I Need an Outside View -- Help Me Out v. Teamwork

[stardust.hero]

This is a thread to post about a minor issue/problem you are having in life and would like an outside view from others on the subject.

Post about slight problems you are having, if you need advice on a particular situation. Anything.

The Social Rules (no drug talk), TDS Guidelines, and BLUA apply in this thread.​

 

[stardust.hero]

Okay so slight personality flaw.. Need an outside view on how to conquer this as it's something that has made and still makes me look bad on certain occasions.

I have difficulty telling the truth when I know or think it is something somebody doesn't want to hear. This usually ends up getting me in trouble at times because sometimes people expect something and it isn't quite how I made it out.

For example I told somebody I would be awake and meet them at 2 (foster dog meet thing -- don't let your mind go in the gutter), and I ended up not being available yet at that time. Instead of just telling them I needed an hour more and asking if that was okay (I assumed they would think I was an ass for not being ready yet when I said I would be), I made up excuses to sugarcoat the situation.

 

[Maya]

Sometimes I have the same problem. I like to please people a lot so I would try to jyst not say anything and tolerate. What I found helpful is to just send a text message or email messages. Would this be a good way start for you? Its just hard sometimes to say it in person as I always try to avoid conflicts but at least this way it will be less brutal.

 

[caseface99]

^^ I do this too, except almost to the point where I willingly diminish my communication skills by using text/email as a crutch to avoid conflict. I think there needs to be a balance.

I totally understand what older people meant now, about the internet generation lacking proper communication skills.

Great thread idea by the way!

 

[stardust.hero]

Sometimes I have the same problem. I like to please people a lot so I would try to jyst not say anything and tolerate. What I found helpful is to just send a text message or email messages. Would this be a good way start for you? Its just hard sometimes to say it in person as I always try to avoid conflicts but at least this way it will be less brutal.

I actually did use this technique, by emailing the lady except I lied and said my phone was not working (see where I'm coming from), and asked her if we could meet tomorrow instead.

I want to be able to be more blunt. Perhaps it's something I just can't change, and it's just a weird undesirable quirk about me.

^^ I do this too, except almost to the point where I willingly diminish my communication skills by using text/email as a crutch to avoid conflict. I think there needs to be a balance.

I totally understand what older people meant now, about the internet generation lacking proper communication skills.

Great thread idea by the way!

yeah I definitely agree with the new generations of technology becoming a crutch. I'm really looking for ways people have forced themselves to be more blunt. Do you just force yourself to be blunt/(rude--even though it's not actually rude I just think it is)?

Atleast I know it's not just me who does it

Glad you like the thread idea Casey . I think it'll be helpful and a nice little addition to TDS's threads.

 

[Maya]

Ok how about this approach. Let's say you are with a group of friends and then you noticed something you didn't like about one of your friends. Would you be able to pull that friend aside and talk to him/her? Would you be able to talk to that friend about let's say the attitude and word it this way:

Hey (friend's name) you know you are an awesome guy but (state the reason) so kind of like start it in a way that you are trying to make it a positive reinforcement rather than saying it harshly.

Regarding your appointment, I would have said it like this:

"Hey I am so sorry but I really need an extra hour." "Would it be okay,?" and then wait for the response.

I hope this kind of helps. I need to practice this too so we can both work on our bluntness :D

 

[neversickanymore]

This si a great thread..

So what is going on if a person you are in a relationship starts sorta projecting some of their their actions on to you. I will give an example so hopefully the idea will become clear... I just haven't ever experienced or heard about this.

so lets say you are in a relationship with someone and they do the most bizarre thing many times.. So say they are doing whatever and then something comes up to make them upset and all the sudden they are claiming that you are doing this thing and are upset with you for doing something you have never done but they do. alright i know that the interpretation in a relationship can be diff rent with regards to each side.. so I will try and make this clear as I can.. So say you are going out with a person who sails a yacht ever weekend.. you have never even been on a boat.. so all the sudden this person gets all mad at you and accuses you of spending all your time sailing and ignoring them.. and this seems to be a real reaction form them.. but the reality is with out any room for deliberation is that they have been doing this and you haven't even ever been on a boat..

