MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[zebrafish]

Have you tried medications that modulate uptake of norepinephrine/dopamine such as methylphenidate, dextroamphetamine, or modafinil?

How is your sleep? Have you ever gotten a sleep study to see if you are fully cycling through the stages of REM and nREM. If you aren't getting to the slow wave stages of sleep very well, that can have a large impact on concentration/attention

 

[magniloquentcunt]

Have you tried medications that modulate uptake of norepinephrine/dopamine such as methylphenidate, dextroamphetamine, or modafinil?

How is your sleep? Have you ever gotten a sleep study to see if you are fully cycling through the stages of REM and nREM. If you aren't getting to the slow wave stages of sleep very well, that can have a large impact on concentration/attention

yes i did, modafinil makes me slightly quicker and more intelligent, but also i have thie overall """weird"" feeling linging over and i dont like it...
methylphenidate didnt do SHIT. its very interesting and i dont know how its possible. up to 60mg instant release, at most i felt more talkative, but nothing else. bah...
sleep study will probably be next on the list. atm im on 3months testosterone replacement therapy (to see how it goes, my T was very low). while its making me feel "fresher", its not helping that much

 

[Dawglaw]

+1 on the warning re supplements. I know first hand how terrifying it can be and the lack of answers leads people down "alternative" paths.

Flooding your body with a bunch of crap can be dangerous, especially without medical supervision. If you eat a balanced and healthy diet, you are getting enough vitamins. You CAN overdose on vitamins.

Nothing is going to fix you except for time and healthy living. There is no magic cure. Don't waste time and energy creating a magic potion to try to fix the anxiety.

If you need a SSRI, trust your doctor or get a second opinion. Don't substitute the doctors advice for a bunch of anecdotal reports on the Internet. Trust the science.

 

[THeW0rm]

I guess I'll give an update, Its been 33 days. I am making some slight improvements, and am getting my feelings back a little bit in waves, I felt frustration, and nervousness yesterday and today, rather than just emptiness, which is a big step as far as I am concern. My brain fog is slowly improving as well, but my memory is still heavily impaired.

Mornings are still tough and I am in the cycle of of feeling increased symptoms in the AM, followed by a slow recovery throught the day

 

[zebrafish]

I agree that there is no magic cure. However, time and healthy living may not even be the cure for some people. I have found a handful of people over the years on this forum who have been struggling for several years after MDMA abuse with no significant improvement across several psychiatric and cognitive domains. Unfortunately, I don't think that EVERYONE will recover 100% over time.

At some point, I think people who have persistent symptoms over years need to start treating the symptoms rather than expecting a cure. If someone has had concentration/attention difficulties for 3 years with not much improvement, I don't know if more time and healthy living will help at that point, and they probably need some medical intervention. However, I agree this should be done under the supervision of a professional.

Unfortunately, physicians are really poorly trained on the long term effects of MDMA. They know how to treat the acute stuff really well, like serotonin syndrome, hyperthermia, hyponatremia, cardiovascular collapse, etc very well. But I can bet most physicians won't even know that MDMA can cause long-term memory problems.

This is why I think ancedotal reports on this forum are useful. They serve as ideas for treatment, which they can discuss with their physician. There is really no medical literature available on the effective treatment of MDMA long term effects. It seems apparent that a lot of the medications that are effective in many people aren't effective in patients with MDMA abuse histories. So it literally becomes a trial and error game to find medical treatments that work. In effect, bouncing ideas off one another on the forum in conjuction to working with your physician is probably much more effective than relying on the knowledge of your physician alone.

 

[pmz]

I agree that there is no magic cure. However, time and healthy living may not even be the cure for some people. I have found a handful of people over the years on this forum who have been struggling for several years after MDMA abuse with no significant improvement across several psychiatric and cognitive domains. Unfortunately, I don't think that EVERYONE will recover 100% over time.

At some point, I think people who have persistent symptoms over years need to start treating the symptoms rather than expecting a cure. If someone has had concentration/attention difficulties for 3 years with not much improvement, I don't know if more time and healthy living will help at that point, and they probably need some medical intervention. However, I agree this should be done under the supervision of a professional.

Unfortunately, physicians are really poorly trained on the long term effects of MDMA. They know how to treat the acute stuff really well, like serotonin syndrome, hyperthermia, hyponatremia, cardiovascular collapse, etc very well. But I can bet most physicians won't even know that MDMA can cause long-term memory problems.

