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anxiety, depression, paranoid delusions, and sever health problems HELP

kingtweaker92

kingtweaker92

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Joined
Oct 23, 2012
Messages
89
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united started
once I was an angel, doing everything I was supposed to. nowadays darkness smothers me. the devils got a death grip on my soul, assuming I still have one..

it started before I was even born, with my father. he had a curse too. mental illness and drug abuse, lead to his depression. the doctor came to save the day but took my fathers life away. doc said the antidepressants would be the cure but he was wrong. 2 Weeks on the prescriptions and my father fell victim to the demon inside and took his life with a shotgun. so there I am 6 years old and it's time too be a man, but I didn't understand went daddy woulddo that? my mothers years filled me with the feeling of responsibility I had to pick up daddys slack. I never cried once, never not once shed a tear. I was traumatized. angry. confused. and I took it out on the world.

by 3rd grade I was suspended numerous times for weaponsand fights. I had a devil inside of me. I withdrew. socially isolated I found horror bloody gore fascinating. along with a new found hate for anything and everything the world had to offer buy although i'm going insane at such a young age i'm still competent I ain'tsold my soul yetand the pain led to my first joint. I cane across it due to my older friends I hung with. they called me youngblood. not a week after the fist hit I had my first drank . ionly got worse from there.

so here I am 19 years old, unemployed depressed, paranoid and completely hopeless cuzz the needle heat me up in vein. everyday mauling my body a fucking needle! i'm having heart problems, it's harder to breathe everyday and Llost 50 or so pounds i'm the past month and a half.

so here I am alone again add usual, I got no friends, my family scared of me because i'm so aggressive, agitated, and hateful.
o want you all to know, Iain't fuckin pretending,
alone in my bed gun to my had, asking WHERE WAS MY HAPPY ENDING??

-KING
 
really sorry to hear man. you've had a rough go, no question about it. I am sorry that you had to deal with so much at a young age. I want to be clear in saying that demons and bad spirits have nothing to do with any of this. Your dad had a problem, probably much like yours, used drugs to cope, got thrown on SSRIs and like quite a few people killed themselves as a result. That is a well known side effect of SSRIs.

Don't feel guilty or like you had anything to do with it, it wasn't your fault. The situation and way you grew up weren't your fault either, and even now that you are an 'addict' there are many reasons behind it.

The solution is to talk to a therapist, a good one, one you are comfortable with and let out all that anger, frustration, sadness, hurtfulness and pain. You're happy ending is still a long time off man. I am 26 and finally shit's starting to come together for me. I've been so messed up for so long but i can promise you if you work at it, it will get better. My dad attempted suicide when i was 12 several times and it broke my heart, killed the joy inside me and left me very confused. I was never the same after.

Trust me the world isn't so terrible, you are viewing the world with 'depressed goggles' on and selectively remembering only the worst parts of it. You can change this though. Don't kill yourself, you can completely fix these problems, the bad memories, the fucked up life, the questions of WHY you and everything.

What drugs are you currently taking? (I assume meth by your name and the weightloss) Have you ever seen a psych or a therapist? Do you have any goals/dreams that would make you happy?

i can tell by your post that you don't want to be like this, change is hard, especially if you don't know what you're doing but people here can help, therapy can help and you can also make changes. I felt i was dealt a shit hand in life too but you can take that shit hand and make it better. Keep going, dive into the root of the problems and i'm sure you'll come out of this on top.

If you're ever feeling really shitty, send me a PM.
 
your exactly right Robot. I don't really want this, i'm screaming as loud as possible got help the best way I can. the long-term Methuse has made me an unbearable person to be around, let alone help.. I recognize this is my head, but when anybody at all approaches me I feel my expression change and I get the feeling like a demon just takes over, i've gotten so bipolar and nobody not even friends out family talk to me anymore. I ram them off honestly probably out of shavme..

my Drug of choice is Meth btw and I was in the drivers seat at one point then I meet the needle..im sure explanation of how severe my addiction is..it used to make me so outgoing and ive always been socially isolated, it have me confidence I never had. and since day one when I got that *rush* I lost interest in everything but the needle..i could go on forever about my fascination..but I won bore you with that (i tend too annoy people cuz it's ALL I talk about)

I struggle with my addiction, I ain't perfect, but sometimes I realize it's bringin me closer to the grave and think maunder its worth out..

