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Why do I attract certain people? Is it me. (Pic)

T

tabsandcaps

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 4, 2012
Messages
131
Location
Canada
TL;DR: Well the problem I seem to have is pretty much every girlfriend I've had were very much the same in a lot of ways; Very clingy, codependent, jealous, and not faithful. I Know i;m only 18 and yes that is young but I still do feel emotions and feelings for people. I've had 3 girlfriends i consider "serious" Not just because we had sex or whatever but I actually felt a connection with each one. So why is it that I attract these girls and these are the girls that I fall for, is it a psychological thing, or is it something simple that i'm not seeing. If you have any questions that i didn't adress please ask. If you're coming in just to troll or anything please don't, I'd really like to know because I'm really just giving up on finding a girl that's right for me.


The first girl who I lost my virginity too was extremely jealous, knew my passwords to everything, deleted almost every girl off of my msn (Yes I still used it at this time lol) and facebook and I let her do it because I thought it would prove to her I loved her and only her and hopefully she would get over her insecurities and jealousy. After almost a year she ends up cheating on me. I don't even know how to describe the feeling, i don't want to get all dramatic and say my heart shattered blah blah, but it seriously hurt, and did a number on my own self esteem. After her cheating on me she tried getting me back telling me how sorry she was and told me she had cut herself in her inner thighs and would send me pictures of her completely naked with cuts on her legs. I felt guilty for her cutting and I took her back, It wasn't the same, long story short it didn't work out and i ended it as she still wouldn't let me hang out with any of my friends as she did what she wanted. She continued with her threats of suicide, then threats of getting me beat up, then it eventually stopped and she found someone else.

The second girl was my next girlfriend about a year later, the first girl I had a connection with since the above. We had lots of fun together liked to party and drink etc. But more of the same very codependent, jealous, flirty to other guys, and very insecure. She was a pretty girl too I wasn't sure why she was like this but she was ok with me hanging with friends and talking to people at least. Long story short she didn't cheat but i seen sexts on her phone with one of my good friends. Basically the same thing, she'd tell me all the time that she took a whole bottle of advil and she was eating random pills in her parents rooms and all that shit. I tried to ignore it but there's always a what if.

And the third girl was about 4 months later, It was really good between us we were actually best friends, together every day. I moved away for work but would be coming home every month and we talked about it and she said she wanted to stay together, about a week after I move and start working she tells me she cheated on me but doesnt want to end it. No suicide messages this time, no messages at all she continued partying and doing what she was doign and we didn't talk much after that. I thought me and her had the biggest connection though, which really sucked.

These weren't my only girlfriends though, I've had little flings or dates or hookups with girls but never a decent girl, who has her head on straight and shit figured out, it's always the same types of girls.

Little bit of info about me:
i'm 18 years old, I work labor jobs mostly construction (I took a seasonal position over the winter because work was very slow) but i'm starting in a labor camp in the oil fields, I love hard work. I'm not a loud cocky tough guy i'm on the quiet side but not awkwardly shy, I like to party a little too much probably but so far havent let it interfere with my life.




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you look cute. anyway i dont see how the picture the picture will get you a helpful answer but it can stay unless the whole thing steers off topic

where are you meeting these girls?

i honestly cannot answer other than whatever signal you are putting out keeps drawing in the same insecure girls. needy people do tend to jump into relationships rapidly. is that a pattern you have noticed e.g. after two days of knowing them you are in a relationship. people that are insecure and jealous that you are cheating on them are often those inclined to cheat...
 
You are young and so are the girls you are dating,sounds to me like you feel that you are ready for a proper relationship, a more long term thing.

I reckon your problem will sort itself out in time and when you meet that girl "the one" put your cards on the table and tell her what you want, she may rip your heart out and stomp the crap out of it while laughing like a maniac or maybe not. Who knows, it worked for me.
 
Do you act like a pushover and let people do whatever they want around you? Do you have trouble saying no? I only ask because women who would neglect your relationship so easily would tend to be people who view you as someone they don't need to take seriously. Sounds like there are major boundary issues going on as well. If you're not sure what that means, it's basically that one or both people in the relationship aren't owning what's theirs, and they are blaming the other person for it. Big time projection. The behaviours you describe are also just immature.

