MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 3)

[ub3r123]

Intense exercise works wonders for this. Yeah it is normal, you misused/abused a very powerful drug and these are the consequences. If you seriously binge on alcohol or other powerful drugs, you will also feel that for a while after. But again, it's only temporary. Everything you describe sounds very very familiar and is to be expected after rolling 3 days in a row. It's never permanent though. Be careful next time, since in my experience once you start to get these nasty hangovers, they will get worse each time you abuse MDMA again. However once you bring your usage down to sensible levels, you shouldn't get hangovers anymore but instead you'll start to feel that afterglow you used to get again

Thanks for the advice.
I am feeling a lot better than I was, my house still doesn't feel the same as it did before I went ibiza, I can't even explain the feeling but I'm just trying to ignore it (weird) Think that's been caused by anxiety though
Don't think I'll ever be touching the drug again, this has ruined it for me....give me a hangover from alcohol any day aha. Ibiza is brutal haha

 

[fraggy muffin]

Permanent damage from 1g MDMA?

hello,

I feel quite stupid really im a very intelligent guy and i went away on my second holiday to ibiza and decided to do drugs which i have never done before. My friend bought it for me and showed me how/what to do (i normally read up myself before doing anything but in the heat of the moment i just followed). I'd say first night i did about 0.4g then the next night 0.6 and the next night i was drunk before hand and accidentally spilled my bag in my glass and decided to just put the remainder in which would be 1g.

anyway this was obviously way too much and i had a horrible night and for the rest of the holiday i said thats enough. I'm back home now and its been 5 days and i don't feel right at all. i feel that my intellect is completely dampened and i can't think on the level i once did. I also get no pleasure from an orgasm at all although i did experience a little last night.

i'm just asking is this reversible fully or is there always going to be some lasting effects

 

[BlueBull]

hello,

I feel quite stupid really im a very intelligent guy and i went away on my second holiday to ibiza and decided to do drugs which i have never done before. My friend bought it for me and showed me how/what to do (i normally read up myself before doing anything but in the heat of the moment i just followed). I'd say first night i did about 0.4g then the next night 0.6 and the next night i was drunk before hand and accidentally spilled my bag in my glass and decided to just put the remainder in which would be 1g.

anyway this was obviously way too much and i had a horrible night and for the rest of the holiday i said thats enough. I'm back home now and its been 5 days and i don't feel right at all. i feel that my intellect is completely dampened and i can't think on the level i once did. I also get no pleasure from an orgasm at all although i did experience a little last night.

i'm just asking is this reversible fully or is there always going to be some lasting effects

Moving into the recovery thread. Have a read of the stories and info in here and if you want further advice just ask, there are people on here that have experience with this kind of thing. In any case what you describe all sound like normal after-effects following MDMA abuse. They are not permanent, they will start to fade soon. But any drug with powerful effects is going to have powerfull side- and/or after-effects when misused or abused. These are the repercussions and they're your body telling you that you went too far. Eat healthy, stay away from any and all drugs, exercise daily and intensely (works wonders) and generally lead a healthy life and you'll notice the symptoms start to fade away soon. There is nothing you describe I haven't heard before so it's normal, a billion people before you went through this and came out fine, you will too

 

[fraggy muffin]

right o, thanks for the advise and input bluebull

 

[BlueBull]

So I decided to do some backtracking through posts which I missed reading due to being busy with work, family, errands and so forth, and I'm glad I chose to do so because, well, for example:



In my humble opinion, this is so profoundly worded, and golly gee, it's damn true to boot!

...

In any case, I wish you all nothing less than a full recovery. And I'd also like to stress that you are not weak or bad people who automatically owe an Alcohol-loving, Caffeine-dependent, Nicotine-fixed, dangerously overweight society a debt simply because you chose to consume a controlled substance. And don't let anyone tell you differently.

God bless and take care

This is a really good post, thank you

right o, thanks for the advise and input bluebull

Of course, that's what we're here for. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to ask. Good luck!

 

[mojodolo]

can any one tell me if taking htp 5 is good to bring me back to normal again to please or anything

 

[ShortTermExpert]

Sucks to see new guys popping up on this thread.

Gonna throw you guys some pointers, follow this advice to a speedy recovery:

1) DO NOT TAKE ANY MORE DRUGS: this should be self-evident, however, some people (me being one of them) decided to take things a little too far. I actually continued with MDMA well after the alarm bells should of been ringing. Because of that I paid a very heavy price for it. By other drugs, I include things like nicotine, caffeine and alcohol. And weed. Unless you're one of those weird people who have never felt a shred of anxiety on marijuana. From what I've gathered, me included, weed will make you feel far worse but that shits weird and has such different effects on different people.

