You know guys... I didn't use to be this sensitive, but nearly 6 months of sobriety sort of starts unpeeling layers of the soul like an onion and I've spent a lot of time wondering why I always enjoyed altering my mind w/ anything, even if I know I won't really enjoy it (coke, meth, etc.) I have a lot of childhood experiences where I felt severe alienation and downright dislike from others. And it cripppled me in a way because instead of the victory's I always seem to remember the traumatic episodes. I think thats typical ADD behavior. We remember the most intense moments, and I can only speak for myself, but they tend to be very negative and self critical. For example, I still feel hurt thinking of sophmore year in high school when a girl I use to have a crush on told me one day that "I'm such a retard." I started smoking weed like crazy because it blocked out everything for so many years. My family carried my through the dark years of going to college for a bit, then randomly moving to another state to be with a girl who barely even liked me. In other words, I've always been slow on the uptake, and quite lazy, just straight up ADD. But I've always been smart enough to squeeze my way through life enough to where I can survive rather comfortably for a while.
To be honest, for someone whose used everything for the last 10 years. 100% sobriety is the best way to go. I seriously believe that no matter how far down the crap shoot a person has gone, if they reach out for help and start getting off the mind altering substances, you find that life can get really good faster than you can imagine. Doors open up, opportunities arise. And with that comes a lot of work but if you stick with it you will be furthur along than you were 6 months ago. Just take me for example, I started community college at 19, and I'm 27 and finally at my last quarter to get my BA in Communications from a decent UC school.
I'm really slow, and have little short term memory and definitly not the sharpest tool in the shed. But I cut off all my heroin ties, moved back home with my rents got on suboxone, and worked pretty hard for 3 months and got 2 C's, and 2 B's. which ain't bad for a junkie. I miss the dope but it leads nowhere but down so now I'm trying to get back on track but not I have suboxone + wellbutrin + adderall + klonnopin. Whereas before it was just suboxone and wellbutrin and I was running 8 miles non-stop, best physical shape of my life, hitting AA meetings regularly, never drinking, and sleeping/eating/exercising real well. But I only lasted 5-6 months before it was back to that old thinking "well, if I have to die an alcoholic/addict, I might as well get the occasional behavior of acting like one." So on and on it goes. I fully realize that I'm on the edge of getting dependent on more RC's then needed. And it could ruin my last quarter at University. It's such a fragile line people like me walk. And if I knew what was good for me id flush all the addy and take the kpins exactly as prescribed. And slowly get off the sub/wellbutrin.
But I have a roof over my head, food, some money, and I'm not waiting for the next fix. If thats where you are right now and your reading this, it's time to do something drastic to ensure your survival as a human being. Especially these young ppl, I can guarentee you that acheieving real accomplishments is better than any high. Even heroin, IMO. Because whether your a junkie or on track and doing well, theirs always tommorow to deal with.
Anyways thats enough out of me. I'm a pretty sensitive guy but I'm not stupid. I just have done a lot of self analysis and although I still compromise whats best for me at times. I keep trying to make the most out of life while still struggling w/ addictive nature and depression/ ADD, etc. It isn't easy, but humility goes a long ways, and even if I'm not the smartest tool in the shed, so what. God needs rodeo clowns too, and humility goes a long way in life. And it's better to be honest and admit you fucked up if you did.