• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Involuntary Suicide

JasperTheReckless

JasperTheReckless

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 1, 2011
Messages
339
I feel like i'm killing myself, slowly, but distracting myself enough to take the drugs, over and over.
I don't enjoy being high anymore.
It feels gross, i've lost the pleasure from my favorite drugs. I used to like bad trips, but now bad trips just means hospital and ICU and mental health facilities.

I take so much of things, I don't know why, I feel like i'm dramatizing my life, but what if i'm not.

I think I might be using the euphoria from the drugs as a self preservation device, to prevent myself from committing suicide.
that might just be addiction talking, but it's so fucking confusing.

I put a loaded gun in my mouth last month and sat there with the hammer back for ten minutes to feel what it's like to have the power in my hands.

normal people don't do that shit. I'm scared i'm too clever to allow myself to seek the help I need, something inside me wants to die and I don't i'm scared, I love people, I like doing certain things, that means I have no reason to, i'm not ill or anything, physically at least.

as I get older, I get sadder.

I want to feel better, or I want someone to tell me it's okay to die.

the stress is ripping my mind apart and I feel like i'm sitting in a silent tornado, being assaulted and tortured, i'm too young to go insane, i'm only 19.

I feel weak.
 
Last edited:
It sounds like you're suffering from depression. Have you recently been coming off of hard drugs? That can often leave us feeling horrible and not fully understanding why. What are you currently using? Do you want to quit? If so there's a lot of help out there for you.

Feel free to PM me if you want to. :)
 
Jasper... what you're doing with the gun is called suicidal ideation. It's playing around with the idea that you could do it at any time, and then play-acting it out.

It sounds like what you want is more life, not death. You are too young to throw it away. Trust me when I say that with the right approach, you could feel like a completely different person next year. Life can make a dramatic turn.

You get to know yourself intimately at rock bottom. One day you will become stronger and look back on this as your major turning point. In the mean time, it's worth looking at what you've been up to recently. Can you share more details? Any idea why you ended up feeling this way? Any recent drug use?
 
I keep using dxm to push the thoughts away.
I tried to stay off it because the depression is partly from withdrawals but it only gets worse and worse and worse and worse.
I use it when I feel like I should try, because I know somewhere inside I don't want to die. I feel retarded even saying all this.
I feel like an idiot. The logical answer is sober up. But I just continue feeling like shit.
Meds don't help with anything except mania. Nothing has ever helped depression.

Sure weed helps.

But the only harmless fucking substance I can use, my parents hate, my boyfriend hates,
So I can't. It literally lifts the curtain but unfortunately isn't an option.
 
You are doing the best thing you can & that is talking about it. Even on an anonymous message board you are typing back & forth with real human beings.
 
Keep pushing yourself on through the days while you are feeling this way.
Hopefully in the future you will begin to feel better about life etc.
As long as you do keep on going on day by day and hour by hour you will come out a survivor.
Don't consider suicide, be strong and be a survivor in life.
I wish you all the best mate.
 
Foreigner said:
Jasper... what you're doing with the gun is called suicidal ideation. It's playing around with the idea that you could do it at any time, and then play-acting it out.

It sounds like what you want is more life, not death.
Click to expand...

^This.

So many times i picture my son like this, Jasper (he was your age, just turned 20). I feel the way he was so courageous and yet felt so weak. I feel the desperation that made him want to die when what he really wanted was to live free. I feel how alone he felt in this state and it tortures me and always will. I used to tell him that life would get easier, better, that the moments of happiness would begin to snowball until one day, out of the blue, he would be swimming in an avalanche of joy and not even know where it was coming from. I still believe that had he lived, this would be true. Please live. Please trust. Do whatever it takes to leave the drugs behind and get to know the world again like you did as a child. As long as you are breathing, you have that option. ((((<3))))
 
well you can look at that question from several perspectives;

if it is your goal to increase the amount of happiness in this world and lessen the amount of sadness then killing yourself is not okay, as it interferes with your goal as inevitably people you don't even know would be hurt by your suicide and those close to you would forever be hurt.

others argue that it is your choice and you can do whatever you want.

my question is, do you really want to die? and why? do you want to just stop suffering? what do you want?

@herbavore: i know how tough it is but that state of mind of being lost and not seeing the possibilities is very typical of any person at that age. You shouldn't feel tortured that he did not get to see it through. He lived a life, was a person, did the whole thing and experienced as much life as anyone can. My mother died when i was a teenager and it was just as life was starting to get better that it happened. I felt bad that she didn't get to see the brighter side and enjoy life after all the pain and struggle but eventually i came to accept that she lived her life and experienced it, all the same.

@OriginalPost: i think you have a case of brain fog brought on by dxm. DXM used to make me feel so strange especially when i stopped using it after daily use. It will clear eventually, you won't go crazy if you haven't already. I've had a few psychotic breaks and it's not the end of the world; eventually you'll sober up enough to get that clarity you seek. If you are having suicidal ideation then see a doctor. I got it from using SSRI's and my dr didn't really care but it's a start at finding treatment or getting your shit back on track.

Ultimately time was the only thing to help me, i started to figure things out in the world, how things worked, how to live better and things started falling into place. You're only 19, i think my first psychotic break was at 19 or 20, i'm okay now and i was seriously suicidal back then to the point of almost jumping in front of a car. I still have strange problems but i think it's just the way i am. I've read some of your trip reports and the drugs you take and enjoy lol they are fucked up and completely reckless but at 19 i was doing the same things. At some point you realize you aren't invincible.
 
I feel so fucked up in the head, daydreaming about it. I don't really want to die per se, but it just seems like the easy way out of a lifetime full of suffering. Things have literally, not stopped getting worse since I was little. I mean shit, I slit my wrists in front of my family, and they not only got angry with me, they stopped talking to me, all except my mother and my aunt. To put the cherry on top, my mother is a bully to my aunt, and that tears me up inside.
 
yeah life isn't all suffering though, there are ups and downs for everyone and that is the nature of our life here. Your family probably had no idea how to react to you slitting your wrists, families can be insensitive to such things and definitely not understand where you come from. If you work towards bettering yourself and your life then things will improve, at least they have for me. I went through a tremendous struggle since i was probably 11 or 12 and felt suicidal many times but if i had just thrown in the towel then i wouldn't have got to see it through and the struggle and pain makes everything feel that much better when it works out. You can appreciate life afterwards. It took me a long time to grow out of that reckless stage and i am still reckless at times with drugs and money but after a while you start to learn how to deal with it better and not let things get out of control.
 
I feel conditioned to view any sort of happiness as a temporary thing. Pain is the constant and happiness is a speck of dust in the wind here and there.
 
It feels alot worse today and the the last few than it has in a while.
I don't feel sad, or depressed, just lonely and I keep thinking up ways and it's getting to me. Every time I run an idea through my head, it seems a little more plausible.
 
Do not do anything rash. Have you ever talked to a counselor or therapist about your depression? Or taken anything for it?
 
I have talked to a therapist, but nothing much seems to help, it all seems like textbook stuff.

I take Lithium.
 
This was so tragic to read. It's because I am you- or was you at one point of my life. I, and countless others, have felt the exact same way you have felt. And as much as it sounds like a bunch of bullshit when people tell you it will get better, it's THE TRUTH. You'll look back when things aren't so bad and you'll feel proud of all you have been through and all you have endured and that in itself will give you strength to go on. Until that time comes, don't do anything rash. Things do get better.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top