27 today. wasted my youth

[Spadez87]

So im 27 today. Been lurking, posting or on here in one way or another since I think 2003- 2004. Ten years ago I chugged down 70 extra strength ibuprofen. Unfortunately some how I lived. Debating if today is round 2 and if anyone has thoughts on why or why not this is a good/bad idea. I'm on the fence so to speak.

Brief background if anyone care to read. Might get some "at least I'm not this guy" out of it.

Aways where to start. I'll try to keep this short. Essentially every year since ten has been a battle. Was bullied for being the fat kid. This hasn't changed but now people just avoid me cause they are afraid.

So me and few outcasted comrades in loserly (I made up my own word) discovered weed around 13. I moved on to Tons of other drugs mostly X and coke and the god forsaken benzos. They did not. First step in losing my very few friends was here.

Anyways around 16-17 I joined the army reserves for a short short bit. Left that (long story) got into good shape, got tattoos/turned punk/got scary and went back to hs to seek revenge on those who had so wronged me. I worked I stopped being bullied.

Kept doing drugs kept drinking but slowed down somewhat. 20 I destroyed my knees slipping on some ice. I had surgeries but they are now shit I can't hold any job I'm qualified for. To physical. Can't stand for long.

In the last ten years I've been diagnosed with bipolar 2( I dunno about this ) borderline personality disorder ( I can see this) and GAD ( for sure). I'm essentially viewed a one crazy ass individual. I guess I am. To anyone with mental illness you know how much it fucks you up and your life.

One last thing benzos.. In 11 years I've tapered or cold turkey(stupid) 5 times. I'm finishing a 2 year tapered atm which I have about 7 days left. I'm at one mg of diazepam. I was at 180-200mg a day I think.

Anyways I've ranted enough. Sorry for the long post. I was just sitting here on my 27th bday think how poetic it would be to 10 years later get another 70 Advil down and end the last 17 years of indescribable suffering.

I remember being a kid and people saying things would get better. Especially if you took steps to make things better.

They were wrong or lied.

 

[Allein]

Hi Spadez87,

It sounds like these bad feelings about yourself have been going on for many years a lack of self worth is very difficult to deal with, I'm sure many people would identify with that and empathise with your pain.

It doesn't matter what age you are there is always hope and there is always more the adventure to come. You've struggled on and survived this far, which shows great strength from within, give yourself a bit of credit for that

I'm currently laid up after the 3rd operation on my left knee / leg in less than as many years, in this brave new world mobility isn't required for many jobs and at 27 there is plenty of time to find a new profession. Your mobility / body size / or any other physical attributes do not define your worth as a person.

Hang in there

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Hey

I'm also 27, I also tried to kill myself in my youth, I'm also on a diazepan taper, and I also have a chronic injury with one of my limbs that stops me doing a lot of stuff I want to (waiting for surgery atm), I also suffer from depression (as well as a couple of learning disorders and what was just described as 'complex mental health needs' when I was last assesed by a psychologist). So I can relate to you somewhat....

I also lament all the opportunities I have wasted in my life. I was a really really smart kid and whilst I'm not stupid now, I'm not a patch on the intellect I once was. Sometimes I almost grieve for the loss of the person that I once was if that makes any sense? I spent so many years doing my best to destroy my innocence and leave childhood behind, now I wish I could have it all back. That's the type of awkward contrary bastard I am though, and it aint coming back so I do my best to make do with what I have now. Sometimes it really sucks pushing 30 and being at school with a load of 19 year olds, but thems the breaks, and when it comes down to it 27 is young. The way I look at I still have the majority of my life in front of me and I have my destiny in my own hands if I control my substance abuse. I dare say the same is true for you.

On the subject of a poetic suicide...well I hate to break it to you but unless you're a famous personality there aint nobody out there who will find out and think of it as poetic. There might be people close to you that get extremely hurt, but I doubt they will see it as poetic, and unfortunately you can't appreciate the poetic nature of your own suicide for obvious reasons. On a more practical note, fuck going through all that taper and then not at least finishing and having a look at what life on the other side is like! You've worked so hard for that it would be illogical not to at least live that life you have been working for for so long and give it a spin for a while.

I dunno where I'm going with this. You're not alone I guess.

 

[Chronic Asshole]

You're at the tail end of a benzo taper and you don't even want to live to see the results of long term benzo abstinence? Surely that took a lot of willpower and surely you are tapering for a reason. You should see this through to the end and see how that makes you feel. You want to know what isn't poetic? Someone who starts something and doesn't finish it.

