Mental Health PTSD/Suicidal using Amitriptyline, Mirtazapine and Olanzipine

[westhill]

Hi, not sure if this is in the right place, but here goes: (replies appreciated)
Diagnosed with Ptsd and severe depression after several tours of Iraq. Saw a lot of bad stuff.
Been through many perscription drugs and ended up on the following which I take each day:
Amitriptyline 350mg
Mirtazapine 60mg
Olanzapine 10mg.
Some pharmacies crap themselves and phone my doctor to ensure the dose on the perscription is correct...this made me realise that I am probably on a high toxic amount. It affects my heart/blood pressure and makes me feel faint etc etc. Seems the max amitriptyline is 250mg but I take 350mg and the max Mirtazapine is 45mg but I take 60mg?
Problem is this...it doesn't work anymore (been taking this mix for over a year) and I understand that there is not much hope for people such as myself (ie suicides amongst those who served in iraq now outnumber the total deaths of those killed in action...think it's about 80 ex troops suicides a day this year so far).
Do you think I could self medicate and increase the amitriptyline to 450mg as a way of boosting the Mirtazapine effect as I am aware these two compliment each other? I realise I am approaching overdose levels, but nothing to loose really.
Advice very welcome friends

 

[T. Calderone]

Don't change your dosage on your own. Talk with your doctor and see what he thinks because if you're still feeling suicidal, this med mix is not working optimally. That amount of mirtazapine is not typical but your circumstances aren't typical either, 60 mg dosage is not unheard of. But I think that is really a high amount of amitriptyline. Let your doctor know how you're feeling.


(Moving to Mental Health)

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Hey there,

I would definitely reiterate the above suggestion(s). If your psychiatrist doesn't want to change your meds you're always welcome to find another one.

 

[westhill]

Hi,
Thanks for moving thread to right place. Massive cutbacks here in UK, shrink is on leave...probably due to stress lol. Suicide is just part of what I have, I see it as a valid option and understand why it is used by ptsd sufferers...most other options don't work.
Guessing that near maxed on the Amitriptyline due to a prolonged QT signal on my heart trace and lowered white cell count...liver getting screwed too. Bp probs etc etc. Stopped going for the heart traces etc last year because I already knew the outcome, however, I think I can increase the envelope a little.
Began throwing 2 bottles of wine a day down my neck with the pills for a while to kill the pain, made it worse...knocked that on the head.
Looks like I reached the end of the line perscription medication wise and wondered if anyone else has been on this train too? Not concerned about topping myself today, but would be nice to see if anyone else made it using a mixture of what I take...or in fact any pills for ptsd.
I think you are correct about the amitriptyline and it could cause further problems at anything over 450/500mg. However, I have accidently taken twice my daily dose in the past...700mg made me sleep very well and didn't cause me too many problems, so thought maybe increasing to 450/500mg daily would just take the edge off for a few days/week or two.
Jury's out on this atm

 

[westhill]

Right, just read the forum guidelines (new here) and see that you cant advise about self medication etc. I understand and can also see why referral back to health professional is good form and has already been given, thankyou .(I would include your posts above but dont know how to in this post...not very savvy tech wise).
I'll go ahead and increase to 450mg Amitriptyline just to get a night without screaming down the place.
Now, I would be very interested if anyone, or if anyone is aware of someone who actually recovered from combat PTSD? or am I barking up a catflap? Thanks

 

[mr druggles]

Right, just read the forum guidelines (new here) and see that you cant advise about self medication etc. I understand and can also see why referral back to health professional is good form and has already been given, thankyou .(I would include your posts above but dont know how to in this post...not very savvy tech wise).
I'll go ahead and increase to 450mg Amitriptyline just to get a night without screaming down the place.
Now, I would be very interested if anyone, or if anyone is aware of someone who actually recovered from combat PTSD? or am I barking up a catflap? Thanks

Some combat ptsd sufferers do recover im not sure what the percentage is though btw I have ptsd but its only mild thank god

 

[englishlady]

westhill -- I truly feel for you. Please dont give up -- it will get better than you think -- but it takes time. In my experience, time just distances us from the horrors, rather than actually healing.

I endured PTSD when my other half took his own life in front of me. That was three years ago. I dont think that counts as 'combat' PTSD
which must be so much more horrific.

