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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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There's a few things.. Honestly it's stupid as that things get to me so much. An hour ago I was on a sober high with everything, then I ask one question and curiosity killed this cat.

I need a big change in life, I need to get out of this rutt. Seeing so many people on here posting being so many months sober and giving it a crack is really making me think maybe it's time I took a hard go and sort my shit out because no one else will.
 
^Exactly! Everyone of us who has been sober have fought long and hard and are still fighting. You are definitely right, you are the only one who can turn your life around and however other people around you try to give you advices or opinions, it is you who has the last say as to what you want to do with the change in your life. We are just here to guide you and to help you out.
 
Thanks for the replys. And yeah I know, I've always known.

Maybe I should make it a New Years resolution to ACTUALLY go and deal with my anxiety and see a psych. It's not too late is it?
 
nope its never too late to do anything that will make your life better as long as you are alive ;)
 
Wish I had a car, and my license actually. Getting things done would be so much easier.

I suppose I really need to cut weed out of my life and then to go get refered. Maybe anti depressants would be ok to stablize those brain chemicals. Easier said then done though
 
I am not entirely sure how you are with drugs but if you are addicted to certain types and are abusing then maybe slowly cutting out with be better so that you don't experience bad withdrawals. Also too, if you can, go to a doctor to see what medication will help for you with anxiety.

I also have some anxiety but not as bad as others. I prefer the natural method: exercising, eating healthy and taking supplements. Some people do yoga but I prefer meditation before I go to sleep.
 
Meditation is something I've been thinking about getting into.. Thanks.

I don't have too bad of a drug addiction. I'm not addicted to heroin, meth, coke etc. I think over the years smoking weed has just made me anti social and given me slot of anxiety. ON top of the weed though, I have used and abused my fair share of drugs like LSD and methamp which wouldn't be helping my anxiety.

I just need a nice clear head!
 
Haven't been sober since I was 15. Started smoking weed everyday at 18 started shooting heroin for 2 years. Suboxone maintence 1 year, few relapses, now stuck on methadone at 110mg. Then I did something I promised I'd never do and got hooked on a benzo. Etizolam. Trying to taper but stuck at 8-10mg a day. Last week my parents tried to throw me in the loony bin cuz I was so depressed. I've had wicked anxiety literally all my life. And insomnia. So between panic attacks and sleep deprivation and being depressed from trying to taper 2 heavy ass drugs it's hard to act completely yourself. And this was right when we were getting close again. Theyre the last ones I Have left. i spent Days watching my dad and Finally said "love you" for the first time in decades. No friends. Haven't had a girl in 2 years. Haven't even fucked since then either. So I'm so alone. Stuck with myself and drugs.

I've been cutting on and off since about 15 too. Wen the panic attacks get real bad. I haven't in maybe a week but I keep picking thr scabs just to hurt a little and I want to cut more but I'm too depressed and worn down to even go get my rusty ass blade. Then there's the abortion. When I was 19 my girl and I got pregnant (was fucked on dope, I think I may have done it on purpose just to have a baby to love, don't know, maybe I just can't admit it.) we had the abortion way too late, don't know how the doctor let it happen. We had planned to spend the day together to talk and deal with it. But when we got home her brother was home and she was legit cheery and wouldn't take my hints to get us alone. And I never cried about it till a few days ago. All the way to the methadone clinic. All the way back. 30 min each way. And music and writing, my true passions, I can't even do them.

I have an IQ of 130 (done by a true psychologist, 1 on 1 with a legit test. Look at me I'm special I'm smart) and I've always just felt more than everyone else. I know everyone says that. But hey. I could've been something if I became an author or whatever. But I'm a pussy. I keep dropping out of college and staying on maintence and doing more drugs and self pitying. If I could have 1 thing it'd be a girl. Who liked me for real, for who I was, and wasn't just using me for attention or distraction like te others, and who I didn't just need to lean on. And this is where this all started. A girl like that, and I could've had her, but my best friend wanted her too. So I said you can have her, even though she said she wanted me more. Tats when the drugs started. And now here we are. Or should I say here I am, writing in short, terse, self pitying sentences, in a website that is a pool of the same thing. People who deserve what they got because of no self control. I'm so alone. I wish I could cry about it. But that abortion thing was the only thing that broke through. And it wasn't a real cry, just a silent, one tear a minute type deal.