Based on your photo... you're a decent looking guy, perhaps a bit innocent. Maybe you are reading into deep, serious relationship queues where there aren't any. Maybe your deep talks with these women are not being followed up with real commitment? I'll give you a piece of advice: actions speak louder than words. A girl can sweet talk you all she likes but if she's not there for you when it counts, or is easily betraying you, then she's not taking you seriously.

Good for you for trying though. It can be hard to gain good relationship experience at age 18 - I know. My personal belief is that we attract the lessons we're meant to learn. It's not a blame thing, it's just a "that's life" thing. Eventually you will learn and will see these "types" coming, and won't give them the time of day. In the mean time, they're appearing for a reason, and it's to fortify the part of you that keeps letting them in without realizing their destructive tendencies.
 
pofacedhoe said:
where are you meeting these girls?
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I met the 3 i mentioned at school, (I'm finished school now)

pofacedhoe said:
needy people do tend to jump into relationships rapidly. is that a pattern you have noticed e.g. after two days of knowing them you are in a relationship.
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No I wait to make sure I like who they are and enjoy being around them, but I just never see who they really are until we're actually in the relationship.. Well maybe I don't wait long enough, but it's never been 1-2 days, I always known them for a while and been talking with them regularly atleast a few weeks, depending on how I feel with them.


fleea said:
You are young and so are the girls you are dating,sounds to me like you feel that you are ready for a proper relationship, a more long term thing.

I reckon your problem will sort itself out in time and when you meet that girl "the one" put your cards on the table and tell her what you want, she may rip your heart out and stomp the crap out of it while laughing like a maniac or maybe not. Who knows, it worked for me.
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I'm not eager on finding a long term relationship right now, after all I just turned 18 which is the age of majority where I live, and I'm still discovering myself and experiencing my own things, It just worries me that every girl ive dated or hooked up with or anything all had the same characteristics. you know.



DOB said:
you are pretty sexy dude,if I was gay I would totaly make out with you
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I cant say the feeling is mutual but thanks brp hah

Foreigner said:
Do you act like a pushover and let people do whatever they want around you? Do you have trouble saying no?
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The first girl, the one I lost my virginity too, she'd say jump i'd say how high, it wasn't even funny I let her own me, she didn't want me hanging out with my friends, she didn't want me talking to any othe girls, I didn't, She made me cut all ties with pretty much everyone except her, and then cheated on me., After that my friends were pissed I ditched them for a fucking year i had no one else.

Since then I want more mutual respect, and most importantly trust.

Thank you for taking the time to help me out and the kind words ponti, And yeah you're right, i need to focus on figuring out who I am first.
 
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It just worries me that every girl ive dated or hooked up with or anything all had the same characteristics. you know.
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The problem is not that you're attracting these sort of girls, the problem is you're letting them walk all over you, that's why they're acting like that. If you would deny them to act like that from the beginning and letting them know that such behavior is unacceptable and would mean the end of the relationship, they'd obviously not do the things they did if they wanted to be with you. And if they didn't want to be with you, even better - waste of time anyway. win-win.

Of course, don't be an arrogant piece of shit and treat them like dirt. But know when to say no.
Don't give a girl your FB password, unless you've been with her for a year or so, maybe not even then. Definitely don't let them delete your MSN contacts, wtf?
She cuts herself because she can't be with you? What kind of a person are you for taking her back? Do you really want your GF to be some psychopath or ?
She threatens to beat you up? Bitchslap!

Ya need to know when to tell her she's wrong. Even call her an idiot sometimes... and it's for a good reason, never apologize, let her know why you called her an idiot.

Anyway, nobody likes a pushover. Confidence without arrogance. Don't let ANYONE, no matter if they're the love of your life or not, walk over you or otherwise interfere with your life in any way negative.
 
More of a verbal bitchslap... I don't like violence either. My GF tried to beat me xD
Of course... I did some kickboxing in my life... and right when she tried to slap me I blocked her hit... Her hand hurt because she hit my hand, it was funny... But she deserves that for trying to hit me.
 