All I can do is tell you what worked for me. Initially, talk therapy. It was not formal, just talking to a friend ad-nauseam about what happened. This went on for months. In between that, just concentrating on breathing in and breathing out was all I could do. I joined some online groups where I could 'talk' too. That was helpful in some ways too. I cried for about 4 months -- morning noon and all night. It is a natural release so dont hold it back.

Do you have someone to talk it through with? If not, you are free to PM me any time for a listening ear. It sounds trivial, but it was the most useful of all (but I did not know it at the time). Your loved ones will be more helpful than you can imagine if you tell them.

I tried shrinks, paid and unpaid via doctors, but it was clear they didn't give a damn. Instead of helping to heal, it felt like they were picking a healing scab open. In my experience hopeless, but it may help you. Have you considered it?

I am so sorry not to have been of more help, if you have any relatives at all, keep going for them. I wish you the strength to do it. Please keep posting here if it helps you.

Very kind wishes to you.

 

[englishlady]

hi westhill -- Sorry, forgot to say that I was on 45mg of Mirtazipine nightly. Higher doses are known. I suffered from a very strange side effect -- 'eat walking' as opposed to 'sleep walking'.

First time I saw all the cake, biscuits wrappers strewn around in the morning, thought I had been burgled. Packed on many pounds over a short period, so watch out for this 'sweet tooth' created by Mirt.

I cant speak to the other meds you are on. My doc tried about five different ones, with agonizing 1 month waits between each to see "if they worked". None did, but Mirt got the closest.

I hope you reply. Best wishes.

 

[westhill]

hi westhill -- Sorry, forgot to say that I was on 45mg of Mirtazipine nightly. Higher doses are known. I suffered from a very strange side effect -- 'eat walking' as opposed to 'sleep walking'.

First time I saw all the cake, biscuits wrappers strewn around in the morning, thought I had been burgled. Packed on many pounds over a short period, so watch out for this 'sweet tooth' created by Mirt.

I cant speak to the other meds you are on. My doc tried about five different ones, with agonizing 1 month waits between each to see "if they worked". None did, but Mirt got the closest.

I hope you reply. Best wishes.

Hi, thankyou for your reply. Saw the shrink, wants to increase one of the drugs. Seems counselling wasnt an option due to me being too traumatised. Glad you feel better these days and sorry to read of your pain. Suicide should be done with minimal impact on others, e.g train at night.
My problem is that I really have reached the end of a very long and painful road. I read about how it's all going to get better, but I have fought this for couple years now and am very very tired.
I must admit that I could just end it in the next few days, really. Promised shrink I wouldnt, have emergency phone numbers if I feel like it blah blah blah. I may break the promise.
I have driven away my family and friends, I lost everything and ended up homeless. I spend everyday in tears and am trapped in a living nightmare of memories. I don't feel alive, I am dead already. I don't feel sorry for myself, just pain.
Drugs aren't working, nothing will.
Not even sure what the hell im doing writing here.

 

[englishlady]

westhill so glad to hear from you. I've been thinking about you a great deal. It sounds as though you have really been through the mill and back again, I am so sorry for all that you have suffered. Yes, the horror has receded for me but I still think about it daily and especially at night.

I never had faith it would get better or improve in any way, and while it hasn't really, it has moved back away from me in the past, so is not quite so raw.

It is a truly exhausting road, I understand how you feel. Are you sleeping at night? It took me 4 years to even begin to be able to stop crying and function in any way at all, so please do give yourself time. By taking the ultimate final step you would be disqualifying yourself from ever feeling any better -- ever.

Do you feel your shrink is the right one for you? Do they listen and understand? Which medication did they increase? Sorry to bombard you with questions, but a good man like you should get all the support he can get at this time of crisis.

Your family and friends will forgive you, they just dont understand the enormity of what you are feeling. Are you in a shelter at night? Are you eating? Sorry, such banal questions but sleeping and eating right would help in their own way.

Do you have anyone to talk to about what you are going through? Any others who have been through several tours of Iraq?

I am so sorry for what you are enduring. It must be horrendous, and it is a testament to you that you are still with us.

Do you have any kind of religious faith? It seems to help people when they do. I searched every religion known to man, and then afew more and found nothing which helped. But that is just me. People do rely on faith in times like this.

May I ask if you are using alcohol to try to self medicate? I fully get why, but in the end it seems to make things worse.

Which part of the UK are you in? Do you know if there is any other help you could get being an ex soldier in need? I would be happy to research this for you if you dont know.

Please be kind to yourself. You have been through such trauma and horror that you must be kind to you. Give yourself another chance to learn to cope with this horror please.

