time in the bathrooms of the hospital. all new rigs. all medical grade. all doses regulated. dream job. worked it three years. showed up drunk almost every day and that finally got me fired. my relationship, which i had been in for six years at this point ended abruptly when i had "the flu" following my termination. The flu being MAJOR Opioid WD, of course. I didn't look for a job and i stole money from my gf while she was at work, drank lot's of whiskey, and put up with the WD. one night she came home and i ended it, surprisingly. at this point, i had given up and hated everything and everyone in my life, while at the same time feeling like they did not deserve to be treated the way i was treating them. she informed me she had been seeing another guy for the last 4 months, anyway, but that i had seemed too distant (high) to notice. that added insult to injury. solution? MORE DRUGS! I discovered roxicet within a few days of this girl leaving and i was getting 15's for $3 (yes. really). this ridiculously too good to be true price lasted as long as the roxis...about two months before my friend's mom discovered he was stealing from her stash. i was injecting and snorting them. when that supply ran dry, i had no fucking problem switching to heroin. i was hopeless and really just waiting to die. i sat on this addiction, while drinking a handle per day of whiskey. went to hair school, stayed fucked up the whole time. took a "leave of absence" for a month to try to straighten myself out, came back to school PRETENDING i was better (while still using and drinking) and suffered thru school. when i graduated, i met the love of my life. a straight laced fashion designer. she doesn't do drugs and did not know the signs of addiction what so ever. i successfully hid my opiate problem from her for 3 years. she even slept thru an overdose i had in the bathroom after she went to sleep one night. she knew i was an alcoholic but being that i wasn't abusive to her, she just hoped i would straighten that problem out. around this time, i started smoking crack and meth pretty regularly. heroin was always my main thing i absolutely "NEEDED". and alcohol. i could not even operate my body correctly unless i had a pint in the morning to get out of bed. next i had to score so i could go to the salon job i started. i got fired eventually ( i fell asleep standing up while working on a client and my boss, who had plenty of experience with drugs, as is common in the hair dresser world) and my boss told me she would give me my job back if i could get myself cleaned up. i never went back to work there. i started selling drugs to support myself while my girlfriend worked all day (she thought i was still working out of the house, cutting hair.) I drove prostitutes to tricks in exchange for hits from their boyfriends who were tricking them out. I stole, lied, hustled, got others hooked so i could get free dope by helping them get theirs, and never felt bad about any of it. i was the most selfish piece of shit ever and only prayed i would die soon.

One day, a junkie friend of mine asked me if i wanted a few caps of MDMA. SURE! why the fuck not? they were for free, surprisingly.

deep in to the roll, i started feeling like i was worth something. this is hard to explain but anyone who has experienced it knows what i am talking about. i had felt worthless for years and was overjoyed by this freeing sensation. i had rolled hundreds of times before this but for some reason, i have an awakening. i made an appointment with a suboxone doctor while rolling. next i called my parents and told them i was hopelessly addicted to heroin. after that, i called my girlfriend and told her the same thing but that i was getting help. i received undying support from my parents and girlfriend at once. i am truly blessed for this.

I got on suboxone three weeks later (taking only hydros and percs in the meantime. not enough to get high, as i had no desire to anymore, but just enough to stay almost "normal"). i got off suboxone a year ago. my alcohol problem continued and was bad enough that i knew factually was too ill to hold a real job. i kept selling drugs and eventually wound up in jail. i wasn't even smoking weed at the time. just drinking. my alcoholism, thru all that crazy shit, is what landed me in jail. after that, i found A.A. once i discovered i was allowed to choose my own conception of God or a Higher Power (which i had due to heavy use of psilocybin and DMT in my early 20's), i started working the 12-steps. i'm sure 12-step programs are frowned upon by many around here but it is the ONLY thing that helped me to quit a nearly 15 year daily heavy drinking regimen. when i was 26, a doctor told me i would be dead in 6 months if i didn't cut it out and THAT didn't even stop me. 12-steps have made me a nicer person. a much less selfish person....and much more patient and understanding with others. they haven't made me feel bad about myself...they have made me feel GOOD about myself and my recovery. my sponser knows i got my conception of a higher power from psychedelics and luckily agrees they can be beneficial. (psyches are frowned on in AA for some reason, even though Bill Wilson, co-founder was a HUGE proponent of LSD for alcoholics. go figure.) i am now married to the wonderful woman i have mentioned in this long (yet very abridged) post. I still use psychedelics on a monthly basis. LSD and more importantly Mushrooms, or DMT to keep myself humble and to gain spiritual insight. i have not had an alcoholic drink in 5 months. i eat healthily, i now have a job i LOVE, i pay my bills, i don't ever sleep in my car, and i can buy things for my wife when she lets me.
This is a story of triumph and it doesn't stop here. I have to keep living this way and helping others.

