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I Just Need To Post Vs. Lend me your eyes and ears, your wisdom and beauty.

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Zwanya said:
I've been thinking about this for the last few days, and finally decided to put the question out to all you intelligent, experienced peoples. So:

Quick overview: As some of you may know, I had two grand mal seizures and two petit mal seizures a week and a half ago. I "woke up" (meaning came back to myself--I had been awake and lucid for a day and a half) in the hospital surrounded by family. I do not have epilepsy and have never had prior seizures. My psychiatrist and MD tell me the seizures were a result of becoming serotonergic after taking Wellbutrin, Prozac, Suboxone, Flexeril, and Skelaxin and Gabapentin (all prescribed). My psychiatrist believes that the combination of all of the meds formed a perfect/horrific storm in my brain, and the result was the four seizures. I was put on Keppra and Lamictal at the hospital and taken off of all of the meds listed above except my Suboxone and Gabapentin.

After sharing all of that info in OD, I got some helpful feedback and some feedback that simply upset and confused me further; namely that the drugs listed shouldn't cause SS, and that people with basic knowledge of those drugs should know that. Now, if you research Serotonin Syndrome or Serotonergism you'll find that many of those drugs (including buproprion and Suboxone, which I was on high doses of) do in fact contribute to SS. I also exprienced several of the symptoms of SS for at least a week before the seizures occurred.

Wellbutrin on its own is also known for causing seizures, and was even taken off the market for a few years because of the high volume of seizures attributed to the drug.

Basically--the fact that I had seizures makes sense.

My inquiry: Since I can't work or drive at the moment I have had plenty of time to mull all of this over. As I think about SS I have naturally started to think back on my years of MDMA/MDA use, and am wondering if there is any chance that it contributed to my becoming serotonergic after just 1 year on Wellbutrin/Prozac and a few months on Flexeril/Skelaxin. I abused MDMA for at least a decade, and used it for 15 years. For years before it was called molly and popular among mainstream youth, I took MDMA at least once a week, at a rate of 2-3 pills at a time, for 10 years.

Therefore I have taken over 1000 pills in my lifetime. People have taken more. But that's a fair amount. And it is important to note as well that in the late 90s-early 2000s pure molly was nearly nonexistant in the rave/club scene in SF and NYC, where I lived, studied, worked, and partied. It wasn't until a few years ago that molly/crystals/pure powder, etc became the norm for users of the drug. I don't think I have ever in my life taken pure molly--every single time I used MDMA it was in pill form, and I am almost certain it was cut with at least caffeine, if not MDA or meth.

I have not used MDMA since 2011. By the last year or two it was nearly impossible for me to roll for longer than two hours, and I had to take at least 3 pills per night. I think my body/brain was simply tapped out and tired of the drug, and it ceased to work.

There is no denying the fact that neurological damage is not only likely, but probable. I wonder: did my MDMA (ab)use contribute to my likelihood of having a seizure? Or am I jumping to conclusions based on fear and anxiety about my wayward youth?

When I meet with my neurologist next week, I plan on being completely honest with her and divulging all of the info I have just given to you fine folks. So I will have an expert's opinion on my questions/fears. But do you all think there is any plausibility to my hypothesis?

I'd appreciate any advice/help that I can get. PM's are welcome too. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. Be safe, everyone.
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To make this shorter I will post my very first thread on BL:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/665237-Weird-mdma-comedown-Please-help

I suffered from nasty effects from taking untested pills/powder which resulted to a year of suffering. Whenever I see posts about newcomers who are asking for help, I do my best to help out and make sure that they have hope in continuing to fight it through and assure them that they will recover as I have.

I would think that the brain should have recovered by then since you have not touched the drug for about three years if I am not mistaken. It is really hard to say if the use of untested mdma has an impact on what has happened to you regarding the seizures, but the combination of these other drugs can create SS in higher doses as far as I know. What I can tell you IME is that anxiety is what it's going to make it more difficult, the more you worry about it, the more it will be harder to deal with.

