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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

Foolsgold, I've been reading back through your posts about you absolutely hammering stimulants and cannabinoids and what have you. Don't act on what you're thinking and feeling right now. You're driving your mood down with drugs, fucking with your mental state, and your ability to make positive changes. No wonder you feel stuck, you're battering yourself down, pulling the rug out from under your own feet. Suicide can't possibly be a rational response to any of that, can it? The rational response is stop fucking with your mental and emotional state, put the drugs down. Then, and only then will you be in a position to properly assess where you are in life. What you're doing is ensuring you have no life to assess, and then cos you've got no life, hey suicide, why not? Suicide isn't the answer. Changing what you're doing is. Hang in there, try and take a step back from the drug use and ride out the initial consequences of going clean for a little while as you adjust, see if you can't get some clarity back after a bit of a rest.

<3
 
Hey Foolsgold, improving your situation is not "out of the question". Things may look bleak right now but the cliche that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is really true. I am very glad I didn't act on my suicidal feelings as things CAN get better.

What would you envision your life to be like if you could change it?

What is something that you enjoy that you could do right now to distract yourself until these dark thoughts pass?

Let me know if you need someone to talk to <3

Also there has got to be someone you can turn to for help. What about getting a new doctor? A therapist? A non-profit organization? I'm not sure where you live but there are options.
 
For the past 5 months or so ive contemplated suicide. Ive been on a anti psychktic shot called invega. Ever sense i got the shot ive been miserable and not be able to enjoy life and express gratitude. I feel like im not really going anywhere in life. My girlfriend decided to break up with me for a few.days so she can decide if she wants to be with me. A stupid incident happened where she had to go because a friend was falling apart and i was selfish and texted her a bunch of times on how it was bs and how i was getting pissed. She ended up telling me best friends come.first or something. We were having a few drinks and this shit happened. I know suicide isnt the best choice (im too scared). But the void.in me has grown due to lack of enjoyment from the anti psychotic. I hope once its.out of my blood stream i.will be the same as before.
 
^I assume you've talked to your doctor about this? Please just try to have faith that it will get better. It might not right away, but it really will. Things might not work with your girlfriend, but if that happens it's not the end of the world. Keep fighting and talking/writing about your feelings. For me just getting it out usually helps immensely even if I don't necessarily share what I've written with anyone else. You can get through this and you know that you can talk to us here about what's going on. You don't have to go through this alone. <3
 
Shrouded in taboo and judgment, suicidal feelings are much more common than we realize. Not a symptom of disease or sign of giving up on life, the urge to die is often a desperate need for change in conflict with an overwhelming sense of powerlessness. Many cultures around the world respect this encounter with the most sacred aspect of what it is to be human.
Is it possible to use the power of suicidal feelings as a source for inspiration and revitalization?
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This quote is from Will Hall. I like the description, "a desperate need for change in conflict with an overwhelming sense of powerlessness."
 
herbavore said:
"a desperate need for change in conflict with an overwhelming sense of powerlessness."
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This is precisely what I have been feeling for the last month.
An overload of stressful situations which, on their own wouldn't be a problem, but compounded have resulted in intense anxiety and depression and feelings of doom and hopelessness. I am making as many changes to my situation as possible in order to minimise the stress: e.g. I am quitting my job soon, then I will be moving back in with my parents, they are going to support me while I get back on my feet, I am also back on medication. But the release of pressure can't come soon enough. I am honestly not sure how much longer I can endure this horrendous anxiety and depression. When these feelings come over me, the feeling of terror makes me absolutely incapable of doing anything, even talking, and I simply cannot imagine going on. I've tried to convey the urgency of my situation to my friends and family and doctors but I don't think they get it...
 
I am so glad that you are going to be able to get support from your family. Having a safe and stable place to simply stop and examine your life should do you loads of good.I am wondering whether or not you will be able to be in therapy, though, as family members are not always the best support for making deep emotional changes (too much old patterning, rigid roles of parent/child and sometimes even fear on their part of change). I think that having someone you trust that is not a friend, not a family member and that has been trained to lead you deeper is crucial.

I am going to message you. Hang on one day at a time, one hour at a time and know that there is a place of deep healing where you will no longer have to struggle like this.<3
 
n3o <3 <3 I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself, hun. I know when I'm feeling at my lowest, I have a really difficult time admitting it and reaching out for the help I need. I guess I don't want my family and friends to have to worry about me struggling. It seems like you're taking the steps you need to right now and I'm proud of you for doing so. Hang in there, dear. Things will get better. <3
 
herby and spork, thank you so much for your words <3
I am currently seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and several doctors. I've managed to set up my safety net quite well this time, so that if shit really does go pearshaped (which it's been on the very brink of for quite some time) I can seek help quite quickly. Yet that feeling of pure fear and lack of control still seems to exist. Depression is something I'm quite experienced with, I know when it's coming and how to deal with it. But this anxiety thing is a whole new ball game. My psychistrist says she thinks it's been there all along, but......not like this.

