• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

RIP knock

This is so so sad..Although I only spoke to Knock a few times in the forums and via PM's - I could tell immediately what a genuinely nice bloke he was, I was absolutely shocked to see this thread when I took a look on BL yesterday.

My thoughts are with his family and friends, they have lost a true gent - RIP Michael
 
I'm only a transient visitor to these parts...but I'm really saddened to read all of this.

The post above - in the man's own words - has had me in tears since I read it.

Beautiful, tragic; awful.
We'll miss you knock.
 
you'd have made a fantastic nurse knock, seemingly having the right mix of compassion and common sense required (but sorely lacking in some nurses today)

it's criminal that they wouldn't' accept you and was, and is, their loss
 
Ascii thanks for showing us this - it shows how Special Knock was to EADD n all of us.
Shambles, you're very lucky that you got to meet Knock.

knock said:
I posted a very brief summary of my life on the staff forums, because there's a thread for that. But the staff are not the be-all and end-all. In my view, I am here for the the members - old members, current members, members in waiting. Not BL as some grand institution. I'm here because we are a community who can support each other. BL is a very useful, albeit flawed, institution. But it's nothing without the people that post here, and most of all I do give a toss about you, the members. Especially EADD, because amongst you are some of the most compassionate and intelligent people I get to share ideas with. This is not about national boundaries. It's just about the sort of people who gravitate to EADD. I love these people. <3 I don't actually care where you're from. I would never turn away someone from EADD because they don't live in the right part of the world. All I care about is building a community of people who care about each other. And I honestly think EADD is the jewel in the BL crown. Not because of me, or the other mods, great as we are ;) but because of you, the members.

So. Here is that post. Perhaps others would like to give their own introductions here too.


I was born in 1973 when my mum and dad were 41. My dad was a teacher then Headmaster of the high school I went to. I had two older brothers and a sister. Eldest brother = 15 years older than me - died of cancer in 2008. My other brother - 12 years older - worked as a psych nurse in the NHS for 20 years until diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. He has to use wheelchair / scooter to get about and he gets tired easily. My dead brother leaves a 25 year old girl who has a lot of problems in life. My other brother has a couple of fairly well-adjusted kids. His wife is an angel and looks after him and her elderly, decrepit parents.

My parents are in their 80s and need an increasing amount of my time to look after them. I help my immobile brother whenever I can. My relationship with my dead brother's daughter is on and off; she has had a difficult upbringing and a bitter, difficult mother. So I help her where I can.

My sister was a heroin addict for a while before giving it up and sticking to weed. She has travelled a bit - through the UK, Greece for a bit, and settled in the States 20 years ago. She was a lesbian for many years. She had a mixed-race kid who is a wonderful young man. She then found the love of her love, an American artist, they got married and settled in northern Catalonia. After her son reached high school age he wanted to go back to the States as racism is a problem where they were living in Catalonia. So they moved to Portland, Oregan where she has connections. Her husband died of an overdose five years ago, he suffered from depression. I don't think he was a BLer. She works as a journalist now and has won various prizes.

I worked in IT from age 19 to 37. I worked in Edinburgh, London, Peterburgh, Lancashire (lived in a motorhome for 11 months, winter got to me so I quit), Dusseldorf, and Livingston (shithole in Scotland). Mostly financial instiutions but also Sky the TV company in Livingston.

In 2002 my best buddie died. This sent me on a downward spiral for the next few years. I moved to London and made good friends and had a lot of fun and worked hard, played hard. My brother died in that time. But that came to an end and I returned home to Scotland. Shortly after arriving my favourite Aunt died. My long term relationship (with a lass I still love dearly) fell apart; she also suffers from depression and is difficult to get along with but we're still friends. I also suffered complete disillusion with my work. I had a nervous breakdown last years as a cumulate result of these deaths, losses and frustrations over the years and nearly killed myself early 2012 jumping out a window on a cocktail of drugs. I'd been planning the suicide jump for some time, drugs just enabled it. In the end I just broke my foot.

I've spent the last couple of years trying, slowly, to rebuild my life. I saved up some money from working in the city and, oddly enough, the Co-Op in Lancashire. I've been living off that money. It's dwindling. I use drugs to make things bearable and frankly, they work, when used wisely, but it takes experience to find that sweet spot. Think I'm there now. I'm now getting involved in local activism against poverty, the bedroom tax, homelessness and empowering workers to take control of their lives. I do my best to help people here on BL because a) our members are by and large wonderful people and they deserve it and b) they help me back.

