☮ Social ☮ PD Social Thread: Engage the digital super banana

[Thorns Have Roses]

How is it in the future? It's Saturday in this hemisphere.

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

dogs this is awesome.
i am now no longer posting and wahtnot from a mobile device, so nice to have youtube and BL going
got Goldie's essential mix going-now that i've got as much storage space as i want, i need to download mad metalheadz shit,
anyway i put on that semi charmed life, it scared me when you said its about me
cause if it actually was, idk if i'd like their assessment of me ya know seen?
i think i've heard it before
i've heard slow motion and jumper before.
anyway
wheres the psychedelic massiv today?
no activity this morning
easy like sunday morning?

 

[vortech]

Psychedelic massive reporting in. Its precipitating ice pellets here. Stuck with my muse.

 

[xammy]

I hate sundays, I'm getting drunk

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

why do you hate sundays?

 

[Xorkoth]

Fucking great and weird Friday night/Saturday... I don't want to go into too much detail because I have been thinking about it way too much. But basically I went to a Papadosio show with this girl who's my friend who says she's interested in having a sexual/physical relationship. I should also mention she recently got diagnosed with Asperger's and she can be really bad at understanding how other people are feeling. So I got over there, and we hung out together, just had fun, she got dressed a bit in front of me and she was looking really fucking hot. We smoked a bowl and got pretty silly and started the adventure to go see the show (got a ride so we didn't have to drive). When we got there we ran into my band's guitar player, who is in a really rough place. He just got out of jail and when I saw him he looked utterly lost, it almost made me cry. She's met him before and they seem to have a pretty powerful energetic connection, and we've talked about him pretty extensively and she and I both feel like part of the reason we're in his life right now is to help guide him and keep him on the path so he can become the great musician he seems destined to be. And the guitar player in my band also has Asperger's and it's a big part of her comfort level with him and connection with him, they seem to be able to help each other feel comfortable in a really beautiful way.

So we ran into him and he was SO happy to see me, he gave me a hug for like 30 seconds and told me how glad he was to see someone who cares about him, with tears in his eyes. The three of us decided to take some acid, I took 2 hits and they each took 1 (or maybe he took 2 also, not sure). We had a great time, me and the guitar player (Adam) had a variety of really beautiful moments where we discussed music and the future and we really advanced our friendship. He told me I am a musical visionary and I will always be the keys player in the band no matter what. At some point the girl found a zen room upstairs because the show was SO crowded it was claustrophobic, and we convinced Adam to come up there. She sat him down next to an altar that was set up (like a meditation altar) and he started pouring out all his woes to her, very emotionally. They had some beautiful moments meditating together and his energy transformed from dull and desperate and sad to glowing and inspired and happy. We were both taking turns being there for him and then talking to each other about what to do next. The trip and the night basically changed from us hanging out together and going back to her place alone afterwards to us tripping with Adam and him coming back to her house with us. I wasn't 100% into that as I wanted some alone with with her but I really do appreciate her level of caring about him and wanting to help guide him, and I love Adam and it was more than worth it to me for us to continue this healing trip for him.

So, afterwards we went back to Adam's place for a bit. Once there some other friends were there too and I hung out with them, partied a bit... the girl was getting overwhelmed though (she gets overwhelmed socially very easily) and didn't really have any way to retreat, and didn't know most of the people there. So Adam went to her and they started meditating together. After a while they quietly went into his room and closed the door. I figured she just wanted it to be more quiet because loud music and yelling was happening, but one of my friends was like dude, you better get in there, that's fucked up. I didn't want to be weird and intrude (I mean the whole basis for this thing is that she and I are just friends and she wants no attachments... neither do I, I don't want to be attached to anyone romantically, I just want to be able to explore various kinds of connections with people... so I don't actually have any right to get up in her business like that), so his girlfriend peeked in and said yeah, they're just meditating. I went in after a minute because I felt kind of left out, and when I went in I was greeted and we sort of sat in a pile, all touching each other, talking, but she was laying fully on him, her back to his chest, and he was holding her. Meh, okay, the main reason this girl frustrates me is because she doesn't like to be touched a lot of the time, but Adam apparently can comfortably touch her. It started to make me feel a little jealous, I didn't want to, I didn't think I had a right to feel that way, but it's just how I felt. No big deal though. We all talked for a while and then she wanted to go back to her place and she wanted Adam to come with... I did too except I also didn't (I had been really looking forward to spending the night at her house tripping with her just the two of us), but ultimately it felt like we were all supposed to trip together that night, the 3 of us.

