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have you experienced ego death?

Yeah ive never felt so alive. the first time was fucking nuts, it was so wild i completely lost myself, it was only until i returned aprox 15 mins later and could comprehend my arms sticking out infront of me and the dmt pipe on the floor and the smell of DMT that i realized what had happened, everything was morphing and stuff for a lil while after
 
only once, on high dose ketamine and high dose alcohol. It's hard to explain, but I just sort of forgot that anything had ever existed. Not just myself, I felt like I was god before the universe was created, just exisiting in pure, eternal nothingness. Was quite scary at the time.
 
i have once had a trip on lsd where i didn't know who i was, what i was, that something other than my state i was in back then ever existed and i couldn't tell any difference between myself and anything else. still i hard a hard time fighting death and merging into nothingness. had i not done so, i'd probably have experienced ego death and wouldn't have had such a horrifying time. but that's easier said than done when you have no idea you've taken a drug and your resistance is the only thing that prevents the obliteration of all exististence.
 
"I truly lost myself" and "ego death" are just two ways of explaining the same thing. It's not that you look and can't find yourself, it's that there's no you to do the looking. But that's also true of daily life. We don't always walk around reminding ourselves of the fact that we exist - most of our actions are conducted in a fairly unconscious manner.

So ego death isn't that different from a lapse of attention or a period of daydreaming experienced while sober. The psychedelics just stimulate our sense of novelty and make it seem special.
 
Once. on 50mg 4HOMET I was watchin Twin Peaks, and as the series ended *everything became clear*. Everything I had ever wanted to know was laid out for me. Yes I use "I" to tell this story because ther's no other way. I didn't experience anything of this. This IS (an experience). But to tell this story in a somewhat understandable way, I need to convey it as I was experiencing it.

Have you seen the Animatrix film "Beyond" in which a teenage girl follows her cat and some young boys into a haunted house ?
Lots of weird stuff happens but suddenly there's a white light coming down and the boys say "wow this never happened before". Still gets me crying everytime.

That's how it was for me. I was sitting on my chair after TP had ended and suddenly a white light came down.
I say a white light which might lead you to think "I" saw it with my eyes. That's not true. It's difficult to explain. Like previous posters said about "the matrix" and "the barriers of language". This is not something we can describe with the regular conecpts used to convey egobased stories.
Anyway, eyes wide open or closed made no difference and then "I" had my last conscious thought. I don't remember a lot but I remember dying. At first it was scary but because I was feeling so loved I just let it happen.
Then... I don't know... everything I have ever wanted to know became clear.
While coming back into "me" I couldn't see. I held my hand in front of me but all I saw was this white lihgt. Which seemed conscious and loving and all-knowing.
It was eternal. I (soul) had come home. This is when I learned, "I just have to Be Here Now and that's the gateway to living life in its entirety". This was 3 years before reading Ram Dass's Be Here Now. Imagine how I felt when I read it..
Before this experience I was interested in the ways of the Universe, but I wouldn't call myself spiritual or religious. I just had one wish, since I was a kid: I wanted to know *why* I was here on earth. Society goes out of it's way to make it seem meaningless and I couldn't believe that was it. So I was looking for "an answer" you might say. I got it.
The White Light kind of felt like Jesus. I don't know why, I have never been in contact with christianity (apart from primary school's parabels). Jesus lead the Way to the Truth.
The "second coming" is real. It's not a physical event which will transform earth. It's an inner proces. Each individual will at some point learn that inside is the doorway to all that energy, and that's Heaven.
It's not a "place" you go to after you die, it's a vibrational energy that's Here Now.

Since that experience i've decided to dedicate my life to honoring the Universe. I managed to do this for some time, but the ego is strong, and came back full force.
Prior to this I had never been sick (had never even taken paracetamol) and suddenly I had loss of power/feeling in arms and legs, forcing me to quit my job (waiting in a restaurant.)
I interpret this has happened because I "wasn't here" anymore. I said the words and told the stories as if I was an ego that experienced it. Now, after 2 years of being "disabled" (its not that bad, lot of people have it much worse, but I just don't know the english word), I'm again trying to be here now. The being sick was another teaching, just like the 50mg 4HOMET was.

Typed more than I planned for :). Keep in mind this is my experience/opinion. I don't need anyone to buy this nonsense ;).
 
