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Septsober - The September gettn and stayn sober thread 2014

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I don't really get a buzz off it - I mean I only take 1mg at a time. Benzo's scurr me, lol. Says the girl who used to do like 10 speedballs a day...

anyway... this is my first day no dope no methadone no nada. I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself (i'm pretty sick) and thinking about how all I need to do is hop in the car and drive 20 minutes and I could feel so much better... and then I was like no, FUCK that. Not today. I can't speak for tomorrow or next week, but I'm not caving on my first fucking day like a fucking weak ass pussy. People go through WAY harder things than sitting in a comfy apt listening to music watching tv eating muffins drinking Starbucks and going through some mild withdrawal.

I mean how do I know it won't get better if I don't see it through? If I give it two weeks or three months or nine months and I am STILL miserable, ok, maybe decide to go back on dope, fine. But quit before you even start? What kind of pussy ass shit is that?

NO.

No drugs today. I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow.

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I seriously hate my life. This job I was supposed to get fell through and my car broke down yesterday, and I just found out it can't be fixed without paying a ridiculous amount of money. So I don't have a car anymore. Granted, that makes it harder to cop, so maybe it's a good thing... but still. It feels like my whole entire life just fucking fell apart. It's basically the absolute LAST thing I need while I'm trying to get clean...

fuck. :(
 
Sorry things are going shitty chick. We're in the same boat, job-wise - the job i got, i did some thinking and realised its just not a good idea. Its too far away for too little money and then add bridge tolls and gas, and the fact that its only for six months... its just not worth it. And it sucks, because i was excited, but... I have to be smart. Its just not the right job :/ i cant settle, i need to find something decent, that i can live off.

I hope things improve for you. Hopefully you can find even a temporary job where you are, maybe save up and then move north on your own? Just an idea.
 
well I'll be saving up for a new car before saving for anything else, haha. I do feel better today though, it was just a shock yesterday. I ended up relapsing. I couldn't even begin to think of a way to solve all my problems and I honestly just wanted to get obliterated and not have to try and think - at all. I don't even feel ashamed about relapsing for once, because honestly, it did help at that point in time. I normally hate nodding, I really do, it's like my least favorite part about it... and I hate to say it but in a strange way it helped and it was an appropriate farewell. Because I'm really done with heroin. I feel like I can peacefully let it go now. I don't even fear the withdrawals that are coming anymore, it doesn't feel like I'm about to go into withdrawal, just like I'm going to be sick for a little bit and I'm prepared to buckle down and do it. The only difference is that I know it's coming.

It's weird, I'm not even upset anymore. It's like I can't help but feel that all of this happened for a reason. When I was walking to the store this morning, I had this huge moment of clarity. I need to save for a car, and to move out, and I need to find a job. None of that is going to happen if I'm strung out all the time. Like, I really need to grow up, it's time. I started thinking about how letting go of heroin feels very similar to letting go of a relationship... it's the same type of desperation, wanting to have it back, etc. It's just that with heroin, you CAN go back and get it. But just like when a relationship is over, it get betters with time once you stop trying to hold on to something you can no longer have and finally let it all go. I'm ready. Without a shred of doubt. I want to start the next chapter of my life, and it's going to go a hell of a lot more smoothly than the last one. The calm *after* the storm, in a way. Besides, not having a car will be GOOD for me. It will make it WAY harder to cop if and/or when I do get that itch, and it's very likely that I'll decide that it's simply not worth the hassle. I've also been wanting to get a bike anyway, and now I can finally get one... and there are so many benefits to riding a bike everywhere. Sure, it's less convenient, but it's also a hell of a lot cheaper, it's good exercise, and I'll be doing my part in helping reduce pollution and save our planet and all that :)

So. Let day one of my brand new amazingly beautiful life begin :)

oh, and I just wanna add - I also prayed this morning on my walk to the store. I prayed to borrow strength to get through all of this, because I didn't have enough of my own. I asked my higher power or who/whatever was listening to stay close by and help carry me through this. It was like 10 minutes later that I had that moment of overwhelming peace and clarity. It was actually a pretty spiritual experience. It's very comforting to know that the universe/God/whatever you want to call it always listens <3
 
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Gotta remember the exercise! Physical activity + Sunshine keeps endorphins flowing
 
Being out in the sun really does help a whole lot. Last year when I got clean I'm pretty sure I spent 90% of my time outside lol and I believe that was a big factor in boosting my mood and even making the detox period a little bit shorter. I'm detoxing again now and am extremely grateful that it's summer and I live in SoCal haha :)
 
xburtonchic said:
I seriously hate my life. This job I was supposed to get fell through and my car broke down yesterday, and I just found out it can't be fixed without paying a ridiculous amount of money. So I don't have a car anymore. Granted, that makes it harder to cop, so maybe it's a good thing... but still. It feels like my whole entire life just fucking fell apart. It's basically the absolute LAST thing I need while I'm trying to get clean...

fuck. :(
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That is how I felt when I was all of the sudden left without a car, but I am now much happier without one. Granted, I rely on public transportation but I think it's better for the earth and it's more cost efficient for me.