This is why I think ancedotal reports on this forum are useful. They serve as ideas for treatment, which they can discuss with their physician. There is really no medical literature available on the effective treatment of MDMA long term effects. It seems apparent that a lot of the medications that are effective in many people aren't effective in patients with MDMA abuse histories. So it literally becomes a trial and error game to find medical treatments that work. In effect, bouncing ideas off one another on the forum in conjuction to working with your physician is probably much more effective than relying on the knowledge of your physician alone.

Personally, I think that a load of crap that people can recover over time to be even better than they were before. Nothing personal to you Zebrafish, but those who have not even improved over a course of say 3 years, are 1) still using drugs, 2) not eating right, 3) not exercising, 4) are not taking the right mentality steps, and/or 5) taking prescription drugs to help them, which cause other problems.

If you take all the steps to become a better person, both physically and mentally, there should be no reason why you cant recover or at least see improvements in a few months time.

I just dont think the brain works that way. Treat it right, and it will change in a positive way.

If anyone says "ive abused mdma so much, and 5 years later im still fucked up" I simply have zero sympathy, because I firmly believe in the brains ability to heal if you feed it the correct way. They are just not doing something right. The harder you work, the faster you will see a reward.

::end rant::

 

[pmz]

I think, MDMA abuse should be treated the same way depression should be treated, or how cancer should be treated, any mental illness or even just the simple desire to improve ones self. Just focus on everything that will help the mind or body.

Nutrition
Exercise
Meditation
Yoga
Mindfulness
Sleep
Supplements
Socializing
Entertainment
Avoiding stress
Mental stimulation (reading, working, puzzles)

Add all that into your daily life and I promise you will see results.

 

[herenow14]

First off id like to agree with the notion that long term comedowns should be treated the same way as depression, anxiety, OCD, dp/dr, and other mental disorders. Yes, time is undoubtedly the biggest healer expedited by a healthy life style, but one's symptoms can become infinitely more bearable in the interim through therapy and CBT.

I'm on month 7 and have been visiting a therapist for 6 months and have been on 10 mg lexapro for 2. I don't believe my low dose of medication is a detriment to my recovery. Rather, the synergistic relationship of my CBT techniques and ssri is helping me feel better every week, and is allowing me to actually realize what a large role the mind plays in this whole experience.

It is my guess that many of us who are experiencing these long term comedowns share some degree of OCD tendencies. If you're reading this and thinking I'm off base I would like to include that I never thought I had any manifestation of OCD until I began reflecting on the circumstances of my recovery and the basis of my suffering. The suffering is undoubtedly arisen from obsessive thoughts re: one's health, symptoms, fears, etc. one is sucked into such a dreadful cycle of obsessive thinking that it can often times result in the many very physical symptoms because of which blue lighters often declare that they are different from some other normal case of anxiety. Before my long term comedown, I was a very organized person, frequently rearranging files at work, organizing folders on my computer, etc. before this experience, this behavior was a mere quirk that perhaps helped me to be more driven and efficient in the workplace, but now it has manifested into this agonizing tendency to dwell on my symptoms. I would guess that a lot of you out there are just like me. Obsessed with the idea that we are mentally scarred for ever. Please take a moment to realize the power, influence, and subjectivity of one's own thoughts! It might save you hours of researching for some magic concoction of meds to cute your ailment.

Final note, shout out to Dawglaw for sticking around BL post recovery and always providing a voice of hope and reason. And lastly, stoked to see PMZ posting some positive words of wisdom on here. Sounds like you're doing better! Please post an update when you find the time.

 

[Dawglaw]

^ I am happy to see that you are on the mend. CBT was instrumental in helping me deal with the anxiety and focus my mind onto the path of recovery.

Also I am glad that you are providing updates as someone who is using a SSRI. For whatever reason SSRI are deemed poison around these parts. I'm not advocating that they are always necessary but if you need some help with your recovery I think they can make a difference when coupled with the other tips here.

When I first got my comedown there were no recovery stories on BL. That coupled with rumors about brain damage really freaked me out. I decided that I'd stay and record my journey to help others because I know how alone and scary it can be when your life is turned upside down after one night of partying.

 

[THeW0rm]

I am making marked improvements cognitively and memory-wise, here six weeks in, My sex drive is still completely gone. did any of you guys suffer from lack of libido during all of this?

