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Girlfriend forced to work for her mother

melvin's army

melvin's army

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 29, 2004
Messages
349
Location
Canada
I'm not exactly sure how to help. She's 21, and has a 3 year old son. She lives with her parents and works in her mother's restaurant tirelessly for nothing but food and a roof over her head. She has a car, but it is registered to her father. The last time she tried to leave, her father reported it stolen. I keep trying to offer her a place to live and have even offered to buy her a cheap used car, but she seems to have too much pride to take anything from me that would benefit her, likely because she is worried she would just become a slave to someone else, seeing that she then would 'owe me.' Ive tried telling her that I would never put her in that same position. She's worried that she won't be able to find a job or a daycare spot close to where I am. Right now, she can't afford to get a car and pay rent anywhere and feels completely stuck with her situation. Ive told her that she is always welcome to stay at my house, but I wonder if she's a little afraid of that idea; we've only been going out for 3 months or so.

She called me in complete distress today after her mother bitched her out, and I tried to talk her through it and that things will get better, but she is in such a low state that she doesn't really see any light at the end of the tunnel right now. I couldn't even drive to pick her up because I am on call with only a work vehicle and I'm not really supposed to leave the area I cover (she lives approx 45 minutes away).

Any suggestions? I hate seeing her trapped in a situation she feels she cannot get out of. She sees finding a new job, new house, new daycare, and the lack of transportation as an insurmountable feat. I want to help her as much as I can, but I just don't know if she's ready to let me help.
 
To be honest, I would rather depend on my family than a man. Family isn't going to one day decide that he's over the relationship and I'm left abandoned with a son that is not his. I think if she has to live off of someone, then doing it on family is the right decision.
 
So, are you really prepared to take care of a girl with a kid? Are you financially able to? She's better off with her parents.

You've only been going out for three months, and I doubt if you can offer her the support she needs. No offence.

Frankly, she's lucky her parents didn't throw her out when she got pregnant.
 
She would have been thrown out long ago if it weren't for the fact that she works 60 hours per week for her mother and isn't even on payroll. In fact the last time she tried to leave, her mother told the cops she was kidnapped. For that reason, or for some totally unknown reason, she went back.

To answer your question, yes, I am ready to do whatever it is to free her from her mother. I want to give her the tools to be independent. Right now she has nothing to her name, and desperately wants to see some sort of reward, ie: a paycheck so she can support herself, for the countless hours puts in because her mother would rather sit around and play bejewelled on facebook. She's no welfare queen, am I making myself clear??

Also, I'm a young industrial electrician with a 6 figure income. I can afford to help. I just need to convince her what the best thing for her is I repeat, I don't want to be a sugar daddy of any sort, I just want her to be happy and successful. I really care about her and her kid unlike anybody else before
 
where does she start? if she quits her job and trys to find something that actually pays her money, she loses pretty well whatever shred of stability she has in her life. She's spent the last 5 years in a one sided deal with her mother where she gets a roof over her head and a car to drive, but the keys to that shitty 2000 dollar car gets taken away whenever she wants to tries to better herself and find a paying job. Her mother knows she can't operate her business without her, but refuses to admit that she deserves to be simply paid for her work.
 
job, housing, then all the rest sort of happens. that is how life gets established, without the means to do housing, then job....
 
I agree with the above...if you guys had known each other for a really long time then yeah okay, but 3 months? That's quite soon to move in together, especially if she's got a kid. I understand why she's so reticent.
I think the best you can do for her right now is really to just show you're there for her and for support if she needs it :)

Oh and I like what kaywholed said about how you need to show her/she needs to figure out how to be independant, rather than just letting her transfer her dependancy on her parents, onto you.
 
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Does she have any kind of stock in this company? Is the company working in the black or is it just starting out?

New, small businesses require a lot of work, so is this some kind of partnership where she's reaping the benefits of a growing company? She might be better off busting her ass now. If it's a family business, then she's in a good spot.
 
They've been operating as a caterer for a few years now but have just had their new restaurant grand opening. She has no real benefit to be there other than a roof over her head and a car to drive when her parents aren't being petty and controlling. As far as I know, she gets no cut of the profits, just a very meager living expense (pretty much just for clothes and necessities for her boy) and a place to live. I have no idea what the company's books look like, but they have a ton of business. There are nearly ten other part time and full time employees there who all get paid as required by law.

One thing that really upsets my girlfriend is that she is the one who has to do payroll and make out cheques to everyone else when she herself isn't even making minimum wage.
 
melvin's army said:
They've been operating as a caterer for a few years now but have just had their new restaurant grand opening. She has no real benefit to be there other than a roof over her head and a car to drive when her parents aren't being petty and controlling. As far as I know, she gets no cut of the profits, just a very meager living expense (pretty much just for clothes and necessities for her boy) and a place to live. I have no idea what the company's books look like, but they have a ton of business. There are nearly ten other part time and full time employees there who all get paid as required by law.

One thing that really upsets my girlfriend is that she is the one who has to do payroll and make out cheques to everyone else when she herself isn't even making minimum wage.
Click to expand...

meh, a trip from an auditor would find it curious that the employee doing the books is not on the payroll....
 
kaywholed said:
meh, a trip from an auditor would find it curious that the employee doing the books is not on the payroll....
Click to expand...

Regardless, they haven't been audited as far as I know. All I need to know is how to help her. She feels so helpless right now, If she goes looking for a new job, she will lose her means of transportation to get her to her new job. This is a fairly rural area; we can't just hop on a bus and go downtown. I feel the best way to help her right now is to find her an affordable car that she doesn't have to be worried of getting taken away. Is this a good idea?
 
Are you going to put the car in her name and pay for it upfront? If she is smart, she is not going to drop her bread and butter for someone she met 3 months ago. If she can be self-supportive and move in with you, that's a different story, but I would never advise anyone to transfer dependency to someone they just met.

If you want to help, give her cash, buy a car and put it in her name and pay for it upfront or go to a lawyer to draw up paperwork that if anything happens, the car is hers.
 
I don't want her to be dependent on me, thats not the point. I want her to be happier and more independent. If I go a ahead with getting her a car, it's going to be in her name. I want it to be a gift in order for her to be able to do what she wants with her life and not feel so goddamn enslaved to her parents, or me, for that matter. I never want her to feel trapped with me, and sofar, we are both very happy with each other in our relationship.

Am I crazy?? 8o
 
i think you should leave her kid with her parents, and take her to your basement to be chained to the wall as as sex slave. or let her be an adult and make her own life choices, even if that means she works in the family business to take care of her family.
 
The fact that she's an adult who can make her own decisions doesn't seem to make that much difference to her parents. The last time she tried to move out, at the age of 18 or 19, I believe, they reported the car stolen and that she was kidnapped. 8o . Her mother makes her feel worthless, and gives her shit for not leaving, yet punishes her and won't let her leave when she tries to get out. I truly think from what I've had to do with their family is that her mother is pretty nasty to her and that it really isn't an overreaction on my girlfriend's part. She needs to get out, and I want to help her however I can.
 
Still trying to figure that one out, iheart. She wants out of her parents house badly, and dealing with a new house, job, daycare, transportation, etc. appears to be too daunting to her for her to even know what she really wants right now. I get it if she isn't ready to move in with me, but the two hours of her crying on the phone this morning told me she wants out of that house...
 
she pretty much has to decide for herself. I know you WANT to help her. Maybe the best help you can do for now, is listen until she figures out what is best for her and her little one. I'm sorry that doesn't make it any easier.
 
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