I called a cab and when it got there she asked Adam once more if he wanted to come. He hesitated, said sure but it's up to Eric. He looked at me like "dude just say no and I'll stay, I don't want to intrude". But it was too late, she would have known I told him not to come and that would have been weird. Plus I did want him to come, well half of me did. So he came. When we got there we had a couple of hours of amazing trip discussions, really mindblowing and beautiful stuff that I treasure. As the night went on, we started getting a little cuddly... one time she put her leg over mine, thigh to thigh... I tried to communicate energetically through that touch. I had a very nurturing and emotional physical sense... I seek comfort through physical touch, and love (of various kinds), and I have this feeling like she could really benefit from that, but it's like something holds her back from being able to be comfortable with it with me. Adam thinks I have waited too long to make a move but like, somehow there always ends up being other people around when we hang out and she has recoiled from my attempts a couple of times (including that night). Anyway she moved her leg off pretty shortly, I guess either she didn't get my communication or it made her uncomfortable. I noticed over the course of the night that she was getting more and more cuddly with Adam, until at some point I went to go pee and when I came back she was fully laying across him, and their arms were wrapped around each other, her face buried in his shoulder, and they were rubbing each other backs and shoulders. This set off a really intense feeling of jealousy in me, not because I didn't want her touch someone else but because I wanted that from her. I mean she was basically totally ignoring me at this point, I was laying by myself, cold, just wanting to get in on the snuggling with this girl who keeps telling me she wants to go there with me but just hasn't. And here she is going there with my good friend I introduced her to. And the last time we hung out with my friends (she and I), the same thing happened, she was making out with one of her friends and snuggling with my friends. I was tripping and feeling really intense at this point. The next hour was really, really rough, I was having a hard time dealing with my emotions but the LSD gave me this analytical, overarching realization that I had to deal with it myself and not externalize it and put it on her/him. I kept thinking they had started making out, and I am almost sure she wanted to, but he wasn't letting it go there. However they ended up falling asleep snuggled up together and I was cold on the floor. I thought about going home but honestly I couldn't stand the thought that they'd probably end up having sex if I did go home. Not the best reason for me to stay but it's how I felt and I had to deal with that.

Eventually I calmed myself and realized some things. I realized that I had no right to impose anything on her. I really shouldn't even be feeling jealous, yet I am, but I realized that's okay because it's just how I feel and I have to accept that, what wouldn't be okay is reacting to her in anger over it because she doesn't owe me anything. She IS being quite insensitive to me but I don't think she realizes (lack of understanding social cues and lack of being able to accurately model other peoples' minds, a trademark of Asperger's). I didn't sleep at all, just laid there, deep in thought.

The next morning me and her went out together into "magic land", without Adam, which is this 100 acres of wilderness in her back yard. We went to see a waterfall and a bunch of other cool stuff, it was a fun adventure and it felt better to have spent some time with just her. We talked about it a little, I told her that to be honest it made me feel pretty uncomfortable and shitty. She apologized for that but also said that she wants to explore this connection with Adam and have alone time with him, because she's never felt anything quite like it. She has told me a couple of times it's not a sexual attraction, but then she said that it's amazing when she finds someone who she feels comfortable being in physical contact with and she wants to explore it and "sometimes it could turn sexual", but that's not the goal. So basically I think she wants to have sex with my friend which just fucking bothers me, I can't help it, and it also bothers me she can't just say that to me, she has to make it sound like that;s not what she wants. I guess she can tell it bothers me and doesn't want to hurt me, but I'd feel better if she was just honest about it. It also bothers me that she's kind of being shady about it, like just tell me, don't tell me you're not attracted to him but it "could turn sexual", just say it, we're all adults. I realized that she is in my life now (and even 10 months ago when we met) to help me learn certain lessons about relationships and feelings of possessiveness over another person. It's always been her role in my life. I have no right to feel possessive over her, and I have realized that and also realized that honestly feeling possessive over someone is quite disrespectful of them, as you can't own someone. Jealousy is a poisonous feeling that only hurts you (and a relationship if you're in one and have jealousy).

