• Philosophy and Spirituality
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Threads of Note Socialize
  • P&S Moderators: JackARoe | Cheshire_Kat

Is there something in you that you just can't seem to change?

S

sexNcandy

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 28, 2014
Messages
311
Is there something in you or in your life that you've tried to change for a long time but just never could?

Like a part of the current wiring in your brain that you just can't seem to shake.


I'm not talking about drug addiction, on bluelight people know what that's about. But say for example you have something in you that you dislike, and are always wishing you could stop doing or stop being that way, yet always ending up doing it again? Why can't you change?


"Everything habitual draws an ever tighter net of spiderwebs around us; then we notice that the fibres have become traps, and that we ourselves are sitting in the middle, like a spider that got caught there and must feed on its own blood."
 
Sometimes I exaggerate. Sometimes I use the wrong word, like I'll say apparently, instead of allegedly.

I also keep focusing on the negative aspects, instead of resting, in what positive I have. I am often making excuses, say, to not go home and trip LSD with a friend, because of some pain that I am having that I feel will detract from or make the experience bad, when in reality, whenever I actually have broken down and taken the LSD, it has been like a medicine, and has made me wake up and realize that I am not as bad off as I seem to think I am. It's opened doors. But I keep on wallowing in my pain. Sitting alone, clutching to my daily routine of food, shelter, entertainment/stimulation, and avoiding feeling sick as much as possible. I have a chronic illness. Some call it environmental sickness. Some call it MCS. I can't handle fragrances, pesticides, various chemicals without being messed up. So I avoid people. I live in a bubble. I really need gloves, and a good mask. But sometimes, I think I avoid people too much. I get locked into this negative cycle. Not that I won't be sick with others, but sometimes I just go too far, perhaps, in my isolation, trying to protect myself... That I don't live. And time passes by.

I can't change my DNA. It is damaged, quite possibly, by "agent orange", as my father has recently been confirmed to have had exposure in his time in Vietnam. I do believe that this, coupled with him being 38 when I was conceived (sperm isn't as strong) and being a chain smoker, and my mom 33-34, and who knows what else, may have set me up to be more sensitive to my environment, prone to allergies, inflammation... and contributed to the multiple infections I had to fight, and tumors, and general unhealth, in the ways that I have been. I'm not sure if you would include this in your topic, but it has influence. I wish I could change my DNA, but I can't.

But here again, like your spider trapped in it's own web, perhaps I convince myself... And I get stuck, in some negative cycle. But it is reinforced, daily, by having reactions to my environment. By my touching a door handle or basket at a grocery store that some lady who was wearing scented lotion or perfume was touching or handling before, and now it's on my hand, and on my keys, phone, my steering wheel, and on every fucking item that I pick up, because someone had to, according to their limited and deadened sense, "smell nice".

And, anger. I get angry a lot. And my anger causes physical pain in my chest, if it grows enough. Yet sometimes, I let it fly, and then reach that point again where my chest hurts.
 
Last edited:
Noodle said:
I can't stop thinking about sex.

/male
Click to expand...

=D

The things that I can't change about myself that I can't change are as follows:

1. Addictive personality
2. Too soft hearted
3. Too trusting


I will some some more that I can think of but I am off to school now :)
 
^

I used to be there.

Then I bought a broom for flying over fickle fuckwits.


( excuse my French )


:)
 
^I do get upset, frustrated and mad, but after sometime, I would feel sorry for the person, specially if I am fully aware that the person is having some difficulties. It's the understanding and the pity that always wins. i can't get mad that long.

I would also like to add that I have a problem with spending too much money whether it is buying food, clothes or just about anything.
 
Can you be more specific? I can't change that I want food and sex, that I question everything, that I procrastinate and knowledge i've acquired.There are certain things I can no longer ignore like my ego, human nature and skeptical views and that urks me.
 
Lost Ego said:
Can you be more specific? I can't change that I want food and sex, that I question everything, that I procrastinate and knowledge i've acquired.There are certain things I can no longer ignore like my ego, human nature and skeptical views and that urks me.
Click to expand...


