• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Mental Health PTSD/Suicidal using Amitriptyline, Mirtazapine and Olanzipine

westhill, contact MAPS about the studies they are doing with veterans and PTSD. They are having amazing results without the drug soup you have been put on.

Here is one way that you could look at what you are experiencing:

You are now in a war with yourself and you have internalized the enemy--thus the desire to end life. You saw the worst that life can be--humans at their cruelest, inflicting pain, enduring pain. Now you are plopped back into the bright and shiny life of your home country and expected to simply forget what you saw, to "move on". How is that even possible? I think that the only way that we can encompass the trauma of seeing the depths of depravity that life can be is to acknowledge that this darkness exists, just as light and beauty and kindness do, inside of each of us. You were forced by circumstances and setting to keep your eyes open to the very real hell that life can be. It will be quite a journey to trust that joy and compassion and peace coexisted with the hell you were in and that they continue to be available to you. Trust in yourself, trust in compassion--these are what will lead you out of the crushing feelings you are having now. It is no quick fix but as englishlady said, take small steps in this direction and recognize when you have taken them.

Are there any veteran's services available to you? My husband is a combat veteran and I know that he carries many scars. Meditation and the practice of mindfulness can be very empowering and bring you the peace of acceptance in what is. You cannot change the past--but in the present you can choose to not carry it as a weapon that you use against yourself. Let the past inform you--feel remorse but let go of any guilt, feel sadness when it arises but notice joy--even the smallest moment--when it arises as well.I wish you strength and compassion for yourself. You are not the enemy and you do not need to die. Nurture yourself as if you were nurturing a friend in need.<3
 
Just checking in with you westhill -- fascinating post by Herb above. As a war vet you simply must be due lots of help. If you dont know or want some help researching, just let me know. I would be happy to help find what there is for you.

Hope by now you have had a good meal, do let us know how you are doing.

Very best to you.

Julie
 
Last edited:
Hi Westhill -- Just checking in with you again, hope you are still hanging on and taking each breath one at a time. Maybe you have had time to go sit in the sun again today, I imagine you sitting on a park bench, tilting your head back and shutting your eyes and feeling the warmth on your face.

Please say hello again to us all.

Very best wishes
 
Hi herb, englishlady adlib and all the others who replied. Thankyou for all your advice and hekpful comments.
Still hanging on. Problems with transport/delivery of bed/food etc so sitting in empty accommodation, but at least it's somewhere. Just sitting inside for couple of days, don't really want to go anywhere...even though the sun is shining. Just me and my thoughts, some good...mostly bad. Very up and down, don't know who I am anymore and feel like I have gone insane. My reality isn't very nice and everything in me wants to escape it, but I still hold on...I am very tired though.
I hope you all have a good weekend this Easter :-)
 
Hi Westhill -- sorry to learn of the delay of deliveries to you. but least you are not on the pavement. my own experience is that me alone with my thoughts was not a good thing. even just walking down the street for a newspaper (which often I did not read, made me feel better, just a little bit.

Everyone changes, life and its events changes us. We all change. You have not gone insane you have endured what most people cannot imagine in their worst nightmare. And it is a testament to you that you have survived and are still with us.

I understand the exhaustion. All I ever looked forward to was sleep, and that was with massive doses of pills. I was always angry when I woke up to yet another day without my beloved.

The first doctor I went to recognized immediately that I was not sleeping and gave me strong meds to make sure I did. i hope yours has done the same. it goes give the poor brain some respite.

All public holidays just wash over me now, i think it is Easter though. Are you eating ? When did you last eat ? Please tell us more about how you are coping. Can you have a hot shower? That is always invigorating.

Hoping to hear back from you.
 
englishlady said:
Hi Westhill -- sorry to learn of the delay of deliveries to you. but least you are not on the pavement. my own experience is that me alone with my thoughts was not a good thing. even just walking down the street for a newspaper (which often I did not read, made me feel better, just a little bit.

