northsideboy
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2013
- Messages
- 301
Still out here, and yeah...happy 2015 to you all.
Pizza, thanks for asking, in the thread, a little while back, yeah...I was straight for NYE and since then. Contributing factor was that I had the flu all damn week, man, legitimate flu, hadn't touched that defense since around early December - so just had a straight case of some version of the flu that seems to be going around everywhere. Almost everyone I know at work, relatives, neighbors, etc., have been sick or their family member had a flu from Thanksgiving until now. Me, I never had a fever, but I had a splitting headache, like a can't walk, can't balance, crawl up the stairs migraine, combined with nausea that kept my stomach rolling and moaning and pitching and making noise...I was sick Sunday thru the following Saturday, ate twice during the week, slept mostly, had the sweats, both times I ate wound up puking my guts out hours later...similar to the dopesick retch when you keep convulsing and puking even though there's nothing left in there. Last thing I ate was a piece of toast, and after I tossed that bad boy I kept retching until i was spitting out blood, probably from tearing up my throat or whatever.
Finally got back on my feet after 6 days and felt like I had been knocked down on the ground and stomped. Muscles hurt all over my body. Nothing I could do though, just be sick and lay there. A few things pissed me off to no end at first, then I just had to give up and let it go, nothing I could do about it - 1. it was all vacation time, not even sick time, but just lost vacation days (oh well, TG I have a job), 2. it was the week of New Year's, not that i was gonna party or nothing, but I couldn't do shit, not play with my kids, not leave the house, nothing. I could hear them during the day, and heard them play all day on NYE and stay up late - once they grow up, that time is gone, it goes quick. I wanted to enjoy spending it with them. 3. My wife just figured I was dopesick all week and treated me accordingly. Can't argue, can't prove it, no use to try, but it opened my eyes to how untrustworthy I am and what she really thinks of me. Of course, that's not the kind of relationship I want, so i had a good long look at that and the effect its had on my marriage all week (when I was awake).
So yeah, i was clean and sober but that whole experience sucked balls. Been clean since then. It's actually added a little fuel to the effort to stay off the stuff for as long as I can, just out of spite maybe..and I know that sword can cut both ways but WTF, now that it's been over 30+ days, and since I finally feel good, and especially after having been so fucking sick with the flu for a week, i can eat again and have energy and sleep and everything (it was sort of funny how similar the flu was to being dopesick looking back at it, but not while being sick and not being accused of using...) - I finally feel ok being clean and want to stay this way. Of course at the same time, the thought is in the back of my mind, and my guy is texting me asking where i am and all that shit....but for now, clean is the choice. Sub clean, I mean, I'm honest about that...maintenance if you wanna look at it like that. I'm gonna stay clean and happy with it for a while before i start messing with lowering the dose again, after all the lessons I learned about that and all the fuck ups and money spent, marriage ruined for the moment, etc.
And yeah, it's fucking cold. One more good reason not to be trolling around looking to grab some bags, although that wasn't exactly how it went down in my case. Ten below or not, I know they're out there somewhere posted up, or inside somewhere with a lookout on the block, come on, that shit don't stop banging cause it got cold out. They gotta pay the heating bills like everyone else. Heavy i don't know where you were looking, but by your own post you admit you haven't hit the block in a while, so you got a bad day, bad weather, sounds like the police were out and if you spent a hour and a half in one square mile there's a lot of other real estate out there to look at man. I wish you better luck next time, but you gotta diversify man...with your date of 2010, you already know that. just sucks you gotta deal with it in this weather. time of day always had a lot to do with it in my experience. For the block, I liked to get out there early in the day, so you knew you were dealing with professionals on both sides of the window. The cats i saw that were always working in the morning were older, more organized and more about the business than the crazy teenagers in the afternoon. And the customers were also - either rolling in on the way to work, or at least it seemed everything ran smoother with less crazy about it than later in the day. The later in the day it got, the more the trolls and creatures came out, woke up late, were already sauced or whatever. And fuck it when it gets dark out in the winter. I'm not doing the hood in the dark...that's why we get #'s and move on to PC's - but you already know all that. So good luck man. Get some back up this time.
And good luck to you fantom. you can do those subs man...do it. and give yourself a break. you deserve it. I can't believe how much better i feel now. the second half of last year was a blur. I mean, i got a lot of shit to deal with, family and all, problems I caused...but i feel good about myself again for once. It's worth it, man.