That is as clear as I can put it.. any responses will be awesome.. but I will tell you right now that enough of these instances were about something so specific that they left no more illegitimacy from personal interpretation than this hypothetical case did..

The only hints I have towards this persons personality is that they are an ex addict, they have totally unjustified self confidence and images struggles.

 

[Maya]

Ok so just that I understand your gf blames you for something you haven't done correct? She's accusing you of something she thinks you are doing behind her back?

I just fel that she has insecurity issues or paranoid about stuff. Have you spoken to her about this and how did the conversation go?

 

[tricomb]

I CONSTANLY run late. I don't know why the things in life delay me to the point that they do, but it takes me so long to be ready to go out what with the chronic pain, depression and panic/anxiety, substance abuse, I feel like I'm having the same problem as stardust.hero, If I tell a client that I can meet them and help them out (again, don't put your mind in the gutter, Ive never sold drugs or my body in my life, nor will I) with a legitimate technological/IT/network/virus removal and prevention service, but If I say I'm meeting them at 1PM, I will be getting ready from the point I wake up (which could be like, 8pm, blowing off the appointment and losing money and respect) to 1PM and 1PM comes and goes and I'm still just about to get in the shower, then getting dressed, both of which are problematic for me as a chronic pain patient with no caregiver, and I don't know what to say or how to get in communication with my client to let them know I'm running late, usually like clockwork I'm an hour later than whatever time I say I'll be ready.

The problem extends to when friends are picking me up to go do something recreational and not business-related, like to a party, or to just chill somewhere in oAK-47land and/or San Fransicko, they'll be waiting out in the car, honking, as I frantically check my pockets and make sure I'm presentable and have everything that I'll need (Im just going to say legal lethal and non lethal forms of "protection"), and of course my critical medications, a million watt taser, CS military tear gas, all three cell phones and two pagers, chargers for these devices, my GPS if we're going somewhere new, and my tiny to-go medical kit w/ isopropyl,

NSFW:

epi-pen, Narcan, anti-convulsants, and clean syringes if I'm going to be around those who abuse a substance via that route

, KEYS of course and the RSA code generator, an encrypted USB drive with a bunch of "protection" on it and basically, I have to bring a backpack....)

There is no drug talk which makes this EXTREMELY difficult to discuss the issues freely, so I tried my best not to contain anything triggering and I didn't say anything about my use of substances, just that I needed medications and that they add in variables which can influence my readiness.

 

[tricomb]

By the way, ingenious idea for a thread, this is great, I just hope that nothing will come off as triggering, it's the last thing I want to do, I don't post on bluelight to discuss how awesome it is to abuse drugs because it's not awesome, it's soul-destroying and self destructive and I don't want to glorify drug abuse in any way, shape, or form, I hope my NSFW tags were what the OP wanted, even though none of the compounds I mentioned are abusable, they are rescue medications / antidotes. Hope the way I did this is okay.

 

[caseface99]

^^ Sounds like they have difficult feelings concerning the behavior/action in question and they are projecting their feelings onto you because they are confused and don't know how to process the emotion.

In other words, they are being sort of insane (common for recovering addicts) and you should probably be as strait up and blunt with them as possible (without being mean) and explain things from your perspective.

 

[neversickanymore]

Ok so just that I understand your gf blames you for something you haven't done correct? She's accusing you of something she thinks you are doing behind her back?

I just feel that she has insecurity issues or paranoid about stuff. Have you spoken to her about this and how did the conversation go?

im sorry if im not clear as this has baffled BAFFLED me for awhile.. so she will do something and then get upset at some time and say that i did this when it was her.. its like a she somehow in her mind projects what she is uncomfortable about doing onto me.. now im not talking about a situation where we were both involved or even present together... i am talking about things that she has done alone.. not with my involvement and not in my presence.. and then awhile later or when ever she gets up set she will confront me about an act almost identical to the one she did that i cant equate to anything i did but can easily return to her recent actions a great percentage of the time.. not always because we have separate lives when we are apart.. not controlling or a need to know or want to know all partner.. this often happens after sex and the better the sex the more of a reaction.. i was thinking, and i have no idea but i was thinking it has to do with a strong internal conflict that is brought to a head buy the strong intimacy brought on by really good sex.. but this isn't some random thing and its not something i have ever come across or heard someone talk about.. could it be some unusual way of dealing with guilt? also she presents this in many different ways.. that is she will confront me via many different mediums and in many different emotional states and i dont think there is anyway she doesn't believe that she is bring real ??