I left and drove Adam home, and he and I talked about it. He apologized for making me feel uncomfortable, and he was just trying to help her and she was helping him, to find comfort. He said she did try to move it into the kissing/making out area but he didn't let it go there. I am totally at peace with him, he's a really good friend and wouldn't do something to disrespect me. But I had to be honest (this trip was all about honesty for me) and say that I had no right to dictate that he could or couldn't do anything with her because we're just friends. Adam told me he believes she does like me but that nothing has happened yet to make her feel that spark despite us talking about it multiple times... he says I am waiting too long to make a move. He says I should try to just make a move whenever we're alone and the time seems right, and then I'd know one way or another. I think it might just be friend zone with her, but the possibility of more nags at me so badly. I feel like I almost have an addiction towards this girl, I don't know why I keep wanting to try to go there with her, it seems like more trouble than it's worth. But something about her attracts me so hard, much harder than the cool girl I'm seeing that's going really well. It kind of feels sick sometimes but I can't help how I feel. I also really like being her friend, despite this weirdness she's a really cool girl and a good person and a really interesting spiritual person, and we have a good friend connection. I want to be her friend, and I hope that if I can just know for 100% sure that there's no chance of it progressing to physicalness, that I can drop all of this stuff and just be her friend and not get all worked up about this shit. But on the other hand, me dealing with these emotions is helping me to become a more mature and stronger person.

For the rest of the day I felt pretty good about it, at peace... I was still tripping lightly all day since I never slept. I talked to one of my friends about it for a while and it helped me get some perspective. But now today I'm kind of obsessing about it again, it's very unpleasant. I don't know why I have to be hung up on this girl, and I don't know whether having a purely friend-based sexual relationship with her is going to work for me even if it happened. I can't tell if I got jealous because someone else was snuggling with her/she's attracted to someone else sexually, or if it's just because it's my good friend I introduced her to that she went there with, or if it's simply because I wanted it too and it made me feel bad that I was being ignored while my friend was not. Is my trouble dealing with the situation because it's so up in the air and she keeps sending me massively mixed signals?

I'm at a crossroads with this... why do I like her so much that I can't just drop it? I've been seeing another girl (not my girlfriend, though I think she'd prefer if she was, but we've talked about me not wanting to be in a relationship right now) for 5 months and it's fucking awesome, there was been literally NOTHING negative, she's super into me, likes to have sex a LOT, she's warm, loving, and we have a really intense and beautiful physical connection. She's supportive, I'm supportive of her, we've actually been through a good amount together and keep feeling closer to each other. She's not quite as hot, well her body is just about the same level of hotness but the total package of this other girl (the one this story was about) is significantly more attractive to me. Not only physically but also mentally, she stimulates me way more and is way more interesting to hang out with. But like, I REALLY have this feeling like if me and this girl explore a physical relationship that it could be a beautiful thing for her and me... she really clearly wants a man to show her tenderness and love through physical means, as she has a problem with that but really wants it, and I know that I could do that because that's part of who I am. I think it would be great. But I don't know if it'll happen and I don't honestly know if I would be able to handle it given my reactions to this other stuff. I mean like I said, maybe if I wasn't just feeling a bit like I was being dragged along with the prospect, but was actually being fulfilled, I would be at peace with her also having that with other people. I mean I have that with another person too. Or maybe it would still make me feel jealous. Maybe I should just stop hanging out with her because she frequently causes me distress because of this, or maybe I am supposed to be feeling this distress so I can learn and grow from it. Like I said she's a good friend, we've been friends for almost a year and I like being her friend, but it might be hard to be her friend and feel at peace, even if I do give up on our friendship going to the next level. I'm unlikely to just magiucally stop liking her. One thing I know is she keeps throwing me off... I'll be happy and content and then I'll hang out with her and come away from it feeling very unbalanced for a little while. I'm torn between knowing whether I am just foolishly putting myself into a painful situation, or if I am supposed to be doing this so I can learn and grow. Last night during the trip I was 100% positive that I am supposed to be learning and growing from it (in fact I have already on a couple of occasions), but today I feel less sure. I can't help but have jealous thoughts. I don't want to, and this may be an opportunity to learn how to not have those feelings. Or else I'm just torturing myself.

I left out a lot of details because I didn't care to rehash the whole thing right now, I may write a trip report about it though as it was a pretty important trip in many ways. The trip was beautiful, important and full of love, it was just the end that was difficult but from that difficulty came learning and so it, too, was beautiful.

That sure became a long post, I didn't expect it to get so long.

 

[xammy]

why do you hate sundays?

No idea, it doesn't even have to do anything with monday and next week. I dont have anything tomorrow or tuesday but Sundays just suck, its just so quiet, nobodys doing anything.