 

[ro4eva]

^ I am happy to see that you are on the mend. CBT was instrumental in helping me deal with the anxiety and focus my mind onto the path of recovery.

Also I am glad that you are providing updates as someone who is using a SSRI. For whatever reason SSRI are deemed poison around these parts. I'm not advocating that they are always necessary but if you need some help with your recovery I think they can make a difference when coupled with the other tips here.

When I first got my comedown there were no recovery stories on BL. That coupled with rumors about brain damage really freaked me out. I decided that I'd stay and record my journey to help others because I know how alone and scary it can be when your life is turned upside down after one night of partying.

I partly credit the use of Zoloft for a period of around 8 months with greatly aiding in my recovery.

By no means was it fun or pleasurable for me to start using Zoloft, nor remaining on it. Many times, I struggled with some of the side effects. My body slowly began to tolerate these typical/documented SSRI-induced adverse reactions - more and more with each passing day. And eventually, they were all gone.

The therapeutic effects were very slow and gradual. Pfizer wasn't exaggerating about the length of time usually required for any noticeable, significant improvements and/or relief of symptoms.

After about 2 months was when I began to wake up every morning, finding myself devoid of several of the usual morning symptoms which had negatively affected my quality of life.

Unfortunately, a lot of patience is required by someone starting an SSRI. Seeing as we live in a very fast-paced society, in which time is money, and money makes the world spin, it is understandable that a quick solution is usually sought whenever a problem presents itself. So I'm not surprised that SSRIs are not considered desirable as a potential solution.

Still though, good things may come to those who can manage to wait.

I am making marked improvements cognitively and memory-wise, here six weeks in, My sex drive is still completely gone. did any of you guys suffer from lack of libido during all of this?

My libido was nearly non-existent while on several different Rx meds in an attempt to recover from a life-altering bad roll back in 2005. For a time afterwards, I was worried that I would not recover.

 

[MagickalKat777]

Sorry but 2 months is long enough for you to already be recovering and just leads even more evidence to SSRIs being a side-effect ridden placebo.

I know from experience that SSRIs do not take 2 months to "work" - it only took 30 days before Celexa switched me into 24/7 mania. Not exactly a positive effect.

I think that you're giving the Zoloft a lot more credit than it deserves. Any psychiatrist worth their salt will tell you that if you aren't experiencing relief within a month, it isn't going to work for you. Zoloft generally kicks in faster than most SSRIs with around 3 weeks being the average time that clinical effects would be observed with some experiencing partial to full remission with as little as two weeks.

Its great that you're feeling better but SSRIs cause more harm than anything else and recommending that people who have damaged their serotonin systems cause further disruption is reckless advice.

You more than likely did your recovering on your own.

 

[ro4eva]

Sorry but 2 months is long enough for you to already be recovering and just leads even more evidence to SSRIs being a side-effect ridden placebo.

What evidence do you have to support your opinion? First-hand experience with Celexa for a month isn't gonna cut it.

Have you considered the fact that everyone responds differently to psychiatric medications? Or that Zoloft is indicated (and prescribed off label) for several different mental (and sometimes physical) disorders?

Did you know what I was taking the Zoloft for? And what else I may have been using it with?

Were you aware that my liver or kidneys might be functioning less (or perhaps more) efficiently than yours?

I know from experience that SSRIs do not take 2 months to "work" - it only took 30 days before Celexa switched me into 24/7 mania. Not exactly a positive effect.

It took only about a week of me being on Paxil before I had to be rushed to the ER because I began to experience some incredibly painful cramps. They had to put me on a morphine drip, and I was told to stop the Paxil, which I did and the cramps went away.

What I didn't do afterwards was to go to my work buddy who had told me a couple weeks earlier that he had been on Paxil for the last 2 years or so (without any problems) and basically tell him that he should get off because he's fine by now because I know from experience, and also that it's a side-effect ridden placebo.

Furthermore, It took only 3 days of Prozac before I began to feel like I was going crazy (mania). I had an episode at work which nearly got me fired due to this.

And I've also been on Citalopram (generic Celexa), which I had to stop taking for the same reason as Prozac. Thankfully, at this point, I had decided I needed time to mend - away from work.