I Wana quit and get back to the way I was in rehab, all that confidence , self worth , and stuff you getwithoccasional use is exactly howi fellt sober in rehab..but meth driving now. i'm just along for the ride and this ride sucks I might just jump off. I feel like that i'm rottingh away, my life is stuck in the gray. im list lost and feel like I outta die. it's suicide letters all over again, I thought that I past it?

I just can't give up what i'm in love
I can't change what I am.
I maintain and continue to bang things.
I guess ima mess and I just can't shake it..

-KING
 
KING, you're wrong man. You can change. You can shake. But you're going to need help.

It's OK in life to need help, to ask. Get yourself to somewhere safe, a detox facility would be best.
They'll help you get through, as comfy as they can, the WDs.
Your body and mind are at odds, and your thinking isn't straight.
Your perception is messed up my friend.
There is light. There is hope.

I know you been to rehab before,
but now you know something new,
that you don't ever wanna be where you are again.
You now know that once you quit,
you cannot use, not even a little.

And please know this,
you can have a wonderful life in sobriety.
It's here for you.

Take those first steps man,
you are worth it.
You are lovable and you are loved.

All that darkness isn't the truth; it's not the truth about you.
It's just the truth about the lie,
the lie that drugs are ever the right answer to anything.

You can get well, and happy.
Make the decision, and then trudge that road.

You can do it.
You can.
You can.
You must.

love,
pnm
 
So many mistakes were made when that little boy was 6. Why did no grown ups encourage you to cry? why did they not see that no 6 year old should ever have to be "the man" for his grown up mama? Especially a traumatized 6 year old with a traumatized mama. Robotripping is so right that it wasn't really your Dad's fault and it certainly isn't yours. You had every right to feel angry and we don't offer any healthy models for that nor any tools for how to feel it and have it be a force of motivation rather than a destructive force.

I work with six year olds and it breaks my heart when I see what some of them have to deal with. There is nothing fair about life but I hope you know that there are also always multiple possibilities in regards to how to use what we are handed. No one gave you the support you needed back then but it doesn't mean that you cannot heal and change and move forward now.

Would it be possible to go into a detox program again? Many of them have anger management classes that can give you real tools to control how you have learned to express anger. You probably punish yourself a lot and one of the first things you could do is to accept that your feelings made, and make, perfect sense. Learning that you have choices in how you deal with those feelings is going to be so empowering.

I really hope that you can summon up the hope you need inside to get some help and get out of the nightmare you are living in. You don't deserve it. <3
 
podsnomo said:
KING, you're wrong man. You can change. You can shake. But you're going to need help.

It's OK in life to need help, to ask. Get yourself to somewhere safe, a detox facility would be best.
They'll help you get through, as comfy as they can, the WDs.
Your body and mind are at odds, and your thinking isn't straight.
Your perception is messed up my friend.
There is light. There is hope.

I know you been to rehab before,
but now you know something new,
that you don't ever wanna be where you are again.
You now know that once you quit,
you cannot use, not even a little.

And please know this,
you can have a wonderful life in sobriety.
It's here for you.
Click to expand...
i know, its okay to need help man, im just so ashamed/scared of my families reaction to this. i fear instead of open arms and love and support they'll look at me like a madman like "again?" ya know?
thats when my suicidal thoughtscome into play..i see my life like a never ending ferris wheel. up and down, up and dow, around and around i go. i think "why wont this damn thing stop? im getting sick again! FUCK IT IM JUMPIN!"

i guess its possible to beat addiction, i've seen it first hand. my momma was a crank head for years buying 3 balls at a time and she quit cold turkey, and although my addiction is to the needle not dope, i am terrified of the wd's ill experience..it's so much easier just to buy a sack. i been using intravenously daily for 3 or 4 maybe 5 months(my days and nights blend together, no track of time..) when im high im constantly looking up how to ease rthe wd's and make them easier, but im still so scared, and it leads me to the next high. and although i feel my self dying inside(literally) and i know its the dope killing me, i also know that another dose will make me feel all better. i know im blessed not to have completely lost it, and can still recognize what im doing is fucked up and wrong, but its like there another me in my head, or even the devil/angel on my shoulder thing. constatly fighing with myself, to myself, about myself, taking another shot. thats the hardest part, and it drives me fucking insane!

