Has anyone ever relapsed after long-term sobriety?

[SayingSeven]

Hi, I'm a long-time lurker here... for some reason felt compelled to post tonight. Honestly I think I'm just desperate for some kind of support because there's no one in my life who is able to understand what I'm going through.

I have almost 2 years clean from heroin (IV), as well as most addictive substances (except for some alcohol here and there). For a long time I really felt free of addiction, but in the last several months I've been struggling a lot with thoughts of using. It started out very subtly; I would try to ignore the thoughts but eventually ended up entertaining them. Gradually it got worse, to the point where now I'll tie off my arm sometimes and feel my veins and just fantasize about getting high. Oh my gosh--the urge is so powerful again, even after all this time! Now I feel on the verge of a relapse. I don't have any connections anymore, which makes it easier not to use, but sometimes when I'm riding the bus I think about going down to places where I'm sure I could score if I set my mind to it. That scares me though, as I think I've developed more of an appreciation for consequences, if something were to go wrong. I would hate to lose my freedom or my money (both of which have happened in the past)--or worse. At the same time, I really do feel like I could control my use if I were to pick up heroin again... I feel like I've learned from my mistakes, and why shouldn't I be able to get high sometimes? Part of me recognizes this is foolish thinking... But maybe I'm just not cut out for a lifetime of sobriety.

Anyway, that's the short version of my story/what I'm going through. The weirdest part is that I had a period of time where I felt like I wasn't an addict anymore, like I was free. Has anyone ever felt that way, only to be assaulted once again by urges to get high? Why does this happen? Did you relapse after long-term sobriety, or find a way to deal with the temptation and overcome the desire to use?

 

[Maya]

^yes I have many times but my relapse will usually not last for a long time. It usually lasted a day or two from alcohol thrn I'd pick up myself and go on. I think that the more you feel sorry for yourself and beat yourself up from relapse, the more it will drown you so through the process Ive kearned to just tell mysf " ok listen you have relapsed but its not the end of the world"

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey 7 and welcome to Blue Light. This is how addiction works.. please take a gander throungh this thread >here< and read through the cycle of addiction part.

The thing about the fantasizing is that its fantasy.. by this I mean our addiction whispers to us how we are missing out on the most amazing thing.. how if we use we will feel amazing.. it says why try and be strong when you will feel s good... the thing is that it lies.. the pictures and feelings it sends in the fantasies are just snap shots.. we always fantasies about the few times we felt really good and had good times.. why dont we ever fantasize about the way it really was.. the constant anxiety of trying to get some shit so we could feel worse than we fell 99% of the time when we are clean.

addiction takes those snap shots and uses them to try and entice us back.. it whispers I will make the world right and make you feel wonderful.. It lies every time.. when we relapse its never how we think it will be.. those days are long gone if they ever existed at all.. it wares us down and makes us think that we need a break.. just a little break.. but the truth is that we dont get a break.. as soon as we use we dont get a reprieve from or addictions, its not a break, it doesn't make things better or easier, in fact it makes everything worse.. the caving come back for real, the anxiety gets much worse.. the isolation and soul crushing properties of the drugs slip in immediately..

So the addiction whispers all these wonderful things.. lies all lies.. when we use we dont feel like it says.. not at all.. maybe the first time it feel ok.. not like what it said though.. no not like it said.. yeah we feel ok, but really kinda sick, itchy, upset stomach, but the biggest thing I think is how one use just takes that soul we have away.. that spark for life, the smile we get sometimes, the flare we have gotten so used to and have forgotten we had ever lost, forgotten how good it was to have it come back..

So after the use (if we make it through as by far the most OD's of my friends were on a relapse) So we use and think to ourselves wow that wasn't what I thought it was going to be.. it actually kinda sucked.. so we get rid of all the shit we had collected up for the relapse.. with the use we remember why we made the huge effort to quit this awful shit in the first place.

But know we are much closer to the flames.. we have set ourselves there.. we had to get the drugs from somewhere so we likely now have a connection, and we have fired back up that sleeping dragon.. we gave that insane addiction a taste.. and it wants more.. cause addiction isn't about feeling good.. it doesn't care that you have decided that it wasn't even close to worth it.. it doesn't care that it makes you feel like shit.. it doesn't care that it will drag you back to hell and could ruin your life.. it doesn't care about all you have accomplish, it doesn't care it just want to use.. so it will push and drive and crave much harder than it was before.. it will tell you well why not use just once more.. what harm could be in that. it will say you lost all that time anyway (more lies).. it will try and break you until you say ok well i will just use once a month.. then once a week, then only on the weekends, then not in the morning, and somewhere in this whole misery we become fully fucked again.. fully fucked and we were miserable the whole time..