Right now try to consider the up side that you're in - as you said it'll make it harder to acquire heroin, and that means you may just well make it this time <3
 
Thanks, yeah I do feel a lot better about my situation now. I do think it will help my recovery a lot, and will help me save money and get exercise and reduce pollution and everything. Anyway, I talked about it in the post I made after that one, haha :)

I just talked to my parents though and they said that as long as I stay clean and show them I'm actively trying to improve my life by looking for a job and stuff, that they'll help me cosign for a new car next month. So that's a good thing too. This next month is going to be a challenge for sure, but I'm just gonna take it day by day... or hour by hour, minute by minute if I have to lol. And I'm getting a new bike this weekend. I plan on using that to get around mostly. I hate public transportation... the waiting for the bus to come and all the weirdos on the bus and worst of all, I can't figure out bus routes for shit and I always get lost.

Yea I have a lot of challenges to overcome and a lot to prove to myself over the next month... Should be interesting at the very least ;)
 
Btw C.H I miss youu!!

edit: my bad for the double post btw. anyway I hate hate hate being stuck at home on a Saturday night... well not necessarily stuck at home, I mean I went to my aunt's with my mom and dad and we BBQ'd, I just mean like... I'm not doing ANYTHING I used to enjoy doing anymore. I've hardly been producing music at all, let alone listening to it which is really kind of tragic, I barely even remember the last show I went to or when it was. idk and I was upset because of my car and not even having a bike to use yet. and I had a ridiculous mood swing right before we left and just got upset about everything for about two hours. I tried to hide it as much as I could but I was sooo upset omg. I don't even know where it came from honestly, it's too early in the game for this to start haha it's day one!! Whatever it was tho, I need to figure it out and get it together... the next few days going cold turkey are going to be tough enough as it is without having to struggle just to stay positive and motivated too!!

Anyway. I'm solidifying this whole deal right now... gonna go and break my last two rigs. They don't sell them around here anymore and it would be a ridiculous mission to attempt to get more... so that will be extra helpful :)
 
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3 weeks tomorrow

im now in the phase of boredome and emoitions coming back. Really have to watch my back the next weeks. After week 6 i think the real recovery will start.

Feel fine, apart from the fact i spent a night in jail last night for some stupid shit...:(
 
Papaverium said:
Whelp..... back to Day 1 for me :/ darn.

how we convinced eachother to do it "one last time".... *sigh*
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I'm truly sorry to hear that:( So you and your boyfriend convinced each other to do it one last time? That's what I was afraid might happen and the reason I say you can only do it solo because its too hard to pair up with someone and try to get clean especially if you were in a relationship with that someone while using, this always happens. Mabye try to do this on your own verii I know you love your boyfriend but you need to worry about yourself for once. I always tell people never to quit in pairs because either someone is lying and still using or this happens and you convince each other that its okay to use just " once". I suppose even by yourself your brain can do that but it's so much easier to get into a conversation like that when your with your partner whom you used to use drugs with. Yoi can have support from your non using friends and family but people who use drugs should be put to the side for the moment at least until you get stronger.
All the best don't fret about it just get back on the wagon.
 
Yeah I don't even have desire to do it now, i Just feel ashamed.... I look at my arms in disgust. >:c

I'd rather stay in school and get my diploma, then get a god job and travel the world, not travel the back lanes lookin' for a fix once I hit rock bottom. That shit is fucked, I never wanna be there. I just started getting my life back together I can't fuck it up now.
 
Yea well follow your dreams your smart enough to follow whatever passion you wish to. Are you still going to meetings? Did you like those still? What about counsling? You may some extra support to keep you from another relapse. Have you ever considered stabilisation centres? In BC the government will pay for you to go to a 30 day rehabilitation centre if you qualify it may be worth a try if your province offers the same services.
If not Bluelight will still be here for support:)
 
So grateful to finally get semi back to me, and not feeling psychotic… Tapering off heroin while working was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, as I chose to not go into a detox unit. I'm out of acute phase withdrawal from Heroin, about 2 weeks. I had 8 years clean prior.