I'm setting up to see psychiatrists and shit n a few weeks, and move out my parents place. But what about right now. The money's gonna run out and so is the excuses and reasons to keep going. Fuck
 
Hi redrum I'm sorry to hear about your current struggles with addiction. If you have been lurking a lot on bl you can see some threads that are either similar or worse than your situation but there are also success stories. I certainly believe that if you want something so bad you can get it. I'm one of the people who believes in hardwork and damn I worked hard to fight my battles so if I did it so can you!

It is sad I know specially if you are longing for love and affection. I've had bad experiences with my past relationships and felt that at that time none of my exes really loved me but right now I found a guy who is crazy about me and he knows my past. I also believe that the right one will come in time maybe not now but it will you can trust me on that. What you need to focus on right now is to get better get educated and everything else comes after that. Imagine what you can do in school with that kind of intelligence you can be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever you'd like to be. Its all in your hands.
 
Some people process grief in a delayed way, seems like your girlfriend's abortion hit you like that. How long have you been broken up? She's probably suffering too but if it's possible, reach out to her and tell her how you feel. It would be great for you to get back into college and leave the drugs behind.

One step at a time though, you have to be honest when you see the psychiatrist about the etizolam. He can help you wean off them. Then work on the methadone. Honestly I don't think it's a good time to move out, wait until you're stable and off the drugs. You're overwhelmed emotionally and it's good you have the support of your parents. It's not going to happen in one full sweep though, start with therapy and eventually you can beat this! Hang in there. <3
 
TC - Sorry to hear about your son. Hope he gets better soon.

Can someone help me with my avater pls? I want to show my sleeve but it keeps going sideways. Any help would be very appreciated.

On a serious note thats just made me cry n feel sick. I read something a group member put up about addicts in hospital after a H substitute was flesh eating. This is a bloody cruel evil world sometimes why would anyone give someone something like that, that could hurt/ kill them??? Im really upset over this n crying my eyes out :(
 
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off topic for Evey:
NSFW:
^ Go to :http://pixlr.com/editor/ select open image from computer, select the image you want to edit (the sleeve avatar), find it on your computer and click it and it will open up in the pixlr window, then select "IMAGE" in the toolbar inside the pixlr window and select rotate canvas 90 CW until it's at the right orientation that you want. Then save it, and reupload it to Bluelight :).

If you can't figure it out PM me the image and tell me what way you want it facing (i.e.: wrist towards the ground; wrist upwards, etc.) and I'll do it for you.

Eveleivibe said:
Can someone help me with my avater pls? I want to show my sleeve but it keeps going sideways. Any help would be very appreciated.
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Also, questions like these are best suited for Support, I of course have no problem answering it quick but as you can see it does lead the thread off topic and it gets it's own dedicated thread in support which is answered quickly and is less likely to be looked over since it's in it's correct area.
 
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Thank you stardust that's kind of you. Sorry I didn't know about support. I was really venting about the avater n just ended aasking in frustration sort of thing. I will go to support in future. I'll do as you said when I get on laptop (on iPhone at mo which I use for everything, pics ).
 
No problem Evey :). I gotcha, Support is sort of a vent at the site/ask for help kind of area. You'll see there are threads where people are asking and frustrated about the servers and other things---It's a very helpful section. Glad I could help you out with the avatar and show you about our technical Support section. If you can't figure out how to work pixlr, just shoot me a PM with the avatar picture and I'll do it for you quickly. :) <3.