So then if we haven't OD'd we make the monumental climb back out of the new whole we have just dug.. it whispers total nonsense.. its insane so dont fall for its bullshit.. dont get played.

Active addiction is hell.. it tells us to jump back in the flames.. you know just to warm up for a bit.. it hypnotizes us with utter bullshit..

If you dont want to get played then play the whole movie of what drug addiction is really like.. the soulless feeling, the anxiety, the loss of control, the hopelessness fo use, how unsatisfying it is every time, no passion, no spark, the depression, the pain, That is what addiction really is.. not that what are you fighting for I will make you feel amazing shit it whispers, utter lies lies and more lies.. how do you know its a lie, if it makes you want to use its a lie.. think back at it how it really is.. call it on its shit and tell it how it really is, laugh at its nonsense.. call it on its bullshit. So you dont get played, play back the whole tape of how life in addiction really is. Lies Lies Lies..

You can pull out of this slide.. there is nothing left back there for you but misery..

Your doing great... congratulations on all you have accomplished and keep up the amazing work.

 

[Space Firebird]

^^great post.

 

[S0SickofThesePills]

I agree. Good stuff NSM

 

[ad lib]

I've recently relapsed after about 9 months of sobriety. I beat myself up for it and I still am. But I've realized I have to let it to and just forget about it. I have to realize to enjoy the present and not focus on the stresses of the next day...

 

[MDPV_Psychosis]

Holy shit neversickanymore! That post was amazing. I think you just saved me from relapse...

Now let's hope the same for the op.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I was 100% clean for seven months, not even a co-codamol or shandy. Back on the edge of being in the shit now.

I don't believe it's as black and white as saying someone is either an addict or not, like the 12 step view. I think we are all somewhere on a spectrum and where we are on that spectrum can change. IMO what's important is to learn to recognise when I'm slipping back to those addict ways, and learn tools to make sure I don't respond by using.

 

[SayingSeven]

Thank you all for the replies. Neversickanymore--thank you so much for taking the time to be supportive and write what you did. It does help. I know I need to play the tape through to the end. About half the time I do, and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about things that I went through, things I put other people through. But then I start to feel ashamed again, which I thought I had gotten over. In the morning I feel so grateful that I haven't used, but as the day wears on into the night I just want to use. I start thinking I could use on occasion--maybe just 5 dollars worth, to make sure I don't overdose--as something to look forward to in order to get through the days and deal with all the stress. But I need to remember this is a lie... even if I could manage it for a while, it wouldn't end well. Eventually it would mess with my mind and take away everything I've worked for.

I just need to figure out how to get these thoughts out of my head... I feel guilty for even having the thoughts--and then I think I might as well be using because even the thoughts alone are negatively affecting my life and mood and my interactions with friends and family. And I'm not even getting high! It's just dumb, really. I can't fight these thoughts for the rest of my life--that is a horrifying notion to me--so they really just need to go away and stay away, if I'm going to stay clean.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Thank you all for the replies. Neversickanymore--thank you so much for taking the time to be supportive and write what you did. It does help. I know I need to play the tape through to the end. About half the time I do, and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about things that I went through, things I put other people through. But then I start to feel ashamed again, which I thought I had gotten over. In the morning I feel so grateful that I haven't used, but as the day wears on into the night I just want to use. I start thinking I could use on occasion--maybe just 5 dollars worth, to make sure I don't overdose--as something to look forward to in order to get through the days and deal with all the stress. But I need to remember this is a lie... even if I could manage it for a while, it wouldn't end well. Eventually it would mess with my mind and take away everything I've worked for.

I just need to figure out how to get these thoughts out of my head... I feel guilty for even having the thoughts--and then I think I might as well be using because even the thoughts alone are negatively affecting my life and mood and my interactions with friends and family. And I'm not even getting high! It's just dumb, really. I can't fight these thoughts for the rest of my life--that is a horrifying notion to me--so they really just need to go away and stay away, if I'm going to stay clean.

1. What you are feeling is absolutely normal, welcome to the family!
2. Stop beating yourself up. You need to deal with the negative consequences of your actions but just hammering yourself over them will only lead you back to using.
3. Remember your head will lie to you. IMO it's not as clear as just saying ever use a substance again and you will return to full blown (although I am sure that is true of some people), but it will lie to you saying certain things are ok when you know for a fact they aren't.

I have failed to heed my own advice and I am back on the edge of the shit.

Just my opinion.