2) SLEEP: you want 9 hours a night minimum. Prepare for hell if you decide to try with 6.

3) DO NOT OBSESS OVER YOUR SYMPTOMS: yes, I know there's weird physical things going on with your body right now. Been there, done that. Believe it or not, it's all in your head. The cure for these physical symptoms is not Dr Google so if you find yourself dwelling on it, focus on something else.

4) DEEP BREATHING: something you can do right now. It lowers your heart rate, reduces the force of the beats, calms you down, gives you something to focus on, oxygenates your blood. It's all good.

4) EXERCISE: one benefit of fucking yourself up on MDMA? You're going to become super fit. You should be exercising daily, with plenty of variety.

5) CBT AND MEDITATION: you ideally want to become acquainted with cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) which leads nicely into a meditation practice. Before my MDMA abuse started I was actually very skeptical of both practices. I can now safely say they have saved my life. I would of killed myself without them, no joke.

6) DIET/SUPPLEMENTS: I'd say the mental game is 90% more important but a good diet and vitamin/fish oil supplementation will make you feel better about yourself.

Some of you should probably prepare for a rough ride. But the ride does eventually end. Don't rush things and bare in mind you're probably going to have some bad days. Just try not to let your mood run your life too much. Fake it until you make it.

 

[jusjenn21]

A bad thought running thru my head. i suffer from alot of anxiety. And idk i keep thinking im a drug addict. this ltc started 1 yr and 1 month ago. Idk anxiety making me feel like im a drug addict/cravings/jus feel like going crazy! I been clean since the ltc. i asked my therapist and she said its the anxiety playing tricks. Wonder what ya think!? Ill never take drugs again but sometimes i have those thoughts. what gives!

 

[Up_Down]

A bad thought running thru my head. i suffer from alot of anxiety. And idk i keep thinking im a drug addict. this ltc started 1 yr and 1 month ago. Idk anxiety making me feel like im a drug addict/cravings/jus feel like going crazy! I been clean since the ltc. i asked my therapist and she said its the anxiety playing tricks. Wonder what ya think!? Ill never take drugs again but sometimes i have those thoughts. what gives!

Anxiety will make weird shit like that pop in your head, just try no to dwell on those thoughts.

 

[ro4eva]

A bad thought running thru my head. i suffer from alot of anxiety. And idk i keep thinking im a drug addict. this ltc started 1 yr and 1 month ago. Idk anxiety making me feel like im a drug addict/cravings/jus feel like going crazy! I been clean since the ltc. i asked my therapist and she said its the anxiety playing tricks. Wonder what ya think!? Ill never take drugs again but sometimes i have those thoughts. what gives!

I'm sorry if I keep asking, but are you currently on any Rx meds?

Regardless of whether you are or not, it might help to try listening to some 'Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response' videos on YouTube (preferably with a good quality pair of headphones) while lying down on your bed and also performing some deep breathing exercises. It may help your anxiety levels go down, and it may also promote sleep.

Be that as it may, severe and/or chronic anxiety (especially that which repeatedly leads to panic attacks) should (in my opinion at least) be considered a serious medical issue warranting a visit to your family physician, if not the closest ER. And a short term course of Ativan (Lorazepam), Xanax (Alprazolalm) or another suitable Benzodiazepine should offer some very quick relief (usually within an hour of ingesting a dose), and also reduce the incidence of any intrusive thoughts as well as allow you to get some sleep.

Sadly, telling a doctor that your symptoms began after you consumed a 'street drug' will typically still (in this day and age) result in him or her viewing/treating you as a high risk habitual drug abuser (when in fact only about ~1.5% of the global population actually meets this criteria). So the saying which states that "the truth shall set you free" in this case will probably do the exact opposite. And as a consequence, you'll probably be given a prescription for an SSRI (e.g. Zoloft) + Neuroleptic (e.g. Seroquel).

During this time, you should try to avoid any stimulants (including Caffeine) and also any Alcohol, as resorting to booze to reduce anxiety levels just tends to make it worse because of the very short half-life, and you don't want to be drinking every hour of each day to maintain a consistent blood-alcohol level (puts a huge amount of stress on vital organs and especially the liver).

 

[Strangestuff]

@ro4eva

Eh I dont think all drs will look at you like a drug abuser from taking 1 pill. Especially not a psychiatrist.