 

[caseface99]

My girlfriend is freaking out right now about god knows what...

It started when she got back from the pharmacy with some antibiotics and cough syrup (she's sick) and she asked me if I thought the bottle of cough syrup was correct, saying to only take 1-2 teaspoons every 4 hours. She showed me the bottle, I looked and saw that it contained codeine (we're both in recovery) and so before answering her actual question, I asked her if she knew it contained drugs, opiates - She responded by grabbing the bottle back throwing it on her desk and proceeding to study for her chem. exam. She didn't let me finish.. I was going to say that because it contains opiates, YES, the label is correct and not to take any more than a couple teaspoons every few hours.

But instead, like I said she didn't let me finish and got all clearly annoyed for some reason. I don't like when people do shit like that because I grew up in a home with a lot of yelling, screaming, throwing, and breaking of shit - So I just went back to doing whatever on my computer and basically didn't say anything to her after that.

Then an hour or two later as she's getting ready to leave to go take her chem exam, she asks if we can step into the hallway and talk for a minute and gets all upset with me for not comforting her and being there for her when she's sick and upset and all this shit - My response was simple. I tried to answer a question she asked me, but she didn't let me finish assumed I was being a dick or something and slammed the shit on her desk and ignored me. Then expects me to comfort her for that? Fuck no. I reminded her how much I hate that kind of behavior (she knows my past) and said I was sorry if she thought I was being an asshole but she didn't let me finish and I was just trying to make sure she knew A, exactly what she was taking and then B, was going to explain that YES because THIS IS WHAT IT IS, don't take more than directed.

She wasn't listening basically, and left for class saying shit like "wow, thanks, really needed this going into my chem. mid term.. etc."


Did I do something wrong here?? Should I have comforted her for getting annoyed and cutting me off then acting like a child about it? What Could I have done differently, and what can I do to try and fix this when she gets back from her exam?

I'm supposed to be on a bus going back home right now, but I'd REALLY rather not leave like this...


Edit: So I waited for her to get back from class instead of leaving, ended up being a waste of time though. Just got on the bus to head back home. Great way to leave things.

 

[Maya]

im sorry if im not clear as this has baffled BAFFLED me for awhile.. so she will do something and then get upset at some time and say that i did this when it was her.. its like a she somehow in her mind projects what she is uncomfortable about doing onto me.. now im not talking about a situation where we were both involved or even present together... i am talking about things that she has done alone.. not with my involvement and not in my presence.. and then awhile later or when ever she gets up set she will confront me about an act almost identical to the one she did that i cant equate to anything i did but can easily return to her recent actions a great percentage of the time.. not always because we have separate lives when we are apart.. not controlling or a need to know or want to know all partner.. this often happens after sex and the better the sex the more of a reaction.. i was thinking, and i have no idea but i was thinking it has to do with a strong internal conflict that is brought to a head buy the strong intimacy brought on by really good sex.. but this isn't some random thing and its not something i have ever come across or heard someone talk about.. could it be some unusual way of dealing with guilt? also she presents this in many different ways.. that is she will confront me via many different mediums and in many different emotional states and i dont think there is anyway she doesn't believe that she is bring real ??

That's a really odd behavior imo. Hmm cause what I know is that the greater the sex the deeper the connection a nd love. It seems like with her it is the opposite. Did you ever try to speak with her regarding this? How was the conversation like?

My girlfriend is freaking out right now about god knows what...

It started when she got back from the pharmacy with some antibiotics and cough syrup (she's sick) and she asked me if I thought the bottle of cough syrup was correct, saying to only take 1-2 teaspoons every 4 hours. She showed me the bottle, I looked and saw that it contained codeine (we're both in recovery) and so before answering her actual question, I asked her if she knew it contained drugs, opiates - She responded by grabbing the bottle back throwing it on her desk and proceeding to study for her chem. exam. She didn't let me finish.. I was going to say that because it contains opiates, YES, the label is correct and not to take any more than a couple teaspoons every few hours.