I'm feeling kind of lost atm because I am back to having serious drug problems and I don't want to go the 12 step route again. NHS drug support is pretty shitty, learning about cycle of relapse isn't going to help my type. Luckily there is a strong drug project in the city I have moved to and I am going to go and ask them for help.

ALWAYS ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT, DON'T BE SCARED TO SHOW VULNERABILITY.

 

[amnesiaseizure]

Hey 7 and welcome to Blue Light. This is how addiction works.. please take a gander throungh this thread >here< and read through the cycle of addiction part.

The thing about the fantasizing is that its fantasy.. by this I mean our addiction whispers to us how we are missing out on the most amazing thing.. how if we use we will feel amazing.. it says why try and be strong when you will feel s good... the thing is that it lies.. the pictures and feelings it sends in the fantasies are just snap shots.. we always fantasies about the few times we felt really good and had good times.. why dont we ever fantasize about the way it really was.. the constant anxiety of trying to get some shit so we could feel worse than we fell 99% of the time when we are clean.

addiction takes those snap shots and uses them to try and entice us back.. it whispers I will make the world right and make you feel wonderful.. It lies every time.. when we relapse its never how we think it will be.. those days are long gone if they ever existed at all.. it wares us down and makes us think that we need a break.. just a little break.. but the truth is that we dont get a break.. as soon as we use we dont get a reprieve from or addictions, its not a break, it doesn't make things better or easier, in fact it makes everything worse.. the caving come back for real, the anxiety gets much worse.. the isolation and soul crushing properties of the drugs slip in immediately..

So the addiction whispers all these wonderful things.. lies all lies.. when we use we dont feel like it says.. not at all.. maybe the first time it feel ok.. not like what it said though.. no not like it said.. yeah we feel ok, but really kinda sick, itchy, upset stomach, but the biggest thing I think is how one use just takes that soul we have away.. that spark for life, the smile we get sometimes, the flare we have gotten so used to and have forgotten we had ever lost, forgotten how good it was to have it come back..

So after the use (if we make it through as by far the most OD's of my friends were on a relapse) So we use and think to ourselves wow that wasn't what I thought it was going to be.. it actually kinda sucked.. so we get rid of all the shit we had collected up for the relapse.. with the use we remember why we made the huge effort to quit this awful shit in the first place.

But know we are much closer to the flames.. we have set ourselves there.. we had to get the drugs from somewhere so we likely now have a connection, and we have fired back up that sleeping dragon.. we gave that insane addiction a taste.. and it wants more.. cause addiction isn't about feeling good.. it doesn't care that you have decided that it wasn't even close to worth it.. it doesn't care that it makes you feel like shit.. it doesn't care that it will drag you back to hell and could ruin your life.. it doesn't care about all you have accomplish, it doesn't care it just want to use.. so it will push and drive and crave much harder than it was before.. it will tell you well why not use just once more.. what harm could be in that. it will say you lost all that time anyway (more lies).. it will try and break you until you say ok well i will just use once a month.. then once a week, then only on the weekends, then not in the morning, and somewhere in this whole misery we become fully fucked again.. fully fucked and we were miserable the whole time..

So then if we haven't OD'd we make the monumental climb back out of the new whole we have just dug.. it whispers total nonsense.. its insane so dont fall for its bullshit.. dont get played.

Active addiction is hell.. it tells us to jump back in the flames.. you know just to warm up for a bit.. it hypnotizes us with utter bullshit..

If you dont want to get played then play the whole movie of what drug addiction is really like.. the soulless feeling, the anxiety, the loss of control, the hopelessness fo use, how unsatisfying it is every time, no passion, no spark, the depression, the pain, That is what addiction really is.. not that what are you fighting for I will make you feel amazing shit it whispers, utter lies lies and more lies.. how do you know its a lie, if it makes you want to use its a lie.. think back at it how it really is.. call it on its shit and tell it how it really is, laugh at its nonsense.. call it on its bullshit. So you dont get played, play back the whole tape of how life in addiction really is. Lies Lies Lies..

You can pull out of this slide.. there is nothing left back there for you but misery..

Your doing great... congratulations on all you have accomplished and keep up the amazing work.

I don't think I've read a more accurate description of addiction. Please don't go back OP, I did in 2009 and I had another 3 years of suffering. It taught me exactly what this post has described. I now have a daughter and am never going back to heroin again.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Yup, great post.

 

[neversickanymore]

Thanks guys.. I think the biggest turn in my recovery came when I went from doing everything I could to not use and made the transition to not wanting to use. I was able to do this by looking honestly what the use of a substance I am addicted to really looks and feels like. We aren't missing out on anything but Misery

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I think I'm getting there.