However, if you do choose to see an endocrinologist, it might be best to withold the drug stuff and just explain your symptoms. Most of the endos all around the world are terrible though so for hormone stuff I recommend anti-aging specialists.

Also, from what ive read, SSRIs are effective only if you are able to produce dopamine properly otherwise they can be bad. Thats what makes me wonder if people have tested their vitamin/mineral statuses on here before blaming meds.

I know short term expert thinks its 90% mental but I doubt its that much. You have to have some sort of physical predispositions to not recover from this stuff to not recover from a one time use of MDMA. This has absolutely nothing to do with brain damage though--1 time use damaging the brain is a pathetic theory.

Ex) so many people are deficient in vit D (the range of vit D itself is ridiculous--optimal is like 60). So lets say you have like 30 vit D after MDMA that itself predisposes you to the LTC.

Ton of people are zinc or magnesium deficient too--another "hit" in terms of getting an LTC.

Cause think about it- your body is designed to recover quickly from MDMA otherwise. even if you think "you damaged your brain" after using it, in a week or two you are still supposed to recover assuming you used a reasonable amount. so the reason people dont recover from it is that their body isnt able to, then you get mentally anxious, then you throw yourself out of homeostasis even more, etc etc. And then the "mental" part effectively comes into play.

 

[ro4eva]

@ro4eva

Eh I dont think all drs will look at you like a drug abuser from taking 1 pill. Especially not a psychiatrist.

However, if you do choose to see an endocrinologist, it might be best to withold the drug stuff and just explain your symptoms. Most of the endos all around the world are terrible though so for hormone stuff I recommend anti-aging specialists.

Also, from what ive read, SSRIs are effective only if you are able to produce dopamine properly otherwise they can be bad. Thats what makes me wonder if people have tested their vitamin/mineral statuses on here before blaming meds.

For example--Like if your iron/ferritin is low--then you are already making less dopamine.

And rather than psych drugs im sure so many ppl on here

I openly acknowledge that it can and will differ wildly from doctor to doctor, however, when I was dealing with 'LTC' symptoms and finally (after about 6 months of no improvement) decided to see my first psychiatrist out of desperation, I figured that I would completely open up about my past drug use because I had reasoned that we'd have a better doctor-patient relationship as a result. In the end, nothing could be further from the truth.

At first, when he came to visit me, we quickly went over my symptoms (and medical chart) and he said he'd be back in an hour or two, and he ordered the nurse to give me some Ativan (Lorazepam) while I waited for his return. Finally, when he came back the second time to talk to me in more detail, he began by saying that it looks like I'll probably need to be put on a Benzodiazepine or Z-drug, and his body language was of a seemingly down to earth, friendly individual.

Unfortunately, as soon as I began explaining to him in detail that this 'LTC' nightmare began after a night in which I decided to ingest one and a half ecstasy pills instead of getting hammered, he tensed up and promptly began loudly patronizing me in front of two nurses and near a few patients waiting around the corner as if I had done something malicious and felonious in nature. And his preaching-resembling rant loudly went on and on for about 5 minutes at least. And at the end, he ripped up a prescription he had written me for Ativan (Lorazepam), discarded it, and proceeded to write another one which had on it Effexor XR (Venlafaxine) 75mg OD + Seroquel (Quetiapine) 25mg BID.

Now I totally admit that my decision to consume clandestinely synthesized, unregulated, adulterated, impure mind altering substances was very reckless. And I consider myself lucky that I'm still alive to be honest. But the truth is that, by doing such things, I never did so with the intention to either harm myself, or someone else (directly or indirectly). And by choosing to basically humiliate me in front of others the way that fucking quack of a psychiatrist did, if anything, all he managed to accomplish was to further distance myself from seeking medical attention again, and possibly also to consume even more 'street drugs.'

I am not shitting you - it was as if the guy had two very different personalities, and I triggered the other one by trying to be honest about myself. And nothing good came out of it. And so, this is why I'm now warning others in a similar situation as me to tread carefully regarding the dissemination of past and/or present 'street drug' usage to any physician regardless of his or her expertise or branch of medicine which (s)he practices (including psychiatrists, I'm sorry to say).

Then again, maybe I just had some really bad luck, and ended up with a fiercely pro-drug war / prohibitionist quack, but considering my aforementioned experience, I'd rather be safe than sorry instead of taking another chance like that and hoping for the best.