I do not judge any of you who love getting fucked up and partying. have fun! I'm just not someone who can use hard drugs. i've tried and failed miserably many times. If you can get away with it and just do it now and then, more power to you! if it is consuming your life and you are sick of it, ask for help. it's nothing embarrassing. Cheers!
 
Brief Background
Addictive personality and alcoholism runs in the family

My first drug experience happened in high school with Cannabis, i started smoking religiously at the age of 18(now 20, almost 21) to help combat my Ulcerative Colitis, which has been great success. From there, i have wanted to experiment farther into psychedelics

Substance(s)

Cannabis: Started at the age of 18, now 20. I am an OMMP patient and use Cannabis to help control my disease.
Opiates: Due to my illness I have spent some lengths of time in the hospital all opiated up. I first got into opiates when I was 18 after spending a week on a morphine pump(do not know the exact dosage but what i recall the mg/ml was 2.1mg/ml. This eventually lead to other opiate use once i was released but this lasted 3 months and do not have this problem anymore. very rarely do i get opiates.
MDMA: Tried MDMA for the first time back in april 2015. First ever amp I tried and boy was it awesome. I really didn't get the whole loving openness i hear so much of, but the euphoria and heightened music experience was all i needed.
25i-Nbome: Tried for the first time back in april as well. First psychedelic used and had an amazing time. Come down was very minimal at first.(was sold as 25i. my supplier won't bullshit me when it comes to RC's.
LSD: Tried back in may. First trip was bad(bad person to trip with, irresponsible setting) my second trip was magical.
Shrooms:Tried once and the only drug i have never gone back for a second try. My first trip was so fulfilling i haven't felt the need for a second trip at my current point in time.
Duration of Addiction/Dependence

The substances I view i have problems with

Cannabis: 2 years(i use for medical purposes, but way to much to really consider it all medicinal)

MDMA: Once every week/every other week for the past 1.5 months

25i-Nbome: Handful of times in the past 3 months

Adverse Effects

Cannabis: Slight social Anxiety/anti-social, more paranoia,

MDMA: ​Really really rough come downs. Sometimes semi-suicidal but usually gone in a day to three

25i-Nbome: This one right here. I have done this RC a handful of times and every trip just seems to be worse and worse. Im actually to the point i want take this RC anymore. I dosed anywhere from 1mg-3mg. Each time the body load just got worse and worse while the paranoia increased. My last trip(1.8mg) was the worst i have experienced. The come up took about 2.5 hours and once i was at peak i had this horrible sharp pain in my kidneys the entire night and next two days. The pain was so bad. I was also not with a group of people i fully trusted, thus the pain and people put me in a very bad head space. right at the come down of the trip my thoughts started moving at 150mph and i was really freaked. At this feeling I left the group and went on a very long and stimulated 5 mile walk. This was very helpful, took awhile but eventually got into a clearer headspace to ride the trip out. The remaining of the day I was still feeling the kidney pain which started to wrap around my back. 3 days later and the pain was better. I am very thankful for this trip because not only did I not die(this was a thought going through my head during the trip) but it has taught me i need to learn more self control and not to take Nbome's anymore.

Warnings and Advice

Self control is everything. Something i really struggle with but working on improving.
Stay away from Nbome's
 
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What's up everyone, sorry I have been gone for a while.

Ive been getting caught up in the casino losing all my money lmao.

its like I go from being addicted to Heroin, (well im on buprenorphine maintenance currently) to being addicted to gambling

never seen that coming lol

I hate money and how it rules everything and controls everything. ....