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

BAWSS
anyway
i did a good deed today
and i'm feeling a hankering for ketamine
i dont know why.
cause i really, dont even like ketamine
but i feel like getting some ketamien somehow, and making it happen
at night
the last time i did ketamine was in liek
2010? or early 2011
i was still in high school
did that shit twice
didn't especially care for it
and i did MXE a few times, thought it was like K but less fun
the one time i did way too much, and was freaking out a little bit in me head
like
"yo dog, i need to snort more, that didn't do shit"
like 5 lines later i was like
MANE DOG I AM TRASHED

 

[theacidtest]

So I'm debating on beating the living shit out of a friend of mine...

Last night right after I got off work a couple came in that my ex and I are friends with and I haven't seen them since before we broke up. So the guy (James) and I had a beer and went outside to smoke. I asked James if he knew what had happened as far as my ex and I breaking up. He tells me "Ya, Brandi told us that things weren't working out, so you mutually decided to end it so that she and Kevin can go out since they're a better match".

Now that's news to me. I told James, no it wasn't mutual, it was an extremely painful breakup. Also, Kevin is a friend of mine and I asked my ex and Kevin if they were seeing eachother and they both denied it at the time.

So on the one hand, I feel like I should beat Kevin within an inch of his life, just on general principle. On the other hand, I'm in a new relationship and am happier than I've been in years. So maybe I should just let it go. I'm not a particularly violent person, but when it comes down to a fight I can destroy the average person due to years of martial arts. I'm actually concerned that if I do kick his ass, I'll end up putting him in the hospital.

Decisions, decisions....

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

mane dog
get high
that will fix ti

 

[FlawedByDesign]

So I'm debating on beating the living shit out of a friend of mine...

Last night right after I got off work a couple came in that my ex and I are friends with and I haven't seen them since before we broke up. So the guy (James) and I had a beer and went outside to smoke. I asked James if he knew what had happened as far as my ex and I breaking up. He tells me "Ya, Brandi told us that things weren't working out, so you mutually decided to end it so that she and Kevin can go out since they're a better match".


Now that's news to me. I told James, no it wasn't mutual, it was an extremely painful breakup. Also, Kevin is a friend of mine and I asked my ex and Kevin if they were seeing eachother and they both denied it at the time.

So on the one hand, I feel like I should beat Kevin within an inch of his life, just on general principle. On the other hand, I'm in a new relationship and am happier than I've been in years. So maybe I should just let it go. I'm not a particularly violent person, but when it comes down to a fight I can destroy the average person due to years of martial arts. I'm actually concerned that if I do kick his ass, I'll end up putting him in the hospital.

Decisions, decisions....

Karma will sort it out. I have two friends in jail on manslauter chargers from where they hit a guy a few times over $80 and the dude had a heart attack running away from them. I'm not in the position to be giving lectures but life is fragile.

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

mane dog
sunday
what are you guys doing.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

Xorkoth, it saddens me to see you having jealousy issues with women, very similar to mine, even though your years older than I...

It reminds me of a moment I spent talking to my father over some beers, in which I asked him if his desires for other women ever really stopped since he has been faithfully married for over 25 years, and he told me "Nope" essentially...

Just last night I had a dream involving a girl whom I've essentially determined is the most beautiful girl in the world (I'll never find any girl more beautiful, I know this as fact...) and whom most definitely will never be interested in me (this issue goes back 8 years, we went to the same high school and I lived a block from her... now she goes to my fucking university too, 11 hours away from home!). My dream essentially entailed lots of big tough dudes constantly blocking my attempts to find her to ask her something (about another girl ironically...) which usually ensued in some sort of Jason Bourne-esque fight in which I'd be fighting off multiple dudes with objects around me, or I'd be being stiffed and misdirected by her girlfriends. Anyways, the intense jealousy I felt in that dream and my fights with those imaginary dudes really reminded me of your real life jealousy. I'm constantly worried (IRL) if this girl is seeing someone else, but clearly, she'll never see me, so I really fucking need to get over it...

In a similar fashion, I met a girl in one of my classes who's beauty is second only to the prior mentioned girl. In fact I can't remove this girl from my thoughts; the whole goal of my "mission" in finding the first girl in my dream last night was to get the contact info of the girl from my class... Even when I find I've stopped thinking about her for an hour or two, I find myself doing so again involuntarily in moments of pause or boredom... This girl seems like the most interesting girl I've ever met, she seems like she uses drugs (which is unheard of in hot women where I live) and she dresses sexier than any woman I've ever met and she holds herself in some way that just draws me to her... I thought she seemed interested in me, so I asked her out for coffee and haphazardly expressed my infatuation with her, to which she replied "I have a boyfriend." This set me off for about a week or two, me not knowing if she had a boyfriend (which would suck, but at least she wouldn't be lying) or if she was lying so as to not have to tell me "You're fuck ugly." It was miserable, and lead to my getting black-out drunk a couple times the past week or two...

