OMG Benzo Withdraw...

[amber_dawn]

...is hell on earth. Worse than opiate withdraw. At least with opiate wd you can use benzos to ward off the effect. Oh, how the opposite is not true.

First, a benzo story.....
It was sort of an accident. I didn't realize how much I was consuming. I first got a prescription in february I fell in love with the damn drug Clonazepam. Once I started, I found others who had access to all kinds of benzos: xanax, ativan, valium. I took them all, both binging at times on whatever benzos I could find. Plus taking at least 2 mg of kpins (Clonazepam) a day for months, if I wasn't binging. Then when I stopped, because one day I ran out, I fell into withdraw. I managed to get pills, but now I've realized....I'm a benzo junkie.

And being sick off benzos is just plain fucking horrible. It's like being dopesick, plus having smoked both a ton of crack and meth for the past three days, and having an anxiety/panic attack all at the same time. So I decided I've got to get off of these pills. I want my brain back. I love them, I dream about them, but god damn if that klonopin ain't the devil.

So I made the bad idea of "Oh, I'm just going to get really fucked up just one last time.... then I'll quit. 8(
stupid mistake we all make, i think....
any benzo user knows when on a heavy amount, things get lost. stolen, lost, taken by a poltergeist, who the hell knows. I had my bottle of 30 1 mg kpins with me. I went to my best friend's house and took about 10 maybe 12. Gave my best friend about 8 or 9. Then 2 more. I know I had about 6 left. I remember eating another half of one...but then everything gets fuzzy. My best friend and I convince her husband that It's imperative we go to walmart with her 5 year old son so I can buy him new nerf guns and other toys. Of course the kid is all for this idea. Walmart is only like 5 minutes from her house, so he agrees and we go and I end up with nerf guns for myself and some action figures the kid wanted more. Go figure. We go home, act like fools, her son goes to bed, I hula hoop in the basement at some point, My bff is doing who knows what, apparently we were "belligerent". I just think retarded might be a better word. Walking around without brains in our head, sort of. A few friends came by at some point, and also at some point I found my way home.

After I got home at some time, I realized my bottle of pills was completely empty, but I was sure I had saved enough to last me until my refill which is in a few days. I wouldn't be that dumb.....but damnit, benzos aren't exactly smart pills if you know what I mean. They could have of been stolen by someone who came by (it's happened to me before), could have been me eating them, hell i could have put them in what i thought was a great spot at the time and have zero recollection of that. I can't even quite remember at what point i discovered I had none left.

Although I did wake my Dad up at about 4 am to give him a pumpkin reese's cup, you know, just because I got it for him. He knew I was high as hell, but considered it a nice gesture. Lol.

But back to the reason this is such a horrid experience...

So I'm freaking out about getting sick, I buy a bottle of valium off a friend. Some reason she gets 2 mg valium and sells me the whole bottle of 45 for really cheap. I don't even know why they make 2 mg valium, my friend (another addict) made me laugh when he said "geeze, 10 mg of valium is like .03 of a 1 mg klonopin or some shit...." Well I ate the last 5 vals this morning and they barely held the wd back. I took an adderall and smoked some weed and had about a 2 hour window of non-sickness. Then that weird feeling in the throat....then I start coughing. My stomach starts feeling weird, I keep having to go to the bathroom, My balance is off, and this is just the start. I'm not actually sick yet. Thats when I start shaking. I tried to pour a shot, because someone said that alcohol helps but my hands are shaking so bad the liquor is spilling out of the glass. I feel weird and restless and just absolutely horrible. Everything seems to disturb me, hot/cold, none of my clothes feel good, I'm crying on and off, everything seems over emotional, I feel little electric shocks throughout my body and wonder if I'm going to have a seizure yet. I'm scared of it, but luckily a friend gave me two kpins and they seem to keep me from getting sick longer than most.

I have a refill in at the latest 4 days (might be able to get it in 2), and probably can get a little bit to get me by,
but is there anything else I can do to ward of the sickness? I've tried opiates (at least 3 Dilaudid 4 mgs), it doesn't seem to help much. I've heard alcohol but it doesn't seem to help, it just makes me feel sick to drink it.

