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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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Hi - thought I'd post here as I very much hope I'll be a success story and a medium term comedown rather than a long term one, but it's been a really bad few weeks. I'm 42, male, been taking MDMA for 24 years on and off. I know all the harm reduction stuff, but it's still all too easy to forget/ignore it. I generally take MDMA/pills about 4 times per year, with a bit of a binge at a festival in the summer usually involving a number of drugs, MDMA / coke / mephedrone etc. Also have a history of mild depression / anxiety, some of which I think has been caused by past drug use but I've always had the view that smoking too much weed has been the main culprit. In recent times it's been well under control through good diet / exercise etc.

So anyway, went to festival nearly a month ago. Was aiming to take it easy but ended up taking 2 pills on Friday, at least 3 pills plus a unknown quantity (big crystal) of MDMA on the Sat and I think another two pills and a few lines of coke on the Sunday. No idea how strong the pills were, but to be honest I've probably taken more than this in the past and just had a really bad comedown for one week, eg the 'normal' comedown one would expect after too much MDMA, bad couple of days midweek where I feel my soul has been sucked out.

This time very different. I felt physically terrible for the first week but the expected depression didn't really hit. Instead had intense brain zaps and vertigo / nausea for a week. Then the depression and crippling brain fog the week after. Intense bursts of anxiety. Stupid forgetfulness - running bath and leaving it to flood, running it again and forgetting to get in. Then having one twice because I forgot that I had actually got in. Compulsive behaviour - felt like I had to get laid and went out looking for sex although I have great partner and don't cheat - very nearly did too, bumping into someone who knew me luckily stopped it happening. Just felt like I was on autopilot.

I read some of the advice on here and some of what I knew anyway and have been loading up with 5HTP / omega 3s etc. Also I quit weed completely. Things did improve to some extent in week 3 - no more zaps and more energy generally. I do feel like I've made a high percentage of recovery, as I had to do some work last week and my mental powers actually seemed quite sharp once I got focused.

But I'm left feeling, well, nothing really at all. Emotionless, bored, uninterested in everything. Been out drinking with friends and had to leave after two pints because everything is just boring and irritating and I feel like I'm not really there, a spectator rather than taking part. Dinner at a friends and I am paralysed by anxiety for no reason at all. I felt like maybe I was low in dopamine as well as serotonin so I tried some l-tyrosine which made me feel much better for a few hours and then led to the worst bout of anxiety so far.

I know it's early days and I'm hoping that things will improve quickly. I was on holiday last week and the strange environment didn't help - hopefully familiar routine and hitting the gym this week / getting back into meditation will get me closer to normality.

I guess I'm posting cos I noticed a lot of these stories are from relative newcomers to MDMA - it can definitely happen out of the blue to a veteran too.
 
well im not veteran but the boredom problem started to fade on my 8th month of my Comedown so you can beat that easy with time.
 
coderbrah said:
Seeing as how things are looking "off" and how music "just is there" I'd definitely agree that this is all derealization.
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Pretty much just continue on with my life as best as I can, as I have been and I guess it will all fade away on its own.
 
Pmz - it will. Derealization is such a terrible feeling but my psychologist and independent research lead me to believe that the vast vast majority of drug induced DR eventually goes away. 9 months felt like a lifetime prison sentence. I promise tho that if you stay positive it will eventually go away.
 
derok said:
well im not veteran but the boredom problem started to fade on my 8th month of my Comedown so you can beat that easy with time.
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Oooh, that's pretty reassuring. My boredom is getting better, but I think it's because I'm at home instead of at Uni having fun, hahaha.
 
It takes a while but is worth it when you recover. Eat well ,exercise really helped me too but basically you just have to wait for your brain to readjust its natural serotonin level and repair any damage. It will heal just like anything else, even broken bones heal and the drain is no different.

Fyi my worst come down was after mixing mdma and coke. I felt physically ill for a week or so afterwards. I felt really flu like with hot flushes and sweats. All that alongside the normal blues you get after pilling.
 
Hey guys,
two month are over and I felt better already. 2 days ago sensory disorder and anxiety fucked me up again. Feels like I more and more go crazy now. Cant focus on objects and even TV is too much motion for me, accompanied by anxious feelings and DR. But good news: Last week i got a feeling like Im nearly fine and I was satisfied about my condition again(first time since my LTC). Hope this feelings come back, cause in the moment i feel bad like as never before...my hope is blown away for the moment :( Anyone experienced a wave beeing this hard? Feeling happy today and sitting at home crying the day after?

@rphilli:
Hey
Im glad your still fine on your way through this :)
Ive red about your problems with apnea. Ive got problems about it, too. What did you do to get rid of it? Did you?
Would be nice to have a restful night again. Was sleeping bad before my LTC, too, but now I think I could need some healthy sleep to get a bit better.


Edit:Anyone thought about hypnosis? Ive hear its a good method to get over anxiety and traumatic events. Could be worth a try...
 
