Please help 'person-B' solve this problem

[Jabberwocky]

Let's say that there is a sexual relationship between two people, the sex of the people is irrelevant; let's call them Person-A and person-B. Person-A is looking for a partner. Person-B is accustomed to informal relationships.

Person-B met person-A on a Monday. The Thursday of the same week, they met for coffee, chatted for about an hour, and a friendship developed. On the Friday it was proposed by person-A that person-B came over to have a few drinks (for example, wine). Person B-agrees and proceeds to go to person-A's house for a few drinks and to hang out. The conversation progresses to sex-talk after some time, and person-A invites person-B to stay over. Person-B agrees. They have sex, person-B wakes up in the morning, kisses person-A on the cheek and heads off.

Person-A, while still in laying bed decides that she likes person-B, so sends an SMS indicating a positive experience and the desire to 'do it again'. Person-A begins (what appears to person-B to be) a process of trying to get person-B into a relationship. This takes on the form of inviting person-B over a number of times the following week, resulting in sex for both persons 3 times.

In the morning following the last meet-up, a night after which person-B gave person-A and orgasm but stopped after, to allow person-A to catch her (or his) breath, then falling asleep in each others arms, thereby fulfilling person-B's 'obligation' to give back what he (or she) gets (in particular, to make up for the night before, where it was the other way around and person-B orgasmed but person-A did not), person-A tells person-B that they can stay at person-A's house for the day to solve "the problem" of having to travel to the university library (which happens to be about 2 kilometres away), and where person-B needs to go later in the day. Person-B doesn't really care either way but agrees to do so, person A heads of to class (at the same Uni).

Person-B leaves for a while, as person-A is supposedly not coming home until 6pm (it is now about 12pm). While out, person-A SMS's person-B. Person-A had decided to come home early. Person-A seems distant and is not communicating in the same way as before, acting formal (rather than the normally playful type the person-A seems to be). Person-B decides to go to the University to meet another friend, person-C. However, Person-B wishes to get a book from person-A's house, to show and discuss with person-C. Person-B goes back to the house to find that Person-A is acting as if no longer interested in person-B. Person-B leaves after giving an awkward kiss on the cheek to person-A.

Later in the evening Person-A sends an SMS to person-B saying "I think it would be a good idea if we saw less of each other...etc". Person-B and person-A proceed to have a seemingly illogical conversation about commitment that ends in Person-A sending "whatever" to person-B. Persons A and B don't talk until the next day.

The next day person-B receives an SMS from person-A saying that she (or he) is looking for a relationship with person-B. Person-B has been very upfront about not wanting a full-commitment relationship. Person-A, however, proceeds to write that she (or he) is missing person-B and wants a relationship with him (or her).

Does this story sound peculiar, familiar, or otherwise striking as an example of "fishing for a partner" (and using tactics to do so), or does this seem to be more a result of chance? What would you do if you were person-B? Would you continue to maintain that you do not want a relationship, and that if person-A insists on wanting a relationship, then it is best that they no longer see each other? Would you enter into a relationship to get further benefits such as hugging someone to sleep and at wakeup (resulting feelings of positive emotion), dinner cooked for you (and conversely learning how to cook from person-A), sex out of the relationship etc.- doing all this knowing you are only doing it to make person-A happy in the sense you are fulfilling their "expectancy" of a 'full committal relationship', while simultaneously knowing that the relationship is not likely to last from your perceptive?

Do you have any advice for person-B?

Do you see yourself as more like person-A (wanting a 'formal' relationship) or person-B (happy with 'informal nature' of close/sexual relationships)?

 

[llama112]

What do YOU want out of this? Do you want a relationship with Person A or not?? Or you just like the sex? Person A wants more so, if you just want sex, then you've got to get over him/her.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Person A will be lead to person A is supposed to be with by Person B.

 

[pofacedhoe]

i couldn't follow it after a few paragraphs but when sex happens straight away it tends to become friends with benefits automatically

 

[Mariposa]

I am more of a Person A, but in the past I have been very put off by other Persons A who wanted to rush into a relationship when I felt I was still getting to know them/assess long-term compatibility. Being pushy does not work well on me.