Tonight, just like every other night for the last two months, I will go to bed absolutely praying that I feel better tomorrow.
 
I've been troubled of late with thoughts of ending it all again, they are creeping in more often as I've become quite depressed of late.

It's not really ideation any more as I know how I would do this but the option seems to be back on the table which frightens me, if I'm honest with myself.

I'm not sure what to do, I came off ADs earlier this year as I felt so flat and empty but I still feel that way, I talked to my partner about this a few weeks ago but she reacted badly and is clearly very worried I will become very ill again.

I should go back to see my doctor but I can't face ADs anymore
 
^Please do talk to your doctor. Let them know how the medication you were on affected you and they might be able to find some other options. Are you talking to a therapist at all? That's something you might want to consider if you're not already.

PM me if you ever want to talk, you're cared about and don't need to suffer through this alone. <3 <3 <3
 
Thanks spork, I don't have a therapist or any ongoing treatment for my mental health issues although I have had counselling and CBT in the past. I had a serious episode about 3 years ago that resulted in secure care for a few weeks but the follow up support just evaporated afterwards and I've struggled to get any consistent help.

My doctor is pretty good but it's hard to get an appointment and difficult for me to get there with work and I've been using that as an excuse not to go, I find the prospect more than a little frightening.

I know things are not good, I'm tired all the time (unless I'm taking amphetamines....I know) get little enjoyment from life if any and suicide has once more become an option.

I just don't have anyone to discuss this with, my partner has lived in fear of me breaking down again ever since the last time. She knows things aren't good but when I tried to talk to her about it a few weeks ago she didn't handle it well, panicked and then did and said some stuff that didn't help at all.

Your right though I'll see if I can at least book an appointment in the week
 
atm, I'm so sorry to hear that the depression is upon you again. It's a horrible, crushing state of being and it makes sense to want it to end. I think if anything the fact that you are willing to even entertain the thought of ending you in order to end the pain speaks to how difficult it is to live with. I keep wondering if you feel trapped in your life?

PM me if you want to talk. I'm here and you know I care about you very much.<3
 
atm23 said:
Thanks spork, I don't have a therapist or any ongoing treatment for my mental health issues although I have had counselling and CBT in the past. I had a serious episode about 3 years ago that resulted in secure care for a few weeks but the follow up support just evaporated afterwards and I've struggled to get any consistent help.

My doctor is pretty good but it's hard to get an appointment and difficult for me to get there with work and I've been using that as an excuse not to go, I find the prospect more than a little frightening.

I know things are not good, I'm tired all the time (unless I'm taking amphetamines....I know) get little enjoyment from life if any and suicide has once more become an option.

I just don't have anyone to discuss this with, my partner has lived in fear of me breaking down again ever since the last time. She knows things aren't good but when I tried to talk to her about it a few weeks ago she didn't handle it well, panicked and then did and said some stuff that didn't help at all.

Your right though I'll see if I can at least book an appointment in the week
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How recently have you been using amphetamines?

It only takes about 1-2 weeks tops (in my experience) to go from amphetamine-using, to getting over the sleepiness without it. It might take longer for others, but it is doable to get past this phase and get back to loving sobriety.

Stay strong atm23; you can do it. PM me if you need to. <3
 
I'm lucky I never abused my amp. It still gives me an antidepressant feel at the same dose with a little mood lift. Its tough, because doctors want to prescribe what works but they're wary of abuse turning an illness worse.

Suicidal thoughts and feeling like I've been run over barely manifested before i took three hits of homemade oil, then my medicine (amphetamine) kicked in. I use these medicinally, nothing more.

Someone give me props: I had 30mg clonazepam and 500mg dextroamphetamine while going through paxil, abilify, and tobacco withdrawal at the same time and all I did was take my meds as directed and smoke weed. Lol though
 
Thanks to all for the good wishes and words of advice <3

I've managed to avoid any amphetamines for over a week which is nothing special but as things are is certainly a good thing. There is no question of me being prescribed any kind of stimulant as I live in the UK where they are almost never prescribed other than Ritalin for kids.

I seem to have become so detached from my thoughts and feelings, I'm not sure what to make of it. Thoughts of suicide just seem like a logical and viable option open to me, it doesn't hold any emotion ...I know in myself that that can't be right.

I've managed to get an appointment to see my doctor on Thursday, hopefully we can work something out.
 
Good news, atm. :) Keep us updated and let us know the appointment goes and how you're doing. <3
 
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