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Deltronpedro said:
Hey guys,
two month are over and I felt better already. 2 days ago sensory disorder and anxiety fucked me up again. Feels like I more and more go crazy now. Cant focus on objects and even TV is too much motion for me, accompanied by anxious feelings and DR. But good news: Last week i got a feeling like Im nearly fine and I was satisfied about my condition again(first time since my LTC). Hope this feelings come back, cause in the moment i feel bad like as never before...my hope is blown away for the moment :( Anyone experienced a wave beeing this hard? Feeling happy today and sitting at home crying the day after?

@rphilli:
Hey
Im glad your still fine on your way through this :)
Ive red about your problems with apnea. Ive got problems about it, too. What did you do to get rid of it? Did you?
Would be nice to have a restful night again. Was sleeping bad before my LTC, too, but now I think I could need some healthy sleep to get a bit better.


Edit:Anyone thought about hypnosis? Ive hear its a good method to get over anxiety and traumatic events. Could be worth a try...
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For sleep problems, you got to get a sleep study, man. Then you get to sleep with a mask on all night that blows air in your face to keep your airway open. I feel soooo much better though. Certain stages of sleep is where your brain repairs and relaxes. I think it may have been a big cause of my LTC because my brain was just more vulnerable.

Thanks for the well wishes! Any symptom I've had the past few weeks has been very mild - ever since I got over my initial sickness with taking Paxil.

I'll just throw this out there. Does anyone recovered or mostly recovered still feel like there is a level of cognition missing? I seem to think so, but maybe it's in my head.
 
ScaredFirstTimer said:
Please elaborate homie.

Also, how are you feeling in general? I'm especially interested in how Lexapro is working for you.
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Sup man. Well it was definitely hard, those women there make it seem so easy but I was constantly shaking and puffing trying to hold a position. At the end I did feel very zen though. Same feeling you get after a 30 minute session of meditating.

To tell you the truth I'm still in survival mode. I have a lot of physical anxiety/feeling unsafe and nervous and my dissasociation is also pretty hard but I do have cracks here and there. I don't know, I kind of forgot how the world works.

Also I had my very first real psychotherapy session today which was pretty good. Going for a mindfulness based cognitive approach.

As for the Lexapro, I'm not yet at the therapeutic dose of 20mg (im at 3 weeks of 15mg). I'm making that final step this weekend. I pretty much don't have any side effects anymore except for low libido which I actually kind of welcome (one less thing to distract me). The Lexapro has definitely been helping but slower than I would have wanted. But I'm also not at the full dose yet. Looks like philly got a bit more lucky at that.
 
rphilli72 said:
For sleep problems, you got to get a sleep study, man. Then you get to sleep with a mask on all night that blows air in your face to keep your airway open. I feel soooo much better though. Certain stages of sleep is where your brain repairs and relaxes. I think it may have been a big cause of my LTC because my brain was just more vulnerable.

Thanks for the well wishes! Any symptom I've had the past few weeks has been very mild - ever since I got over my initial sickness with taking Paxil.

I'll just throw this out there. Does anyone recovered or mostly recovered still feel like there is a level of cognition missing? I seem to think so, but maybe it's in my head.
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I have thought about this. I sleep with my mouth open and I've read that that could be one of the symptoms. Also I sleep really really light and I wake up a lot during the night.
 
@laughingboy,

I certainly don't have the history with MDMA that you do, but I can relate to you as I too just turned 42. I wish you well. Just know that with a LTC we're talking months to a year or more for recovery. I'm approaching 7 months and I'd say that 6 months is a pretty good benchmark for feeling much better although with lingering symptoms. I'd advise stopping drug usage of any kind including alcohol, caffeine, and even nicotine if you smoke. Seems to me you described the symptoms of a LTC - unfortunately.
 
@coderbrah,

You'd have to get a sleep study to know for sure, but waking up frequently either remembered or not is certainly a symptom. That's basically the definition of an apnea. You can't get deep restful sleep because your body oxygen levels drop when you don't breath properly while sleeping causing your brain to keep "waking you up" to get more oxygen. Anything below 90% is bad and mine dropped to 87% during my sleep study. Sleep apnea can cause all sorts of problems including high blood pressure, fatigue, memory problems..etc etc.

If you also are a bad snorer or ever feel like you wake yourself up from snoring, that would be another indication.
 
coderbrah said:
Sup man. Well it was definitely hard, those women there make it seem so easy but I was constantly shaking and puffing trying to hold a position. At the end I did feel very zen though. Same feeling you get after a 30 minute session of meditating.
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Hey coderbrah :)

Yoga is something I've always wanted to try, but have never gotten the chance to.

I hear it's physically exhausting at first, but the benefits in the long term can be enormous - is that an accurate description?

coderbrah said:
To tell you the truth I'm still in survival mode. I have a lot of physical anxiety/feeling unsafe and nervous and my dissasociation is also pretty hard but I do have cracks here and there. I don't know, I kind of forgot how the world works.
Click to expand...

Could the benzodiazepine be contributing to the above symptoms? Are you still using it, or did you decide to quit for good?