It seems like A and B just aren't looking for the same thing. If B were to enter into a full-on committed relationship with A in order to have regular sex, home cooked meals and cuddles, that would be unethical as it would be a relationship based on false pretenses.

 

[lola]

Jees man, what a long and protracted way to say "I've been having regular sex with a person who now wants a relationship whereas I'd like to keep it casual"!

Look. You might have been honest with Person A using your words ("I don't want a commitment") but you haven't given out the same message using your actions; you've been seeing the person a LOT for what is allegedly a casual arrangement. So you might have created a closeness and encouraged false hopes. For the record, I think that if you know the person you're fucking is likely to get attached, be empathic and limit interactions (not more than once a week is my rule for non-relationship fwb arrangements - for my own emotional safety as well as theirs), don't text every day, keep a distance... otherwise attachment will be formed.

As for your dilemma, why not just say "despite the fact that we've been hanging out a lot and I do like spending time with you, I may have given the indication that this could go further. But the truth of the matter is I still don't want a relationship. I'll be happy to keep hanging out and cooking and fucking and cuddling, but if you want a partner I might end up stopping you from meeting a person you'd like to be with. So it's up to you, but even if you'd like to carry on seeing each other I'd like to take the intensity waaay down and meet/talk less often so that it doesn't feel so couple-ish".

You might need to let the other person go if you can't meet their needs.

 

[Jabberwocky]

What do YOU want out of this? Do you want a relationship with Person A or not?? Or you just like the sex? Person A wants more so, if you just want sex, then you've got to get over him/her.

I am person-B. I do not want anything more than an informal relationship. I don't just like the sex. I like the cuddling. I like the way that person-A cooks for person-B, and that person-B can walk up to her (or him) and wrap arms around them while they are cooking and learn how to cook and hug at the same time. Person-B now knows how to cook some Croatian and Swedish (where person-A is from) meals because of this.

Person-A, after copulating the first few times, wrote an SMS saying "hey (person-B), we are just doing this for fun, right? Just checking", to which person-B wrote back "I assume that neither of us have the time for a full-commitment relationship, least of all me, as all my future plans are to travel and work overseas after Uni". Person-A wrote back "Okey good! "

So person-B thinking he (or she) had scored massively with another person who thinks like he (or she) does, continues with the meeting up, eating chocolate, drinking wine, making dinners together, having sex etc.

But then person-A breaks the rules and seems to want a relationship. Perhaps even trying a devious tactic to lure person-B into a relationship. Person-B is now deciding whether to play along or not. Right now, person-B is still quite confused.

Person A will be lead to person A is supposed to be with by Person B.

Yeah... Damn those person-A's and their person-A ways

i couldn't follow it after a few paragraphs but when sex happens straight away it tends to become friends with benefits automatically

Sorry. I had a few wines and was studying symbolic logic just before posting, so what I wrote may be a little confusing. I also called person-A person-B by mistake on one occasion, but I have edited it now.

I am more of a Person A, but in the past I have been very put off by other Persons A who wanted to rush into a relationship when I felt I was still getting to know them/assess long-term compatibility. Being pushy does not work well on me.

It seems like A and B just aren't looking for the same thing. If B were to enter into a full-on committed relationship with A in order to have regular sex, home cooked meals and cuddles, that would be unethical as it would be a relationship based on false pretenses.

Unethical indeed. That is why B is confused. But what A seems to be doing to get B into a relationship seems equally unethical? B had been upfront about not wanting a full-committal relationship from the start. B does like the sex, home cooked meals, and cuddling. And chocolate. And wine. B is a bit hedonistic to be honest. Actually, so is A, but A is violating the agreement. B is still confused.

Jees man, what a long and protracted way to say "I've been having regular sex with a person who now wants a relationship whereas I'd like to keep it casual"!

Look. You might have been honest with Person A using your words ("I don't want a commitment") but you haven't given out the same message using your actions; you've been seeing the person a LOT for what is allegedly a casual arrangement. So you might have created a closeness and encouraged false hopes. For the record, I think that if you know the person you're fucking is likely to get attached, be empathic and limit interactions (not more than once a week is my rule for non-relationship fwb arrangements - for my own emotional safety as well as theirs), don't text every day, keep a distance... otherwise attachment will be formed.