sad sad word we are in today, 2015 wow has the world changed
 
My Experience

I’ve always been a pacifist at heart and live by rules that I do not steal be it from stores or from friends, nor do I want conflict although I have been involved in a violent past it wasn’t something I enjoyed. Right before the summer vacation of 2000is with a month before the end of grade 7 and two months before turning 13 years of age I was reading erowid and everything there was so fascinating. There is only so much reading you can do am I right? I decided to try LSD so I went around the school I went to asking who could get it for me and someone I was friends with pointed me to three guys that even he didn’t hang out with since I found out they were the ‘stoners’ of the school who were in grade 8 and going on to high school. Once I said I wanted LSD they kind of laughed and said I should try weed first so I said no problem. I got my $10.00 ready and set aside (lots of flyers delivered for that $10 bill when your 12yrs old going on to 13yrs that’s a lot of work for that money). On a Friday I called the phone number and turned out we lived in the building across the street from each other and the 4 of us went to the park. One of the guys got my money along with everybody else’s and came back after 20min, already blazed so he handed me my 1g high grade cannabis. We all pitched in but I only pitched in very little maybe 1/10 if even. I was given the homemade water bottle bong once but didn’t know how to inhale. After proper explanation I was given a proper hit that I held for a good 10sec, followed by another one shortly after, held in the same if not longer amount of time.

It didn’t hit me instantly! It took about 2-3min but when it hit, it hit like a ton of bricks! I loved it but it was shortly interrupted by the guys after getting high ‘fighting’ which I had no idea they did and because that it became a big turn off to hang with those guys, I went to the dealer’s once inside but backed off from fear/emotion when we were face to face I said I came to see the son. So I was left with the gram, almost 1 gram which I smoked by myself and enjoyed immensely though it was hard to get weed since these guys were the only source I had for it. Later in high school I was able to have steady connections from reliable like minded individuals.

Right during this time, after having tried cannabis, I discovered my dads Oxycocet 5mg (this was 2000-20001) so it was new to everybody but for a good month I didn’t associate it with Oxycodone. I instead tried Imovane (zopiclone) 7.5mg and intentionally staying awake for about 2 months with a friend until they ran out experiencing mild hallucinations but shitty aftertaste. Afterwards I got hold of Dexedrine 5mg and 10mg IR (orally) which I began using and abusing with a minimum of 20mg/day and maximum of 70mg/day averaging 40mg/day since $1/10mg IR. After problems with that connection I decided to give Oxycocet a try, taking 1 pill. After 30-35min not feeling anything, I took 1 more, however right as I swallowed the 2nd I began to feel the butterflies in the stomach from the 1st so I knew it was indeed Oxycodone and that I was high and would be even more so in a little bit. The high was overpowering and vowed that I would never do it again! The next day I took 2 pills from the get go not 2hrs after getting up! In 2004 I went on 205mg/day methadone for addiction to smoking fentanyl gel from Duragesic patches from the next door neighbor and in 2010 had a 1 year heroin addiction, east coast dope the guy/dealer was busted with 1g that tested at 49% dope. What was 2-3 day from morning to night, smoking/chasing, 1 point (100mg) a day, in less than 5 months became 1g day so 10 points anywhere between $160-$230/g. Currently on methadone 150mg/day for the 3rd time and trying to get a medical marijuana license.

Have presently done every drug, psychedelic, benzo, opioid, n2o, ketamine, mdma, mda, hashish, cannabis, LSD, LSA, DMT (once). I hope I've had enough for a lifetime. I still smoke high grade cannabis and would still be willing to do the occasional psychedelic.

P.S. if you are looking for a short yet extremely psychedelic experience I want to recommend (even for those that don't like ketamine) the following mix: ketamine snorted in 50mg-75mg lines every 30min, you don't want to get to the k-hole just under that, after you snort your ketamine line, assuming you are already lying down have a friend if possible, have on hand several (at least 2) nitrous balloons (about 3-4 hits)! It will give a level of psychedelia (sp?) that only DMT would be able to create except you can make sense of it, sound is distorted to the extreme!
 
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Brief Background:
I'm 26 years old. I'm working on my masters and employed as a registered nurse. I grew up in a super conservative home, totally obvious to drugs. Started drinking at 15, was prescribed Xanax at 16 for severe anxiety at the request on my mom. A few years later a found out her erratic and strange behavior was caused by Soma & Percocet. She's currently in recovery after 4 Drug DUIs.

Substance(s):
Xanax. A rotation of Percocet, Demerol, and Roxi's depending on what's available.

Time Addicted/Using:
I've used Xanax for almost 10 years. At one point I was highly addicted and taking about 8-10mg a day. Now I only take 1mg daily, if that. I tried Percocet 3 years ago because I was curious to see why my mom loved it.. A friend was using it at the time and got me started snorting it. I have been buying Roxi regularly for about a year. I buy 35 15's, 40 perc 10s, and about 30-40 Demerol a month. Occasionally more if I can and there have been rare occasions I have stolen from my job to prevent getting sick..