Do you think maybe you tend to go for these more manipulative/controlling girls because of your own insecurities/self-doubt/self-esteem issues? I'm only speculating obviously, but it would make sense. Like you feel you deserve to be treated in that manner and so you kind of ignore the 'warning signals' given off by those kinds of girls and impulsively go for them instead. I don't think it's a particularly uncommon occurrence, can stem from relationships with parents, etc.
For instance - I'm just a year older than you and I had the same boyfriend from when I'd just turned 16 to a few months after my 18th. Actually I kinda started seeing him when I was barely 15 but it wasn't really serious then so I don't count it. Anyway - he treated me well in the beginning but after 5-6 months he really started treating me like shit. I think he'd qualify for being described as emotionally abusive - he never listened to what I had to say, would tell me I was stupid on a regular basis, would literally tell me 'shut up' if I tried to contribute to a conversation between him and his friends, made fun of me...list goes on. When my grandfather, who I was extremely close to, died and I tried talking to him about it, he told me to go bother someone else; when I was raped and finally, after a lot of struggling, got the guts to tell him about it, he told me I was overreacting. At the time I didn't rebel against any of that but rather complied to it entirely because I felt like he was right and I deserved all the abuse, deserved to be told I was dumb and to be in such an inferior position as compared to him.
In the few months after we broke up (because, similarly to your situation, he left me for a 'friend' of mine who it turns out he'd been cheating on me with for a couple months) I came to realize that no, I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I also realized that the only reason I'd let myself be walked all over like that was because my father had treated me in the exact same way for years - both physicially & verbally abusive, telling me I should be dead, was a waste of space, etc etc.

Anyway this is a bit of a depressing post but it's just to say I know my own insecurities (that's a bit of a light word for it, but you get the idea) and long-standing issues really contributed both to my choice of boyfriend & to how I was treated in the relationship - and I can tell you that ever since I've realized all that, the couple relationships I've had since then, although they were both short, were much, much healthier from the start. So if I were you I'd try to see if there's anything similar in your case that would explain why you always go for the abusive/manipulative type.
 
^^ My mom (who i lived with, my parents are divorced) Was extremely controlling, the kind of person where shit HAD to be done her way regardless if you found a better way or faster way or anything else that worked, she had OCD, and has told me she hates me a few times in fights but thats her anger issues/depression.

I've always played with that idea Pagey. After hearing that every man grows up to marry his mother, because all the girls have been very controlling.

Maybe it is my own emotional problems that leads me to do this, but with that being said what can I do about it? I know i need to probably help myself first, and deal with my emotional issues, it's not like im a depressed guy or anything but.
 
Yeah I would definitely try to address your underlying feelings about all that - therapy was the breakthrough for me. I know it seems easy to just say 'well no, I know I don't deserve that, that's easy' but it does take some work to eradicate the destructive patterns. However, it's entirely possible. If you can go to therapy, even for just a few sessions, to talk about that, it might really make a difference in your future relationships.
 
I would just say fuck em. Party, fuck hoes, and relax.


If you are really curious though, I would ask them what it is that made them cheat on you.
 
tabsandcaps said:
The first girl, the one I lost my virginity too, she'd say jump i'd say how high, it wasn't even funny I let her own me, she didn't want me hanging out with my friends, she didn't want me talking to any othe girls, I didn't, She made me cut all ties with pretty much everyone except her, and then cheated on me., After that my friends were pissed I ditched them for a fucking year i had no one else.

Since then I want more mutual respect, and most importantly trust.

Thank you for taking the time to help me out and the kind words ponti, And yeah you're right, i need to focus on figuring out who I am first.
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It sounds like you have your answer - you are too passive, and not assertive enough, and therefore you get co-dependent girls and girls who walk all over you.

I used to be the same dude - no sweat - just learn from your path now. That's the most important thing after all along the learning curve - that you learn, or perpetuate negative behaviour cycles over and over.

You're a good looking guy, you just need to be assertive, and confident in yourself and your abilities, and you need to look for warning signs earlier on. When you see the warning signs (think back over your girls, what actions/behaviour they all had in common...stuff they would do) - just think deja-vu - end it if you think you've hooked up with yet another girl who bad for ya.
 
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