Everyone changes, life and its events changes us. We all change. You have not gone insane you have endured what most people cannot imagine in their worst nightmare. And it is a testament to you that you have survived and are still with us.

I understand the exhaustion. All I ever looked forward to was sleep, and that was with massive doses of pills. I was always angry when I woke up to yet another day without my beloved.

The first doctor I went to recognized immediately that I was not sleeping and gave me strong meds to make sure I did. i hope yours has done the same. it goes give the poor brain some respite.

All public holidays just wash over me now, i think it is Easter though. Are you eating ? When did you last eat ? Please tell us more about how you are coping. Can you have a hot shower? That is always invigorating.

Hoping to hear back from you.
Click to expand...

Hi Julie,
I am eating salad vegetables, bread and fruit...don't have a cooker/microwave etc yet, at least my body is healthy even if my mind isn't :-)
Olanzipine has been increased to 20mg...
So I now take
Amitriptyline 350mg
Olanzipine 20mg
Mirtazapine 60mg...
I take these all at once at night and they don't seem to work anymore. I have been told that I have so much tension/trauma within me that the drugs are unable to overcome it and that these amounts would knockout an average person. However, i have been informed it is impossible to increase these drug levels any further (allegedly).

I am so, so tired and think I'll increase and take 100mg olanzapine, 500mg amitriptyline and the usual 60mg mirtazapine tonight so I can get some sleep. I just want to drown everything out for a few hours.

I had a hot bath and lay there listening to some relaxation/meditation music (via internet on my phone...my only contact with outside world). It was nice to freshen myself up but didn't make me feel full of the joys of spring...im a miserable so and so, aren't I? :-)

I am currently sitting on a camp bed in the dark listening to the silence, but my mind quickly takes me back to when life was normal. I miss my family although they don't miss me, I became a demon after the war and they didn't recognise me anymore. I destroyed everything, I had a great life but destroyed it all. I wonder if I am drowning in self pity or if I am fully justified in feeling sorry for myself?

You see, pain is easy to deal with by ending your life. I have seen much death and am not afraid of it, in fact it became normal for a while. Maybe I just don't have the energy to live, in fact most nights I pray, really, that I would die. I really really just want to leave this existence. I don't believe in 'hell' after death but I sure as hell (see what i did there?) believe in a 'living hell'....I am in it. Death would release me from hell and allow me to enter a different dimension where hopefully pain does not exist. Maybe that's my destiny anyway.

Besides, I have learnt a lesson in this life...it is this:
A soldier who cares about life will suffer from Ptsd and will eventually kill himself after seeing the horror of what he has done and witnessed.
A soldier who does not care about life will kill and be unaffected by his memories of what he has done and witnessed, he will never suffer from ptsd...he is a psychopath.
This old soldier is very tired, alone and depressed. He sees the faces of lives he destroyed...every single day, whether awake or asleep. He wishes to go to sleep and rest in peace.
 
So good to hear from you westhill, a nice long hot soak in the bath does wonders. The meditation music sounds a great idea and no, you are not a miserable old so-and-so. Far from it.

I would say you are better to go down the route of perhaps trying natural remedies rather than increase your intake of scripted meds without the shrinks say so. I found that Valerian, Passion Fruit and Hops an unexpectedly potent combination which knocked me out within an hour. And I have always been a very light sleeper. That was when I came off the scripted sleep meds. I am not familiar with any of the meds you are on except for Mirtazipine -- which did work for me but made me crave sweet foods.

Are any of the meds you are on designed to help you relax and actually sleep? I hope so.

I bet your family do miss you, and very much indeed. And that great life you have could be yours once again. You are obviously a very good man who has been through hell and back. It would be hard for your family to understand the extent of that and I am ssure you would not wish to put them through that trauma as well.

You should feel sorry for what you have been forced to endure, of course you should. It is inevitable after what you have gone through. But others have suffered also. Having said that, everyones' experience will be different -- as will their reactions.

