TDS Life in a small town where EVERYONE knows me as the "burnout druggie"

Wow thanks guys, I have finals this week, 2 today, and reading all of your posts gave me so much motivation to keep fighting!! that one poster was right, maybe I am fishing for women, but it's only because I go to a school thats full of hotties and everytime I ask one out they always have a boyfriend. So I have decided to settle and just recently this heavy set girl that im not even that attracted to likes me a lot and wants me bad. So im gonna give myself to her because she is super pure christian, never had sex, never even masterbated. She wont let me do anything shes not comfortable with. Its funny considering my past, iam definitly not a virgin. But this girl likes me and I'm lonely and horny and will only be in cali for a few more months THANK GOD. I'll be back to read more of the posts in depth, take it easy BL.
 
wait your in cali and people are giving you shit for smoking bud i've never heard of that everywhere i've been in the golden state everyone is koo with weed
 
Okay there seems to be a lot of confusion about me smoking bud and being ostracized for it. I live in a very small "bubble" town full of well to do white folks. Very conservative and uppidity. It's a small Danish village called Solvang and it's kind of fun to visit but it sucks to live there. There are a ton of drop-dead gorgeous high school blonde girls everywhere, and most people in their 20's have got the heck out. Rent is atrocious, the town closes up by 8pm and there is 1 movie theatre and 3 bars. I just took 2 finals and one of them was 118 multiple choice questions about Geology which basically determines if I graduate or not. If I don't pass my classes I will let everyone down and I seriously don't know what the fuck I will do because my entire life and future is wrapped up in me getting this degree to sort of re-gain my self confidence and pride. I feel like my family hasn't respected me in years and basically people avoid me. I avoid them too, but it's just sucks being ADD with PTSD and an anxiety disorder that controls my life. Oddly enough my ex, the one i dated for 4 years and then cut me out completely broke my heart. It took 2 years to get over her and as soon as i get a new girlfriend she randomly calls me at 1am asking how i am. shes up in beaverton oregon going to school i guess. I miss her so much and its sad my new girlfriend doesn't really even turn me on, I just turn her on (she tells me) so I'm doing this for her. But its only for a few months.

Anyways I've been up, down, and everything in between take klonopin and adderall and trying my best to eat, sleep, and take care of myself. I just drank a couple beers at Dublins across the street and I have a final at 7:30 i should probley start studying for. Anyways I don't know why anyone would want to read this but i guess im venting so i apologize, im under a lot of stress and i feel like if i dont get this degree ive been working on for 10 years, i really am the loser my ex, and my ex's mom told me i was. Being 27 sucks. At 22 I had so much confidence and didnt give a flying fuck about what anyone cared. I just dont know where i went wrong, now everything is serious and its S.O.B.E.R. (son of a bitch everythings real). Peace bluelight, and to any of u depressed. lonely, isolated, sexually deprived men especially, i say hold on. Every dog has his day, i truly believe that.
 
Get2Think I'm not sure what advice I can offer but reading your posts you're a dope motherfucker that seems kind, well natured and down to earth. Haters gon' hate man, fuck the lot of them. Good luck bro.

Back at you man, keep swinging out their in the clubs/bars/etc. I know how you Aussies party, and hell, I think I'd fucking love it there, minus the 24/7 sunburn on my white ass.
 
Get2Think,

I can relate to you on a few levels, although for me I talk about joining the military doing for my life what you talk about graduating college will do for yours. When I went to college, I had my entire 128-hour degree plan paid in full by my grandparents. I got absorbed by drugs, dropped 19 classes along the way. All their money spent on nothing. But I stuck around that college town for a few years after the fact and kind of got the junkie reputation. No one will say anything rude to my face because I'm tall and built like an NFL tight end so surely they fear pissing me off, but I have always suspected everyone I know calls me a junkie behind my back. I can just "tell" by how they speak to and deal with me. And yeah there's probably a fair amount of people I'd only call a friend because we did drugs together but you gotta bond over something right?

Moved back to my hometown a few years back and despite getting an apartment and keeping my job the whole time, I still have that rep. It's a real hard thing to shake when other people see you in your intoxicated state most of the time. I run into people now and it legitimately blows their mind all of the new and productive things I do with my life. One thing I've picked up over the years is that if you're starting to care what other people think about you, you're either doing something wrong or they're an asshole. I'm sure you don't see weed as a problem because it's extremely safer than anything else out on the streets, but it is still illegal. You're breaking the law every time you smoke it no matter how much you think weed's not bad. That's how they see it. But they could also just have a stick up their ass about you. Some people are assholes (or have something in theirs). I personally still smoke weed several times a week and have not been able to pass a drug test since 2008. You have no idea how many shit jobs I've had to go to work at because I didn't want to quit weed.