Adverse Effects:
NO MONEY ever!!! Pills are fucking expensive and if I have the money 9 times out of 10 yes I will spend it on pills. Constant runny nose and headaches from snorting pills. Weight loss. Lack of social life because I have to hide my addiction.. I don't want people being able to tell I'm high. When you're out its the worst pain. Every ache in your body is amplified by 1000x, can't sleep, can't eat, can't get comfortable, diarrhea .. Just straight misery.

Warning:
Don't say you won't get addicted or that you can control it. I thought I could for a long time... If you think that just try going a day or two without it. It's so freakin hard. My usage has always revolved around my anxiety. I need a pill to go out. Need one for a long car ride or plan trip. To the point of I need a pill to go to work and make it through my shift. At this point it isn't "fun" or sometimes even possible to do things without taking a Roxi or a Xanax. And yes the high feels wonderful in the beginning, that goes away. It takes so much to get there and when you do it's never the same as those first few months. Not to mention the long term effects on your body.. It's just not worth it.
 
My girlfriend is a heroin user she been doing drugs since she was 15 pills and weed to shooting up her longest time clean was about 7 months and she relapsed and we sent her to a treatment facility in Florida(NOT THAT ONE YOU SEE ON THE COMMERCIALS) she came back and within a few weeks she used again, she has nearly died twice from heroin overdoses. I found out more recently shes been using even though I though she was clean. Now I'm sitting at an impasse because I truly do love her but i don't know if i can keep doing this forever. I don't see her stopping anytime soon, she has no problem lying to me to protect her addiction. Im not a controlling boyfriend but I don't know who she talks to or where she goes. I just don't know what to do anymore I feel like I'm gonna find her one day to late and she will be dead on the floor and I know I can't handle that it would drive me crazy straight to a padded room can someone give me advice.
 
Im 24 hrs into my withdrwls and i hate this shit. I been using different drgs on and off for about 23-26 y r lrs i kicked a wicked meth habit then picked up the crack pipe which ended with a 2 and half yr prison stay. God i wish i would have learned from that....but i had surgery fir a hernia and that gave me 180 30grm roxis....oh my goodness the bliss the sweet sweet poppy dreams i had. Felt like my body had silk a) over it. Like being back in the womb again. Now 3 yrs later am on subs and my doc got fired for some reason and i am trying to stay sober will see a doc thursday and wish i could sleep until then. Anybody have any ideas for a stranded wanderer in okc? Need to beat this.
 