Of course you can't change your basic biology, but why can't you change procrastination?

That's exactly what I wanted to discuss.

It's not a permanent part of your brain, just a choice of method in doing things. If you had been raised all your life in a military boot camp, you surely wouldn't be a procrastinator. You might be doing this for so long that you feel helpless, but surely if you wanted bad enough to change your routine, organize yourself better and stick to it you could stop procrastinating?

I have problems like this myself and am struggling to understand why it can be so hard sometimes to change what feels like the current "hard wiring" in our brain. It doesn't seem that hard in the beginning sometimes, you convince yourself it's going to be easy, but as the days come and go you find yourself drifting to old patterns... how to break through?
 
1) procrastination:!
2) underactive motivation gland:!
3) inability to make decisions based on the fact that I can usually see all sides8)
 
my need to alter my emotional and physical state with intoxicants

...imagine this is fairly common across the site

:|

...some other things I will not disclose here on a public forum

:)
 
herbavore said:
2) underactive motivation gland:!
Click to expand...

what???

Noodle said:
my need to alter my emotional and physical state with intoxicants

...imagine this is fairly common across the site

:|

...some other things I will not disclose here on a public forum

:)
Click to expand...


yea thats just about 99% of bluelighters aye.. except the few of us who have moved past it for good and are living it sober
 
1) Procrastination.
2) An OCD habit where I mutter random words under my breath whenever I faux pas (which is frequently), or remember doing it, but that started when I was eleven after being emotionally abused.
3) De-fucking-pression. Well I can change it but it's extremely difficult.
4) Cannot stop with the existential thoughts, pondering the true nature of reality, consciousness and so on.
5) Perfectionism.

Probably heaps more I'm not remembering.
 
- staying up late even if I'm so tired I could go to sleep much earlier
- procrastination
- worrying. about. so. many. pointless. things.
- wasting too much free time online
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
There's not much about me that I like, but it's me and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Click to expand...

From a book by sterling hayden

"They never taught wandering in any school I attended. They never taught the art of sailing a vessel, either. Or that of writing a book. It's all so mysterious and - yes- enchanting. And that is what I suppose this book is all about. For whatever its merits, I would like to think that there is just as much of frustration and failure (call it lostness if you will) as there is of the free-swinging, far-rolling time when, however rough the going, you have the feeling, F*** it! I wouldn't swap places with anyone else for anything on this earth.
Which is how I feel now, aged sixty-one and still more or less broke, slowing down in some ways and picking up steam in others, still with a roller skate on one foot and an ice skate on the other, yet only too well aware of the wisdom of the words,
"...But I think he swaggered
So he could pretend
the other side of Nowhere
Led Somewhere in the end."
_H. Sewall Bailey"


I often feel like that as well, wouldn't swap places with anyone else
 
Accepting responsibility for my life.

This is the root of all my issues, i don't want to accept the insignificance of myself.. and i will continue to procrastinate and escape through music, media, sex, drugs, travel and as many distractions i can find at my disposal until it completely consumes and destroys me.. and then i will know peace.
 
Last edited:
Foreigner said:
- staying up late even if I'm so tired I could go to sleep much earlier
- procrastination
- worrying. about. so. many. pointless. things.
- wasting too much free time online
Click to expand...


regarding the last one;

ymmv imo


I see that point, but I also see this medium as a connection to people, places, ideas, and beliefs that can inform in a multitude of ways.

Practical physical needs and concerns left at the wayside definitely catch up to a mind and soul focused on the ephemeral.


:)
 
Depression that is either dormant or horribly active.

Can't and don't have any desire to ever quite using Cannabis/THC & CBD and the other CBx's that create the unique spectrum of effects in the high which quality marijuana provides. Sometimes, hense SOMETIMES, mid-grade seedless buds aren't too bad for those with anxiety/panic attacks/SAD, GAD whatever, because they have lower THC levels and higher CBD's and other soothing CBx's like CBC (contributes to analgesic effects of MMJ) and many others yet to be understood.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top