Take a look at this chart from PubMed, and notice the differences in adverse effect intensity between common SSRIs[1]:



[1] - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC181155/table/i1523-5998-003-01-0022-t02/

I think that you're giving the Zoloft a lot more credit than it deserves. Any psychiatrist worth their salt will tell you that if you aren't experiencing relief within a month, it isn't going to work for you. Zoloft generally kicks in faster than most SSRIs with around 3 weeks being the average time that clinical effects would be observed with some experiencing partial to full remission with as little as two weeks.

I'd love to know how you came to this conclusion - especially about Sertraline kicking in "faster than most SSRIs with around 3 weeks being the average time..."

Even the best minds in the field admit that they don't know exactly how the effect of an SSRI correlates to improvement of symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic, etc. So for you to make the above claim - would you mind sharing it with me please?

One the things I've always done with my prescription meds is that I've studied them obsessively, mainly out of fear that I could be doing more damage to my body compared to any potential therapeutic/beneficial effects.

I remember clearly hearing and reading (repeatedly) that Zoloft can take up to 8 weeks to start working. And even then, several more months of sustained pharmacological therapy beyond response to initial treatment may be required for long term benefits.[1]

[1] - http://www.fda.gov/ohrms/dockets/ac/04/briefing/4006b1_06_zoloft-label.pdf (page 33)

Its great that you're feeling better but SSRIs cause more harm than anything else and recommending that people who have damaged their serotonin systems cause further disruption is reckless advice.

Again, what are you basing your comment on?

And here's my "reckless advice" as my previous comment wasn't meant to be advice:

(reckless advice)

People - SSRIs aren't fun at all. They have ZERO recreational value. There are reports that use (especially long term use) can cause sexual dysfunction, and tardive dysphoria. Pretty much every psychiatric drug has at least one documented long term adverse effect. Neuroleptics carry the risk of tardive dyskinesia and neuroleptic malignant syndrome. Benzodiazepines may interfere with short term memory (among other things). However, if you are suffering from a bad roll, and you do not know what to do anymore, considering trying some Rx medication (if you haven't already). It doesn't need to be an SSRI. Do not be content to remain the way you are. Get up and fight back (easier said than done - trust me I know).

If you do decide to use an SSRI, please be aware of the black box warning about feelings/thoughts of suicde, plus the possible sexual side effects, tardive dysphoria, possible weight gain, sugar/carb cravings, etc.

Whatever med you do decide to use, be sure to read up on it thoroughly, because some psychiatrists may Rx you a specific medication because they are paid to - which is very wrong IMO.

Perhaps you'll recover without any medication. If so, then that's great!

Either way, good luck.

(/end reckless advice)

I don't know whether it's still accepted anymore, but it used to be believed by some that supplementing with an SSRI after a night of rolling would aid in preventing neurotoxicity.

The reason why I theorize that Zoloft aided me is because, by using MDMA in the manner that I did (chronic, consistent, weekly for years), I believe that this may have caused significant upregulation to corresponding 5-HT receptors due to long lasting reductions in 5-HT release. By using the Zoloft/Sertraline for 8 months, the downregulation of 5-HT receptors caused by the SSRI may (or may not) have effectively undone at least part of what my chronic, long-term, abnormal use of MDMA did. But I openly acknowledge that I have absolutely zero proof of this.

You more than likely did your recovering on your own.

Oh hell no, I did not.

I resorted to twaddling my thumbs, avoiding drugs, eating my vegetables, and scratching my ass for nearly a year with zero improvement. Nothing changed for the better until I decided to do some trial and error with Rx meds.

I'm sorry, but your manic experience with (what sounds like) one SSRI does not make you an expert with the rest of them, just like Joe Schmo's experience with tramadol doesn't make him an expert with the entire family of opioid analgesics, and especially just like my experience with over 8 years of being on Xanax makes me no expert with all benzodiazepines.

 

[MagickalKat777]

I am not in the mood to get into a fight about it, I have other things on my plate right now but a history of meds I've taken post-MDMA for symptoms related to MDMA abuse:

citalopram (Celexa)
escitalopram (Lexapro)
paroxetine (Paxil)
mirtazapine (Remeron)
bupropion (Wellbutrin)
trazodone (Desyrel)
pregabalin (Lyrica)
gabapentin (Neurontin)
aripiprazole (Abilify)
ziprasidone (Geodon)
olanzapine (Zyprexa)
risperidone (Risperdal)
alprazolam (Xanax)
lorazepam (Ativan)
clonazepam (Klonopin)
diazepam (Valium)
clorazepate dipotassium (Tranxene)
chlordiazepoxide (Librium)
lamotrigine (Lamictal)
oxcarbazepine (Trileptal)
divalproex sodium (Depakote)
lithium carbonate (Lithium)

I didn't touch Zoloft because I had such bad reactions to the other SSRIs.