I'm willing to drink like....catnip tea. And take kava. Idk. Anyone with any relevant info.....feel free to post. There aren't a lot of benzo users who don't abuse opiates (i have, sort of, but it's not my doc) or at least aren't addicted to opiates too. What's helped. Have you had a seizure? Were there any warning signs?

Any help is appreciated

 

[motherofearth]

I know this doesn't answer any of your questions, but I think you ought to get to a hospital. Failing getting more benzos into you (and not 2mg Valiums - that is terrible!!! OMG) you need clinical supervision for a benzo detox.

 

[Daddy's Girl]

Only bad thing is, detox won't stop the withdrawals. They will give unsomethig to help u keep from havn seizures, THATS IT. I've been there twice. They cold turkeyed me twice. My last time was for a mo in feb cold turkeyed off of 10 mgs of Ativan. As soon as I walked out the detox center door, I took an Ativan. Worked myself back up to 5 mgs daily and am still suffering HORRIBLE mental withdrawals a yr and a half later and that's WITH being on the meds. DO NOT COLD TURKEY OFF BENZOS...POINT BLANK

 

[amber_dawn]

@motherofearth -- yeah, i don't even know why they make 2 mg valiums. it seems completely pointless to me.

i'm trying to avoid the hospital for a variety of reasons, especially for what Daddy's Girl mentioned. Plus I live in a very conservative state in an even more conservative town, and I'd likely end up with a slew of drug charges, despite my prescription---not kidding. In this town, if you go into the hospital o.d.ing on something, you get charged with possession of that substance . It's really horrible and backwards. Although I have a script for 2 mg of Kpin a day, I've been abusing a LOT more than that, and I just don't want to deal with it. Plus my insurance is pretty much maxed out, I'm broke, and just don't want to deal any with institutionalization kind of bs anymore.

I've been trying to get in touch like crazy with anyone who might have a script.

I AM SO FUCKING SICK. Everything hurts. I swear. And I took .5 mg of a kpin about 2 or 3 hours ago, barely did anything. I've thought about going to the ER claiming i'm having a panic attack or something, but yeah....trying to avoid that hospital, like I said. And sitting in the ER waiting room in this condition sounds nightmarish to me.

Has anything other than more benzos helped ease the pain for anyone??? I've been told and read that alcohol helps, but it just seems to make me feel sicker, not better. I can't stomach much. I've tried opiates, they don't help. I have seroquel, but I hate that stuff.

Seriously......this is the worst hell I've ever been in.


I do NOT want to cold turkey off benzos. I have a refill in 4 days. 4 days seems like an eternity at this point. I'm scared.

Thanks for the responses thou

 

[bennyZA]

I've had to go through benzo withdrawal off huge doses many times cause I was klonopins little bitch. I know how awful it is, but I can't stress this enough. DON'T GET DRUNK. It doesn't make the symptoms go away, it just dulls them until you aren't drunk anymore, then you're hung over and withdrawing which is so much worse. If you just continually drink you'll just end up withdrawing off the alcohol and once it's gone you low your seizure threshold signficantly. .

So from all the withdrawals I've had, my advice is to take the seroquel and sleep as much as humanly possible. Close all the curtain so no sun comes in, dress really comfy, make yourself a comfy spot on the couch in front of the TV, if you have one, and put on absolutely mindless TV, like Family Guy or better yet, get some movies (best idea cause commercials can cause head pain). Some chill lyricless music helps if you don't have a TV. It's not going to help with the symptoms but it helps to have a distraction going to try and limit the horrible thoughts like the self-loathing, depression, anxiety, etc. A TV also helps since, IME, there is nothing worse than utter quiet. That's when you start hearing things, and your thoughts spiral out of control. For me, weed also helped, not because it helped with any symptoms, but it was something to do. Obviously if weed isn't your thing, don't smoke cause then your anxiety will just skyrocket. Get some expensive, high quality valerian root, that is the only thing that sorta helps with the physical symptoms. I used to use 2 kava kava tea bags and 2 valerian root bags in one cup of tea. It's nice for something to sip on and it sorta helps. Sleeping is important, but so hard. Sometimes diphenhydramine (benadryl, unisom) helps, but it's def not for everyone. If you do find something that helps you sleep, use it, cause any amount of sleep helps a lot, it also kills a lot of time. Get some aleve for the headaches and body pain, aleve works best cause it lasts a long time. If you can get opiates, they can be a distraction and help with the aches and pain. You should also get rid of clocks, there's nothing worse than seeing a clock and only a few minutes have gone by when you thought hours had. Turning off your phone is key. Having to deal with people when like this is awful. Probably one of the best things is to find a a good and caring friend that will hang out with you as much as possible. I never had that, but it would have been awesome to have someone take care of me, spend time with me, just socialize in general.