Can't edit. I wanted to add "It is etneral bliss" after "everything I have ever wanted to know became clear. "
 
I've experienced ego death on a few too many occasions, and it is not always as "blissful" and "revealing" as you might expect it to be (though it often is). My various explorations have included 1500ug LSD, 75mg DPT IV (this was an accident, I was going for IM and I hit a vein), 60mg DPT IM followed by two 20mg IV doses seperated by 20mg, 120mg DMT, and 20mg DOM. I definitely like high dose exploration.

Most of these trips were extremely positive, the one exception being the 1500ug LSD trip. I've come to realize that very rarely is street LSD is pure enough to be conducive to high doses; it almost always results in fantastic mania and body tension, if not temporary psychosis (these things were called psychotomimetics for a reason).
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The 75mg IV DPT trip happened outdoors, I was planning on IMing in my car and jogging out to this island in the middle of a river in the woods about a quarter of a mile away (didn't seem to far, I'm a runner, so I expected to get there before I was REALLY tripping). I only made it around 200 meters into the woods before I lost motor control. I was standing, and things were starting to move rather quickly, and a little voice in my brain said "you should lie down... NOW" and I just keeled over, straight into a briar bush (where I spent the next hour or so). This dose was so high that it was too disorienting to be useful.

The only thing I could recall was strobing lights and some sort of internal dialogue that didn't seem particularly relevant... After about an hour, I had regained enough control of my body to pull myself out of the bush. Given that I was expecting a mild-medium trip, I was completely astonished... I had a joint in a container in my pocket, and I figured it would help me "calm my nerves", so I pulled it out and lit it. MISTAKE. The marijuana potentiated the DPT and within another minute I was back in the bush, candy eyed and confused... The only part of this trip that was more memorable than ridiculous was the comedown. Once I had regained motor control, I started wandering towards the island. Nature seemed fantastical. I wandered upon a mushroom and was astonished by how the mycelial network mimics the neural network of the brain. I sat for thirty minutes debating with myself whether or not they could be sentient beings.
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The 100mg total DPT trip was probably the strongest and most interesting trip I've ever had. I had been playing music the whole time, but right after the final injection, an impulse struck me: "This deserves silence." I wobbled and teetered my way to my computer, and turned the music off. I managed to throw myself into bed. Things started getting interesting. My room started to become more and more distorted, until what I was seeing no longer seemed to correlate to any kind of reality. I was in the twisting fourth dimension, out of place, confused, with things moving faster and faster and faster and on and on until...

Silence...

The visuals more or less stopped, and I found myself in complete nothingness; no color, no feeling, no identity, just silence. I was completely free of body and mind, and all I can remember feeling is warmth and love. The first thing thought was: "is this god?". I am and have been a non-believer for many years, so this question jarred me a bit. I felt that the word god was too singular for what I was experiencing; this was not the masculine deity I had been raised with, and this was not the brahmen or enlightenment or anything human in imagination... It was just a realm of ataraxia. I was free from pain and suffering and knew that no matter what there was love and kindness here. I cried for the beauty of nothing. The come down seemed disappointing, and for the next few days I found myself depressed. How do you assimilate such an experience into everyday life? Once you've felt what it's like to be free from the cycle of pain and loss, it all seems quite trivial and depressing.

It took me weeks to figure out what all of this meant to me. I struggled with trying to explain why my extremely pragmatic, non-mystical personality threw me such a curveball in how it responded to DPT. Why did I need love and kindness? Why did I need to be spoiled, if only for thirty minutes? Eventually, I came to realize that in my quest to live a rational, examined life, I had eschewed many of the more human aspects of the human experience. I am a distant person. I tend to communicate without regard to others feelings. I'm a wounded soul who finds some sort of satisfaction in wounding others. I realized that I was shown love and warmth and kindness only because I needed to know they exist, I needed to know they were real...

I don't really have an ending for this story, and I'm sure theres a few typos and poorly written lines in here, but I'm done with breakfast, and I've got to run to work, so that's what I thought I'd regurgitate for you all to hear this morning. Peace.
 