The only drugs on that list that had any real benefits were mirtazapine (which is an antidepressant that is not an SSRI), trazodone (for sleep), and all of the benzos (with clonazepam and diazepam being the most useful). The rest all exacerbated things... and even the benzos have caused problems because now I'm stuck in tolerance withdrawal and going through hell trying to get off of them.

As much information you can pull about the supposed benefits that come from drug companies and those that get full pockets from the drug companies, I can easily come up with counters from sources that aren't bought...

Its a stupid debate though. The bottom line is that you shouldn't be messing with the serotonin transporter when you've already damaged it. I have seen FAR more people come on this very forum and also TDS about DAMAGE from SSRIs than any benefits. Considering that drug companies spin studies any which way that makes the drug look like a good thing, I tend to go by what people who've actually taken it say. By that methodology, you are in the minority.

Also I think it is important to note that BEFORE MDXX (MDA was the start of all of this really), I had never needed any such medications. I was prescribed methylphenidate and some type of amphetamine salts when I was a kid for a very short while for "ADHD" but my mother quickly pulled me off of them and I had to learn to deal with things.

It was about 2 months after my first time rolling that I had my first panic attack and it was all downhill from there. Since I have stopped experimenting with meds (and that includes not letting my doctors experiment), I am starting to actually improve, benzos be damned.

One last thing - all of those lovely atypical antipsychotics on there? Yeah, those are what they gave me to get me "stabilized" after a failed psych med exacerbated one or more of my depression, anxiety, caused mixed states, or triggered a manic response.

 

[ro4eva]

I am not in the mood to get into a fight about it, I have other things on my plate right now but a history of meds I've taken post-MDMA for symptoms related to MDMA abuse:

citalopram (Celexa)
escitalopram (Lexapro)
paroxetine (Paxil)

I didn't touch Zoloft because I had such bad reactions to the other SSRIs.

All of the above made you manic in the same manner?

Could the fact that you're bi-polar have had anything to do with it (at least, it appears that you're bi-polar from the list of meds you wrote).

You yourself said that you might be a weird case when it comes to SSRIs as you were able to roll while on one - remember?

I know a type 2 bi-polar girl who is also able to roll while on an SSRI. Weird, huh?

I'm a really weird case when it comes to Alprazolam/Xanax. After 8 years, I can still feel a therapeutic effect at only 0.5mg TID. And I've done a lot of experimenting (including not touching the chamomile tea anymore for weeks now since you said it was a GABAergenic).

As much information you can pull about the supposed benefits that come from drug companies and those that get full pockets from the drug companies, I can easily come up with counters from sources that aren't bought...

You say you don't wanna get into a fight, but then you continue brashly claiming some extraordinary things - and I'm supposed to just accept it? Well, I don't, sorry.

Its a stupid debate though. The bottom line is that you shouldn't be messing with the serotonin transporter when you've already damaged it.

Perhaps "messing" with the SERT via Rx medication may be what helped me get well.

I have seen FAR more people come on this very forum and also TDS about DAMAGE from SSRIs than any benefits. Considering that drug companies spin studies any which way that makes the drug look like a good thing, I tend to go by what people who've actually taken it say. By that methodology, you are in the minority.

Do you really expect to see a lot of people coming on here just to make a thread or a post about how great their experience was with some zero-recreational-value Rx med? The thread would probably serve no purpose and be deleted.

So yeah - expect to see a whole lot more complaints about SSRIs and other psychiatric meds on here than positive reviews - especially if you're hanging out in TDS (it's not a very happy place).

I could link a couple of "drug reviews" websites for you which have SSRIs on there to get a different view or perspective.

Also I think it is important to note that BEFORE MDXX (MDA was the start of all of this really), I had never needed any such medications. I was prescribed methylphenidate and some type of amphetamine salts when I was a kid for a very short while for "ADHD" but my mother quickly pulled me off of them and I had to learn to deal with things.