One way or another you're going to have ride it out. No matter what it's going to be uncomfortable, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's going to get worse before it gets better. Sometimes CT benzo withdrawal can last months. So now that you know how mind blowingly horrible benzo withdrawal is, you need to make sure you immediately start a taper plan as soon as you get the benzos in 4 days. It is only going to get harder to get off them the longer you use.

The most important part of all though: Remember that all the thoughts you are going to have, most likely some self-harm thoughts, some serious depression, maybe some anger, even suicidal thoughts. Just remember you are delusional. Obviously do not act on them. Your mind is going to be going crazy with awful thoughts, you gotta remind yourself that these thoughts aren't valid, you are only having them cause your brain chemistry is fucked up. If you are thinking that you are a failure at life or something like that, just remember it's the lack of benzos talking.

I hope that helped, if I think of anything else, I'll post again. If you have any questions or just need someone to socialize with - cause that helps a lot - you can always PM me.

 

[pro re nata]

hi amber.. . are you experiencing bad hypotension and starting to fall out from it? if so this is you might really want to consider heading to the hospital or contacting your doctor and be straight up with him in what is going on. yes you will most likely lose your script but he could safely help you through this time. it might not be a bad idea to keep detoxing and trying to work through your benzo dependency. it just flat out sucks to keep going through the place you are finding yourself at.

if you are not in the place where you feel you are ready or want to break from benzo's it is totally understandable just be careful in the future to steer clear of this dangerous predicament you are currently in. are you able to just take it down with getting out of any responsibilities you might have in the next four days? you really should not at all be driving a car during this time as you could very suddenly black out with out any waring at all.

in regards to alcohol and benzodiazepines they are both CNS depressants and work on the neurotransmitter GABA but in different ways. so you will feel some similar effects in sedation and create some relief but alcohol is so fast acting that it will be short lived. alcohol also effects dopamine and serotonin while bezos work on GABA. alcohol will increase the absorption of benzodiazepines, slowing their break down in the body intensify there effects. this will increase the CNS depression and as we know it can be a dangerous mix. in your case right now it could stretch what benzo's you have out a bit with drinking small amounts of some alcohol. maybe a little bit of baileys in some coffee as it is not that harsh. by no means should you be getting drunk and if you do decide to use a bit of alcohol just be ever so diligent!! you could try taking some valerian root as it is not completely understood how it works but is thought to work through GABA. it is used to aid in anti anxiety and promoting sleep/sedation. you could also try some melatonin as it helps many out with relaxing sleep. if by chance any of your friends have buspar this could also help bring things down a bit between your wait. try to exercise, being as physical as you can it will help clear your mind bringing greater oxygen flow and releasing more endorphins and naturally cutting your anxiety. just watch out for getting up to quick increasing the hypotension, last thing you need is to hurt yourself.

hope some of this helps you and that you are holding up ok... . benzo withdrawal is shitty and dangerous if you feel it is getting worse and worse do not hold onto just waiting for your re-fill get to the hospital as you are way more important then a bottle of pills!!

 

[bennyZA]

I feel like it's hard to only drink a little when you're like this. Either way, the minute that alcohol wears off, you lower your seizure threshold a lot, like a lot, a lot.

Def go to hospital if the symptoms get out of control though. These tips are to make riding out benzo withdrawal just a tiny bit easier, it doesn't make it go away, and it sure as hell doesn't make any safer.

 

[Venrak]

Don't use alcohol to treat your withdrawal.

You should go to the emergency room and get something to hold you until your refill is ready. This is potentially dangerous.

Also, avoid stimulants. Your seizure threshold is low enough as it is. So no more adderal.