I took up climbing recently too. I live on my own in a cold flat in a town I'd rather not be. I plan to move to Edinburgh where I have some roots and interesting things sometimes happen.

My dad was remote when I was young, he threw himself into his work. He was mildly abusive - dragged me round the living room with a walkingstick round my neck; threatened to cut off my cock. My mum was loving but overprotective. I rebelled from the age of 12 and got into drugs ASAP. I had no trouble with drugs until my recent breakdown. I'm getting on top of that now.

I applied to train to be a nurse last year but due to police involvement I wasn't accepted, I'm going to seek advice and see if I can apply again.

My plans for the future outside 9-5 are to work with other people to make our lives better collectively. I am still a computer geek and get fun out of that.

I love techno and house, and I dance like a motherfucker on acid and MDMA. I usually use milder functional drugs at home but sometimes I have a blow out. most of the time that works out fine.

I love BL but most of all EADD. It's a place where people come who need help, and I think our relationships with each other should be based on mutual support through bad times, not just having fun, although fun is a big part too. I try to treat people like adults and I recognise that fundamentally there are limitations to what we can achieve with people who have far more serious issues to deal with than I have. So I just do my best and I don't try to fob people off with easy answers and platitudes.

That's me!
knock


PS stims help when typing this stuff out :D
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Jesus-fucking-christ, Michael.

Why?

What was going on, man? What happened?

Man, you were such a star. You just kinda had a way about you that I always couldn't help but like.

Over the years, you were one of the best people I worked with in EADD. I think I told you that a few times, didn't I... and if I didn't, then I should have done it a little more. You just came along when we needed you and just did your thing. You were knowledgeable and caring, demanding and challenging - but for all the right reasons.

If this was anything other than an accident, if something was on your noggin or eating away at you... I hope it seems like a distant memory now. I hope all things are right. I hope you're tootling along on a bicycle somewhere, with that lightweight Hoffman trying to keep pace as you leisurely cruise into the distance of the luridly verdant landscape ahead. Or some soppy shit like that.

Much love, man. Much, much love.

Place really has gone to shit.
 
I have to say I'm still all wrong. Knock was EADD! This whole thing has just gone and fucked me right up. In my head I know that it isn't the end. I know that bluelight will continue on with its missiion. The problem i'm having is that while my head knows that life must go on, my heart can't seem to keep up with my brain. Logic tells me there is a future out there but the rest of me won't fuckin buy it Everythings all twisted around and back wards now. Everything has gone all wrong. When i look outside all i see is a mixture of grey and nothiningness. Am just about holding on.
 
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Everything you say is true, knock was the unnasuming heart and soul of this place, but its worrying that you are still so deeply distressed by this and that its still having such a devastating effect on you. I loved Knock and will miss him very badly as long as i continue to post here, but life has to carry on for the rest of us left behind. It may be the benzos and kratom blunting my emotions, infact im pretty sure it is, i couldnt stop kratom on the day this happened, my mood would have fallen too low. I was too much of a pussy to face the pain so i blotted it out. I'll try and face it properly and try to deal with it next week when i stop my kratom run when a little more time will have passed.
 
Missing you Michael....wishing we could have carried on our last conversation...and really wishing you could have carried on living....you helped so many, and really were the beating, caring, and loving heart of this place. Your smarts and sense were one of a kind....I'm so sorry the pain reached such levels...

There always is another alternative...sure, death is our common denominator, but not on such terms....I am choosing to remember your wit and charm, and not focus on your, our, my pain <3
 
Everytime i click on the cock thread knock, i think how you would;'ve loved it. Some fantastic and scarring contributions i bet you would've made too! <3
 
mydrugbuddy said:
Everything you say is true, knock was the unnasuming heart and soul of this place, but its worrying that you are still so deeply distressed by this and that its still having such a devastating effect on you.
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I too am distressed by this. And devastated. Because Michael was a lovely man doing a brilliant job here.

And if he hadn't had that job so cruelly taken away from him he would still be alive.

Until someone proves otherwise to me, that is my position. I think it's one his inquest needs to hear.

I don't know how some people sleep at night.

To me this is serious shit. My heart has gone from this place completely.
 
Knock helped so many people on here that it makes me wonder why didn't he reach out to someone himself either here or elsewhere?
 
I wish he had too. He seemed fairly upbeat in the last few PMs he sent me, and then this. Just goes to show.
 
Guys, I don't want to say this, but I've been thinking it & need to post it. I know it's hard to hear this but if Knock took his own life because of the demodding, I'm really sorry, but that says alot more about Knock state of mind than it does about BL.

I'm sure some of those people who may have been behind Knocks demodding are having trouble sleeping at night & dealing with this.