And please post again. I will be thinking of you.

Very best wishes.

 

[westhill]

westhill so glad to hear from you. I've been thinking about you a great deal. It sounds as though you have really been through the mill and back again, I am so sorry for all that you have suffered. Yes, the horror has receded for me but I still think about it daily and especially at night.

I never had faith it would get better or improve in any way, and while it hasn't really, it has moved back away from me in the past, so is not quite so raw.

It is a truly exhausting road, I understand how you feel. Are you sleeping at night? It took me 4 years to even begin to be able to stop crying and function in any way at all, so please do give yourself time. By taking the ultimate final step you would be disqualifying yourself from ever feeling any better -- ever.

Do you feel your shrink is the right one for you? Do they listen and understand? Which medication did they increase? Sorry to bombard you with questions, but a good man like you should get all the support he can get at this time of crisis.

Your family and friends will forgive you, they just dont understand the enormity of what you are feeling. Are you in a shelter at night? Are you eating? Sorry, such banal questions but sleeping and eating right would help in their own way.

Do you have anyone to talk to about what you are going through? Any others who have been through several tours of Iraq?

I am so sorry for what you are enduring. It must be horrendous, and it is a testament to you that you are still with us.

Do you have any kind of religious faith? It seems to help people when they do. I searched every religion known to man, and then afew more and found nothing which helped. But that is just me. People do rely on faith in times like this.

May I ask if you are using alcohol to try to self medicate? I fully get why, but in the end it seems to make things worse.

Which part of the UK are you in? Do you know if there is any other help you could get being an ex soldier in need? I would be happy to research this for you if you dont know.

Please be kind to yourself. You have been through such trauma and horror that you must be kind to you. Give yourself another chance to learn to cope with this horror please.

And please post again. I will be thinking of you.

Very best wishes.

You need to disconnect from me, I appreciate your words and feel some life in them, however I am thankful you are one if the few left who understand. I cry right now and hear the angels calling my name xxx

 

[westhill]

You need to disconnect from me, I appreciate your words and feel some life in them, however I am thankful you are one if the few left who understand. I cry right now and hear the angels calling my name xxx

I have xxmg of Amitriptyline at hand. I would love to sleep forever. Will god forgive me for entering the next dimension prematurely? I cannot face the trauma of the train driver feeling guilt...od and note on door to police much better and humaine. I don't feel sad, just so alone.

 

[westhill]

This is my own rambling...please bear with.
I have reached the bottom, the absolute. I have seen the horror of war. I only see death in my sleep. I see screaming children. I havent slept without screaming for years. I write this on some anonymous website because I have no family or friends left... I drove them all away. I have no-one and have no hope. I am so, so sad... to be me...and be alive. I write this in tears because the pain I feel can never recover the lives I destroeyed on the name of 'freedom'. I am unworthy to breathe and think it is time yo move on...
I had properties, wealth, what I thought was a happy marriage and now years later I have nothing...just memories of burning flesh.
Fuck it.

 

[ad lib]

Hey -

I know your life is looking bleak right now, but please hold on just a little bit longer. The fact that you are taking the time to post shows that you have a little bit of hope, and to me that's great. It seems like you have lost a lot and have been through a lot, so why not take this as an opportunity to start fresh? Let go of the people who no longer deserve to be in your life. Try to meet new people & start a new life how you want it. If you just stay dormant in your current situation, nothing will change. As corny as this sounds, you need to be the change you want to happen

 

[westhill]

Hey -

I know your life is looking bleak right now, but please hold on just a little bit longer. The fact that you are taking the time to post shows that you have a little bit of hope, and to me that's great. It seems like you have lost a lot and have been through a lot, so why not take this as an opportunity to start fresh? Let go of the people who no longer deserve to be in your life. Try to meet new people & start a new life how you want it. If you just stay dormant in your current situation, nothing will change. As corny as this sounds, you need to be the change you want to happen

Hi,
Thank you for your kind words. I'm holding on...by my fingernails, but holding on.

 

[englishlady]

hi westhill - ad lib is So right. And hanging on by your fingernails is still hanging on -- well done, that is no easy feat. You have lost so much, and been through more than anyone should have to endure. If your friends and family cannot help, then move on from them. Now you are no longer in the services, your life is your own. You can make it whatever you want to be. Of course you are worthy to breathe. Just take time to breathe in and then breathe out. One breath at a time. That is the only way I got through the first year or two.

