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I realize how ridiculously petty this is going to sound considering the other things going on in this forum but I seriously do need help, support, advice, whatever.
I absolutely despise how I look. I have put on an insane amount of weight ever since I moved away to college in september and have never been anywhere near this heavy. I wouldn't say I'm 'fat' but I certainly left the realms of 'thin' that I'd been comfortable in for years. I was severely anorexic a few years ago, spent a bit of time in the hospital for being too skinny. Anyway I got back to a safe weight that I'd been at until about last may/june. I really liked myself like that and was confident abotu how I looked. I've never had any self-confidence in general, mostly because of my destructive/abusive relationships with many people like my dad or a couple ex-boyfriends. I need to feel good about how I look or I literally can't cope with things. It's one thing that I can hold on to and tell myself 'well, at least this is something I can feel good about'.
Anyway ever since about last april when my depression got way worse I've been steadily putting on weight, and especially as soon as I moved a few months ago. I'm honestly addicted to eating. I snack when I'm sad, bored, whatever. Quite frankly it helps me almost as much as the 'real' drugs I use, except it's cheaper and easier to get. And so now I'm humiliated by the way I look, I don't want anyone to be able to see me whenever I go out, I just feel so embarrassed. I feel ugly and disgusting and worthless. I know it's stupid to base my self-worth on my looks but it really was one of the only sources of confidence for me. Whenever someone looks at me I just want to hide because I feel like they're laughing at me inside their heads.
I've tried going on countless diets that had worked for me in the past but I'm not managing. I go 3 days and give in to the cravings and eventually just hate myself more. I've got no self-control at all these adys because I'm in such a bad state of mind in general. My diets have only ever worked in the past when I was relatively happy; so I know I should be focusing on the other issues that are keeping me from being happy right now but I know that'll be work in the very long term and I just can't look like this so much longer. I just saw myself naked in the mirror when I was going to take a shower and just spent the next half hour punching my stomach or whatever part of me I now hate.
And I know if I don't take care of this now I'll just continue putting on weight and then it'll get to the point where I've got 50kg to lose or something. But I just can't do it.
I know it sounds stupid and pathetic but I can't deal with this anymore. I feel disgusting and like no one could ever want me; considering loneliness is another thing that's been making me depressed this is just reinforcing it so much more.
If anyone has any advice on how to deal with these sorts of feelings I'd appreciate it.
I absolutely despise how I look. I have put on an insane amount of weight ever since I moved away to college in september and have never been anywhere near this heavy. I wouldn't say I'm 'fat' but I certainly left the realms of 'thin' that I'd been comfortable in for years. I was severely anorexic a few years ago, spent a bit of time in the hospital for being too skinny. Anyway I got back to a safe weight that I'd been at until about last may/june. I really liked myself like that and was confident abotu how I looked. I've never had any self-confidence in general, mostly because of my destructive/abusive relationships with many people like my dad or a couple ex-boyfriends. I need to feel good about how I look or I literally can't cope with things. It's one thing that I can hold on to and tell myself 'well, at least this is something I can feel good about'.
Anyway ever since about last april when my depression got way worse I've been steadily putting on weight, and especially as soon as I moved a few months ago. I'm honestly addicted to eating. I snack when I'm sad, bored, whatever. Quite frankly it helps me almost as much as the 'real' drugs I use, except it's cheaper and easier to get. And so now I'm humiliated by the way I look, I don't want anyone to be able to see me whenever I go out, I just feel so embarrassed. I feel ugly and disgusting and worthless. I know it's stupid to base my self-worth on my looks but it really was one of the only sources of confidence for me. Whenever someone looks at me I just want to hide because I feel like they're laughing at me inside their heads.
I've tried going on countless diets that had worked for me in the past but I'm not managing. I go 3 days and give in to the cravings and eventually just hate myself more. I've got no self-control at all these adys because I'm in such a bad state of mind in general. My diets have only ever worked in the past when I was relatively happy; so I know I should be focusing on the other issues that are keeping me from being happy right now but I know that'll be work in the very long term and I just can't look like this so much longer. I just saw myself naked in the mirror when I was going to take a shower and just spent the next half hour punching my stomach or whatever part of me I now hate.
And I know if I don't take care of this now I'll just continue putting on weight and then it'll get to the point where I've got 50kg to lose or something. But I just can't do it.
I know it sounds stupid and pathetic but I can't deal with this anymore. I feel disgusting and like no one could ever want me; considering loneliness is another thing that's been making me depressed this is just reinforcing it so much more.
If anyone has any advice on how to deal with these sorts of feelings I'd appreciate it.