And ibuprofen. Really? That sounds like a shitty way to kill yourself. Sounds painful, and being a bigger guy it might not work.

 

[Spadez87]

Thanks for the replies. It's good to here other ppls struggles sometimes. Helps with prospective. Less fuck my life.

I don't know what keeps me here but yeah I'm still here. Don't know why I posted this..should look into new jobs I guess or get it the fuck over with and not shit on the internet.

yeah the taper was ridiculous. I'm surprised I didn't grand mal. Prob cuz I did it the only smart way which is minuscule cuts over a long long time.

Also yeah if your gonna off your self your are correct. Ibuprofen is a very painful way to try. I don't advise it.

 

[tocooperate]

I don't know what keeps me here but yeah I'm still here. Don't know why I posted this..

how about ... cause not existing is a f$&#ing terrifying concept? imo every human can unlock that fear and use it as a tool to survive "even this"... but you have to choose life even if for just long enough to try.

and shit, if your interwebzing you might as well hit up craigslist whether or not it will be for the last time no? found my ccurrent job cuz I just happened to CL one night in a random ass town parking lot (i spent a lot of nights in parking lots those days lol)

 

[Erikmen]

You are the only one who can make your life better.
You are still young and should let the past go.
There is only now.
Congrats for your birthday!

 

[brink]

Therapy may be worth a go, if you are willing. 27 isn't old. Most of us waste years with shitty jobs, shitty mates, shitty depression, etc., but it's part of life and learning for many.

That sounds terrible about the knees. Were they bad enough to have replacements?

 

[Someone Who Is Me]

Hey man, I'm soon to be 27 and feel the exact same way a lot of the time. Can't even get antidepressants for it from my shrink because I allegedly take too much other shit to safely take antidepressants . Hang in there. There are seriously a shitload of people right here with you, even if it seems like you're alone!! And I know people who have gone the metaphorical "ibuprofen route". I've also seen the aftermath for their friends/family and other people in their life. It's indescribably awful.

 

[CaveBear]

jeezuz, im old. i wasted my teens thru this very day, im 43 bro. and drinkin my ass off right now. when the sun comes up, i'll hit my weed man and by noon i'll be tweakin my ass off. i get days when i feel like you do. i just wont do it. ive tried suicide by cop after being drunk and doing blow for 3 days. i stormed them with a big knife, the fukers dropped me with 3 beanbag rounds. sum bitch, i thought i cant even get this right.

at this point some days the only thing that keeps me going is the smile another buzz will put on my face. i go thru bouts of severe depression though, but meds help, my counselor helps, an occasional meeting helps. everyone who knows me though knows i have no real intention of ever trying to stop again. you dont have to do that. youre still trying. talk, post, anything. it helps. sometimes i journal even. writing it out or typing it out, then reading it after works as well. i read my blogs here and think thats just fuckin stupid.

offing yourself will forever alter the lives of those that care about you. i have a close circle of family and friends that love me for who i am. i wont after all my bullshit make them go thru that mess. i put up with my own pain and suffering so they dont see how much i loathe myself and killing yourself will crush loved ones worse than any addiction. youre not suffering alone here.

peace friend.

 

[Corazon]

You are still young as shit and you have some physical health.

Believe me, I believe you when you say you hate life.

I am 35 and I'll probably live to about 45-50 (assuming i survive my next major surgery in a couple months). My health is gone. I'm 35 and I've had this half-life since I was 23. 12 years of no good pussy, not being able to kick someones ass, not being able to get out of a financial bind by doing some hard labor, etc...
Not dick-sizing, but I'm trying to give you some perspective.
And I know "perspective" doesn't really help either. "Perspective" is worthless. There's always some fuck that has it worse in some wheel chair with tubes or something, it doesn't make life suck any less for you or I.

I can tell you that if I was 27 with a cardiovascular system that actually worked, and my life was horrible like you describe, I would be getting in good physical shape. Part of that is the fact that I went from an athlete to a disabled guy overnight, and part of that is the fact that it's free to do, it's one of the few natural highs that are worth a damn, it helps you get sex, and helps you be confident in both your appearance and your achievements, and it helps with mental issues.

You did good to benzo taper. Good job. Now quit the rest of it, suffer through it physically with your strength, get strong as shit, work a couple jobs and save, have lots of great sex, and live to 65+.