P.S. - I'm sorry. I know I tend to overdo it with respect to the length of my comments. Thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote - much obliged sir

 

[nightElf]

... he tensed up and promptly began loudly patronizing me in front of two nurses and near a few patients waiting around the corner as if I had done something malicious and felonious in nature. And his preaching-resembling rant loudly went on and on for about 5 minutes at least.

This "doctor" is an asshole. It's simple as that. My neurologist heard my entire story, and she never, ever, judged me. So did my psychoanalyst, and she did not judge me either. I don't consider myself a drug addict (I've got lots of left over pills, and I don't have the urge to use them), and it was a wreckless things to do, but I've learned my lesson.

Don't think that all the doctors are the same. This one was an asshole, and if you need to visit another to get another opinion, do it. You have every right. You have to be confortable with your doctor, they must understand you.

 

[ZaWarudo]

Hey everyone,

I've been reading through this thread and found a lot of you have a similar experience to mine and it helped me a lot, but I still want to share my experience. I'm 24 by the way.

About a month ago (June 17) I took a XTC pill for the second time in my life together with my girlfriend at my girlfriend's appartment, it was fun, but after a while the effect started fading for my girlfriend and she took another pill, I decided to join in and also took another XTC pill. This was a mistake. At first there didn't seem to be any problems, well I was hallucinating and was much, much higher than the previous time I took a pill (which was a few months back).

The next day it looked like I was fine, I could still feel the effects of XTC throughout the day, but nothing worrisome. The day after that started of okay, but during the night I suddenly got very nervous and anxious and flashes of my girlfriend being dead and many other negative thoughts went through my head, I started to panic, cried and obviously had a panic attack, after that I went for a walk outside and went back to sleep feeling a bit better.

The days after that were horrible, I had panic attacks, felt nervous, I didn't feel like myself, couldn't eat at all, was worried about permanent damage to my brain, my head felt numb and it was tingling or pulsating or something and I had the feeling I could hurt myself or someone else at any given time, it felt like I had to stop myself from hurting myself. I was really depressed and I spent a lot of time in bed to sleep the negative feelings away. I did a lot of research by Googling similar experiences, but this obviously made things worse, reading messages of people on forums that were or are in the same boat as me and people telling them that it had permanent effects or that they triggered anxiety, I freaked out. But I had great support of a friend experienced with drug use and it's effects through WhatsApp. If I didn't had this guy to talk to, everything would've been much worse.

It's also worth noting that my girlfriend was completely fine, despite taking the same amount.

After 4 or 5 days of this hell (which felt like an eternity) I was feeling better again, I still had a tingling/pulsating feeling in my head/brain, but I did feel better, it looked like I was more like my usual self again. So, I went home (I was at my girlfriend's house during that time) and after a week or so I felt like everything was fine again. I ate better, I worked out a bit, I had fun with friends, I did schoolwork. I kind of forgot about the whole event.

Until last night. The last few days I started to feel the nervousness coming back, I was worrying about silly things. But last night I decided that I didn't have anything to worry about, there's nothing wrong with me or my life. But I still felt nervous and anxious and the tingling/pulsating feeling in my head returned, so then I remembered all the things I read last month on various websites during the hellish experience and decided to do some more research on Google, that's when I found this thread and forum and other threads on other forums and some Yahoo Answers stuff. A lot of people seem to have the same problem as me, but most people seem to have it a lot worse , but I'm worried it will get worse for me too. I decided to talk to my mom about these symptoms (not the fact that I used XTC, no way, not now anyway) and found out that she actually experiences the same symptoms right now (nervousness, depersonalization, tingling/pulsating head). This surprised me and I don't really know what this could mean. But I'm mostly worried now the symptoms and the anxiety will worsen. Writing and sharing this actually felt great and I recommend everyone to share their experiences. Thanks for reading.

Edit: The anxiety appears to come in waves. I was at a restaurant tonight and I suddenly felt very nervous and depressed, but about a half an hour later I felt happy again.

 

[taxflax]

How do you cope with stress? I get a bit lost and don't know when exposed to stress and am wondering if someone here has the same experiences?

 

[Deltronpedro]

Hey everyone,

.....