Also RedRum OG, I was addicted to etizolam for over a year, I was using around 6mgs/day. I attempted several times to taper myself but it was unsuccessful, the lowest I was able to get on my own was 3mgs for a very short time. It's very difficult IMO to taper with etizolam because of it's short half-life (4-5 hours). I eventually bit the bullet and saw a psychiatrist specializing in mental health almost 5 months ago and she switched me to klonopin (with a reasonably similar although lower dose). It worked out well and I adjusted to the lower dose fast, it also has a much longer half-life and one pill would last me through the entire day and then another through the entire night--no more waking up in sheer panic or needing to constantly dose every 4-5 hours throughout the day. I would highly suggest, if you can afford it (even if you can't as it's worth it with how much you are spending on etizolam), to see a psychiatrist and explain the situation and try to get on a longer acting benzo (either for maintenance if you have anxiety, or to taper). Either way, your etizolam use is just going to get worse and worse and so will how you feel. I speak from experience because I know how bad it was when I was addicted to etizolam so I don't wish that for anyone. Switching to a prescribed medication (for taper/maintenance) has helped me turn my life around. I feel for what you're going through <3.


Try reading a little from this thread about my success getting off etizolam and the advice I offered there: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/...ber-thread?p=11857619&viewfull=1#post11857619

You can search my username in this thread (I report daily) and see my progress and how easy and successful the transition was off of etizolam once I saw my psychiatrist: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/...can-do-it!?p=11781896&viewfull=1#post11781896
 
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Grrrrr i am so annoyed with a famiky member bragging how they went to Florida disney workd how they went to an ice cream factory n this that n bloody other. I put a lovely green party dress on my child so she hasto put a red one on her spoilt brat of a child 'from Florida.' They know I can't drive due to my eyesight but do they offer to help n take my child to the beach no they don't. Also when they're around my child their brats flaunt their expensive stuff when I've had to get into debt to make sure my child gets presents but i make sure she doesn't miss out.
Their kids are not grateful for anything they get.
It's fkn annoying so much for families sticking together. I really don't need her making me feel inadequate, bragging about her expensive holidays known I could never take my child abroad. I 'd never treat people like that but being a single mother has shown me that no one gives a fkn damn at all.
 
<3 Try not to get mad or jealous at others successes Evey, I let things like that get to me at times and it really doesn't do any good. Be happy for what you have, be happy your child appreciates you and will appreciate what you were able to do for her when she is older.

My parents were very poor when I was young and were unable to take me on fancy vacations or dress me in expensive fashionable/in clothing. My brother who is 8 years younger than me got to experience much more than I did in regards to vacations as well as having all the in clothing. Though I will always appreciate how hard my parents worked to provide the best they could for me.

Don't compare others lives/successes or failures to your life. They're not you, I'm sure you and your daughter have things (even if they aren't tangible) that their family doesn't. Just be thankful for what you have, otherwise you will dwell on things that you cannot change and it just brings you down. <3
 
I suppose you're right she does not have to lord things in mine n my child's face tho.
 
I've been thinking about my ex a lot and honestly fuck him.

He hurt me too much. I can't be with a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive scumbag. Yet the question remains.. why do I still miss him? Maybe its something else that I'm missing. Familiarity? Memories? I met him when I was 17 and we did go through a lot together, but fuck I don't know what happened to change him. How can two people to from being madly in love to lying and basically hating each other?

I know I'll never have the answers to these questions, and that's fine, I just need to find a way to stop obsessing over him and what he's doing. Who he's doing- especially now that he's in the military and thousands of miles away. Things will never be the same between him and I, even if I wanted it to work.

I guess his lying was a sign for me to move on. Go on to brighter horizons. It'll always hurt and there will always be a twinge of feelings for him in my heart, but after everything it will never work.

Now...what to do today rather than lying in bed feeling sorry for myself? Maybe I'll go to the mall or work on my project for school which I haven't even touched.

I just read my horoscope from yahoo shine and shivered haha. It's so dead on accurate:

Try not to spend too much time all by yourself today -- things are sure to get better soon, but only if you can find some new way to collaborate or at least hang out with like-minded people.
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