Either way, I hate to sound like I have a functioning crystal ball in front of me, but I'm confident you'll get through this. Now let me read your palm - just kidding.

coderbrah said:
Also I had my very first real psychotherapy session today which was pretty good. Going for a mindfulness based cognitive approach.
Click to expand...

Now this (psychotherapy, mindfulness, CBT), I have done many times. It's expensive in the long term, yes (if not insured), however it was the first time ever that I was able to recover from something chronic and very bothersome without having to resort to the use of prescription meds (it was unrelated to my LTC - something I was dealing with since childhood, but I'd rather keep it to myself for now).

Edit - To be more specific, CBT was what helped me recover from the aforementioned health issue. It took about 5 one hour sessions, but, definitely worth it in my opinion.

coderbrah said:
As for the Lexapro, I'm not yet at the therapeutic dose of 20mg (im at 3 weeks of 15mg). I'm making that final step this weekend. I pretty much don't have any side effects anymore except for low libido which I actually kind of welcome (one less thing to distract me). The Lexapro has definitely been helping but slower than I would have wanted. But I'm also not at the full dose yet. Looks like philly got a bit more lucky at that.
Click to expand...

I know from my own experience that this is much easier said than done, but don't give up buddy. I'm rootin' for ya!

I hope you have a wonderful day, take care.
 
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rphilli72 said:
I'll just throw this out there. Does anyone recovered or mostly recovered still feel like there is a level of cognition missing? I seem to think so, but maybe it's in my head.
Click to expand...

Hey rphilli72, c'est moi, bonjour ;-)

That's all I know in French, other than "mange mei briefs."

Anyways, For a couple of years after I recovered, whenever I got really sick from a common virus (flu) or bacterial infection (bronchitis), I would experience what I could only describe as residual brain fog.

At first, it scared the shit out of me because I thought that I was back to square 1. However, after a few days spent recovering from the bacterial infection which I had at the time - which was bronchitis - it was gone. And I don't believe that the use of an antibiotic was responsible for relieving that specific symptom. I mean, I know that it helped to clear my lungs and kill the infection, however, not the LTC symptom of brain fog.

Brain fog for me was easily the worst symptom out of the 20 or so LTC-related symptoms, which I recall because I decided to keep a journal. It caused me a lot of headaches (no pun intended) with respect to being able to function at work, being able to run errands at home, and being able to focus or concentrate in general.

Absolutely horrible symptom, that was.

Anyways, I'm not sure that helps you out much, but I figured it was a good idea to let you know, as it may happen to you in the future (hopefully not though).

Take care anonymous friend (I mean that respectfully), and like coderbrah, I hope you have a wonderful day :)

P.S. - I'm sorry for talking so much. You have like once question and it takes me 500 to 1000 words to reply to it <-- big mouth
 
My boyfriend broke up with me today and kicked me out of his house after yet another massive argument about how my illness is affecting him.

I'm not sad, i'm actually quite relieved. I feel like he was making me so much worse and i feel like me being so unhappy with him is partly the reason i ended up in this mess in the first place. He hasn't respected or supported any of my attempts to get better (he actually once went off on a rant about how I'm wasting my time saving for a counselor and eating healthy/exercising, and how just taking tons of md and coke helped him through his own depression, which is in my opinion just a reckless and arrogant approach) and then complains about the fact that I'm still messed up.

I feel like today is the day that hopefully things start to turn around for the better and i start making some notable strides forward recovery wise. Sorry for totally going off on a tangent on this thread, just needed to vent

edit - he also said i shouldn't waste my time talking to 'losers' on the internet about this. I told him you guys were the only genuine support I've received and that i can do what the fuck i want. I also told him to go fuck himself (:
 
India - I also ended a serious relationship about 7 months in. I think it really helped clear my head for my final push to 100%.
 
As long as you didn't go completely silly with MDMA usage... Like really silly, 10 pills a week for a year ect...

With time you will feel 'normal' again. Took me 6 months- a year TBH.
I was in pretty bad shape by the end of it though so it may be faster for you.

I don't suggest this but I finally gave SSRI's a serious go post last use. It was time TBH and they did at least keep me from bothering with MDMA as I knew it would be completely ineffective. Just that year post stopping having that safety net in knowing that it would be pointless was worth it for me...
Lexapro was mentioned recently in this thread. That was the SSRI I took for 2 years post MD... Also the only drug in that group I got any 'arguable' benifit from. To each their own though. If SSRI's work for someone I'm happy for you. That's a whole different argument that's not really relevant here.

Last thing. 'Normal' is a relitive concept. MDMA can change a persons perception of reality for ever. At the end of an abuse cycle this is easy to forget. Try and consider the positive perception changes and the things that MDMA may have tought you when it was all new, fantastic and everything was a cuddle puddle.

Good luck to anyone going through this... Like so many things in life it just takes time.
I never thought I'd ever escape the MDMA cycle. I had 0 self control with it. I was hopeless.
Took allot of work but I ceased usage for 6 years completely and now am able to have a completely different and more healthy relationship with it.
 
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