As for your dilemma, why not just say "despite the fact that we've been hanging out a lot and I do like spending time with you, I may have given the indication that this could go further. But the truth of the matter is I still don't want a relationship. I'll be happy to keep hanging out and cooking and fucking and cuddling, but if you want a partner I might end up stopping you from meeting a person you'd like to be with. So it's up to you, but even if you'd like to carry on seeing each other I'd like to take the intensity waaay down and meet/talk less often so that it doesn't feel so couple-ish".

You might need to let the other person go if you can't meet their needs.

Yes, this week may be telling in that respect. It may be that B tells A that they can only see each other once a week. But that may also get violated, as both B and A like each other's company and see each other as friends. There is blurred lines here. A and B continually run into each other at the university, last week they ran into each other in the library elevator of all places (some consideration was made into whether the elevator was a suitable place for having a "quickie" )

 

[laugh]

you lost me at A & B tbh. could i get a layman's brief. k thx bai

incorporate yoga or at very least yoga pants?

 

[Jabberwocky]

you lost me at A & B tbh. could i get a layman's brief. k thx bai

incorporate yoga or at very least yoga pants?

Sorry Brah, no layman's brief. How about I make it more simple...

(by the way, Yoga is an entirely different issue and the people I do yoga with are my yogi buddies, not "fuck buddies"...no comment on yoga pants)

I am contemplating entering a committal relationship, knowing very well that it will end with hurt feelings for both involved, because I have an objective that I am set on achieving - I did not plan to get bogged down by a full-committal relationship. But I could play along. Is that unethical? Would it be unethical to be pleasing her, to the point she wants to be pleased, by her having a sense of security sought after in a 'proper relationship'?

OR is it best to maintain my true persona; that is, I'm not interested in being totally in love with someone to the point of me trading my happiness, and freedom to be me, for being 100% committed to the happiness of the other person, to the point that I would do most things (even if detrimental to myself) to just get a smile out of the girl, coz i love making girls smile (this is generally how I treat girls anyway, but more so in a full-committal relationship).

 

[neversickanymore]

Later in the evening Person-A sends an SMS to person-B saying "I think it would be a good idea if we saw less of each other...etc". Person-B and person-A proceed to have a seemingly illogical conversation about commitment that ends in Person-A sending "whatever" to person-B. Persons A and B don't talk until the next day.

If you played this as something like absolutely this is my thoughts exactly then it would have turned the tables and person A would have possibly become the pursuer.. person A needs others to feel their worth and if others aren't giving them it then they will need to pursue it.

 

[187coopa]

Person A is girl with mental issues that has a history that they contend with still or havent got over something from their past. probably smokes pot and has some form of addiction. Is never content with what they have vs what they want in their desires. My advice steer clear esp if u develop feelings most likely they will be crushed. but the sex is good with these kinda ppl.

 

[Jabberwocky]

If you played this as something like absolutely this is my thoughts exactly then it would have turned the tables and person A would have possibly become the pursuer.. person A needs others to feel their worth and if others aren't giving them it then they will need to pursue it.

Hmmm had it been a game of tactics, there may be a point here. I tend to follow my heart, but with constraints. I'm starting to get sold on the idea of making her feel like she's worth more than just what we have been doing. I wonder where that path would lead...

Person A is girl with mental issues that has a history that they contend with still or havent got over something from their past. probably smokes pot and has some form of addiction. Is never content with what they have vs what they want in their desires. My advice steer clear esp if u develop feelings most likely they will be crushed. but the sex is good with these kinda ppl.

Thanks for the advice. You are right about the sex

 

[Jabberwocky]

Meeting up with person-A in a couple of hours. I wonder where this will lead. More sex is my guess, and Person-B certainly has no issue with that. I suppose I will be upfront about not wanting anything more than what we have, but I'll be supportive of her and her emotions, perhaps to the point of being in an open relationship!?! I dunno. Thanks for the advice all. Let's see where this rabbit hole goes

 

[Mariposa]

Meeting up with person-A in a couple of hours. I wonder where this will lead. More sex is my guess, and Person-B certainly has no issue with that. I suppose I will be upfront about not wanting anything more than what we have, but I'll be supportive of her and her emotions, perhaps to the point of being in an open relationship!?! I dunno. Thanks for the advice all. Let's see where this rabbit hole goes

Now that is a potentially workable framework. B is well within bounds to suggest an open relationship to A. A can either accept or reject this. B is doing the right thing by being honest and supportive, wherever the rabbit hole goes.