There are other posters who have also experienced long term comedowns who abused mdma for a decade but with enough time, they recovered and also came back to almost 100% normal. Futura2012 is one of them and he recovered after about 18 months if I recall correctly. He now works out for about two hours in the gym. I would also confirm that exercise helps with building up serotonin again and I see on your posts that you are also into running? Just continue doing this and you should be recovering from what you have experienced with regards to the seizures.

TBH with you, the drugs you have mentioned are a lot.. Again, I am not a medical professional but I would like to ask you, did you take all of these in what period of time? Why were you taking them? Is it due to anxiety?

Also to, I don't think I have ever taken pure molly so you are definitely not alone on this one.
 
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Maya,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I am going to move it over to the neuro section, so all of this may get erased, but I wanted to respond to your post out of respect for you reaching out.

You are absolutely right, the meds I am/was on are heavy, and I am/was on a heavy dose. With the exception of the suboxone, which I have been on for almost 3 years, I was prescribed all of these meds after surviving a trauma and being hospitalized in Jan of 2013. I was diagnosed with PTSD and major depressive disorder, and have been on those drugs since. As you know I have been sober for over a year now, and did so specifically because I wanted to avoid any issues with these very strong psychiatric medications that my medical team (Medical dr, psychiatrist, therapist) have put me on and worked with me on.

All of these meds were completely necessary after what I survived--as a yoga insructor, buddhist, and social worker I would never subject my body/mind to anything that wasnt necessary for my survival and health at this point. There were actually stronger meds such as seroquel for sleep that were offered to me, but I I have my limits ;).

I also want to add that I have not experienced any comedown from my mdma use since I last used it years ago. The connection I am making to mdma now is only due to this new discussion of serotonin syndrome that has come up during the last 10 days. I am fully aware that I could be jumping to conclusions by trying to connect my abuse of mdma when I was a kid to my situation now. However, I have never in my life had a single seizure, so to have 4 in the span of a few hours, and to have brain experts connect it to SS, did jiggle my curiousity a bit.

I appreciate everything you are saying about anxiety being a weapon and not a tool in getting better. I agree fully. If I were reading this story I would give the exact same advice. I don't have an anxiety disorder (yet! lol) and am simply trying to flush out any connections I can find that could make sense. My PTSD symptoms do not manifest as anxiety per se--my symptoms are connected directly to depression.

It is difficult to talk about any of this to people who are sober or are not familiar with mental health issues such as PTSD and depression. That's why I'm posting here.

Thank you again for your time and for reaching out. I appreciate your gentle, yet spot on suggestions, and will take them to heart.

be well, and more peace,
Z
 
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Hi Zwanya,

I read your post with great interest, my use of MDMA /MDA spanned 10 years with a similar usage pattern ending around 2000.

It is difficult to believe that taking anything over such a time and with such frequency wouldn't have some impact on our physical and mental state but given the almost infinite number of other variables and the lack of a credible control group theer seems little chance of any real conclusions.

I have suffered with depression and continue to do so, I've never suffered any kind of SS that I'm aware of but I do react very badly to SSRIs with symptoms as extreme as internal bleeding triggered by Sertraline.

I don't attribute my depression to any one thing and none of the professionals I've seen have made that connection chronologically, I've never been a very 'happy' person and wonder of my attraction towards this substance was partly driven by that.

Psychologically I've had a hard time dealing with life without that 'happiness on tap', I lived a lifestyle revolving around a synergy of chemical and spiritual experiences that I'm still working on integrating, there's good and bad in there but I'm not one for regrets:)
 
Just jamming out to some pink Floyd, damn my parents taught me the good music;) (lol not just Pink Floyd). I remember always rocking in the car when I was younger. Wherever my parents were going out we just put music on loud. Let the good times roll.%)
 
You are welcome Zwanya anytime ;)

Allein said:
Hi Zwanya,

I read your post with great interest, my use of MDMA /MDA spanned 10 years with a similar usage pattern ending around 2000.