Hey dude,
don't worry. You are going through a little setback. Try to focus on things you did allready to get better. Try not to think too much about it, you will make yourself anxious/depressed by obsessing these thoughts. You have no brain damage, trust me. It's just a small episode of drug induced anxiety and you will eventually get rid of. And it's pretty uncommon to develope symptoms after you "recovered" allready.
"(nervousness, depersonalization, tingling/pulsating head)" These are symptoms of an overstressed mind. People get it because of completely different reasons. The pills you took triggered your mind to run on overdrive. Now it calmed it self down and you felt better, these bumps on the road you are experiencing are totally common. Try not to overstress your mind again, by thinking you have done irreversible damage
"The anxiety appears to come in waves"
Absolutely, yes.
But it get's better and better with time. Just try to calm your mind down. Identify negative thoughts. Try to think positive. Imagine things wich always were fun for you or activities you are looking forward to. So when the anxiety comes you are prepared and easily can cast it off.

 

[ZaWarudo]

Hey dude,
don't worry. You are going through a little setback. Try to focus on things you did allready to get better. Try not to think too much about it, you will make yourself anxious/depressed by obsessing these thoughts. You have no brain damage, trust me. It's just a small episode of drug induced anxiety and you will eventually get rid of. And it's pretty uncommon to develope symptoms after you "recovered" allready.
"(nervousness, depersonalization, tingling/pulsating head)" These are symptoms of an overstressed mind. People get it because of completely different reasons. The pills you took triggered your mind to run on overdrive. Now it calmed it self down and you felt better, these bumps on the road you are experiencing are totally common. Try not to overstress your mind again, by thinking you have done irreversible damage
"The anxiety appears to come in waves"
Absolutely, yes.
But it get's better and better with time. Just try to calm your mind down. Identify negative thoughts. Try to think positive. Imagine things wich always were fun for you or activities you are looking forward to. So when the anxiety comes you are prepared and easily can cast it off.

Hey, thanks for the reply and the advice.

I think you're right, I already seem to feel a bit better today, I felt uneasy throughout the day, but not really anxious. But it is still strange for me that I suddenly felt these negative effects a month after I took the pills and after a period of time where I felt like there was nothing wrong with me anymore.

I'll see how it goes the upcoming days/weeks and I'll probably keep updating.

I realize there are probably people on here that have it way more difficult than me, so I wish you guys all the luck and a speedy recovery.

 

[Strangestuff]

Hey, thanks for the reply and the advice.

I think you're right, I already seem to feel a bit better today, I felt uneasy throughout the day, but not really anxious. But it is still strange for me that I suddenly felt these negative effects a month after I took the pills and after a period of time where I felt like there was nothing wrong with me anymore.

I'll see how it goes the upcoming days/weeks and I'll probably keep updating.

I realize there are probably people on here that have it way more difficult than me, so I wish you guys all the luck and a speedy recovery.

Nah its not strange at all. Its good that your symptoms are not severe.

Not to scare you at all but its more likely just mild HPA stuff going on aka "adrenal fatigue". Thats basically means your body is out of homeostasis and your hormones are probably off. So thats why you feel "normal" sometimes. But see a doctor about it to get it cleared up

If I knew as much as I did back when I got this 1 month later then I would not have stressed and made a quick recovery.

I suggest looking into some supplementation like Magnesium (citrate or glycinate, not oxide), adaptogens, vit D, vit C, zinc/copper, b complex/B12, exercise, good diet, and proper sleep. My guess is that you can recover quickly since it just started for you and its mild.

 

[ro4eva]

This "doctor" is an asshole. It's simple as that.

Yeah, totally.

I don't know if it's true, but I heard he had his license revoked soon after.

My neurologist heard my entire story, and she never, ever, judged me. So did my psychoanalyst, and she did not judge me either.

That's great that they didn't judge you - it sounds like they are pleasant individuals.

I don't consider myself a drug addict (I've got lots of left over pills, and I don't have the urge to use them), and it was a wreckless things to do, but I've learned my lesson.

Nor should you ever consider yourself an addict, as you don't even come close to meeting the criteria written in the latest revision of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or DSM), which, is (and has long been) used by the American Psychiatric Association, as well as its Canadian, U.K., and Australian (and other western nation) counterparts as a reference guide to Addiction Medicine (and much more).

Edit - The 'asshole doctor' that I mentioned in my previous post believed that, for example, trying MDMA once means the user is an addict. Reminds me of Nancy Reagen's 'Just Say No' bullshit.

Don't think that all the doctors are the same. This one was an asshole, and if you need to visit another to get another opinion, do it. You have every right. You have to be confortable with your doctor, they must understand you.

Thankfully, my most recent psychiatrist is so non-judgmental and understanding that I feel truly blessed to have found (and been accepted by) him.