 

[herbavore]

Sometimes you don't realize that your state of mind (your perception of yourself and your life) is simply familiar and therefore safe even when it is miserable. It takes courage to try to feel better about yourself and your life (because it is terrifying to think, "What if I try and fail? Better not to find that out.") But you have already shown great courage in getting to where you are today--not a failure in any way--just someone still struggling through the murk of growing up in the modern world. Finding real friends comes from finding yourself--your true interests and passions and developing a sense of perspective about your strengths and weaknesses. It is never too late to start learning how to do this. I'm 60, not on any drugs, but life still throws you to the ground from time to time anyway. The only thing you can really control is how you are going to look at yourself and your life. If you choose to see only failure you slam the door shut on so much. If you can be compassionate with yourself, as you would be with a good friend with all the same problems, you will find it easier to go forward. I hope that you do go forward. Many people that come through this forum lose their lives in their twenties. As an older person I mourn each one of those young lives, knowing the pain their absence causes. I also have to ask myself how this world has become so image-driven and selfish that so many young people feel such despair and isolation. If nothing else, you can choose to make your life meaningful by helping to counter that fatal trend for others. I wish you a meaningful and positive birthday with lots of moments of peace and hopefully some of joy thrown in as well.

 

[pharmacybandit]

First and foremost, happy belated birthday! I turned 26 a few months ago and for some reason, it hit me hard, too. I suddenly was like, "oh, shit, I'm an adult and this isn't cute anymore". I've struggled a lot with my mistakes and things I'm still doing that I want to change, but ultimately, you've got to understand that you only get one life that you know of for sure. And despite your religion and beliefs, you do not know what lies beyond. Use this to live your life to your best ability now, because you just don't know. I know it's totally cliche, but we've still got our youth and the opportunity to be happy, no matter how hard it may seem. It's a least worth a shot,because fuck, not everyone is killing themselves, so there has so be something in life to be happy for. You just need to find what it is for you, and it might not come overnight, but when you find it, you'll understand this bullshit thing we call life isn't all so bad--maybe even worth it. It's been said before, but when you kill yourself, you really change a lot more lives than just your. Best of luck to you, head up high!

 

[brink]

There's really gotta be a better perspective than becoming depressed every year as we realize we're getting older, with relatively little past accomplishments and future goals to speak of. I get that, and it seems to be overly self critical and spending too much time thinking about the past and future.

 

[DETROIT*edm*JUNKIE]

Hey man.. iv suffered depression everyday for the past 6 years.. Iv thought about killing myself more than anyone my age should.. i started listening to eric thomas everyday and he's helped me alot.. more than anyone has ever to be honest.. check him out on youtube.. just type in eric thomas motivation or inception, and listen to his speeches with a cool background soundtrack.. they will motivate the fuck out of you. I promise.

But anyways. You are still standing. You made it through all those things. Those pains were temporary and you got through them. Youve taken pain for 27 years, and your still standing. Your still here. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

 

[Spadez87]

Hey I honestly took the time to read all the replies. Alot of you seem like good people who had some bad shit handed to you. Your all still standing to I respect that.

We are all tough individuals IMO most people dealt our shit would be in the grave or in a heap on the floor.

Thanks for the perspective. For me it helps.

I'm not leaving this shit show world till death takes me as it will will us all. Till that day I'm gonna take it and try and laugh. No more tears or fears.

I was thinking today. All the shit I've been through in my relatively young 27 years has given me experience, wisdom and made me tough and solid beyond my years.
there will be bad days and good days. But I'm not gonna sulk anymore at all I'm just gonna soldier this out

Thanks all, good luck on your journeys and respective struggles.

 

[8ft-Sativa]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Yeah your right 27 is way young. I hear most people hit their thirties and have an epic time.

Done much traveling?

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Hey I honestly took the time to read all the replies. Alot of you seem like good people who had some bad shit handed to you. Your all still standing to I respect that.

We are all tough individuals IMO most people dealt our shit would be in the grave or in a heap on the floor.

Thanks for the perspective. For me it helps.

I'm not leaving this shit show world till death takes me as it will will us all. Till that day I'm gonna take it and try and laugh. No more tears or fears.

I was thinking today. All the shit I've been through in my relatively young 27 years has given me experience, wisdom and made me tough and solid beyond my years.
there will be bad days and good days. But I'm not gonna sulk anymore at all I'm just gonna soldier this out

Thanks all, good luck on your journeys and respective struggles.

Good decision. Don't get busy dying, get busy living.

 

[CaveBear]

Hey I honestly took the time to read all the replies. Alot of you seem like good people who had some bad shit handed to you. Your all still standing to I respect that.

We are all tough individuals IMO most people dealt our shit would be in the grave or in a heap on the floor.