I do still want to use a variety of substances all the time (and at the moment am again), but I know what happens when I do. If I'm honest I'm back to believing I can use certain drugs successfully, even though I can't have cannabis in the house without smoking a bong before getting out of bed.

I know that is all totally paradoxical but such is the nature of addiction I guess. Whatever the fuck addiction is.

All I know is that what I am doing atm is not what I need to be.

 

[SayingSeven]

1. What you are feeling is absolutely normal, welcome to the family!
2. Stop beating yourself up. You need to deal with the negative consequences of your actions but just hammering yourself over them will only lead you back to using.
3. Remember your head will lie to you. IMO it's not as clear as just saying ever use a substance again and you will return to full blown (although I am sure that is true of some people), but it will lie to you saying certain things are ok when you know for a fact they aren't.

I have failed to heed my own advice and I am back on the edge of the shit.

Just my opinion.

I'm feeling kind of lost atm because I am back to having serious drug problems and I don't want to go the 12 step route again. NHS drug support is pretty shitty, learning about cycle of relapse isn't going to help my type. Luckily there is a strong drug project in the city I have moved to and I am going to go and ask them for help.

ALWAYS ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT, DON'T BE SCARED TO SHOW VULNERABILITY.

Thank you for the support. I wish you the best!

 

[SayingSeven]

Thanks guys.. I think the biggest turn in my recovery came when I went from doing everything I could to not use and made the transition to not wanting to use. I was able to do this by looking honestly what the use of a substance I am addicted to really looks and feels like. We aren't missing out on anything but Misery

See, I went through that transition and had those realizations before. I really, truly did not want to use. I thought I was done with addiction! But then it came creeping back. Maybe I need to figure out how that happened... what triggered it. I really can't think of anything specific.

 

[SayingSeven]

I think I'm getting there.

I do still want to use a variety of substances all the time (and at the moment am again), but I know what happens when I do. If I'm honest I'm back to believing I can use certain drugs successfully, even though I can't have cannabis in the house without smoking a bong before getting out of bed.

I know that is all totally paradoxical but such is the nature of addiction I guess. Whatever the fuck addiction is.

All I know is that what I am doing atm is not what I need to be.

My problem is that I know I have the capacity to practice a lot of self control... I know I can smoke pot and drink on occasion and not have a problem. I went from smoking a pack of cigarettes a day for years to smoking just a few a day, and even though I want to smoke more, I don't. I manage to stick to the rules I set up for myself. Heroin is the only drug that took over my will to the extent that it did, but then I never really tried to enforce rules to control my use. All that went out the window in the very beginning after injecting for the first time. But there's a part of me that really feels like I could control it now, if I set my mind to it. Another part of me seriously doubts this... and the battle continues.

 

[neversickanymore]

I think you may have answered your own question there seven.. you state that you are able to control everything except the herion.. so I feel that you will just end up in a huge whole if you go back and give it another try. I have identified the drugs that I have no control over.. nicotine is one of them for me.. I went five months without a single cigarette.. just when I stopped really craving them I decided that I would be able to control the use of them and just have one here and there.. so I had one with others on break at work.. with in three days I was bought a pack and with in a few weeks I was right back to where I started. I feel this is really common for the drugs we are really addicted to.

What is it that you are thinking the occasional use of herion will bring to your life?

 

[RVAbrowntownRVA]

Yes had almost 7 yrs.

 

[SayingSeven]

I think you may have answered your own question there seven.. you state that you are able to control everything except the herion.. so I feel that you will just end up in a huge whole if you go back and give it another try. I have identified the drugs that I have no control over.. nicotine is one of them for me.. I went five months without a single cigarette.. just when I stopped really craving them I decided that I would be able to control the use of them and just have one here and there.. so I had one with others on break at work.. with in three days I was bought a pack and with in a few weeks I was right back to where I started. I feel this is really common for the drugs we are really addicted to.

What is it that you are thinking the occasional use of herion will bring to your life?

Good question! haha. Part of me feels like having that occasional release to look forward to would help me get through the things I need to get through... Realistically, though, I know it would probably only make day-to-day living harder. If I got high sometimes, I know I would want to be high all the time, so I would either give in and use as much as possible or stick to my rules and be irritable and resentful the majority of the time. Either way, it's no way to live... I know that. There's nothing good there for me. And yet, I keep obsessing. Uhg... I guess it just feels good sometimes to give up, when you've been fighting something for so long... but I'm still fighting.

Yes had almost 7 yrs.

What happened?