Basically I exchanged my future for a lot of nights of getting super fucked up. I pushed the boundaries of every drug imaginable. I wanted to be as high as I could on a particular substance so I knew what the maximum high was like. Very nearly died shooting coke. I was a dumb kid and kept being a kid into my 20s. It happens to some people. Probably lots of them in our generation. Right now I have no degree, a shitty job that barely keeps me afloat and almost too much work to do to get it all back in front of me. I'm going to have to join the Air Force or Navy soon just to buy my own fucking life back. But since I have most of my school done and live in Texas, I can use the Hazelwood Act to complete my college and give my GI Bill to my child once I meet its mother and conceive it. I know it's everyone's contingency plan, but I would have no problem being a soldier and being professionally trained to kill seems like a good enough skill. Trade four years of my life to get it all back? Shit, why not? I already traded seven to have a bunch of shit taken away from me.

And believe me, I've had my fair share of dating troubles because of my junkie rep. Hurts me even more that I was an actual junkie and have the left arm to prove it. But the scars have faded a lot and "former plasma donor" passes for a pretty good excuse most of the time. Being alone sucks everyone knows that, you're moving soon so just improve yourself as much as possible before you do and get your confidence up there. Just make sure you tell her you like her as soon as you realize it and are together, but don't mistake thinking she's hot for liking her. I've went on dates with some boring as hell hot chicks. Go live your life and don't look back man. You sound like a decent enough guy and if you're that concerned about your reputation, obviously you want good things for yourself. Go get them. Go get her.
 
Get2Think,

I can relate to you on a few levels, although for me I talk about joining the military doing for my life what you talk about graduating college will do for yours. When I went to college, I had my entire 128-hour degree plan paid in full by my grandparents. I got absorbed by drugs, dropped 19 classes along the way. All their money spent on nothing. But I stuck around that college town for a few years after the fact and kind of got the junkie reputation. No one will say anything rude to my face because I'm tall and built like an NFL tight end so surely they fear pissing me off, but I have always suspected everyone I know calls me a junkie behind my back. I can just "tell" by how they speak to and deal with me. And yeah there's probably a fair amount of people I'd only call a friend because we did drugs together but you gotta bond over something right?

Moved back to my hometown a few years back and despite getting an apartment and keeping my job the whole time, I still have that rep. It's a real hard thing to shake when other people see you in your intoxicated state most of the time. I run into people now and it legitimately blows their mind all of the new and productive things I do with my life. One thing I've picked up over the years is that if you're starting to care what other people think about you, you're either doing something wrong or they're an asshole. I'm sure you don't see weed as a problem because it's extremely safer than anything else out on the streets, but it is still illegal. You're breaking the law every time you smoke it no matter how much you think weed's not bad. That's how they see it. But they could also just have a stick up their ass about you. Some people are assholes (or have something in theirs). I personally still smoke weed several times a week and have not been able to pass a drug test since 2008. You have no idea how many shit jobs I've had to go to work at because I didn't want to quit weed.

Basically I exchanged my future for a lot of nights of getting super fucked up. I pushed the boundaries of every drug imaginable. I wanted to be as high as I could on a particular substance so I knew what the maximum high was like. Very nearly died shooting coke. I was a dumb kid and kept being a kid into my 20s. It happens to some people. Probably lots of them in our generation. Right now I have no degree, a shitty job that barely keeps me afloat and almost too much work to do to get it all back in front of me. I'm going to have to join the Air Force or Navy soon just to buy my own fucking life back. But since I have most of my school done and live in Texas, I can use the Hazelwood Act to complete my college and give my GI Bill to my child once I meet its mother and conceive it. I know it's everyone's contingency plan, but I would have no problem being a soldier and being professionally trained to kill seems like a good enough skill. Trade four years of my life to get it all back? Shit, why not? I already traded seven to have a bunch of shit taken away from me.