Thanks for the perspective. For me it helps.

I'm not leaving this shit show world till death takes me as it will will us all. Till that day I'm gonna take it and try and laugh. No more tears or fears.

I was thinking today. All the shit I've been through in my relatively young 27 years has given me experience, wisdom and made me tough and solid beyond my years.
there will be bad days and good days. But I'm not gonna sulk anymore at all I'm just gonna soldier this out

Thanks all, good luck on your journeys and respective struggles.

fuck yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! never, ever quit.....

 

[njirem]

Hi spadez87,

we have quite a few things in common, im your age ( 28 ), have GAD amongst other things, have a past of being bullied and beaten, addiction, no education, suicidal depressions, loniness, dispare.

Had done a couple semi-suicide attempts in the previous years and early this year around may (bingedrinking, quit lyrics cold turkey, no food, massive ammount of amphetamines until i would fal asleep hoping it would be enough to never wake up again. Slowly destroying myself hoping it would kill me) and have had countless days on wich i woke up and all i wanted to was just die, dissapear.

I never ever even had the slightest hope i would ever get better, i know about all the disilusions, the failures, the isolation, not knowing what to do and how to do it.
Felt, and still kind of do, stigmatised and extremely misunderstood.

Last year, around November, i made up my to give Life one final chance, promised myself to give it everything i had, one final fight, not in a way i really thought i would get better, more to justify for myself i had given it all and lost the battle, so could commit suicide without feeling guilty, as i life was such a torture, i saw no other way.

Long story short, went in and out rehab, got myself diagnosed with ADD, GAD and PTSD, relapsed, got extremely depressed, and started slowly to cut out everything in my life that i hated and that was hounting me.
I only allowed absolute thruth and honousty, had hardcore nightmares, panick attacks and flashbacks from the past, and reality struck me like a tornado.
How my childhood was ruined because i had no father, how i used to listen at my sisters door if she was still alive since she was deeply depressed, how i got mistreated by teachers whop didnt realise i had trouble concentrating because of my ADD and punished me for the best i could do, how i was bullied, laughed at, beaten, how i lived in constant fear in puberty because i was in a group of violent thugs that did horrible things to others but who i couldnt help because i didn;t want to be a target anymore, felt so powerless and ashmed of myself.

ugh, well, ill stop here, you get the picture.

So what did i do?

First, i handed over my finances to an agency to keep my house, didnt want to loose it for the third time, i have been working fulltime on the brink of a burnout, but earning and spending the money i made was the only thing i could really be proud of.
Secondly, i have no longer contact with my family, they are still in denial and think i brought all this on myself, its hard but its the best for me, i just need to cut them loose to get some air.

Went on a final binge that nearly killed me, and did my last detox in August.

Now, being sober and clean for 78 days, having medication that works (effexor for depression/anxiety, and a sleeping aid), a house, and a healtyh body, im all of a sudden kind of enlighted, yes, i do have these horrible episodes from the past, but now i am finally ready to face my demons from the past, i will undergo EMDR for my PTSD.

Cutting loose everything that is bad for me is the best thing i have ever done, and i can see the light in the end of tunnel, of wich i truly believed would never come.

It make me realise, that a lot of this has to do with acting like grown up, taking the resposibility to take control of my own life, and i am florishing because of everything i am now undergoing without relapsing, without doing the same old stuff again that never worked.

I may be on my own now for real, but dont feel lonely anymore. It truly does feel like i am born for the second time, now as a whole, complete and strong person, that i have to keep feeding positve thought and actions, and that will bring me happiness along the ride.

It take faith, strenght, courage and hope, motivation and determination, but IF you proceed with no doubt, no excuses, no blaming others or feeling sorry for yourself, it CAN and WILL happen.

There is no such thing as the past, or future, there is only NOW. Remember that.
Feelings come and go, failure will stay.

You have that militant mindset, use it, when shit gets rough, and take the past as a lesson, if you push through it, youll be stronger then most people youll ever meet in your life.

I wish you all the best, and much WISDOM, to make the right choises that will lead to saving yourself!






ps. A little kickstart to all of this was a journey i made through Northern Africa in 2012. Seeing the milky way at night, while riding a camel in the darkness of the Sahara, seeing the lights of a tent-camp in the distance, wow...that feeling was like nothing i ever felt before, it made me realise that somehow and someway, something was there. You should concider doing something similair, go overseas to a completely different world/culture, to FEEL again. It will do you no harm.

And start running, in nature, that is always good.