I remember always enjoying the euphoria of pain killers. I went for years just buying them every couple of months for a fun night. Well once I moved into an apartment with some friends at 19 years old that's when I started trying everything else. (I'm past weed at this point...I had already not liked the feeling it gave me after going the 9 months of pregnancy it out it). I even remember how scared I was to even try a bump of coke...annoying the people who were high already. I tried it and it actually had no effect...couldn't figure out the fun in it. Well turns out I come home from work one night and I find out my roommates boyfriend was selling drugs out of my house. I was pissed being a single mom and he's doing this after I give him a.roof over his head. Well that's where it all went wrong. To make it up to me he pretty much gave me free dibs on what I want when I want. (This time in my life I was doing what a mother is supposed to do as far as providing food and clothes and anything she needed and/or wanted, but I was selfish...which being 10 years older I've grown out of somewhat) I'm thinking we'll I can just sell this and make extra money, but noooooo I was too curious. By the way he was selling anything you can think of as far as drug dealers go. So I instantly get hooked on E...OMG I loved it. I was a cocktail waitress at a strip club so I went through a few months haze of making lots of money because I was so much fun (and no not in a.sexual way..one thing I've always had was the ability not to be a whore...very proud. Thank you thank you. :) ) Then came the coke and strippers love that shit and meth. I loved coke but only tried meth once and I was high for too long. I was hanging out with friends and I did a tiny little bump but on the way out the door dude was like, "I'm not going to send you away your first time and not have more when you come down." Awesome right? Lol. Well I'm driving home thinking every car was a cop and all that just happened was a set up so I pull over do a little more to feel better until I got home. I walk in my.door and I swear after sitting on the couch for 5 minutes it was night time again and I have to go to work. I decide not to take the shit with me...big mistake. I couldn't count my money, sit still, or even speak coherently to my boss. He's not a dumb ass he's knows what's wrong and sends me home. I'm completely embarrassed and swear I'll never do it again, crying on the way, the whole nine yards.....until I walk in the door and in between tears I'm doing a line until it's gone. Lol. Litterally decided well I can't waste it, but I'm not going to enjoy it. Lol. But honestly never did it again to this day, but coke I still like. And I go through years of that Roller coaster until, being a shitty parent, but she still gets whatever she wants...im.just not clean, taking her with me to pick the shit up while all these dealers were asking me to fuck or suck them because I guess that's what the other coke heads did. AGAIN THAT'S ONE ROAD I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT I NEEDED TO DO. I may not have been the mother I should have been but I worked my ass off for my fix basically becoming a functional drug addict...bills paid, new clothes, food, car, all that. Well eventually kicked that habit still getting it maybe once a year for a party or when it was offered. So a few years and another child comes along. (Before that child was all the acid and shrooms, more E..don't remember much from those years except at some point I have sex with my boyfriend and get pregnant. Again, I stop all drugs even quit smoking. Eventually that relationship doesn't work either because of sorry man syndrome, and I reunite with this kid that always had a crush on me and I never paid him any attention. Well, I had a c section and was still in alot of pain and he's got a pocket full of pills...anything you can imagine him being a dealer and he hooks me up. Yeah I had pain but pills were always my drug of choice. At this point at least my head is where it needs to be concerning my kids and professional life. So fast forward and we get married and my roommates boyfriend from the beginning of my story comes to hang out one night and he's got something he knows I'll like. It's methadone, and a the time I only knew it was for heroin addicts so I'm really hesitant but finally take one, and wait and wait and wait...still no feeling and I'm bugging the shit out of him saying they don't work, this and that, he's telling me what anyone who has read this far is thinking....when you first take them they take a LONG time to.kick in. Finally before it kicks in he gets aggravated and says, "HERE", and hands me five more. So me thinking it's like any other pain pill I can pop 5 or 6 of and be ok, I throw all 5 in my mouth. Let's just say I had trouble keeping my shit together and staying awake of course. I'm doing coke to counter act it and for some reason we all decide to somewhere (my kids are at a sitter) and they let me drive, but they refuse to ride in the car with me. (Assholes!! Some man I'm married to....thinking it's funny to watch me try to kill myself (and surprisingly I kept all 6 10mg dones down. ) But I start driving apparently at some point I took my clothes off..I say apparently because I only remember waking up in a running car stopped at a stop sign to someone tapping on my window. He said he pulled around me when he left and decided I needed help when I was still passed out at a stop sign when he came back an hour later! Lord knows who saw me. For all I knew someone else got me naked. I don't remember and my sorry ass husband took off with the one thing that was keeping me awake..the blow. (Don't worry I'm almost to the end..lol) Well after I sleep the whole weekend I get woken up by my alarm clock for work at 5 am Monday and I'm still fucked up. After sleeping for two days!!! I get through the day and decide that I loved that drug but I'll listen to my friend next time. For a while I could take one and be good, but of course another 7 years, my house, my job, my car, any and all belongings, my husband all go away. Husband was my choice and a couple months in jail and a new photo, is what I'm left with. I got out of jail with my kids and I only.owned what we were wearing because my lovely hunny stole everything so he could get his fix. He's doing this to his child we have together as well. But that portion goes by and again I get my shit together but can't take the withdrawls from the methadone so I'm still taking that. Sometimes to get high...sometimes just so I wasn't dope sick. I say get my shit together only because I'm working again and living under the same roof with my girls again with my second exes parents. I meet the man I'm with now and notice he's nothing like any other guy I've been with. He wanted to take care of my girls and I, and I've never experienced that not even as a child. We both get jobs and a place to stay but I'm still taking the dones, but this time I'm keeping it from him. I had respect for him..something else I've never experienced. I succeed for almost two years without him knowing...never once taking his money to buy them. Needless to say he gets told by my asshole little brother because I won't give him any pills. And I'm thinking he's going to leave me, but he doesn't care. At this point he's a heavy drinker which never bothered me because of what I was keeping from him and even though he's drinking he's being a great father to my girls not to mention me. Well he eventually quit drinking and never asked me to quit the pills. Even if he had I couldn't just stop. He's never taken it...he doesn't know the misery you.go through when you don't have them. Over the next two years we have maybe two disagreements over it because I put off a bill or two here or there so I can get high. Not to the point of cut off or anything but with him not drinking anymore he's more level headed which balances me out perfectly since I tend to have a temper. But finally I just got tired of trying to find a way to get high every day and this past Monday started my suboxone, but even though I felt ok on it the first day I'm sitting here high on pills..not methadone though. Someone gave me to k8 dilaudid. So needless to say I'm sitting here looking at him and walking to my kids rooms and looking at them and even though he's says he's not going anywhere can't help but be scared he will. It starts out that way. They deal with it, go though some broken promises, tons of lies, and secrets because even though I know he knows high I lie to him because I can't stand the thought of him thinking negatively about me. He thinks he traded up with me, but I'm the one who got the good deal. I know it's going to take time, but methadone is the only drug I couldn't kick on my own. Sorry such a long story but I figured I'd be honest with someone about my drug problems...
 