But instead, like I said she didn't let me finish and got all clearly annoyed for some reason. I don't like when people do shit like that because I grew up in a home with a lot of yelling, screaming, throwing, and breaking of shit - So I just went back to doing whatever on my computer and basically didn't say anything to her after that.

Then an hour or two later as she's getting ready to leave to go take her chem exam, she asks if we can step into the hallway and talk for a minute and gets all upset with me for not comforting her and being there for her when she's sick and upset and all this shit - My response was simple. I tried to answer a question she asked me, but she didn't let me finish assumed I was being a dick or something and slammed the shit on her desk and ignored me. Then expects me to comfort her for that? Fuck no. I reminded her how much I hate that kind of behavior (she knows my past) and said I was sorry if she thought I was being an asshole but she didn't let me finish and I was just trying to make sure she knew A, exactly what she was taking and then B, was going to explain that YES because THIS IS WHAT IT IS, don't take more than directed.

She wasn't listening basically, and left for class saying shit like "wow, thanks, really needed this going into my chem. mid term.. etc."


Did I do something wrong here?? Should I have comforted her for getting annoyed and cutting me off then acting like a child about it? What Could I have done differently, and what can I do to try and fix this when she gets back from her exam?

I'm supposed to be on a bus going back home right now, but I'd REALLY rather not leave like this...


Edit: So I waited for her to get back from class instead of leaving, ended up being a waste of time though. Just got on the bus to head back home. Great way to leave things.

I understand how it is frustrating when someone will just cut you off and not listen to what you are trying to say but imo, most girls are sensitive (even I am sensitive) what I think you should have done is comfort her and just talk to her the next day about how you felt instead of doing that before her chem test. She's in a lot of stress as I understand and what you both need is support from each other.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Did I do something wrong here??

I don't think you did anything wrong case, it sounds to me that she may have thought you were confronting her about the codeine (ie. why didn't she get something else when you're both in recovery, kind of thing), mix that with sickness and the irritability that goes with that and it can be hard to rationalize with someone like that. I'd say apologize for it (which you already did), although what to do next varies person by person. I'd personally just leave it up to her if she wants to have a civil discussion with you about it, but that could backfire with her going off about you not being there/comforting her again.

Great thread idea star :D

My issue has gone from me being a hermit and rarely leaving the house, to me rarely being home these days because I'm always at work. I just don't feel like socializing with anyone. I know I'm not depressed, I'm pretty happy with life right now, it's more the persisting feeling of boredom no matter what I do that gets to me. I think I've prematurely matured to the point where my socializing consists of movies/museums/restaurants etc. Clubs and events aren't interesting to me anymore.

I guess the good/bad thing is I rarely spend money these days, so I have a bit of it lying around. I need to find better things to do with it.

 

[Maya]

I guess the good/bad thing is I rarely spend money these days, so I have a bit of it lying around. I need to find better things to do with it.

Perhaps travel? (Vancouver Canada) :D

 

[HCL]

My girlfriend is freaking out right now about god knows what...

It started when she got back from the pharmacy with some antibiotics and cough syrup (she's sick) and she asked me if I thought the bottle of cough syrup was correct, saying to only take 1-2 teaspoons every 4 hours. She showed me the bottle, I looked and saw that it contained codeine (we're both in recovery) and so before answering her actual question, I asked her if she knew it contained drugs, opiates - She responded by grabbing the bottle back throwing it on her desk and proceeding to study for her chem. exam. She didn't let me finish.. I was going to say that because it contains opiates, YES, the label is correct and not to take any more than a couple teaspoons every few hours.

But instead, like I said she didn't let me finish and got all clearly annoyed for some reason. I don't like when people do shit like that because I grew up in a home with a lot of yelling, screaming, throwing, and breaking of shit - So I just went back to doing whatever on my computer and basically didn't say anything to her after that.