It is difficult to believe that taking anything over such a time and with such frequency wouldn't have some impact on our physical and mental state but given the almost infinite number of other variables and the lack of a credible control group theer seems little chance of any real conclusions.

I have suffered with depression and continue to do so, I've never suffered any kind of SS that I'm aware of but I do react very badly to SSRIs with symptoms as extreme as internal bleeding triggered by Sertraline.

I don't attribute my depression to any one thing and none of the professionals I've seen have made that connection chronologically, I've never been a very 'happy' person and wonder of my attraction towards this substance was partly driven by that.

Psychologically I've had a hard time dealing with life without that 'happiness on tap', I lived a lifestyle revolving around a synergy of chemical and spiritual experiences that I'm still working on integrating, there's good and bad in there but I'm not one for regrets:)
Click to expand...

I think the symptoms really vary from person to person. I have never experienced depression but the anxiety/panic attacks were unbearable. I have so much respect for you when you mentioned that you have no regrets because I do regret the last time I used, and how careless I was with not researching much into what I am ingesting in my body.

It was so hard to move on, specially on the first months. It was so hard to accept that I cannot bring back time and wished I never took them, but I have recovered and all I can do is to try not to dwell on it although I still get frustrated at times. I think that toughest part to accept is that you don't feel like you will be back to your old-self again, but there's no other choice but to fully embrace the new me.
 
What would you all do if you purchased a substance and immediately after change your mind about using it?
I really don't want to waste the money but I'm having so many conflicting thoughts and trying to stay as sober as possible but it's getting increasingly difficult.

I ordered something stupid and possibly dangerous which is very much unlike myself. It's the first time I've ever done this and I instantly afterwards got really negative 2nd thoughts and intense paranoia and anxiety. I felt legitimately scared which I am not familiar with. I'm a little worried by the contrast between how I felt on the day I ordered this and how I feel now, it's like I'm a different person at this moment.
Would rather not mention what it is here to incriminate myself or make a fool of myself any more either. If anyone has been in a situation like this please pm.
 
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If you are not sure about it and you feel like something bad is going to happen then I would flush it down the toilet.

I still remember my last use of MDMA, and the night was just weird. It felt like something was going to happen but I never paid attention to it which I should have had. Boom! Long term comedown. I think that you should not use it because you might regret it if you experience a nasty effect/effects from it.
 
Sick & tired of the American government, yea I know I said this before. But truly they need to get their shit together.
 
I'm not leaving the Recovery Support forum anymore. I was browsing in the drug discussion forum and I hate seeing all the kids coming in and saying how wonderful the stuff is that they're abusing. It's just sad to know that they could end up addicted and screw their life's up. All I wanna do is preach to them and tell them what they're getting themselves into. So I'm just gonna stay over here:)
 
Oxy_Ghost said:
I'm not leaving the Recovery Support forum anymore. I was browsing in the drug discussion forum and I hate seeing all the kids coming in and saying how wonderful the stuff is that they're abusing. It's just sad to know that they could end up addicted and screw their life's up. All I wanna do is preach to them and tell them what they're getting themselves into. So I'm just gonna stay over here:)
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I started off as one of those people but it caught up to me. It's hard to watch as you know how easily it can happen. <3. I'm glad you feel safe over here.

On another note I would like to go back to bed so I'm drinking chamomile tea :).
 
Oxy_Ghost said:
I'm not leaving the Recovery Support forum anymore. I was browsing in the drug discussion forum and I hate seeing all the kids coming in and saying how wonderful the stuff is that they're abusing. It's just sad to know that they could end up addicted and screw their life's up. All I wanna do is preach to them and tell them what they're getting themselves into. So I'm just gonna stay over here:)
Click to expand...

