• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

Going Sober, Swear to God

This isn't so hard to quit as long as I taper slowly enough. I feel neither bad or good. I just feel neutral.

But there's no point in it anymore, as they don't work anymore, and just makes me feel worse or I've started getting the negative side-effects of them (basically the opposite of when they worked).

Like, I've become agrophobic (obviously due to the anxiety aspect) and feel a bit scared to go outside and uncomfortable being in my living room. I prefer being in my bedroom as it's a smaller space so I feel safer. It's crazy, as I've always been more claustrophobic and needed wide, open spaces.

Want to get off them as soon as possible so I can get rid of all this, but the seizure-danger is a worry.

I've almost lost any kind of social anxiety, though. Dealing with people seems like nothing after all the terror I've been through.
 
Last edited:
haha funny -- I had BAD social anxiety/GAD too, before I discovered heroin. Now when I'm sober I'm like the most outgoing person in the world and hardly ever anxious. I attribute it to all the shit I've been through living the junkie lifestyle... like if I can handle almost dying, watching "friends" almost die/actually die, being robbed, betrayed by nearly everyone I thought I could trust, lost everything that once mattered to me, etc... handling normal social situations now is a piece of cake. As much as I hate the part of me that's an addict, it made me strong as fuck and I no longer look at the world through the ridiculously naive, judgemental lenses as I did before I fell into it's grip. Plus, it helped me to see the beauty in life, which I could never see before. Something about living in your own personal hell and losing everything does that to a person. All these positive consequences didn't show up until after I got clean though, and once I relapsed I forgot about them again. I guess that's how addiction works... makes you forget about how great sobriety is while tricking you into thinking that being an active junkie is just PEACHY. When it's really the complete opposite. How fucked up is that.

I'm detoxing from heroin again right now though. It isn't easy but it can be done, and it's certainly worth all the clarity and hope and joy and pride and self-confidence and self-love and everything else you feel once it's finally over with. I've never detoxed from benzos, although I probably should have. I was on 4mg daily for a year straight and didn't experience any withdrawals once I stopped taking them... I'm not sure how this is possible because I was very much addicted to them - it's the only drug who's strength/addiction potential I would compare to heroin - but I guess I just got really lucky somehow. Benzos are fucking insidious little bastards and I did walk away from that year with a healthy respect for them. I still take them now every once in a while, but never longer than a day or two and only when I'm in withdrawal and can't handle the anxiety anymore... and I only take the smallest dose possible.

Anyway, from what I've seen on here and from watching other people come off them in detox facilities, the withdrawals are hellish. This one lady didn't remember her name or what day it was or anything when she first came into the facility I was at, and she had at least 2 or 3 seizures a day. She was coming off alcohol too, but still. Please, please, please just be careful. If you know you're going to have withdrawals, I highly recommend doing a medically supervised detox. That shit is dangerous. I know my little heroin withdrawals are nothing compared to what you're going through, but you can do this. Stay strong <3
 
No worries, I'm taking it slooooow. I'm right now on 4 Etizolam 3 times a day but will cut it down to 3 next week. Probably don't need that much. But it makes me feel more comfortable even if I probably wouldn't notice taking less. I was experimenting with crazy doses like 20 a day at the end just to see if I could make it still work (I couldn't).

About the social anxiety, I never really had that much of it, but now I've noticed I've started asserting myself more and almost started bossing people around. Even authoritive figures I'm very outspoken with and don't have much time for their opinions. I don't care about what people have to say or might think of me. I just give them a piece of my mind. But, yes, it really raises your threshold for pain and fear (we've been fucking with our nervous system seriously here).

It sucks being housebound with agrophobia though. I'm literally bored to tears. No wonder I'm considering taking up German.
 
True,

With benzos I've seen so many jump off too fast. A slow taper is best as you say…
I've been in the ER 6 times before for thyroid related anxiety and benzos mixed. I didn't have the appropriate information then to take care of myself.
I do know that agoraphobia feeling, and also the feeling of needing to be in one room and no place else whatsoever. There was a time, I couldn't be anywhere, inside outside… nothing felt safe… I would walk around the block over and over and over…. I lived in panic on a daily basis. I thought I was going to die so I just went and lived in an open space on the beach for a while…

I'm 1/2 month off heroin myself, and it's not as bad as benzos but I'm coming into a place where I know I'm going to be okay, and won't need inpatient. Aside from some complications from seizure meds these few days, but nothing like heroin/benzo withdrawal. In the past, when I did see an emergency psych doc from being on diazepam too long, he initiated me on seizure meds at the very end of my benzo taper after he prescribed clorazepate (very long acting). You may know all this.

