Psychosis is purely psychological. You are just one of the few smart ones that realizes this.
Hmmmm.... 'smart' is not the word normally used by my GP. but what does he know?
QUOTE]If you are sleep deprived for days and days you will start to see some crazy shit, but if you keep a positive mindset, then these things they call hallucinations are actually awesome to witness. I've seen actual three dimensional entities appear that seem from other dimensions or universes. I've seen things like fairies having sex in full color on my walls and all kinds of cool stuff. Problem is our society is so based out of fear that when it first happens to most people, they get scared and it becomes a really terrifying experience. That happened to me first time it happened, ended up in the psyche ward because I thought a SWAT team was outside the hostel and were setting up snipers to kill me, because I had a briefcase and my friend said it looked sketchy and you start to make false associations in that paranoid state, so I thought they thought I had a bomb in there and I started screaming and crying.
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Fascinating stuff... you have me thinking too. As far as I know, no amount of speed, of any type, has ever led to me hallucinating or panicking. I think this is because there is something rather unusual about my mind or brain chemistry, or both. It appears to be the rresult of a fairly severe head injury I suffered when 19, in 1977, smashed my head open, split almost ear to ear across the scalp, requiring 8 stitches. Was then sent home with a bottle of asprin, and told to rest - x-rayed but no NMI or stuff back then. I was never the same again, a series of severe headaches followed, then sleep disturbace and ghastly panic attacks. Became very, very depressed and weary, failed Uni exams then lost job after job, but all I remeber (apart from feeling v depreesed and exhausted) was thinking... "I can't THINK clearly!", with irritation.There remains to this day an approx 10 cm depression in my skull above the right frontal lobe.
The most odd symptom, which seems to dismay, flummox and even frighten almost every GP, neurologist and shrink I have ever seen is the fact that I am almost immune to amphetamines, and the only 'cure' for my depression is at least 200 mg of Dexedrine a day, every day... for a good twenty plus years, prescribed 14, and 'procured' for over 10 yrs on and off.
I am almost completely immune and unresponsive to Ritalin, MAOI's do very little, yet the medical establishment seems confused and often intimidated by this, I suspect because they have no 'pigeon hole' for my condition.
INview of what you say later, you might find this amusing... whenever meeting a new medico, they always, inevitably ask 'if I hear voices in my head?' and look astonished when I (quite honestly) say "No... I don't have, and never have suffered from Paranoid Schitzophrenia, if that's what you are wondering..." Things then seem to get awkward, and I am usually shooed away ASAP when they realise I am telling the truth, and my logic and reason are unimpaired
The 'full and complete truth' is that I do 'hear' voices, almost routinely, as I am a psychic medium. AS you are no doubt aware, these are not sonic, audible 'voices' and I don't HEAR them with my ears, but with (or in?) my mind. Since medical science does not generally recognise this phenomena, I always consider it wise not to confuse the issue, or make any attempt to explain or convince tham... hem hem!
Anyway the people in the hostel weren't moving or anything, till someone tried to calm me down, but this only made me think they were on the phone with the swat team and made it worse. I eventually passed out and time slowed down so like 7 minutes felt like 2 hours. Crazy shit.
Why does a cold shudder go down my spine at seeing the expession "calm me down...", especially when preceded by "tried to..."
I hesitate to suggest that I take some cruel pleasure in exasperating, infuriating and flabberghasting members of the Psychiatric profession (in particular), or an almost indecent joy at humiliating, outwitting and confounding them, by shaking their faith in the hallowed principles of their deeply revered, but fatally flawed, utterly inflexible vocation.... or tweaking out a few vital unpins, which support the foundations. You might think that such highly qualified, notoriously arrogant and patronising professionals would relish 'a challenge', but it seems the opposite is true in practice invariably if obliged to play on a level playing field, anyway.
Most people would never touch speed again, but I did, and the next time it happened it wasn't as bad. Eventually I conquered my fear and then I started seeing these beautiful, amazing, spiritual things when this happened, which I truly believe is me seeing into heaven or other universes, not hallucinations at all, the drug just changes your frequency to allow it, but most are scared and turn away.
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A most interesting and unusal theory, which I have often speculated about. It is a rare pleasure to meet someone who has a truly open, adventurous and agile mind, something I aspire to have (keep?) myself, though fraught with difficulties and problems, since I am a scientist at heart, by nature and training, which can interfere or obstruct the kind of multi-dimensional avenues of thought I wish to investigate and explore. I admire your courage, since what you have experienced and undergone sounds very daunting to face again... good for you!
I am naturally rather fascinated by hallucinations, and being clairvoyant has proved to be a two-edged sword. When it comes down to it, I have a tendency to overly analyse such things, rather than take pleasure in merely enjoying or delighting in them. I have no doubt such things are 'real', and actually DO exist, even if just some marvellous electro-chemical phenomena in my brain. I am an artist, with a love of mythology and fantastic creatures... oddly enough, I'm half way through a rather psychedelic picture of a faery, which I began yesterday! I'm therefore quite satisfied and 'at ease' with my imagination, and am very grateful for it, one of my 'best assets' I suppose.