Yay! Happy you are going to stay here :)

stardust.hero said:
On another note I would like to go back to bed so I'm drinking chamomile tea :).
Click to expand...

Ooh I love chamomile tea :)
 
I'm not doing too great.

I'm sober, but basically relapsing on tons of old behaviors. I'm not doing anything I'm supposed to be doing. I'm isolating, I'm eating crap because I'm too lazy to go grocery shopping, I haven't really been exercising, haven't been able to sleep properly and the only days I've managed to show up to class in the last month or two are the days I've decided to stay up all night. Otherwise I most likely don't wake up on time even though I set alarms every 5 minutes for an hour I literally sleep through all of them....

I'm worried I might have missed too many classes now. Never again with 8am class I'm an idiot for even considering that shit. But then again, things were a lot different when I registered for those. I was doing a lot better/happier then. I don't know.


I'm going to an AA event for the next few days that's basically just a 4 day party with 4-5 thousand young & sober people renting out 3 entire hotels on the same block. Hopefully I'll regain some of the motivation that I've lost over the last few months.
 
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^goodluck case yeah, I'm not doing so great too. I'm just fed up with everything at work and tired of the company hiring the wrong people to be working with us. I'm just frustrated at everything and everyone right now reminding everypne of their tasks. Well I'm not a babysitter and I'm only one person so whatever they want me to do they have to wait!!!
 
^^Sorry to hear that, Maya and Case. I know you'll both regain the momentum and fire you always have shown us here.

I'm going to jump on the train and say I'm having a hard time as well. This morning I got the results from my EEG; I have temporal lobe seizure disorder. Epilepsy.

It is totally unusual to develop this in your early 30s. It is typically genetic and my docs think it was always there, but something jiggled my brain in the last few months, and it reared its (my?) ugly head. This news came out of absolutely nowhere, and I'm terrified, horrified, surprised, and just plain pissed.

I haven't wanted to take opiates as much as I have all day today in my entire 13 months of sobriety. Tomorrow I am meeting with a bunch of my sober support "team." I'm not sure how it will make me feel any better to keep talking about this. I guess I just need to hear people tell me that everything is going to be okay. The last thing I want is to wake up in the hospital and not remember anything about the days prior, like what happened a few weeks ago. Or worse.

In my attempts to process all of this, I've been sharing my experience and my feelings about it quite a bit here on BL, and it's been both helpful, and a bit off-putting, to be honest. Perhaps the fact that we are all virtual strangers apart from our bonds as family-in-recovery hasn't been an issue until now. Perhaps seeking the advice and support of my actual family or friends who have known me for years, who can touch me and make eye contact makes the most sense right now. Perhaps thinking about all of the life-long changes and ramifications having epilepsy will have on my lifestyle is making me lose my ability to be maintain the Zen I've worked so hard to build in my recovery.

All the yoga and meditation the world can't heal my brain from this.
 
Does anyone think I would make a decent Words moderator? They posted about needing a new mod.
I am in there more than any other forum but it just bothers me that it doesn't move fast enough.
Maybe I could help change that?
So im also in TDS and OD alot too.
I did just get an infraction for something in that forum but it was for sticking up for my passion and something I am good at.
I donno if i should even try it.. I don't read books or anything, im more into just the rhyming aspect of words.
I'm a "lyricist in training". I donno if that would qualify me for the position.
If no one else will do it, I would be more than happy to.
I am an addict in recovery, I did leave the site for a while to help clean myself up and am back with hindsight I never had before being a full blown addict but also still remember some things about drugs even though my memory with my usage the past few years is hazy.
That shouldn't have much to do with that forum in particular but I do know that most post there do drugs and it wouldn't really be my responsibility in that forum to help with those aspects.
But would be willing to if need be.
I have a passion for writing and so do some friends of mine that I have met in that forum.
I may not be the best person for the job, but like I said. If no one else will do it, I will try.

Thoughts on if I should apply or not?
 
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