I can't imagine how being accused or implicated in his passing must feel to them.

Now, I really think this part of the conversation should be moved out of this thread, where this topic is ill placed. I think this thread should be kept as much as possible for good memories of an old friend.
 
maxalfie said:
Knock helped so many people on here that it makes me wonder why didn't he reach out to someone himself either here or elsewhere?
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I wish he had, mas, I wish he had.
I wish I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself n asked how he was, tried to help in some way. I tried to help others but some reason I didn't think to see how knock was feeling. I kept thinking that last week, after Tuesday to E-mail him but never did. I wish I'd reached out to him n not forgive myself for that. Lesson learned though I'm going to ask how people are doing from now on.
Knock truly cared. About from the title it was hard to tell that he was a mod because he cared n took time for people.
He showed that things didn't always have to be censored - but in a good way without bullying or any of that negativity.
He also dealt with being de-modded with dignity, showing support for Josh n Shambles.
I feel bad for his family; his parents, brother, sister. My thoughts are with them.

Does anyone know when his funeral n isn't there else we can do apart from this RIP thread? It doesn't seem enough somehow.

Shame we couldn't give something to his family from us but I don't know if they know about BL n the work he did here, all the people here who love him. I don't know if it would give comfort or not because I don't know if he told his family about here????

Si ingwe - very true n that needed saying. If it hadn't been the de-modding it would have been something else (if it was that) but I don't want to know how he died tbh. And I feel bad for the admins on BL. Whatever happened, happened no one is to blame for this. We can't go laying this at their door. It's cruel do so. That decision was made n I'm sure no one wanted this.
 
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StoneHappyMonday said:
I too am distressed by this. And devastated. Because Michael was a lovely man doing a brilliant job here.

And if he hadn't had that job so cruelly taken away from him he would still be alive.

Until someone proves otherwise to me, that is my position. I think it's one his inquest needs to hear.

I don't know how some people sleep at night.

To me this is serious shit. My heart has gone from this place completely.
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SHM I know you're hurting (MDB why is that worrying you? Grief is not a couple of days affair n it's over y'know. I'm still hurt over this - alot of us are n will be for a long time. Why is that so difficult for you to understand?). Anyway you know I'm here for you n you can PM me anytime but (you may not like this n I'm very sorry in advance). None of us know how Knock died it may not have even been drugs. And most of us don't agree with Knock being sacked. But we really can't go laying it at the door of the admins here n accuse them of someone's death. It's incredibly cruel to do so. Do you see that?

I'm not trying to hurt you orr to be mean to you in any way I know that you're grieving n you take as long as you need to go through the process. As I said I'm here for you n you can talk to me any time, ok?! But I had to say this n been trying to think of the best way of that way without hurting/ offending you.

Take care ok. You'll get through this n we're here. You take as long as you need.

Evey xxxx
 
Si Ingwe said:
Guys, I don't want to say this, but I've been thinking it & need to post it. I know it's hard to hear this but if Knock took his own life because of the demodding, I'm really sorry, but that says alot more about Knock state of mind than it does about BL.

I'm sure some of those people who may have been behind Knocks demodding are having trouble sleeping at night & dealing with this.

I can't imagine how being accused or implicated in his passing must feel to them.

Now, I really think this part of the conversation should be moved out of this thread, where this topic is ill placed. I think this thread should be kept as much as possible for good memories of an old friend.
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I'm with you, come you you guys i thought you were better than this, shit happens and the universe works in mysterious ways. Yeah it will have had an effect, but he but be in pretty extreme state of mind to begin with.

I dunno lets do a shit analogy, im good at these. and homeless junkie gets a job at a soup kitchen and the responsibility help him clean up etc, but the soup kitchen stop doing soup a d argue wit hthe man, so they let him go. The man jumps off a highway, do you blame the soup kitchen?

Poor poor knock must have been in a terrible state of mind anyway if he did kill himself, please dont turn this into a witch hut and bklaming the BL admins, 'maybe XYZ and if X then Y and Z' he's dead. Blaming for that will could result in more depressed lives taken, and the only one who brear the responsibility for his actions is knock. RIP man, i love you and im furious at the demoddimng cause of 'disagreements', i recon they were scared of you because you were truly the best mod, you never let ther power go to your head and were the same as when i spoke beforer you became a mod. Buut killing yourself in sresponse to something you dont like is not the other things fauly, so please lets stop even discussing it aye? I bet they feelk absolutely shite as it is, and this would be the last thing they'd want to hear.


Edit: Was it all confirmed then? Did he commit suicide?
 
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