Did you read the post from another ex-services guy who is also suffering from PTSD ? It is on your thread. I wonder how similar your experiences are? Maybe it would help you both if you exchanged information with each other? Who knows, maybe he is someone you know already from the services? Perhaps he is from the same area?

None of us knows what awaits after death, but I know precisely what you mean by saying you are in hell already. And something I learned while volunteering at a charity shop was that however bad we think we are, there are thousands, if not millions worldwide, who are worse off than us. Little consolation I know, but utterly true and worth thinking about.

When we lived in Thailand, there was a boy, a young teenager we had heard tell of, but yet never seen him. He lost both his legs above mid thigh to land mines. He had taught himself to walk on his hands only. He kept out of the way of tourists and foreigners called 'farangs' and had a very difficult life indeed. But by all accounts he coped well.

At the end of the day you were a soldier who did his job. Every soldier will have a different reaction I am sure. And I am guessing that any who actually enjoyed it, or thought they would, were in for a horrible awakening when the realities of it started. Just be glad it is over for you. It is all in your past.

Now you need to concentrate on yourself, being kind to yourself, and allowing people to be kind to you. You deserve it. I promise you things will get better. You cant see it now as you are in the middle of the woods, looking all around you, but you cannot see the whole woods, only the trees near you. Please give yourself a chance. You deserve that.

Depression is exhausting, I know. Sleep is a respite and welcome. But when you see the sun in the morning, try to be kind to yourself and recognize that it is a brand new day, not like your yesterdays, and with many possibilities. All you have to do is go and find them.

Take care and please keep on checking in -- we are all rooting for you.
 
Last edited:
englishlady said:
So good to hear from you westhill, a nice long hot soak in the bath does wonders. The meditation music sounds a great idea and no, you are not a miserable old so-and-so. Far from it.

I would say you are better to go down the route of perhaps trying natural remedies rather than increase your intake of scripted meds without the shrinks say so. I found that Valerian, Passion Fruit and Hops an unexpectedly potent combination which knocked me out within an hour. And I have always been a very light sleeper. That was when I came off the scripted sleep meds. I am not familiar with any of the meds you are on except for Mirtazipine -- which did work for me but made me crave sweet foods.

Are any of the meds you are on designed to help you relax and actually sleep? I hope so.

I bet your family do miss you, and very much indeed. And that great life you have could be yours once again. You are obviously a very good man who has been through hell and back. It would be hard for your family to understand the extent of that and I am ssure you would not wish to put them through that trauma as well.

You should feel sorry for what you have been forced to endure, of course you should. It is inevitable after what you have gone through. But others have suffered also. Having said that, everyones' experience will be different -- as will their reactions.

Did you read the post from another ex-services guy who is also suffering from PTSD ? It is on your thread. I wonder how similar your experiences are? Maybe it would help you both if you exchanged information with each other? Who knows, maybe he is someone you know already from the services? Perhaps he is from the same area?

None of us knows what awaits after death, but I know precisely what you mean by saying you are in hell already. And something I learned while volunteering at a charity shop was that however bad we think we are, there are thousands, if not millions worldwide, who are worse off than us. Little consolation I know, but utterly true and worth thinking about.

When we lived in Thailand, there was a boy, a young teenager we had heard tell of, but yet never seen him. He lost both his legs above mid thigh to land mines. He had taught himself to walk on his hands only. He kept out of the way of tourists and foreigners called 'farangs' and had a very difficult life indeed. But by all accounts he coped well.

At the end of the day you were a soldier who did his job. Every soldier will have a different reaction I am sure. And I am guessing that any who actually enjoyed it, or thought they would, were in for a horrible awakening when the realities of it started. Just be glad it is over for you. It is all in your past.

Now you need to concentrate on yourself, being kind to yourself, and allowing people to be kind to you. You deserve it. I promise you things will get better. You cant see it now as you are in the middle of the woods, looking all around you, but you cannot see the whole woods, only the trees near you. Please give yourself a chance. You deserve that.