Now, I've pretty much determined she does in fact have a boyfriend. I talked to her again last Thursday, and she was kind and understanding, and I asked if she wanted to study together for an exam we have this week, and she said yes. Now, I'm real excited to simply be in her presence outside class (I cannot fucking stop thinking of her!) and to at least try and cultivate a friendship with her because she seems so interesting; but I also learned from her that she knows like, 5 people I do (and I know VERY FEW PEOPLE HERE) and that they're a few people I don't really like/have cut me out of their lives for unknown reasons. It's a bit upsetting to think of her hanging out with people I've deemed inconsiderate douche-bags, not withstanding the fact that her boyfriend is likely equally dis-likable by me (I haven't met him, obviously I've just got issues). So now I'm feeling extreme jealousy, and getting caught up over a girl who will likely never be single in the time that I know her.

Worst of all, I'm caught up over this girl, when I've been seeing my girlfriend for 5+ years now... I plan to marry my girlfriend as no one else has ever been so compatible and loving towards me... and I do love her, with all of my being. Even so, I can't rid my mind of this girl who has a boyfriend. It's pure infatuation, but I feel like infatuation is almost a stronger emotion than love is. I've discussed my issues with my girlfriend because I believe in openness in our relationship, but all it means now is that she knows exactly what's bothering me when she sees my eyes drift off and become blank and morose... I'm fucking depressed. I want these obsessions with girls to end, but there seems to be none in sight, even with the passing of years of time.

I don't know what to do. It's one thing when a girl rejects you... it's another when she has a boyfriend and you never get to know whether it would have been good or not... whether she could love me or not... whether she was even attracted to me in the least. It's killing me inside, being so torn up day after day, night after night. I'm finding myself no longer seeking pot out for my DOC because it makes me too introspective and it lacks any euphoria these days... but instead, I'm now seeking out opiates, remembering that emotionally dulled, blissful state I got from my friend's hydro-syrup. My obsession over her is pervading my dreams, and I've been fairly incapable of doing any of my necessary school work these past weeks.

I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams, and there's absolutely nothing I, or anyone else, can do to help me keep it together, and get over this girl...

My heart goes out to any of you with women problems. They're the worst problems any human being can endure in my book.

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

my womerns
can be summed up with 2 people
either
sf
or kesha
das what i want

 

[pharmakos]

Fucking great and weird Friday night/Saturday... I don't want to go into too much detail because I have been thinking about it way too much. But basically I went to a Papadosio show with this girl who's my friend who says she's interested in having a sexual/physical relationship. I should also mention she recently got diagnosed with Asperger's and she can be really bad at understanding how other people are feeling. So I got over there, and we hung out together, just had fun, she got dressed a bit in front of me and she was looking really fucking hot. We smoked a bowl and got pretty silly and started the adventure to go see the show (got a ride so we didn't have to drive). When we got there we ran into my band's guitar player, who is in a really rough place. He just got out of jail and when I saw him he looked utterly lost, it almost made me cry. She's met him before and they seem to have a pretty powerful energetic connection, and we've talked about him pretty extensively and she and I both feel like part of the reason we're in his life right now is to help guide him and keep him on the path so he can become the great musician he seems destined to be. And the guitar player in my band also has Asperger's and it's a big part of her comfort level with him and connection with him, they seem to be able to help each other feel comfortable in a really beautiful way.

So we ran into him and he was SO happy to see me, he gave me a hug for like 30 seconds and told me how glad he was to see someone who cares about him, with tears in his eyes. The three of us decided to take some acid, I took 2 hits and they each took 1 (or maybe he took 2 also, not sure). We had a great time, me and the guitar player (Adam) had a variety of really beautiful moments where we discussed music and the future and we really advanced our friendship. He told me I am a musical visionary and I will always be the keys player in the band no matter what. At some point the girl found a zen room upstairs because the show was SO crowded it was claustrophobic, and we convinced Adam to come up there. She sat him down next to an altar that was set up (like a meditation altar) and he started pouring out all his woes to her, very emotionally. They had some beautiful moments meditating together and his energy transformed from dull and desperate and sad to glowing and inspired and happy. We were both taking turns being there for him and then talking to each other about what to do next. The trip and the night basically changed from us hanging out together and going back to her place alone afterwards to us tripping with Adam and him coming back to her house with us. I wasn't 100% into that as I wanted some alone with with her but I really do appreciate her level of caring about him and wanting to help guide him, and I love Adam and it was more than worth it to me for us to continue this healing trip for him.