Later folks. That's my limit for January. lol.
Pizza, thanks for asking, in the thread, a little while back, yeah...I was straight for NYE and since then. Contributing factor was that I had the flu all damn week, man, legitimate flu, hadn't touched that defense since around early December - so just had a straight case of some version of the flu that seems to be going around everywhere. Almost everyone I know at work, relatives, neighbors, etc., have been sick or their family member had a flu from Thanksgiving until now. Me, I never had a fever, but I had a splitting headache, like a can't walk, can't balance, crawl up the stairs migraine, combined with nausea that kept my stomach rolling and moaning and pitching and making noise...I was sick Sunday thru the following Saturday, ate twice during the week, slept mostly, had the sweats, both times I ate wound up puking my guts out hours later...similar to the dopesick retch when you keep convulsing and puking even though there's nothing left in there. Last thing I ate was a piece of toast, and after I tossed that bad boy I kept retching until i was spitting out blood, probably from tearing up my throat or whatever.
Finally got back on my feet after 6 days and felt like I had been knocked down on the ground and stomped. Muscles hurt all over my body. Nothing I could do though, just be sick and lay there. A few things pissed me off to no end at first, then I just had to give up and let it go, nothing I could do about it - 1. it was all vacation time, not even sick time, but just lost vacation days (oh well, TG I have a job), 2. it was the week of New Year's, not that i was gonna party or nothing, but I couldn't do shit, not play with my kids, not leave the house, nothing. I could hear them during the day, and heard them play all day on NYE and stay up late - once they grow up, that time is gone, it goes quick. I wanted to enjoy spending it with them. 3. My wife just figured I was dopesick all week and treated me accordingly. Can't argue, can't prove it, no use to try, but it opened my eyes to how untrustworthy I am and what she really thinks of me. Of course, that's not the kind of relationship I want, so i had a good long look at that and the effect its had on my marriage all week (when I was awake).
So yeah, i was clean and sober but that whole experience sucked balls. Been clean since then. It's actually added a little fuel to the effort to stay off the stuff for as long as I can, just out of spite maybe..and I know that sword can cut both ways but WTF, now that it's been over 30+ days, and since I finally feel good, and especially after having been so fucking sick with the flu for a week, i can eat again and have energy and sleep and everything (it was sort of funny how similar the flu was to being dopesick looking back at it, but not while being sick and not being accused of using...) - I finally feel ok being clean and want to stay this way. Of course at the same time, the thought is in the back of my mind, and my guy is texting me asking where i am and all that shit....but for now, clean is the choice. Sub clean, I mean, I'm honest about that...maintenance if you wanna look at it like that. I'm gonna stay clean and happy with it for a while before i start messing with lowering the dose again, after all the lessons I learned about that and all the fuck ups and money spent, marriage ruined for the moment, etc.
And yeah, it's fucking cold. One more good reason not to be trolling around looking to grab some bags, although that wasn't exactly how it went down in my case. Ten below or not, I know they're out there somewhere posted up, or inside somewhere with a lookout on the block, come on, that shit don't stop banging cause it got cold out. They gotta pay the heating bills like everyone else. Heavy i don't know where you were looking, but by your own post you admit you haven't hit the block in a while, so you got a bad day, bad weather, sounds like the police were out and if you spent a hour and a half in one square mile there's a lot of other real estate out there to look at man. I wish you better luck next time, but you gotta diversify man...with your date of 2010, you already know that. just sucks you gotta deal with it in this weather. time of day always had a lot to do with it in my experience. For the block, I liked to get out there early in the day, so you knew you were dealing with professionals on both sides of the window. The cats i saw that were always working in the morning were older, more organized and more about the business than the crazy teenagers in the afternoon. And the customers were also - either rolling in on the way to work, or at least it seemed everything ran smoother with less crazy about it than later in the day. The later in the day it got, the more the trolls and creatures came out, woke up late, were already sauced or whatever. And fuck it when it gets dark out in the winter. I'm not doing the hood in the dark...that's why we get #'s and move on to PC's - but you already know all that. So good luck man. Get some back up this time.
And good luck to you fantom. you can do those subs man...do it. and give yourself a break. you deserve it. I can't believe how much better i feel now. the second half of last year was a blur. I mean, i got a lot of shit to deal with, family and all, problems I caused...but i feel good about myself again for once. It's worth it, man.
Later folks. That's my limit for January. lol.