Depression is exhausting, I know. Sleep is a respite and welcome. But when you see the sun in the morning, try to be kind to yourself and recognize that it is a brand new day, not like your yesterdays, and with many possibilities. All you have to do is go and find them.

Take care and please keep on checking in -- we are all rooting for you.
Click to expand...

Hi englishlady,
I understand everything you are saying, I really do...it all should make perfect sense...but it just doesn't seem to go in anymore. Btw, regarding your last post I was in contact via pm with the other person with ptsd on this thread a few days ago.
I laid here all day today staring at the ceiling in this room and wondered why the hell I didn't end it days ago. There we have it, I don't have much to say anymore. Thank you for all your help, you've been very kindhearted.
 
Hi Westhill -- That is precisely why laying around and dwelling on the past is so bad for someone in your position. The past is just that -- behind you, gone, -- and you are going to have to push it back in its place each and every time it creeps in to your here and how.

I know this sounds trite, but picking up an old interest, or starting a new one, will take your mind off festering on the past and bring you into contact with new people. I know you are going to have to force yourself to do it, but I promise you will feel better for it afterwards.

Glad u figured out the PM system. Keep breathing in and out. Keep in touch.

J
 
Hey, Westhill. I know how terrible guilt can be. Forgiving yourself may seem impossible but it is the way forward. Pretend that you are talking to another vet. He is describing how he killed people, how he cannot fathom how he can ever live a normal life with this reality in his head. What would you tell him? Those voices in your head that call you a monster need to be told to shut up. Treat yourself with the compassion you would treat another vet telling you how he or she felt.

If you are a Viet Nam vet, you have been living with this nightmare for a long, long time. If you fought in the mid-east it will be fresher. Either way, you do not have to carry this guilt alone. Whether you joined or were drafted, whether you believed in the mission or not, you did what you had to do at the time with the mind-set that you were trained to have. I have been a peace activist for over 40 years but I would never blame a veteran. I blame my government and I blame the culture of fear that we are all born into.

Please be well and know that many people beyond this forum share the burden of what you have gone through. Much love and hope being sent your way from me.
 
Hi herbavore and englishlady et al, thanks for your helpful posts. I am not vam vet, was Iraq...hundreds of combat missions in several tours. Spent few years in SF's. Got headscrewed with every ambush. Apologies for not being in touch for a while...been drinking heavily which is not good on these meds. Thing is, it doesn't drown it out. For example, 4 pints of beer, 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of rum in the space of a few hours yesterday...with the pills...didn't stop the dreams. Am sober at the minute and quite realistic that death is good for me. Every moment is just filled with wanting to end it.
Went to a church for some reason...probably to find some kind of peace today...felt nothing but pain...sadness really. Left and went to the railway line...watched the trains speeding past at 100mph, felt happy to die...the sadness had suddenly gone, felt great that this would be my last day on this shit earth.
Sun on my face, blue sky...step in front of train and the end. Was so close to taking those few quick steps onto the track. Saw the drivers faces as each train went past and then saw a female face....realised my impact on the next train cab would fuck up the driver's lives forever.
Came back to my place and thought screw it, I'll just hang myself. Have practised with partial suspension with pressure from belt on cartoid artery...discovered is very pleasant way to go. Tingling sensation, feels like going deaf, white lights expolding in eyes and a feeing of peace just before going unconscious in about 10 seconds. It's definitely the way I'll go now when it's time. Now, dont panic and shit like that, I'm just saying how my day was...must admit it wasn't full of laughter.
Now I know all the advice about counselling, etc etc. I have tried over these last few years, I really have. Forces charities etc have been in touch and I appreciate it and am thankful. I just don't want to live anymore. Why is it so shit?
 