And believe me, I've had my fair share of dating troubles because of my junkie rep. Hurts me even more that I was an actual junkie and have the left arm to prove it. But the scars have faded a lot and "former plasma donor" passes for a pretty good excuse most of the time. Being alone sucks everyone knows that, you're moving soon so just improve yourself as much as possible before you do and get your confidence up there. Just make sure you tell her you like her as soon as you realize it and are together, but don't mistake thinking she's hot for liking her. I've went on dates with some boring as hell hot chicks. Go live your life and don't look back man. You sound like a decent enough guy and if you're that concerned about your reputation, obviously you want good things for yourself. Go get them. Go get her.

interesting concept... "join the military to buy my life back..." being "professionally" trained to kill doesnt work in the civvy world. not, unless, you want to become a mob hitman. but that wouldnt make any sense, cos you would have just handed your life back - to the mob, straight after you bought it back from the military. mmm.

what i have `traded`(according to your way of thinking) is more than i could ever explain. those kinds of skills, together with the kind of mindset it *could* give you after you have served is a bad mix. dont fucking kid yourself, that life aint a game. and if my kids wanted to join, id say become a cook. he (or she) aint no less important than those at the front.

after seeing (and experiencing) some very expilicit examples of violence in west africa, circa early nineties, ive lost count of the times ive thought of topping myself.

so, ill leave it at that.
 
Oh man IAM so happy right now. I just found out I passed my Earth 2 class and got a C+ in my Comm Intro. The other 2 classes I'm sure I passed. Basically this quarter was the hoop of fire I had to jump through sober and next quarter will be a breeze, and then I graduate!! I guess the adderall and klonnopin came through for me after all. But hey, even a ex-junkie like me can make changes and kick fucking ass. I am so proud of myself right now, I feel like a winner for the first time in a long long time....
 
Congratulations G2T! Must feel amazing being so close to graduating.

Thanks although i wish i could say i did it clean and sober. I've been taking 60-100mg adderall IR + klonnopin because the pressure was too much. Now i really need to get back down to using as prescribed, or recreationally here and there. The adderall is just too damn hard on the system and i was way happier before i started messin with it about 8 days ago.
 
"super-pure christian", hey ? o.k. ... lest see how it goes when you aint following her way.

Yeah she has a no sex policy and its gonna be challenging but im Christian so i want to be less selfish and take it casual. Im not that attracted to her but her personality is amazing, and frankly, it feels good to be wanted and to be told u have a hot body. Before her i tried asking out the attractive valley girl types and they sure dont want me so i said screw em, im gonna give this girl a chance and ive had sex before so ill just jack-it when needed. we have good emotional chemistry and i really respect her.
 
y'know, after you graduate and get on to other things, high school and everyone/everything related fades away fast and completely. i don't remember anyone from high school and don't care to entertain any thoughts of reunions or trying to contact anyone if i could remember a name. fuck 'em, all those ppl don't matter in the bigger picture. don't waste another minute even thinking about any of it. over, done, the ppl who have talked shit don't know who you are now.
good deal w/ finals grades and best of luck to you in everything you do.
-izzy
 
went through the same thing, bud... but when it came down to not attending church, that was the 'deal-breaker'. and they are all the same, no matter what religion. but anyway, good luck - and well done in regards to your studies.
 
Man I could use some friends like you guys in real life. I put so much pressure on myself to be admired because I'm super prideful and just want that confused lonely stoner I was as a teenager fade away. I'm almost 30 and getting older is so tough. Anyone whose like 25+ do u feel the pressure and anxiety of the state of the world? It's like new bad news everyday, and when ur young u feel above it, if that makes sense. I'll take my degree and try to travel, coast guard, probation officer, fire fighter etc. The biggest struggle for me is staying away from opiates/coke/meth or there's no way I can have the life I want. People who are t addicts truly do not understand the difficulties of being an addict/alcoholic, knowing that I could be the homeless dude sleeping drinking, sleeping, anyways I just owe Bluelight ao much. You guys show each other love and it blows me away because I got so absorbed in drugs for 10 years and gosh I'm so damn lucky I made it out of those times alive. Ty blue lighters I love u guys.
 
"super prideful", hey ? see what the bible says about that... didnt touch drugs until i got through the military. then it all turned to shit.

now, i can only really get "under-the-table" type work. cos no one wants to employ anyone with violence/drug convictions. so, i just try to do my best to keep a lid on things these days. my beloved dog goes a long way in to helping me with that.
 
interesting concept... "join the military to buy my life back..." being "professionally" trained to kill doesnt work in the civvy world. not, unless, you want to become a mob hitman. but that wouldnt make any sense, cos you would have just handed your life back - to the mob, straight after you bought it back from the military. mmm.

what i have `traded`(according to your way of thinking) is more than i could ever explain. those kinds of skills, together with the kind of mindset it *could* give you after you have served is a bad mix. dont fucking kid yourself, that life aint a game. and if my kids wanted to join, id say become a cook. he (or she) aint no less important than those at the front.

after seeing (and experiencing) some very expilicit examples of violence in west africa, circa early nineties, ive lost count of the times ive thought of topping myself.

so, ill leave it at that.