I suppose great meals, great sex and cuddling are the foundation to a romantic relationship after all. And here I was, working on my boundaries and communication skills. :D

 

[llama112]

you don't want a relationship with Person A, then get out of it now.
meals, cuddling, etc. are parts of a relationship, not "friends with benefits" usually

 

[LilbabiC]

This sounds like a bunch of drama to me.

OP, If person A wants a relationship and you don't then walk away. Unless, maybe you enjoy the drama that is only going to escalate.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Now that is a potentially workable framework. B is well within bounds to suggest an open relationship to A. A can either accept or reject this. B is doing the right thing by being honest and supportive, wherever the rabbit hole goes.

I suppose great meals, great sex and cuddling are the foundation to a romantic relationship after all. And here I was, working on my boundaries and communication skills. :D

We had a talk out on the patio last night. I told her about myself and why I am the way I am with regard to relationships. Pretty much, I have had my share of co-dependent relationships and I don't trust that I can have a relationship right now without it heading in that direction. I mentioned I will most likely be going away overseas in February. I have a month long trip on January. Also, I am going away from mid-December onwards.

So all of the above combined, and me telling her I understand her and want to spend as much time with her as possible resulted in somewhat of an agreement between us to just let this relationship play out, in what ever form it will, for the moment being somewhat informal. After our talk, we had sex and I made an avocado and cheese sandwich!! :D

I'm also working on boundaries, as I'm sure you will sense from what I just wrote

you don't want a relationship with Person A, then get out of it now.
meals, cuddling, etc. are parts of a relationship, not "friends with benefits" usually

Yeah, it is now more of a relationship than 'friends with benefits'. That seems to be ok with both of us. It's nice, I'm actually really enjoying her company.

This sounds like a bunch of drama to me.

OP, If person A wants a relationship and you don't then walk away. Unless, maybe you enjoy the drama that is only going to escalate.

Well, as Billy Joel sings, "you may be right, I may be crazy"! She is a black and white thinker in a general sense and acknowledges this. She told me she has to have certainty or she stresses and obsesses about things. I am somewhere down the opposite end of the spectrum. I have a comfort with the unknown, I take calculated risks; this is reflected in most of my recreational activities and sports, and also the profession I have worked in, I'm studying towards, and plan on going into. It is also shines through in my plans for the future to be somewhat of a nomad and travel from place to place working. So, perhaps opposites really do attract?!


Thanks again all. It is actually really nice being honest and upfront to the point that Person-A and Person-B now understand each other a lot better and seem to know where they are coming from, and perhaps where this rabbit hole is heading. It is likely that we will have to say good-bye in December, but it may be that we end up together some time further down the track. Just letting this all play out to see where it goes

 

[llama112]

So now that you like her, just go with it. You can still keep things casual. It's not like it has to get all serious right away.

Seems like you had a change in heart though, even from just the beginning of this thread!

 

[Jabberwocky]

So now that you like her, just go with it. You can still keep things casual. It's not like it has to get all serious right away.

Seems like you had a change in heart though, even from just the beginning of this thread!

Yes, I'm now going with it as you suggest! It's fun and I had forgotten how fun it could be to be 'involved' with someone to the extent that I am finding myself with this girl. Obviously my emotions seem to have played a significant role in where I have now found myself; whether this was a 'socially constructed emotional reaction' or whether it was an 'evolutionary emotional response' is open to interpretation

Right now I'm up studying after cuddling her to sleep. She cooked me the most awesome dinner tonight that was ready when I arrived. I bought her bread, juice, and more more cheese on the way here. We are calling each other hubbie and wifie for fun now! :D She is an absolute sweetheart!! I think I'm starting to fall for this girl. Oh shit. :D

 

[kytnism]

^ thats awesome op. :D

keep us updated.

...kytnism...