 

[Pattern]

Just over 18 months ago I was on well over 100mg Diazepam equivalent per day, and couldn't see how I was going to get off anytime in the forseeable future. But after a slow Diazepam taper, got off. Luckily I had a doctor willing to help me come off as fast or slow as I was comfortable with. I started at 40mg / day, which was a jolt initially, but I was unemployed and having quiet days which helped a lot.

Those 2mg Diazepam tablets, which seem "pointless", are actually a godsend for making your taper as smooth as possible (especially below 20mg). Using tiny increments and a long-acting benzo (Diazepam basically) mean you should hardly notice the taper after a few weeks. It's a LONG haul, there is no way you can "ride out" a benzo withdrawal like you can with other drugs. And slow is way better than fast, unlike for opiates.

Two (presciption) drugs which helped me with some symptoms not controlled by the taper initially:

Quetiapine/Seroquel (at night): Helped with the terrible insomnia of early withdrawal, initially just to help me lie still in my bed throughout the night, instead of writhing about endlessly. Soon I could sleep reliably well one in every two nights. I stopped taking Quetiapine quite soon though, as it began to have some agitating side effects in the day. Diphenhydramine wasn't an effective sleep aid for me.

Bisoprolol (or other cardio-selective beta blocker): Helped to eliminate palpitations and elevated blood pressure, which were seriously concerning in the early weeks. Calming these physical symptoms helped to reassure me, and so had a knock on psychological effect.

I also took some health food stuff like L-Theanine / Valerian, but cannot say for sure if it wasn't just placebo. As a placebo though, it did help me to feel I'd taken something calming. Like others said, alcohol is a terrible idea due to the rebound effects, and the fact it will fuck with the GABA system and possibly induce a "kindling" effect on withdrawal symptoms. I stopped drinking because of this. Also, I don't know what "Alleve" contains, but you try to avoid Ibuprofen as it may have mildly antagonistic effects on GABA receptors. Acetaminophen is fine.

One key point: make sure the doc gives you weekly scripts, not monthly or bi-monthly. If you know you'll run out within a week, you'll have less temptation to take extra pills and get ahead of yourself. Powers of self-control are going to be lacking at times: I once got an extra strip of 5mg tabs from the chemist by mistake, and ended up taking 100mg one night as I knew they were expendible. Once the buzz came on, I went and downed some beers somebody else was keeping in the house.

 

[thedawn]

i feel your pain,OP.
I'm not addicted atm but took 6 1mg pins last night.
anxiety returning tenfold today.
for me,this is a relapse.
I quit benzos 3 years ago after heavy heavy abuse.

 

[Venrak]

How are you doing today, OP?

 

[phatass]

don't cold turkey benzos, you MUST taper...

 

[Ozekat]

This is a good thread lots of great information on here about benzo withdrawal. I'm glad I haven't binged on these things since the end of last year. Honestly I have even done benzos plenty of times since then but I learned my lesson the hard way when I bought 10 bars of xanax and stayed in benzo land for a week. Coming off that was indeed worse than any time I have felt off opiates now that I think about it.

And that was a small amount. Be careful OP, don't be too stubborn about getting professional help and for gods sakes please do a taper when you get your script filled.

Best of luck!

 

[amber_dawn]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your advice and answers! It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this.

I have BPD, ptsd, ADD and panic/anxiety disorder but none of it seems to be out of control at this time. I also naturally have hypotension so I haven't noticed much regarding that. I ended up getting my refill sooner than intended, but also went through it sooner than intended. I have only a few pills left. It took quite a bit just to feel "normal".

I do not like the effects of alcohol while going through withdraw. It makes me feel sicker, not better, and shakier for some reason. Seroquel will put me to sleep but leaves me feeling braindead the next day. I bought a bottle of Melatonin today but have yet to try it, but think it will help with the sleeping for sure. I also have trazadone, but am unsure of how it will react with everything.

What I have found which HAS worked, similar to the things BennyZA mentioned.... company helps, talking to others (keeping your mind distracted), and watching mind numbing television. Another thing I have found helped is catnip tea, which you can get either at a health food store or in "Organic Nighty night" tea. It's a natural sedative and it took the edge off for sure--I have also used Kava in the past, and next time I can get a trip to the store I will definitely be picking up a box of kava tea. And pro re nata --I don't have a DL or a car, so no worries there.