So you think that because of the extra methyl group, MDMA presents a higher risk of neurotoxicity to SERT than MDA? Perhaps it does.

It was about 2 months after my first time rolling that I had my first panic attack and it was all downhill from there. Since I have stopped experimenting with meds (and that includes not letting my doctors experiment), I am starting to actually improve, benzos be damned.

If that's true, then that's great, however, what works for you, might not for someone else.

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

I've been having severe panic attacks every day for 4 months now. It was triggered by heavy long term weed abuse, but I had a honeymoon period with Mdma a few years ago. It's all very confusing, but I like to think that these issues are absolutely caused by my abuse of cannabis because it never agreed with me but I somehow got heavily addicted to it and the side effects were always very nasty. My rolls were very powerful and I can't help but wonder if that left a mark. But why would it show up years down the road, I never felt that Mdma did me any harm. But weed always caused me obvious panic symptoms, social anxiety, depression, addiction and horrible withdrawal symptoms, and lethargy. I wanted to quit smoking weed so badly for years, but I was too addicted to ever stop. It was the one drug that I completely lost control of and went fucking nuts with, spent 20 grand in a year. It makes sense that I would trigger a panic disorder from a drug that actually caused me to have panic attacks and miserable side effects on a regular basis, and that I was insanely addicted to, while Mdma was always super chill. But for some reason these long term comedowns are more associated with E, than with extremely heavy pot use. I'm pretty sure that smoking weed tens of thousands of times, from morning til night every single day, frequently trying to quit and getting my ass kicked both physically and mentally by withdrawal, had a far worse effect on my mental health than 30 rolls in which I hardly ever felt a comedown from. It's just common sense. I'm not getting any better at all, and I'm really starting to worry about the future.

I have finally stopped thinking about weed, it's garbage to me now. This happened after I tried it once recently and had the worst panic attack of my life. Nearly called an ambulance, it was fucking nuts and I downed a bottle of vodka to calm myself down. I can't handle cannabis one bit, and to be honest I never could. Even after puking my guts out for 10 days and losing 20 pounds from the appetite suppression of the withdrawal, my mind was still pumped up to get stoned again after the panic attacks subsided. But my brain has been seeking alternatives now. I'm finally interested in rolling again, after years of abstinence. I'm interested in heroin and meth. I have always been able to handle my drug use apart from the cannabis which I lost my shit with completely. For example I am able to have just one beer and a small line or two then stop. But for now I'm holding out and hoping that I will get better (while I have lost a lot of faith that I will). I have chronic pain as well that nobody can explain. I wonder if it is related to my neurochemistry or if something is wrong physically. I feel that weed was making me hypersensitive to my body. I know that opiate users can develop a sensitivity to pain. I know that I was abusing cannabis the same way that people abuse painkillers because I used to be depressed, although I am without a doubt no longer depressed - just anxious now. It's all very confusing but I am absolutely convinced that my miserable weed addiction, those years of horrible abuse from morning til night, while ignoring the obvious side effects, is at the root of it all. All in all, FUCK smoking weed. I feel like that addictive, deluding fucking garbage has ruined my life at this point. I can't handle the panic symptoms any longer, but I feel like I have them because if I didn't then I'd probably be getting stoned. I'm pretty happy these days but there are just so many problems now and sometimes I just want to snap, give in and get into the heroin. Anything but that miserable fucking weed.

 

[pmz]

I dont know whats wrong. I keep sliding back into a major depression. Ill get better for a few weeks, then hardcore, I just wanna end my life type of depression.

This doesnt make sense anymore. I cant find any genuine sources of joy for my life, my head feels slow as fuck. This needs to stop. Im so running out of answers. and all I get back is TIME. Like I have all the time on my hands. Im so tired of this shit

 

[ro4eva]