The kind of hallucinations you describe tough fill me with dread... I like to always be in control, and have a very strong phobia about being locked away, be it in prison or (worse to me!) in some Loony Bin, at the mercy of a load of Shrinks and Men in White Coats... shudder!
I know in our day of science it is hard to make claims about the spirit world, but if every ancient culture who used drugs talks about this, why the fuck is it crazy? Where do you people think these scientists learn these new discoveries from, hm? Just random guesses? No man, if you tune in, you can gain knowledge about anything and you WILL start believing in God. Not like a Christian God, but a universal energy love being to which we are all part of it.
:DI like your ideas about 'God', very much in tune with mine! Whenever anyone asks if I "believe in God?", I have to ask in reply..."what do mean by 'God'?". I actually consider that is not an insolent question designed to obfusticate, evade or escape and honest answer, it actually IS the best, and only answer! To me, God is not some entity, being or definable intelligence, and certainly neither male nor female... being both and neither at the same time. God is a 'power' or 'force' if you like, perhaps like 'The Force' in Star Wars, which I call 'Love', though that's hardly adequate somehow. It bonds us all together, connected to and with the Laws of Nature (encompassing physics, chemistry and biology, intimately and fantastically coonected to, and interactive with each other, and the 'laws' which govern, control and allow (or disallow?) them to interact with the Universe and each other.... phew!
Something like that anyway... food for thought? And like those laws and rules, God is way, way too small, large, intricate, complicated, abstract and partly invisible and undetectable for mankind, with his tiny brain and brief Earthly existence to have any hope of understanding, or communicating with. That usually covers most of it I think, but if in doubt I add the final getout clause.... "whatever, God is not some naked, bearded old boy who sits on a cloud, arranging disasters and waiting for us to call...."
It is no coincidence virtually every great mind, even skeptics like Nietzche, alude to this. Heck, Nikola Tesla said we are all one, and where the fuck did he get the idea to master electricity?
Although Isaac Newton was outwardly rather traditional, and dutifully went to Church ever week, claiming to be a devout Protestant, in private and in truth, he was rather different. He was certainly 'religious', and fascinated by the subject, but also very pragmatic, intelligent and sensible enough to not offend the Church, as I think you could be imprisoned back then for failing to attend services regularly. The sort of opinions and thoughts we have both mentioned here could well have led to jail for life, after having our ears chopped off.... or worse.
I mentioned him, since I reckon he had one of the most brilliant, open and far-sighted minds in history, and has to be the most innovative inventor, discoverer and investigator of the last millenium. I like playing histoirical 'what-ifs?', and you have just inspired one I'd never considered before - what if Newton were to meet Shulgin (with appropriate equipment to had!). Sir Isaac was, according to secret correspondence and trusted colleagues, absolutely fascinated with spiritual matters and the limits of the mind... I like to think he might have made some fantastic discoveries in hitherto unexplored and hidden 'occult' directions....
Even if he didn't, Newton was a notoriously gloomy, solemn and humourless fellow. One collague who worked with him every day for decades, said he only ever saw him laugh once - when someone fell over and broke his arm! So, if nothing else, a taste of Mescaline and MDMA might have worked miracles alone?
As an 'exercise' for my own amusement, I once postulated what I would say to Sir Isaac were he able to visit and see this computer. I can imagine the Q's coming thick and fast, probably starting with how the movind paintings on the screen were produced and painted so quickly, and lit from behind... and how did the tiny scribe find food and water, and write backwards, whole pages at a time!? Would I start with basic electricity.... a bit tough, for someone who had only ever seen lightning and perhaps a static discharge? Okay... the picture isn't painted, it's made of tiny, carefully controlled lightning bolts. which glow different colours when they hit the tiny dots behind the glass... cue magnifying glass. Open the case, to show there is no printing press inside, dwarfs or midgets... perhaps, for amusement show him a real 'little bolt of lightning' from the EHT cap.... but maybe not, might need a tiresome explanation about the interchange of monitors...
A futile 'exercise' really, but perhaps good exercise for the mind in explaining strange, new ideas? Electronics is actually my 'trade' I suppose, and I was surprised to find that there were possible ways of using experimental equipment to explore one of the few phenomena that might be investigated and researched by amateurs in garden sheds... the realm of Spirit. I built a 'Spiricom' machine, using surplus amplifiers, home made noise generators, photo transistors and LEDS, fairly simple, but AFAIK completely revolutionary. A 'Radio For Talking To The Dead' sounds a bit ambitious I suppose... but people have been experimenting with such devices for a hundred years by now... and one who died decades ago, even came to help, which is a very dramatic claim, since it didn't work well enough to reliably record anything....but results were encouraging, things were happening within an hour - it took Bill twenty years apparently, and managed to silence the 'noise beam', though not modulate it. Alas, even though I kept v quiet about it, I was a bit over-enthusiatic and thrilled, and said too much to my GF while pissed and speeding... and the fear and terror it caused in the house mean I put it on hold.... then suffered a catastrophic 4 year depression, and forgot about it.... until now.... hmmmm! Sorry if I have rambled on again, but the defeat of depression thanks to meth is still fresh, and I'm not yet adjusted to the relief, excitement and delight of meeting stimulating, free thinking and inspiring people such as yourself yet... or learning how to concentrate and focus, this stuff is a bit different to DExedrine.