Anyways, You are doing it! Stay strong… and most authority figures judgement are merely how they feels about themselves anyway ime… Good for you!~ :)
 
About the social anxiety thing, sometimes when I'm around people it's like their like air to me now, strange to think how some are so crippled with social anxiety.

I've also noticed I've become almost borderline arrogant. But this is also because in conversations I can now talk and understand better than most, so I can dominate them mentally. So I probably need to control my ego as I become stronger getting off the benzos.

Though this has never been a problem before and as long as someone are nice I treat them very respectfully and am happy to explain things to them. But if someone are a complete bitch/bastard, and in addition says something completely stupid, I can be a bit patronising. There is only so much you can take.

Another thing though, is how this affects the chemical balance in your body. When you're on different kinds of drugs, they repress the production of neurotransmitters like Serotonin, Dopamine, and Endorphins, that are supposed to make you feel comfortable happy and confident. That's why your body and mind freaks out when you suddenly stop benzos because it has shut down its Gaba production and now no longer have anything to relax yourself with.

But when you get clean this production starts up again and it will affect you in many positive ways as you're helped out by these internal "drugs". So if you were happy and condifent before you started drugs you will probably get that back again. Your nervous system and chemical balance gets restored over time.

It's not just to do with chemistry, though. It's also to do with the life experiences you've had with or without drugs. They can both weaken you or make you stronger, as we talked about above.
 
I was never confident and happy until I became a junkie and then got clean for the first time last year. Not because I'm ugly or my life was horrible before. I'm actually quite attractive (not being cocky) and I had a lot of good things going back then. In reality, I had no reason to be unhappy or unconfident. But I now recognize that was more of a symptom of my own lack of self-love and lack of self-awareness coupled with negative thinking patterns I had about past traumas.

I find it very ironic that I'm a million times more confident and happy now that I've been through hell and back and lost everything, than I was when I was a naive teenager. The difference is like night and day. Guess you have to experience true evil before you're able to recognize true beauty. I never, ever would have found my own sense of spirituality (which is what I believe is what was the catalyst for the new way of thinking I have) if it wasn't for my addiction. I never would have it in my mind to go out of my way to be grateful for each day, notice the beauty in the little things, tell people I love them, etc. So I'm grateful for the experience.

You're right about the positive feelings you get when you detox, when your endorphin/dopamine production restarts. It happens when you quit long hard opiate habits too. Just like your anxiety and adrelanine ramps up, the "feel-good" chemicals go a little haywire too. I get some of the most crazy euphoric moments when I'm detoxing. it's my favorite part of the process... obviously ;p
 
Try to meditate (I like visualisations or "light meditations").

It can dissolve a lot of pain and give you an energy high.

This can actually be superior to a chemical high (relearn to think this is the only way to get high).
 
Haha I was doing that last night in bed so that I could fall asleep at a normal time. It def gave me a "high" of some sort, at one point I felt like I was floating and it was pretty cool... but I think I was being a little bit TOO still and relaxed because I could feel it turning into sleep paralysis and pretty much the second my body started vibrating and I recognized what was happening I began having a panic attack and had to get up for a while. But I went back to my bed like 30 min later and fell asleep pretty easily after that, so I suppose it all worked out lol

Meditation is def an amazing tool though, so is visualization. I try to do both every day :)
 
Where I'm at right now… I have absolutely NO anxiety, finally! Not that this will change when I reach some sort of homeostasis again… The enormous amounts I've experienced detoxing these last few weeks maybe zapped it all out of me… Although I think my body is coming down from opiates for a couple years. I feel like I have adrenal failure, lol.. I can barely get up sometimes, but I know this will change. 35 days I've heard is the general consensus. For benzos I bet it's longer….

My body/mind/system did totally 'freak out' as you mention in one of the above comments. (btw: i'm changing my settings, as i am just getting these, and not even sure what's to me, or not… but oh well. i'll just respond anyways). :)

I understand the need to control one's ego. That choice between thought and action for me is a little narrower than it usually is…. at times, and sometimes so wide I can't even respond due to lethargy. I like how you say internal drugs.
Maybe the brain is like an internal drug store, and just takes off the shelf what is necessary in the moment. Right now I need dopamine .. or fill in the blank (______), to deal with this situation. Fight or flight or what not, or freeze etc. Also, conditioning probably play a part in reaction with instinct etc.

I think for me, going through this and what I went through before, anxiety in general (not drug related or affected), has diminished a lot. Coming close to what feels like death, makes what happens around me in comparison … seem like nothing at all, at least for now.