You are never alone. There must be hundreds if not thousands of ex-servicemen who witnessed the unimaginable. And people here are trying to lift you and pull you back from the brink. Let us help and lean on us when you need to. This forum is a great place to unburden yourself and your mind. Just write and write and write it is a wonderful form of release.

You did not answer about eating a decent diet or where you are staying. Let us know if you can. Write back soon, I always look for your posts. Take care.

 

[ad lib]

Glad to see that you're still here with us westhill We have to find little things to keep us going throughout the day. Sometimes it's hard, trust me, I know, but we have to dig deep within us and open our minds to get it out of us.

How are you doing today?

 

[westhill]

hi westhill - ad lib is So right. And hanging on by your fingernails is still hanging on -- well done, that is no easy feat. You have lost so much, and been through more than anyone should have to endure. If your friends and family cannot help, then move on from them. Now you are no longer in the services, your life is your own. You can make it whatever you want to be. Of course you are worthy to breathe. Just take time to breathe in and then breathe out. One breath at a time. That is the only way I got through the first year or two.

You are never alone. There must be hundreds if not thousands of ex-servicemen who witnessed the unimaginable. And people here are trying to lift you and pull you back from the brink. Let us help and lean on us when you need to. This forum is a great place to unburden yourself and your mind. Just write and write and write it is a wonderful form of release.

You did not answer about eating a decent diet or where you are staying. Let us know if you can. Write back soon, I always look for your posts. Take care.

Hi,
I feel better today and actually enjoyed the sun on my face. I am learning to just get through one hour at a time. The urge to end it is very strong and overwhelming at times...but I will hold on until tomorrow again.
I was homeless since last summer but have literally just been given temporary accommodation, not only that...I had a phone call out of the blue from a charity who are bringing me a bed, some bedding, a microwave so I can eat something warm and a food parcel in the morning. I must admit my diet was non existant and I havent cooked a hot meal for a few weeks now.
I am grateful and actually quite moved to tears with the help I am receiving, both advice on this forum and random acts of kindness from total strangers., thank you
Ps englishlady I was gong to pm you but cant as I don't have enough posts I think. Just want to say thanks to you and ad lib too for your words of support

 

[ad lib]

Hi,
I feel better today and actually enjoyed the sun on my face. I am learning to just get through one hour at a time. The urge to end it is very strong and overwhelming at times...but I will hold on until tomorrow again.
I was homeless since last summer but have literally just been given temporary accommodation, not only that...I had a phone call out of the blue from a charity who are bringing me a bed, some bedding, a microwave so I can eat something warm and a food parcel in the morning. I must admit my diet was non existant and I havent cooked a hot meal for a few weeks now.
I am grateful and actually quite moved to tears with the help I am receiving, both advice on this forum and random acts of kindness from total strangers., thank you
Ps englishlady I was gong to pm you but cant as I don't have enough posts I think. Just want to say thanks to you and ad lib too for your words of support

I am so happy to hear you are feeling better! Random acts of kindness from strangers always make me smile too. A little example of a random act of kindness from a stranger I experienced: my car was stuck in a snow bank this winter and a random stranger came and pushed my car out for me :D it's the little things like that which make me smile. Even a hello or a smile from a complete stranger can brighten my day.

 

[englishlady]

Hello westhill -- So happy that you have found the small things in life which make you happy. Just the sun on your face is wonderful. You are spot on, one hour at a time is the best we can do sometimes and even that is wonderful.

I know that urge myself and completely understand how you feel, but please resist it, just for another hour at a time. You are obviously a kind and thoughtful man and there are so few of those around in my experience.

So very happy to hear you have got accommodation and a bed and some furnishings. That is absolutely wonderful. I think I lived on noodles with an onion chopped in them for months. I have found that men completely underestiimate the comfort value of a good warming meal. You will feel so much better after it. So happy that you will have some food and a place to rest your head -- you have made my Easter. Thank heavens for kind people.

You are very welcome to contact me by PM -- I am fairly new here too, so I dont actually know how to do it, but I would love to hear how you are getting on.
Take tiny steps and congratulate yourself on those. Those early steps are so hard to take when everything is pulling us in another direction. Sitting in a park with the sun on your face is a wonderful tonic. It sounds stupid but just enjoying the wind in the trees and the flowers around is a wonderful tonic. If you feel like taking a walk all the better, but take it slowly, you are doing wonderfully.

I am most always on the computer so please feel free to contact me at any time, I usually reply fast.

Congratulations and thank you so much for letting us know.

Julie