Once you overcome your fear, this shit gets beautiful.
Anyway, I'm truly stating mental illness is bullshit and "psychosis" or bi-polar, scizophrenia, whatever, are really people tapping into the spirit world who aren't ready to handle it. If they base out of love, they will find beautiful things, and you won't call them crazy, but brilliant.
I absolutely agree - had I gone into detail about 'my voices', I expect I'd be suffering a similar fate to Jeanne D'Arc, who was rather careless. The said 'fate' would not be burning however (far too expensive for the NHS nowadays, and not PC or 'eco friendly') - instead it would be what they call 'treatment', to silence said voices at all costs. Then, chained to a radiator and fuddled with Thorazine, I would be classed as 'cured', and set free in the hope I'd jump under a train and no longer be a nuisance....
Joking apart, I am very glad that I had the wisdom to shut up when I first 'heard voices', aged about ten, back in the sixties. They were different then, but crystal clear - often two or three at a time on top of each other. I never realised I was able to be a medium until my 40's, spent many years drowning everything out with alcohol, music and drugs, and only ever engaging in contact, which I assumed was some mental game I was playing with myself even though one identified himself openly, andactually provided secret information I had no idea about, and later proved spot on. It also showed me how to positively prove that one of his works was honest and accurate, ironically due to a mistake he'd made, which he couldn't have known about when alive, but did now... and thus revealed the entire plot, once and for all! I won't give his name, it sounds too much like a fantasy even to me, but I know what I heard and know what I know - and used with devastating effect about 15 years ago, to the great discomforture of the guilty parties loyal supporters... they of course don't know about my source, only know that I am right, and any further agument was pointless. If you haven't guessed, this was just about the most infamous and controversial crime of the last milennium and more, and it was with mixed feelings I watched the guilty party being buried with full honours only last year.
I almost scrubbed that, possibly the most extravagant claim anyone could think of, dream up, or manufacture. I may well write a book about it, to join the many already existing, since it not merely provides pretty solid proof of spiritualism, but the innocence of a rather marvellous man who has been badly maligned, and the spectacular guilt of one who has been falsely acclaimed as a hero, and almost a saint.... only fair?
So basically, you won't experience it because you have the power of mind not to. But if you want to experience it, you need to be sleep deprived.
I'm very pleased to report that I have seen many things, wonderful things... and experienced what Shulgin would class as a Plus Four ++++, at least twice. Just not under the influence of speed, or due to lack of sleep. One was my first experience of MDMA, a few years before my realisation of mediumship.... that was the truly 'ecstatic' moment I first experienced (discovered?) the notion of God as detailed above. The second was thanks to LSD, shortly before my 'Epihany', when I unexpectedly met and communicated with a Nature Spirit (as I prefer) of a god (as many have actively worshipped him for centuries would probably prefer).
These intense, psychedelically inspired experiences effectively 'paved the way', as did many others which helped open my mind, taught me to control and cope with the fear you speak of... and treat it as a thrilling, exciting and essential part of my 'development', just as much as every thrilling, joyous rush of profound energy and wonder. I realise that you can't fully appreciate the joy of pleasure without having felt pain, the wonder of light without the dread and fear of dark, or the wonder of divine love without the experience of evil, cruelty and horror.
The LSD incident above was truly profound, as for the first (and so far only) time, I sensed a feeling of tremendous power, a perfect combination of loving goodness and joy, as well as truly frightening evil in perfect balnce. Spine tingling and unfortunately hardly possible to truly describe in words... corny though it sounds, 'you had to be there' I suppose? And I have no irea what anyone else would have felt, if anything at all? It was purely spiritual I think?
Speed itself doesn't tap you into it alone, unless you take a shitload of it. You have to stay up for days till it happens.
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I'm afraid I am rather cowardly, lazy and somewhat careless, not just wanting to run before I can walk, but quite prepared to try and fly before I can crawl! All in all, I consider myself very lucky and even priviledged to have enjoyed so much pleasure at the cost of so relatively little fear and pain.
Sorry this post is so long and directionless in places, I just haven't met such an interesting, kindred spirit for a long time. Let me see... four and a half years of dismal, often suicidal depression, inactivity and basically pointless life to make up for... and me being me, I seem to be attempting to do that in a few weeks. It isn't so much impatience as annoyance at the wasted time and missed opportunities perhaps... more excuses!
Cheers, best wishes and love XXXXX