I don't want to accuse you of reading into my words too much, but you did. Part of it is my fault by not saying I fully intend to be a career soldier. Soldiering isn't the easiest life, but it will pay me much more than I am currently making and most importantly I am able and willing to work in that profession. Unfortunately I spent too much time partying and getting high when I should have been hitting the books and am nearly out of options. Is that a little bit of me truly not wanting to rebuild my life from the ground up and taking the comfortable military job? Maybe, but military runs in my family. I'm not a stranger to it and after almost dying by my own hand several times with narcotics I am certainly not afraid of a gun. I've had one pointed at me twice already, few possess the balls to actually pull the trigger.
 
fuck these maggots... if the girls prefer these yolos with bmw from daddy,do you really want to be with them?!

move on to better place,I live in crappy place too.... theres no other cure to the problem
 
You know guys... I didn't use to be this sensitive, but nearly 6 months of sobriety sort of starts unpeeling layers of the soul like an onion and I've spent a lot of time wondering why I always enjoyed altering my mind w/ anything, even if I know I won't really enjoy it (coke, meth, etc.) I have a lot of childhood experiences where I felt severe alienation and downright dislike from others. And it cripppled me in a way because instead of the victory's I always seem to remember the traumatic episodes. I think thats typical ADD behavior. We remember the most intense moments, and I can only speak for myself, but they tend to be very negative and self critical. For example, I still feel hurt thinking of sophmore year in high school when a girl I use to have a crush on told me one day that "I'm such a retard." I started smoking weed like crazy because it blocked out everything for so many years. My family carried my through the dark years of going to college for a bit, then randomly moving to another state to be with a girl who barely even liked me. In other words, I've always been slow on the uptake, and quite lazy, just straight up ADD. But I've always been smart enough to squeeze my way through life enough to where I can survive rather comfortably for a while.

To be honest, for someone whose used everything for the last 10 years. 100% sobriety is the best way to go. I seriously believe that no matter how far down the crap shoot a person has gone, if they reach out for help and start getting off the mind altering substances, you find that life can get really good faster than you can imagine. Doors open up, opportunities arise. And with that comes a lot of work but if you stick with it you will be furthur along than you were 6 months ago. Just take me for example, I started community college at 19, and I'm 27 and finally at my last quarter to get my BA in Communications from a decent UC school.

I'm really slow, and have little short term memory and definitly not the sharpest tool in the shed. But I cut off all my heroin ties, moved back home with my rents got on suboxone, and worked pretty hard for 3 months and got 2 C's, and 2 B's. which ain't bad for a junkie. I miss the dope but it leads nowhere but down so now I'm trying to get back on track but not I have suboxone + wellbutrin + adderall + klonnopin. Whereas before it was just suboxone and wellbutrin and I was running 8 miles non-stop, best physical shape of my life, hitting AA meetings regularly, never drinking, and sleeping/eating/exercising real well. But I only lasted 5-6 months before it was back to that old thinking "well, if I have to die an alcoholic/addict, I might as well get the occasional behavior of acting like one." So on and on it goes. I fully realize that I'm on the edge of getting dependent on more RC's then needed. And it could ruin my last quarter at University. It's such a fragile line people like me walk. And if I knew what was good for me id flush all the addy and take the kpins exactly as prescribed. And slowly get off the sub/wellbutrin.

But I have a roof over my head, food, some money, and I'm not waiting for the next fix. If thats where you are right now and your reading this, it's time to do something drastic to ensure your survival as a human being. Especially these young ppl, I can guarentee you that acheieving real accomplishments is better than any high. Even heroin, IMO. Because whether your a junkie or on track and doing well, theirs always tommorow to deal with.

Anyways thats enough out of me. I'm a pretty sensitive guy but I'm not stupid. I just have done a lot of self analysis and although I still compromise whats best for me at times. I keep trying to make the most out of life while still struggling w/ addictive nature and depression/ ADD, etc. It isn't easy, but humility goes a long ways, and even if I'm not the smartest tool in the shed, so what. God needs rodeo clowns too, and humility goes a long way in life. And it's better to be honest and admit you fucked up if you did.
 
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