Some make it sound like such a formula. How can this be? It is.
Each experience is unique; like grains of sand arranged along a beach. Once you enter a stage in the mind ready to experience, it becomes involuntary or arbitrary. You will see or you will fight it; all the same. What stage when the self is ready? Now. Always. You read and you know.
The "enlightened mind" is foolish, you only truly experience egodeath when you sleep. This is tied superficially to a certain quantity or type of drug?
When the mind grasps knowledge you can see all these experiences and appreciate the mind for the wonder it is, as separate from you. You see yourself among the sand.
The ego is the mind and a separate thing, a grain of sand, and the mind is the beach. We all share in this experience; as one piece of sand is moved, some feel the water, others see the sun, some feel the wind, most are locked in the darkness and the cold. The ego tells itself I am the beach, the sun, the cold, but you are the experience bridge that comes and goes.
Take these words and be at peace with yourself.
 
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I think the closest I've come to total ego death was at a rave. It was in a totally dark, crumbling beaux arts ball room. As I started to peak on a couple of hits of strong acid, a caffeine/pot brownie and some 2cb or 4-aco-dmt (I don't remember which) the music became very intense.

I lost myself dancing, I had absolutely no sense of my body -- I was everywhere at once, looking down on myself from the ceiling, passing through rooms upstairs, floating by people like a ghost. It was like my head had exploded into a gas of a billion particles that flowed through the building. I've had that sense of oneness with everything many times (even sober!) but this went past that into a sense of absolute nothingness/meaninglessness/timelessness.

I could see how it could be scary but it wasn't for me, probably because I was having a really good time. It went on for at least an hour. I came back to myself because my brainless body assaulted a well-meaning friend who was trying to maneuver me to the bathroom. I guess I was doing a peepee dance, or somehow indicating I had to pee? I snapped back into my body with a jolt, but it took me a few minutes to figure out what was going on, where I was etc. It wasn't upsetting but super confusing.
 
Yes, I have indeed experienced ego death several times. It's the most blissful state of 'oneness' I could ever imagine yet incredibly terrifying as you approach it, as if you are about to dissolve and forever be extensions he'd from the multiverse.
I assume it can be achieved through very intense meditative states, and is probably much easier to integrate through that avenue as it necessarily takes years; if not decades o intense training to even get close to that state.

The dissolution of the ego, and your corresponding view of the universe is immensely scary; humans evolved to have a strong sense of self identity and ego to survive in our cut throat world. Although I intentionally dose incredibly high to get as close as possible to this state, I do so with so much fear and apprehension that I have no choice but to experience severe exestential and psychological anxiety, as well as fear for my physical body.

DOB induced complete ego death for 30+ hours, but was so gentle and incredibly beautiful. I cant help but look back and smile every time I look back to that weekend. It may not have made me the man I am now, but I'll never forget it, and alway feel supreme gratitude to have that experience.
 
if ego is gone how do you know it happened? somewhere something remembered the experience right? that thing is 'i' or 'you' rather? kind of contradictory right?

it's been discussed a lot already here. Ego dissolving is the best term to describe the above experiences i can find.
 
'I' did not exist for the duration of the experience, nor was I aware of anything while immersed. Everything I posted was compiled through deep contemplation, post trip integration, and an indescribable flash of enlightenment many days after the trip.
 
If you can remember it then obviously you still had an ego and you still existed. So you didn't have an ego death.

The only possible "ego-death" would be a complete blackout that you couldn't remember.
 
MXE has given me some proper amazing spiritual experiences as well. DMT and MXE, awesome stuff. but MXE is weird
 
i argued it out hardcore with ismene many times and i fully agree with him on this. Sorry guys, if you remember it, ie. you, in other words, 'I' AKA the ego then you did not have ego death! unless we define death as something we can come back from with memory, which would be rather silly.
 
Yup, I'm with RobotRipping and Ismene on this one too.

I've been through a whiteout before and can say that 'ego death' is not about breaking down the ego, it's the utter obliteration of one's self. And that's something you just can't form a memory for because at that point your senses are so overloaded that they shut down. That's why it's a whiteout and not a blackout. You're still conscious, but you can't process anything that's happening. You are seeing/feeling/being everything at once because there is no longer any boundary between your mind and the universe.

"All things are made from one. And in the end, all things return to one.
In other words, one is all.
And all is one, as well.
All is ultimately of the one, so if all is not included in the one, then all is nothing.

The universe is the all!
And I am the one! "
 
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