Bayott420 said:
Im 24 hrs into my withdrwls and i hate this shit. I been using different drgs on and off for about 23-26 y r lrs i kicked a wicked meth habit then picked up the crack pipe which ended with a 2 and half yr prison stay. God i wish i would have learned from that....but i had surgery fir a hernia and that gave me 180 30grm roxis....oh my goodness the bliss the sweet sweet poppy dreams i had. Felt like my body had silk a) over it. Like being back in the womb again. Now 3 yrs later am on subs and my doc got fired for some reason and i am trying to stay sober will see a doc thursday and wish i could sleep until then. Anybody have any ideas for a stranded wanderer in okc? Need to beat this.
Click to expand...
That's all I can say is be head strong. But at the moment I'm in no position to be giving advice because I've relapsed after a day of subs. All because I couldn't resist the free high. Be around positive people...someone to make you laugh. You'll make it
 
Just joined Blue light although I've been a regular visitor for many years. I've been "doing my thing" since my early teens. I got into pharms with a very small habit, which quickly progressed from a perc 5 all the way up to IV heroin and cocaine user. If I could shove it in my vein and had any inkling that I could catch a buzz, I did it. Hit rock bottom, crawled back up out the hole, got a good job back, etc. These days I don't consider myself out of control. I ruined every vein I had, including both sides on my neck, to the point that whenever I have to get an IV line in the hospital, the docs now have to put my mainline into my neck using an ultrasound machine and it has to be done by an M.D. and not your average "IV installer." Given that I can't find a good vein that I'm willing to use anymore, I don't use often anymore. BUT, old habits come back to haunt me every now and then when the right stuff comes around, the money is right, and the situation/location is kosher. But now I have to keep my priorities in check, keep my job, make sure the bills are paid, and be somewhat responsible so the occasion is very rare. Sadly, after being a hardcore IVer and knowing how fast and intense the buzz is from that, it makes just popping a pill or two seem meager in comparison. I do still have an Addy and Xanax script and I can be one cranky beyotch if I run out early and don't get to wake up to my legal speedball. Things are much better in my life these days. I've done so many grams, packs, bundles, tabs, pills, rocks, syzzurps, etc. over my life that I do consider myself well-versed in drug use. I'm definitely not a "noob" to the game and I'm really excited to be a member here. I can provide everything from advice on the safest and most effective way to prep and use just about any type of drug you can think of. I'd rather present my mistakes to someone seeking guidance in this forum so they don't make the same mistakes I have made and learn from them rather than the person make some half-assed attempt at something and screw up. Plus, I've been through and lived virtually all mental stages of drug use from the ideology of an aggressive user, the person in denial, the social user, the functional addict, desperate, sick, withdrawals, excessive confidence, extremely depressed, mild to severe withdrawals, extreme junkie, self-hate, and the list goes on. I can relate to just about every user on every level in at least some way shape or form. I'm really looking forward to meeting some fellow Bluelighters that are on the same mental mental level. Nothing irks me more than reading a really good thread and seeing a post in the middle of a very informative discussion from someone so obviously clueless on the subject; its laughable some of the things people say that are sooooo off from the truth, but at the same time, posts like that ruin perfectly awesome discussions. Plus, so many people come to Bluelighters for badly needed advice that could possibly effect their life. I hate to think people unknowing follow the advice of some of the ridiculously off-kilter posts and end up screwed. I hope to help by providing my true life experiences, not just some BS post based on info obtained from a Wiki search. Lol! Anyways, glad to be here!
 
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