I came clean with my doctor, who's a complete quack. She actually wants to cold turkey me and just give me some horrible medication (depakote?) for seizures. After reading the side effects, I decided hell no to that, and to find another doctor stat. The sick thing is, she's actually also a suboxone doctor, so how hypocritical can you be?! I don't know what her problem is, but I'm not going to be sick for months AND take a med that seems to be unsafe and full of horrible side effects.

I'm hoping to find one who will work with me doing a valium taper or something similar. I have enough kpins to get me through the week, just barely keeping me from getting sick but definitely working. I'm going to talk to my doctor again tomorrow, and come armed with information and be firm that I need to taper off, not just stop taking them. Although I feel as if I may end up getting another doctor regardless, because this one has been a nightmare. I've been on adderall for 15 years, and she randomly decided I didn't need it and there would be "no withdraw"--now it's nothing like benzo withdraw, but after 15 years? You expect me to just stop taking it because (and I quote) "You're on too many controlled substances". I pretty much had a panic attack IN the office, and she wrote my my prescriptions. She didn't even want to give me zoloft! She must be getting a kickback from seroquel because both her and her partner are obsessed with it and keep trying to push it on me. I don't really *need* adderall when im in w/d, obviously, but I do need it for every day life. I only take it when I'm well enough to these days.

Anyway, I'm feeling better but worried about what to do when the bottle runs out. I've been through quite a bit of trauma (other than the benzo wd) lately, and am just praying I find a good, understanding doctor. I did figure out what those 2 mg valiums were for and that's what I'm hoping will happen, a slow taper until I feel like I'm not going to have seizures if I stop taking them. I don't mind a little sickness, but I'm not trying to go back into the state I was in. Although I still feel like I would lovvvve to just get high off a shitton of klonipins right about now (or anytime) and just go into la la benzoland for days, I know that it's just....no. time to stop. I'm ready to reclaim my brain. I miss my memory.


Seriously everyone, thank you for your answers They were all great. I'll update after I talk to the doctor again tomorrow, she what she says.

Thanks everyone

 

[nervousone]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your advice and answers! It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this.

I have BPD, ptsd, ADD and panic/anxiety disorder but none of it seems to be out of control at this time. I also naturally have hypotension so I haven't noticed much regarding that. I ended up getting my refill sooner than intended, but also went through it sooner than intended. I have only a few pills left. It took quite a bit just to feel "normal".

I do not like the effects of alcohol while going through withdraw. It makes me feel sicker, not better, and shakier for some reason. Seroquel will put me to sleep but leaves me feeling braindead the next day. I bought a bottle of Melatonin today but have yet to try it, but think it will help with the sleeping for sure. I also have trazadone, but am unsure of how it will react with everything.

What I have found which HAS worked, similar to the things BennyZA mentioned.... company helps, talking to others (keeping your mind distracted), and watching mind numbing television. Another thing I have found helped is catnip tea, which you can get either at a health food store or in "Organic Nighty night" tea. It's a natural sedative and it took the edge off for sure--I have also used Kava in the past, and next time I can get a trip to the store I will definitely be picking up a box of kava tea. And pro re nata --I don't have a DL or a car, so no worries there.

I came clean with my doctor, who's a complete quack. She actually wants to cold turkey me and just give me some horrible medication (depakote?) for seizures. After reading the side effects, I decided hell no to that, and to find another doctor stat. The sick thing is, she's actually also a suboxone doctor, so how hypocritical can you be?! I don't know what her problem is, but I'm not going to be sick for months AND take a med that seems to be unsafe and full of horrible side effects.

I'm hoping to find one who will work with me doing a valium taper or something similar. I have enough kpins to get me through the week, just barely keeping me from getting sick but definitely working. I'm going to talk to my doctor again tomorrow, and come armed with information and be firm that I need to taper off, not just stop taking them. Although I feel as if I may end up getting another doctor regardless, because this one has been a nightmare. I've been on adderall for 15 years, and she randomly decided I didn't need it and there would be "no withdraw"--now it's nothing like benzo withdraw, but after 15 years? You expect me to just stop taking it because (and I quote) "You're on too many controlled substances". I pretty much had a panic attack IN the office, and she wrote my my prescriptions. She didn't even want to give me zoloft! She must be getting a kickback from seroquel because both her and her partner are obsessed with it and keep trying to push it on me. I don't really *need* adderall when im in w/d, obviously, but I do need it for every day life. I only take it when I'm well enough to these days.