Got a long ways to go, had 8 years. ARgh! Anyways, I have til I sleep tonight … then onto tomorrow… Thanks for listening. Meditations are lifesavers at times, very grounding… brings me back to consciousness… or just being in my body if I've drifted too far. :)
 
Last edited:
About helping your body to produce "internal drugs".

I recommend 5-htp, which helps Serotonin production, also St. John's Worth (this also helps you to sleep). I also recommend amino-acids - there is one for every neurotransmitter. L-theanine for Gaba (what you lose with benzo abuse). And there are also some to help you with Endorphin and Dopamine production, but you can research this for yourself.

Linseed-oil, or quality omega-3 also help, as your brain is mostly made of fat and need it. I remember the first time I took two table spoons of Linseed-oil I immediately felt much more comfortable both physically and psychologically (very weird, guess I was completely starved). And anti-oxidants are essential for detox. Vitamin-C powder is very powerful and healing and also makes you feel more comfortable (toxins make you feel cranky). I used to take a tea-spoon of Vitamin-C powder with Iron every morning and felt like I was on speed.

But remember nutrition is just as important. Start the day with something nutritions like a salad or scrambled eggs with vegetables. Fruit and nuts (and especially juiced fruits and vegetables) is also great. Avoid white bread as it has no nutrients and only turns into sugar (like pasta and white rice).

This will make a great difference to your body-chemistry and state of mind. It can't produce those chemicals from nothing.
 
Last edited:
xburtonchic said:
I find it very ironic that I'm a million times more confident and happy now that I've been through hell and back and lost everything, than I was when I was a naive teenager. The difference is like night and day. Guess you have to experience true evil before you're able to recognize true beauty. I never, ever would have found my own sense of spirituality (which is what I believe is what was the catalyst for the new way of thinking I have) if it wasn't for my addiction. I never would have it in my mind to go out of my way to be grateful for each day, notice the beauty in the little things, tell people I love them, etc. So I'm grateful for the experience.
Click to expand...

I think the heart broken open is the heart freed to feel deeper and deeper.
 
Hi Ninae,

All those are so very helpful.. I have some of them I take now, with the exception of Linseed oil. I used to use it for painting but wasn't aware it was consumable. Nice!

Those vitamin C powder I may just pick some up. I take the pills but know pills don't always work as well as powders… I heard L-Carnitine is great also.
 
Linseed-oil can only keep in the fridge for 6-8 weeks, though.

What you need is a big jar of Ascorbic-acid.

The 2-times noble price winner Linus Pauling recommended 5 grams a day and 10 grams if the body was under stress. But much more when serious illness was involved.
 
Nootropics can help a ton also. I used to take Piracetam with my 5-HTP, along with another supplement that's good for brain functioning called Lion's Mane (it's a mushroom of some sort that's grounded down and then put into those clear capsules). It was like the holy trinity for me lol. That shit was amazing, never been more clear headed in my life!!! I'd still be taking it if I hadn't made myself so broke during this last run ;p
 
Ascorbic Acid? I'll look into it. Thank you for the tip. :)
I take some Agmatine also, and/or L Arginine.. It gives me a little energy and supposedly helps with pain, but not so sure.

Nootropics? I have not tried those. I've indeed done my share of mushrooms. Lion's Mane? Interesting.

I'll look it up… as confusion comes and goes, but is not constant… although I had some issues in the supermarket line, I just couldn't function, remember my pin etc.
It will take time for my cognition to return to a healthy state. I hope, although smoking Heroin I've heard isn't good for the brain. /: :)
 
Nutrition is really important (or getting enough nutrients and eliminating the wastes and toxins from your blood).

I woke up feeling really shitty today, but after drinking a lot of water and fruit juice, taking some Linseed-oil, having some fruit and a vegetable salad with diary I finally feel pretty decent after 5 hours.

Not like I'm on drugs, I just feel in a naturally stable mood or in an average state of mind (which I tend to find boring, but much better still).
 
It's the cheapest of the omega-3 oils. About £6 a bottle here. Healthfood stores.
 
I restocked with electrolyte drinks and coconut juice. It seems to help me. Going to pick up some Linseed oil today.
I'm finally sleeping, but having horrendous dreams… although they do point to my recent reality for some time but take place in my youth as an adult and I can't escape.

I'm feeling a little better now, but still really slow. I'm going to pick up some Natto K. I heard it's good for pain and circulation. Ninae, good idea on the fruit, for Vit C. Bananas are helpful for potassium. Which might be obvious, but just mention it. I eat one every day no matter what.
Opiods can alter calcium and potassium levels. I'm not sure about benzo, but I bet they alter a lot…
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top