Last edited:
Hi Westhill

I have been following this thread and I am in awe of your strength and have massive respect for you.
You did what you thought was the right thing at the time.
Who can blame you for that.
I have respect for veterans who have fought in wars.
I don't see them as evil people, I see the system as evil.
I can see from your posts that you are not a psychopathic soldier.
You seem a very strong and good man.
I am looking forward to hearing from you again on this thread.
Please reach out to other ex-servicemen, you could all really use each others support.
I think any sort of hanging would be a really awful way to go.
There is a good chance you could just cause damage to yourself and end up disabled permanently or paralyzed.
You don't deserve that.
Keep posting.
One day, one hour, one moment at a time.
 
Wow i have never heard of anyone being on that high of a dose of amitriptyline. I topped out at the max recommended dose of 150mg's a day. 350mg's seems insane so it's no wonder pharmacists look at it funny especially taking it with 60mg's of mirtazapine. The max recommended dose of mirtazapine is 45mg's a day with the usual dose being 30mg's a day. Your olanzapine dose is well within normal range. You are no doubt at a higher risk for developing heart problems because of that dose of amitriptyline. I would really suggest talking to your doctor about that.
 
Hi Westhill

I just popped back on the thread to see how you are.
I hope you can get through this horrible time.
You don't know how strong you are.
I know that no one but soldiers can understand the situation in your head regarding the combat, but I am still interested in how you are getting on.
I think soldiers that get PTSD are caring people. Soldiers have no choice but to follow orders, and they put their own lives at risk. I don't blame you one bit because you thought you were doing the best thing at the time.
You have remorse which is clear to see, but you should not torture yourself with guilt.
Please come back on this thread and keep posting, we are all rooting for you here.
EDITed to add http://www.combatstress.org.uk/
 
Last edited:
Westhill, how to end the war that continues inside? That is the reality for combat veterans of every war as well as for the people that were just trying to live their lives in a country where war came to them. The exhaustion from your daily battles is crushing. Kindness and compassion are the only real healers--the kind you showed when you thought about the driver of the train. That is the only antidote. It takes such courage to feel. You may feel defeated by this but you are not.<3
 
Addendum: I would come home from shopping and never know if I would find him hanging from some door or beam. That was a nightmare which still comes back sometimes when I am out, even almost 5 years on.
 
Last edited:
Hi westhill

If you don't want to say where you are, pm us.
Don't let the system kill another of our great men who risked their lives.
Your life is really worth saving.
You fellow vets need you and you need them.
There is loads of help for combat stress online.
I looked at the combat stress website and saw devastated ex servicemen making a new meaningful life for themselves.
Above all, allow your self to grieve. Grief is very human and normal, especially in situations like yours.

Keep posting back.
 
A PM would always be welcome -- did not realize my box was full (only 5 in it) but it is empty now, so fire away.

I am guessing your are a Yorkshire man or somewhere in that region. Dont worry we are not going to descend on you en-masse!

3dmusic has hit the nail on the head. You are a great man who put his life on the line for all of us back home.

PLEASE be kind to yourself for all of us, if not for yourself.

And please let us know you are ok.

With all very best wishes


Julie

PS Posted a long reply to you which seems to have disappeared. I will go and hunt for it.
 
Last edited:
paranoid android said:
Wow i have never heard of anyone being on that high of a dose of amitriptyline. I topped out at the max recommended dose of 150mg's a day. 350mg's seems insane so it's no wonder pharmacists look at it funny especially taking it with 60mg's of mirtazapine. The max recommended dose of mirtazapine is 45mg's a day with the usual dose being 30mg's a day. Your olanzapine dose is well within normal range. You are no doubt at a higher risk for developing heart problems because of that dose of amitriptyline. I would really suggest talking to your doctor about that.
Click to expand...
I sure am over the max levels, bp screwed, palpitations, blurred vision etc etc. Last time saw doc was told end of line, nowhere to go with any further med combo's...apart from maxing out over rec'd levels. Others who know about meds have also told me the meds are seriously going to kill me...seems therefore doc wants to keep me alive at cost of physical health seeing as suicide is unhealthy for the records? I really dont think these pills are helping me at all?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top