Anyway, I'm feeling better but worried about what to do when the bottle runs out. I've been through quite a bit of trauma (other than the benzo wd) lately, and am just praying I find a good, understanding doctor. I did figure out what those 2 mg valiums were for and that's what I'm hoping will happen, a slow taper until I feel like I'm not going to have seizures if I stop taking them. I don't mind a little sickness, but I'm not trying to go back into the state I was in. Although I still feel like I would lovvvve to just get high off a shitton of klonipins right about now (or anytime) and just go into la la benzoland for days, I know that it's just....no. time to stop. I'm ready to reclaim my brain. I miss my memory.


Seriously everyone, thank you for your answers They were all great. I'll update after I talk to the doctor again tomorrow, she what she says.

Thanks everyone

Good luck talking to your doctor. A cold turkey off benzos is pretty much a failure waiting to happen. The withdrawal just gets so nasty that you will end up finding some someplace. For future reference due the the half life of Klonopin if you are going to seize out it generally will be between days 7 and 11. I've been through this time and time again, and I hate to say it, but it sounds like you might just have a shitty doctor. When I was trying to find a doctor to help me taper printed out all sorts of studies from medical journals on benzo withdrawal as well as the Ashton Manual and my doc still wanted me to cold turkey with only a bit of phenobarbital to help inhibit seizures.

It isn't ideal, but there is a good chance you will have to find another doctor. If your doctor already said "you dont need to taper" she probably isn't aware how bad benzo withdrawal truly is and probably won't let you convince her any different. Getting own valium and tapering down from their is ideal -- the Ashton Method recommends 10% cuts every 2 weeks but some people can handle it faster than that.

Also, it is going to be exceedingly difficult to find a doctor to both help taper you from benzos as well as giving you adderall. Caffiene is strong enough to rev up withdrawal symptoms, amphetamine salts are on a whole different level. Another reason your doctor might not have given you zoloft is you shouldn't take an SSRI as well as an amphetamine.

She is also likely trying to push seroquel because it is non-abusable and may have the potential to help a bit with withdrawal. After coming clean with your doctor about being an abuser you likely shut yourself down towards getting any comfort meds with even the least bit abuse potential.

My guess is this current doctor is going to be no help at all and you will need to find another one, or figure out another way to source the medication and taper yourself.

The only reason I can taper benzos at all is because I bought a time lock safe that only opens once a day, I take my dose and immediately close it.

Anyway, if your doctor won't give you anything worthwhile the following are some things it is worth asking if she will prescribe you

1.) neurontin or lyrica
2.) clonidine
3.) phenobartial
4.) hydroxizine
5.) trazadone or seroquel for sleep.

 

[pinpoint]

The only reason I can taper benzos at all is because I bought a time lock safe that only opens once a day, I take my dose and immediately close it.

 

[phatass]

^^^loooool

 

[ebola?]

I have BPD

Is this bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

ebola

 

[phatass]

damn Ozekat you must have been keeping that bottled u for a while

 

[dankplantgrower]

I only ever kicked a 2-3mg daily xanax habit of a few months, but cold turkey was still bad enough to eliminate any attempts at restful sleep for a couple weeks and caused the most nightmares in any short period of my life when I actually did sleep. Vivid, realistic nightmares. Luckily I had a laborous job to exercise and keep me occupied all day, and weed... This was before I started posting here and knew that a quick controlled taper could have saved me some of that unpleasantness.

Knowing your tolerance and history is probably deeper than mine was at its worst, I can only wish you the best and encourage you to keep plugging along in finding a MD who is willing to help you taper. Its great that you realize youre past the point of "responsible" use, being honest with yourself and trying to correct the situation. Good on you, girl, pat on the back. Being honest with myself was hard as hell for me but in the end led to me to dropping both a mild benzo dependency, and a horrific alcohol dependency finally, its half the battle.

Haha looking back I guess Ive added nothing new to this thread, but still Id like to extend many words of encouragement! Please PM me if you need someone to talk to during the quitting process, none of my friends could relate to me during my times of WD and I really needed someone to talk to. It might make you feel better. Best of luck.