So, afterwards we went back to Adam's place for a bit. Once there some other friends were there too and I hung out with them, partied a bit... the girl was getting overwhelmed though (she gets overwhelmed socially very easily) and didn't really have any way to retreat, and didn't know most of the people there. So Adam went to her and they started meditating together. After a while they quietly went into his room and closed the door. I figured she just wanted it to be more quiet because loud music and yelling was happening, but one of my friends was like dude, you better get in there, that's fucked up. I didn't want to be weird and intrude (I mean the whole basis for this thing is that she and I are just friends and she wants no attachments... neither do I, I don't want to be attached to anyone romantically, I just want to be able to explore various kinds of connections with people... so I don't actually have any right to get up in her business like that), so his girlfriend peeked in and said yeah, they're just meditating. I went in after a minute because I felt kind of left out, and when I went in I was greeted and we sort of sat in a pile, all touching each other, talking, but she was laying fully on him, her back to his chest, and he was holding her. Meh, okay, the main reason this girl frustrates me is because she doesn't like to be touched a lot of the time, but Adam apparently can comfortably touch her. It started to make me feel a little jealous, I didn't want to, I didn't think I had a right to feel that way, but it's just how I felt. No big deal though. We all talked for a while and then she wanted to go back to her place and she wanted Adam to come with... I did too except I also didn't (I had been really looking forward to spending the night at her house tripping with her just the two of us), but ultimately it felt like we were all supposed to trip together that night, the 3 of us.

I called a cab and when it got there she asked Adam once more if he wanted to come. He hesitated, said sure but it's up to Eric. He looked at me like "dude just say no and I'll stay, I don't want to intrude". But it was too late, she would have known I told him not to come and that would have been weird. Plus I did want him to come, well half of me did. So he came. When we got there we had a couple of hours of amazing trip discussions, really mindblowing and beautiful stuff that I treasure. As the night went on, we started getting a little cuddly... one time she put her leg over mine, thigh to thigh... I tried to communicate energetically through that touch. I had a very nurturing and emotional physical sense... I seek comfort through physical touch, and love (of various kinds), and I have this feeling like she could really benefit from that, but it's like something holds her back from being able to be comfortable with it with me. Adam thinks I have waited too long to make a move but like, somehow there always ends up being other people around when we hang out and she has recoiled from my attempts a couple of times (including that night). Anyway she moved her leg off pretty shortly, I guess either she didn't get my communication or it made her uncomfortable. I noticed over the course of the night that she was getting more and more cuddly with Adam, until at some point I went to go pee and when I came back she was fully laying across him, and their arms were wrapped around each other, her face buried in his shoulder, and they were rubbing each other backs and shoulders. This set off a really intense feeling of jealousy in me, not because I didn't want her touch someone else but because I wanted that from her. I mean she was basically totally ignoring me at this point, I was laying by myself, cold, just wanting to get in on the snuggling with this girl who keeps telling me she wants to go there with me but just hasn't. And here she is going there with my good friend I introduced her to. And the last time we hung out with my friends (she and I), the same thing happened, she was making out with one of her friends and snuggling with my friends. I was tripping and feeling really intense at this point. The next hour was really, really rough, I was having a hard time dealing with my emotions but the LSD gave me this analytical, overarching realization that I had to deal with it myself and not externalize it and put it on her/him. I kept thinking they had started making out, and I am almost sure she wanted to, but he wasn't letting it go there. However they ended up falling asleep snuggled up together and I was cold on the floor. I thought about going home but honestly I couldn't stand the thought that they'd probably end up having sex if I did go home. Not the best reason for me to stay but it's how I felt and I had to deal with that.

Eventually I calmed myself and realized some things. I realized that I had no right to impose anything on her. I really shouldn't even be feeling jealous, yet I am, but I realized that's okay because it's just how I feel and I have to accept that, what wouldn't be okay is reacting to her in anger over it because she doesn't owe me anything. She IS being quite insensitive to me but I don't think she realizes (lack of understanding social cues and lack of being able to accurately model other peoples' minds, a trademark of Asperger's). I didn't sleep at all, just laid there, deep in thought.