 

[ShortTermExpert]

Hey everyone,

I've been reading through this thread and found a lot of you have a similar experience to mine and it helped me a lot, but I still want to share my experience. I'm 24 by the way.

About a month ago (June 17) I took a XTC pill for the second time in my life together with my girlfriend at my girlfriend's appartment, it was fun, but after a while the effect started fading for my girlfriend and she took another pill, I decided to join in and also took another XTC pill. This was a mistake. At first there didn't seem to be any problems, well I was hallucinating and was much, much higher than the previous time I took a pill (which was a few months back).

The next day it looked like I was fine, I could still feel the effects of XTC throughout the day, but nothing worrisome. The day after that started of okay, but during the night I suddenly got very nervous and anxious and flashes of my girlfriend being dead and many other negative thoughts went through my head, I started to panic, cried and obviously had a panic attack, after that I went for a walk outside and went back to sleep feeling a bit better.

The days after that were horrible, I had panic attacks, felt nervous, I didn't feel like myself, couldn't eat at all, was worried about permanent damage to my brain, my head felt numb and it was tingling or pulsating or something and I had the feeling I could hurt myself or someone else at any given time, it felt like I had to stop myself from hurting myself. I was really depressed and I spent a lot of time in bed to sleep the negative feelings away. I did a lot of research by Googling similar experiences, but this obviously made things worse, reading messages of people on forums that were or are in the same boat as me and people telling them that it had permanent effects or that they triggered anxiety, I freaked out. But I had great support of a friend experienced with drug use and it's effects through WhatsApp. If I didn't had this guy to talk to, everything would've been much worse.

It's also worth noting that my girlfriend was completely fine, despite taking the same amount.

After 4 or 5 days of this hell (which felt like an eternity) I was feeling better again, I still had a tingling/pulsating feeling in my head/brain, but I did feel better, it looked like I was more like my usual self again. So, I went home (I was at my girlfriend's house during that time) and after a week or so I felt like everything was fine again. I ate better, I worked out a bit, I had fun with friends, I did schoolwork. I kind of forgot about the whole event.

Until last night. The last few days I started to feel the nervousness coming back, I was worrying about silly things. But last night I decided that I didn't have anything to worry about, there's nothing wrong with me or my life. But I still felt nervous and anxious and the tingling/pulsating feeling in my head returned, so then I remembered all the things I read last month on various websites during the hellish experience and decided to do some more research on Google, that's when I found this thread and forum and other threads on other forums and some Yahoo Answers stuff. A lot of people seem to have the same problem as me, but most people seem to have it a lot worse , but I'm worried it will get worse for me too. I decided to talk to my mom about these symptoms (not the fact that I used XTC, no way, not now anyway) and found out that she actually experiences the same symptoms right now (nervousness, depersonalization, tingling/pulsating head). This surprised me and I don't really know what this could mean. But I'm mostly worried now the symptoms and the anxiety will worsen. Writing and sharing this actually felt great and I recommend everyone to share their experiences. Thanks for reading.

Edit: The anxiety appears to come in waves. I was at a restaurant tonight and I suddenly felt very nervous and depressed, but about a half an hour later I felt happy again.

You sound a lot like me my friend. My anxiety, although much reduced compared to a few months ago, comes in waves like yours. I also get a pulsating sensation, not just in my head, but my fingers, feet, various places.

Since I've been practicing mindfulness I've realised that it is controlled by external triggers and thoughts. Although it seems to be random and uncontrollable, when you look deeper there is always a thought that sets it off. It's almost like your mind goes "oh?", and then you'll feel something weird, then your mind will go "oh?" again, and you'll start to feel uncomfortable and you'll think too much about it and next thing you know you feel shit.

The best advice I can give is to study yourself. What are you doing when the anxiety hits? Where are you? Are you alone? What is on your mind? What are you doing? What can you see? Is this moment significant in some way? These are all questions you need to ask yourself.

Turn the anxiety into an interesting experience. Ask yourself calmly "why am I anxious right now?".

I have reached the point now when I can make myself anxious on purpose, and roll back anxiety when I know it's coming. Although it's not something I've 100% mastered yet admittedly, I feel far more in control then 6 months ago when suicide was often on my mind. Feels good man, almost like I'm learning to be a zen master or something.

There's no reason why any negative experience cannot be made into a positive one. Think about it. Without World War 2 we would not have the concept of human rights, the UN, or a borderless Europe. So if humanity can make something good come of the most destructive conflict in human history, I'm pretty sure anyone who's taken drugs can get something positive out of it.

All the best bro.