I've been having severe panic attacks every day for 4 months now. It was triggered by heavy long term weed abuse, but I had a honeymoon period with Mdma a few years ago. It's all very confusing, but I like to think that these issues are absolutely caused by my abuse of cannabis because it never agreed with me but I somehow got heavily addicted to it and the side effects were always very nasty. My rolls were very powerful and I can't help but wonder if that left a mark. But why would it show up years down the road, I never felt that Mdma did me any harm. But weed always caused me obvious panic symptoms, social anxiety, depression, addiction and horrible withdrawal symptoms, and lethargy. I wanted to quit smoking weed so badly for years, but I was too addicted to ever stop. It was the one drug that I completely lost control of and went fucking nuts with, spent 20 grand in a year. It makes sense that I would trigger a panic disorder from a drug that actually caused me to have panic attacks and miserable side effects on a regular basis, and that I was insanely addicted to, while Mdma was always super chill. But for some reason these long term comedowns are more associated with E, than with extremely heavy pot use. I'm pretty sure that smoking weed tens of thousands of times, from morning til night every single day, frequently trying to quit and getting my ass kicked both physically and mentally by withdrawal, had a far worse effect on my mental health than 30 rolls in which I hardly ever felt a comedown from. It's just common sense. I'm not getting any better at all, and I'm really starting to worry about the future.

I have finally stopped thinking about weed, it's garbage to me now. This happened after I tried it once recently and had the worst panic attack of my life. Nearly called an ambulance, it was fucking nuts and I downed a bottle of vodka to calm myself down. I can't handle cannabis one bit, and to be honest I never could. Even after puking my guts out for 10 days and losing 20 pounds from the appetite suppression of the withdrawal, my mind was still pumped up to get stoned again after the panic attacks subsided. But my brain has been seeking alternatives now. I'm finally interested in rolling again, after years of abstinence. I'm interested in heroin and meth. I have always been able to handle my drug use apart from the cannabis which I lost my shit with completely. For example I am able to have just one beer and a small line or two then stop. But for now I'm holding out and hoping that I will get better (while I have lost a lot of faith that I will). I have chronic pain as well that nobody can explain. I wonder if it is related to my neurochemistry or if something is wrong physically. I feel that weed was making me hypersensitive to my body. I know that opiate users can develop a sensitivity to pain. I know that I was abusing cannabis the same way that people abuse painkillers because I used to be depressed, although I am without a doubt no longer depressed - just anxious now. It's all very confusing but I am absolutely convinced that my miserable weed addiction, those years of horrible abuse from morning til night, while ignoring the obvious side effects, is at the root of it all. All in all, FUCK smoking weed. I feel like that addictive, deluding fucking garbage has ruined my life at this point. I can't handle the panic symptoms any longer, but I feel like I have them because if I didn't then I'd probably be getting stoned. I'm pretty happy these days but there are just so many problems now and sometimes I just want to snap, give in and get into the heroin. Anything but that miserable fucking weed.

If you don't mind me asking, when you say you have chronic pain that nobody can explain, what does it feel like?

Is the pain all over your body? Is it a sharp pain or a dull-but-gnawing pain? Does it alternate in intensity, or is it always constant?

I too cannot smoke weed anymore because I get these massive panic attacks whenever I do (used to smoke weed for years without problems). But I also know people who appear to be able to function very well in society, and they smoke weed every day.

Regarding methamphetamine - Just in case you aren't aware, it's toxic to your brain (destroys dopamine neurons), and also, potent CNS stimulants (meth, coke) can trigger some catastrophic panic attacks.

I'd see a doctor about those panic attacks (if you haven't already) because you may need or benefit from some form of treatment. As someone who's been living with Panic Disorder for at least a decade, I know how terrifying it can feel to have them. First time I had one, I was convinced I was experiencing a heart attack, as my limbs went numb and I collapsed.

Depending on where you live, you may be able to get some Tylenol 1 with codeine over the counter from your local pharmacy. You might wanna give that a try to see if it helps with your chronic pain, but be aware that each pill has 15mg of caffeine, which can be a trigger for a panic attack for certain people.

 

[ro4eva]

I dont know whats wrong. I keep sliding back into a major depression. Ill get better for a few weeks, then hardcore, I just wanna end my life type of depression.

This doesnt make sense anymore. I cant find any genuine sources of joy for my life, my head feels slow as fuck. This needs to stop. Im so running out of answers. and all I get back is TIME. Like I have all the time on my hands. Im so tired of this shit

You've probably been asked these questions before, so I apologize if I missed your answers, but I'll leave it up to you whether you feel like replying to the following:

Are you on any medication?

When you say your head "feels slow as fuck" do you mean that it's difficult to concentrate, or that it feels like you're almost dreaming (brain fog)?

 

[Dawglaw]

PMZ, I am sorry to hear that you are on such a roller coaster.

Have you considered anti depressants or other medications?