Then an hour or two later as she's getting ready to leave to go take her chem exam, she asks if we can step into the hallway and talk for a minute and gets all upset with me for not comforting her and being there for her when she's sick and upset and all this shit - My response was simple. I tried to answer a question she asked me, but she didn't let me finish assumed I was being a dick or something and slammed the shit on her desk and ignored me. Then expects me to comfort her for that? Fuck no. I reminded her how much I hate that kind of behavior (she knows my past) and said I was sorry if she thought I was being an asshole but she didn't let me finish and I was just trying to make sure she knew A, exactly what she was taking and then B, was going to explain that YES because THIS IS WHAT IT IS, don't take more than directed.

She wasn't listening basically, and left for class saying shit like "wow, thanks, really needed this going into my chem. mid term.. etc."


Did I do something wrong here?? Should I have comforted her for getting annoyed and cutting me off then acting like a child about it? What Could I have done differently, and what can I do to try and fix this when she gets back from her exam?

I'm supposed to be on a bus going back home right now, but I'd REALLY rather not leave like this...


Edit: So I waited for her to get back from class instead of leaving, ended up being a waste of time though. Just got on the bus to head back home. Great way to leave things.

When someone lashes out at me like that I will immediately take on as blunt and apathetic an attitude as I can, because they are attacking me and it is therefore not my responsibility to sympathize with them. That would make me unnecessarily vulnerable.

I'm not suggesting that you use the exact same strategy in a type of relationship I have no experience with. On the other hand, you do not morally have any obligation to comfort her when confronted with that kind of passive aggressive crap.

Also, I can't be certain, but to me it sounds like she already knew there was codeine in there and was trying to medically rationalize getting high. That would explain the overblown reaction when you warned her about it.

 

[angeleyes]

This is such a good idea for a thread!

Stardust I feel I do the exact same... but I do it not to please people, (well in a way yes I do) but more to be polite/preserve friendships just be a "nice guy" is kind of what I do.

Not that anyone is mean! I just like to be nice about things like "man I wish we could hang but definitely surely X day"


Tricomb you are like action man, my god I want to go cruising in a hummer with you it'd be like an adventure of GI Joe I think it would be sick, you'd deploy the monster truck wheels as we trample over Ferraris in the city that is crippled by the evil Dr. Evil...

Yeah, shits intense haha, I had the same problem when I was going through my own substance problems, just being late ALL THE TIME in my final year of school (I lived out of home in my own place and being a young teenager there were no restrictions in force.. glad I've worked on my willpower A LOT since then). I would always be too lazy/too boring/zombie, it came to a point where I realized I needed to get things back on track and not feel so damn sloppy, I love feeling tidy and fresh when I wake up in the mornings now.

Should definitely try and work on work a little more! Just send that text to a client as much time as you can in advance! I'd rather get a text at 9pm from my IT guy saying he's not coming at 8 in the morning tomorrow, sweet, sleep in for me! Obviously this will vary in a lot of ways but I think you get what I mean.


Case, I don't see how you are in the wrong there mate. She just misunderstood you, or something... (I'm a guy trying to think what a girl is thinking, no man has done this correctly in millions of years cut me some slack haha) but in the situation you clearly put out, I don't see how you are in the wrong. You were civil about the matter and you were real sweet in actually going to see her after her exam, look at you, you go child.

She won't stay mad forever, you'll both kiss and make up and make lots of Derek Zoolander-looking babies.


@Black Rabbit of Inlè & Maya, yes surely travel!

Recent study found that most people generally agree that real happiness is made with experiences and not materialistic things. Although I would love a bookcase made of rich mahogany... with many leather-bound books... it sure would be sweet to go on a Eurotrip.

 

[caseface99]

^^ Turns out it had nothing to do with the cough syrup. Like always with this chick, nothing ever has anything to do with what it seems.

I feel like all hope is lost again. She's kind of a wing nut to be honest. I love the fucking shit out of her, but I don't know if this is good for me anymore, especially if nothing changes. She's freaking out and talking about possibly not being able to emotionally handle a relationship right now... AGAIN, this is like the 3rd time in two weeks she's threatened leaving me over something to do with her emotional shit. If she can't deal, without dragging me through the mud, then I don't know If I should keep holding on. It's a terribly sad thought but I don't know what I should do here.

 

[spork]

Maybe it's time for a break, case. You both might benefit quite a bit by keeping your distance for a little while and seeing how you feel without contact.