The next morning me and her went out together into "magic land", without Adam, which is this 100 acres of wilderness in her back yard. We went to see a waterfall and a bunch of other cool stuff, it was a fun adventure and it felt better to have spent some time with just her. We talked about it a little, I told her that to be honest it made me feel pretty uncomfortable and shitty. She apologized for that but also said that she wants to explore this connection with Adam and have alone time with him, because she's never felt anything quite like it. She has told me a couple of times it's not a sexual attraction, but then she said that it's amazing when she finds someone who she feels comfortable being in physical contact with and she wants to explore it and "sometimes it could turn sexual", but that's not the goal. So basically I think she wants to have sex with my friend which just fucking bothers me, I can't help it, and it also bothers me she can't just say that to me, she has to make it sound like that;s not what she wants. I guess she can tell it bothers me and doesn't want to hurt me, but I'd feel better if she was just honest about it. It also bothers me that she's kind of being shady about it, like just tell me, don't tell me you're not attracted to him but it "could turn sexual", just say it, we're all adults. I realized that she is in my life now (and even 10 months ago when we met) to help me learn certain lessons about relationships and feelings of possessiveness over another person. It's always been her role in my life. I have no right to feel possessive over her, and I have realized that and also realized that honestly feeling possessive over someone is quite disrespectful of them, as you can't own someone. Jealousy is a poisonous feeling that only hurts you (and a relationship if you're in one and have jealousy).

I left and drove Adam home, and he and I talked about it. He apologized for making me feel uncomfortable, and he was just trying to help her and she was helping him, to find comfort. He said she did try to move it into the kissing/making out area but he didn't let it go there. I am totally at peace with him, he's a really good friend and wouldn't do something to disrespect me. But I had to be honest (this trip was all about honesty for me) and say that I had no right to dictate that he could or couldn't do anything with her because we're just friends. Adam told me he believes she does like me but that nothing has happened yet to make her feel that spark despite us talking about it multiple times... he says I am waiting too long to make a move. He says I should try to just make a move whenever we're alone and the time seems right, and then I'd know one way or another. I think it might just be friend zone with her, but the possibility of more nags at me so badly. I feel like I almost have an addiction towards this girl, I don't know why I keep wanting to try to go there with her, it seems like more trouble than it's worth. But something about her attracts me so hard, much harder than the cool girl I'm seeing that's going really well. It kind of feels sick sometimes but I can't help how I feel. I also really like being her friend, despite this weirdness she's a really cool girl and a good person and a really interesting spiritual person, and we have a good friend connection. I want to be her friend, and I hope that if I can just know for 100% sure that there's no chance of it progressing to physicalness, that I can drop all of this stuff and just be her friend and not get all worked up about this shit. But on the other hand, me dealing with these emotions is helping me to become a more mature and stronger person.

For the rest of the day I felt pretty good about it, at peace... I was still tripping lightly all day since I never slept. I talked to one of my friends about it for a while and it helped me get some perspective. But now today I'm kind of obsessing about it again, it's very unpleasant. I don't know why I have to be hung up on this girl, and I don't know whether having a purely friend-based sexual relationship with her is going to work for me even if it happened. I can't tell if I got jealous because someone else was snuggling with her/she's attracted to someone else sexually, or if it's just because it's my good friend I introduced her to that she went there with, or if it's simply because I wanted it too and it made me feel bad that I was being ignored while my friend was not. Is my trouble dealing with the situation because it's so up in the air and she keeps sending me massively mixed signals?

I'm at a crossroads with this... why do I like her so much that I can't just drop it? I've been seeing another girl (not my girlfriend, though I think she'd prefer if she was, but we've talked about me not wanting to be in a relationship right now) for 5 months and it's fucking awesome, there was been literally NOTHING negative, she's super into me, likes to have sex a LOT, she's warm, loving, and we have a really intense and beautiful physical connection. She's supportive, I'm supportive of her, we've actually been through a good amount together and keep feeling closer to each other. She's not quite as hot, well her body is just about the same level of hotness but the total package of this other girl (the one this story was about) is significantly more attractive to me. Not only physically but also mentally, she stimulates me way more and is way more interesting to hang out with. But like, I REALLY have this feeling like if me and this girl explore a physical relationship that it could be a beautiful thing for her and me... she really clearly wants a man to show her tenderness and love through physical means, as she has a problem with that but really wants it, and I know that I could do that because that's part of who I am. I think it would be great. But I don't know if it'll happen and I don't honestly know if I would be able to handle it given my reactions to this other stuff. I mean like I said, maybe if I wasn't just feeling a bit like I was being dragged along with the prospect, but was actually being fulfilled, I would be at peace with her also having that with other people. I mean I have that with another person too. Or maybe it would still make me feel jealous. Maybe I should just stop hanging out with her because she frequently causes me distress because of this, or maybe I am supposed to be feeling this distress so I can learn and grow from it. Like I said she's a good friend, we've been friends for almost a year and I like being her friend, but it might be hard to be her friend and feel at peace, even if I do give up on our friendship going to the next level. I'm unlikely to just magiucally stop liking her. One thing I know is she keeps throwing me off... I'll be happy and content and then I'll hang out with her and come away from it feeling very unbalanced for a little while. I'm torn between knowing whether I am just foolishly putting myself into a painful situation, or if I am supposed to be doing this so I can learn and grow. Last night during the trip I was 100% positive that I am supposed to be learning and growing from it (in fact I have already on a couple of occasions), but today I feel less sure. I can't help but have jealous thoughts. I don't want to, and this may be an opportunity to learn how to not have those feelings. Or else I'm just torturing myself.