I don't feel any time is ever lost and is useful to actually live and stay sober … and that awareness was always with me when I was using, that recovery exists. Due to that I had an idea of what to do, what to take and with the help of others and folks on Bluelight I' getting myself back on track… Still dragging a lot, dealing with physical pain in spine,,,,, feeling really heavy …. but not high. I'm so tired, I'm kinda just resting as most of the panic is subsiding :)

Things on this island are portable, stay and move around a bit, composted and such … but us humans (well, speak for myself), get one life only… Living it is worth it!
 
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xburtonchic said:
Btw C.H I miss youu!!

edit: my bad for the double post btw. anyway I hate hate hate being stuck at home on a Saturday night... well not necessarily stuck at home, I mean I went to my aunt's with my mom and dad and we BBQ'd, I just mean like... I'm not doing ANYTHING I used to enjoy doing anymore. I've hardly been producing music at all, let alone listening to it which is really kind of tragic, I barely even remember the last show I went to or when it was. idk and I was upset because of my car and not even having a bike to use yet. and I had a ridiculous mood swing right before we left and just got upset about everything for about two hours. I tried to hide it as much as I could but I was sooo upset omg. I don't even know where it came from honestly, it's too early in the game for this to start haha it's day one!! Whatever it was tho, I need to figure it out and get it together... the next few days going cold turkey are going to be tough enough as it is without having to struggle just to stay positive and motivated too!!

Anyway. I'm solidifying this whole deal right now... gonna go and break my last two rigs. They don't sell them around here anymore and it would be a ridiculous mission to attempt to get more... so that will be extra helpful :)
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I miss you too !!

I am currently working on my novel a lot more than music at the moment but definitely get back into it when you're ready! I was really impressed with what you were doing. %)
 
aww thank you :) it really means a lot to me when people like my music. I do want to keep doing it, I definitely plan to. It's just hard for me to focus on anything else I enjoy while I'm in active addiction or the early stages of detox. Especially in detox... in a way while I'm detoxing I feel kind of dissociated from the rest of the world, it's not a pleasant feeling. I wish I could dissociate from myself instead haha.

Oh, speaking of dissociating from yourself, I had my first (that I know of) OBE the other night!! Finally something good came out of my sleep paralysis hah... which is actually something that I developed due to Suboxone and benzo abuse. Anyway one minute I was in sleep paralysis (which I've finally learned to stop panicking over when it happens, which in turn gives me a lot more control over the experience) and I started using the tactics I learned to turn it into an OBE. And the next thing I knew I was at eye level with the top of my door, then I flew down the hallway, into the room where my dogs were sleeping on the bed and flew over them. They looked at me and knew I was there, but it was weird, cuz when I flew into the room where my parents were (I wanted to show them I could fly haha) I couldn't get their attention. After that I couldn't fly anymore either and I woke up back in my bed. BUT IT WAS SO COOL 8o Anyway I just wanted to share that haha

Sooo today as far as detoxing goes, I feel pretty horrible. My anxiety and restlessness are through the roof, a lot of chills and sweating, I'm nauseous and have NO energy to speak of... random pains everywhere. BUT I did break my rigs like I said I was going to. No rigs, no money, no car... hopefully = no heroin. I know that there's always a way, but I just hope that when the cravings hit, I'll be so put off by what a mission it would be to even procure some that I'll just let the moment pass, haha.

I'm glad you're still working on your novel, that's awesome. I've actually been toying with the idea of writing one myself.
 
Just found out my uncle who I tried to help by getting him into detox and rehab only to have him leave early and start using again has now died just this morning. His body was found downtown this morning nobody's knows for sure what happened but he was found with a fresh needle mark so you can guess what probably happened. Poor guy he just couldn't stop I helped him all I could I've given him money to keep him out of alcohol withdrawal and have bought him food helped him get into rehab etc. He just didn't stop I told him too you don't have much time your 50 years old your body is going to give up soon enough. I could sense death was near my grandma even said she smelled death on him previously when he last came around and she thinks its an omen i don't belive in that stuff but I do remember her saying that months ago when he last came around wanting money but I assumed it was from sleeping at graveyards.

Its sad but that's the way the cookie crumbles unfortunately all i can do now is rest assured he is finally at peace. I wish everyone luck in staying sober remember there is so much life we can live happily if we just focus on what's important and stay strong willed.


To my uncle R.I.P. you were a tough guy but alcohol and drugs were too much for you. I hope you and your demons are finally at rest. He leaves behind two sons and plenty of family who cared for him but were helpless to make him happy.
 
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