I left out a lot of details because I didn't care to rehash the whole thing right now, I may write a trip report about it though as it was a pretty important trip in many ways. The trip was beautiful, important and full of love, it was just the end that was difficult but from that difficulty came learning and so it, too, was beautiful.

That sure became a long post, I didn't expect it to get so long.

xorkoth, it seems to me that the girl in this story isn't for you. the other girl, the one you've been successfully seeing, connects with your soul. but the girl in this story, it seems like it won't ever be a soul-deep connection. even the mental attraction you have for her is a physical thing when compared to soul attraction you have with the other girl.

maybe have sex with this girl once just to get it out of your system, but i don't think she'd be good for you in the long term.

So I'm debating on beating the living shit out of a friend of mine...

Last night right after I got off work a couple came in that my ex and I are friends with and I haven't seen them since before we broke up. So the guy (James) and I had a beer and went outside to smoke. I asked James if he knew what had happened as far as my ex and I breaking up. He tells me "Ya, Brandi told us that things weren't working out, so you mutually decided to end it so that she and Kevin can go out since they're a better match".

Now that's news to me. I told James, no it wasn't mutual, it was an extremely painful breakup. Also, Kevin is a friend of mine and I asked my ex and Kevin if they were seeing eachother and they both denied it at the time.

So on the one hand, I feel like I should beat Kevin within an inch of his life, just on general principle. On the other hand, I'm in a new relationship and am happier than I've been in years. So maybe I should just let it go. I'm not a particularly violent person, but when it comes down to a fight I can destroy the average person due to years of martial arts. I'm actually concerned that if I do kick his ass, I'll end up putting him in the hospital.

Decisions, decisions....

if you're thinking about "beating the living shit out of" him, then it sounds like he had a good reason to lie to you -- he was probably afraid of how you'd react if he told the truth.

 

[kidklmx]

Well here's a thought on the general theme on this thread right now: I think the theory that love is a mechanism to make sure we don't stay with the same person might just be true..

xorxoth: Your train of thought really reminds me of the times I thought a girl and I would be really amazing together, but that the girl wouldn't see it that way. That hardly ever works out the way I pictured it.

I can also really relate to her, because my girlfriend and I also both have ASD. I feel a deeper personal connection with her than I've ever felt with anyone else, a lot of our communication together is really intuitive. She gets the way I feel, she understands my mistakes and doesn't patronize me in any way for having a different brain. I don't really seem feel that way with other people, and for the girl it must be really freeing to meet someone like that.

That doesn't mean it doesn't suck, but if she really feels like I do towards my girlfriend then you're up against a mighty thing.

Not that I'm the best boyfriend in the world or anything. For the past few months or so the intern over at the place I was admitted and I have been growing a bit to close for what her mentor would like (not that he suspects a thing), and I've even thought about leaving my girlfriend for her. If you've read the way I describe the connection with my girlfriend, then you'd understand how special this girl is. I know for sure that she likes me back, because when on the last day I saw her shift ended, and I walked her to the bus to smoke our last cigarette together, we hugged for a minimal 10 minutes (was way too confused to push further) and when her bus drove away I saw her crying through the window.

Now, I feel like total shit for not doing anything with all this and I'm contemplating sending her a message on Facebook (the future is here) when her internship ends. Seems like a bad idea, but on the other hand, life isn't fun without risk.

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

xork shit is cray
i'll read it later tonight, that beats any speedrant i've ever put out in length
anyway
i cant stop loving sf.
i'mma get her back
you guys watch,.

 

[pharmakos]

llama i know you've gotten upset with me before when i discussed you and SF, but -- i do think she was good for you. she seems like she really does love you a lot. get yourself to a point where you're a positive influence on her and i think you've got a chance.

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

what did you say that i got mad

 

[Solipsis]

Did 100+50 ug liquid AL-LAD today with my gf present, had a great time and shared special moments