i used resposibly at one time, its not the dope im fascinated with PODSNOMO. as i would more prefer something to knock me out (rather than stay up,hallucinate,talk to myself, *window peep* with gun in hand, etc.) i hate that shit. but in my area H is nowhere to be found and the crystal is so easily accesible here in OK, i dont trust shooting pills, so i just wont. i shouldnt fucking trust shooting anything the way my arms look at this point, but i do what i do, and it is what it is.

the needle is warm when im cold, bright when im dark, happy when im sad, and the needle is willing to share all that with me..at a price. that fucking has stole my soul i dont think,eat, sleep, love, hate, the same anymore. the needle does that for me..everything i do is preperation for the next dose. maybe im losing it, and im probable off topic as fuck right now, but idk, it just feels good to get my thouights out,(i live a lonely life, no friends, and my only good communication is between me, myself, and i)

As for a wonderlife life in sobriety PODSNOMO, thats a harsh remeinder for me. i remeber the day i graduated from my rehab program, i felt so high(not like drug high you know what i mean) i even stood up in front of an auditorium of idk about 150 and gaver a speech, this is huge for me! i never done shit like that before ive always been withdrawn from the world, anti-social. but damnit i was proud of myself and i wanted them motherfuckers to know it!! lol i still remember the look in my momma eyes, my grandparent there cheering me on, my lil brother looked up to me (for once in his life) and now i cant look anyone in the eye. not even the ER receptionist lady last night..

and HERBAVORE im not leaving you hangin'
YES a detox program is an idea, and i'd like to. not sure if its financially possible though, i've burnt my bridges brother..
you opened my mind to some things i hadnt considered. i DO punish myself for shit i shouldnt be punished for, (and the things i should be punished for) and re-assurance that my feeling made and make sence is very reassuring.

im sorry if i got off my own topic here, idk what you wanna call it. *clean* *sober* or whatever you wanna call it im it for right now, (i think)...im sure the drugs still in my body, but i feel no effects and like i said theres 2 of me up there in my head. idk what im looking for here guys, b ut if you've struggled with addiction, depression, anxiety, social anxiety, or the needle and are traveling the road of recovery and/or have found solutions, maybe they can help me and i would love to hear any advice or even some of your stories..its nice to feel like im not alone in this twisted fucked up world. its funny, the only place i find humaninty still left on this earth is on a website full, addict/reecovering addics. i feel like im gonna beat this and get to be that man i was so proud of before, and i appreciate you taking the time to at least try and help, it means more than you know..


herbavore said:
I really hope that you can summon up the hope you need inside to get some help and get out of the nightmare you are living in. You don't deserve it. <3
Click to expand...

HERBAVORE slowly, but sure im getting to that point, i can see a pin-point spec of light at the end of the tunnel of darkness i wander. im not slowing down, and im not backing down. its to hard for me to give up anything. i just dont. my father gave up, and im not him. i aint gonna throw my life away, FUCK THAT! im looking into detox centers tomorow..
for now though, i going to sleep, my g ma hooked up a fat plate of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and toast( thought i was gonna have to throw it out like i usually do wjhen she aint looking) but holy shit after that first bite EVERYTHING was gone in no more that 3min..and now im exhausted.

thanks again HERBAVORE, PODSNOME, and ROBOT!
you just talking with and replying is saving my life. i got love for you guys and i dont even know what you look like. lol. God bless.

-KING 8(

p.s. i apologize for my horiblt writing skills, i prolly got off way off topic and scatterbrained..gonna have to deal with it though, lol i dont know no better.. 8(
 
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Bless your grandma for that delicious plate of food. That made me smile. And you could actually eat it--that must have felt good.

You sound like a fighter in a good way, too. I know that it has gotten you into trouble but it isn't all bad, right? Like you say, you aren't going down easy and you aren't giving up. That's an incredible advantage that some people would really envy when they just feel exhaustion and the desire to give up.

Let us know what you find out about detox. Hope you have a good sleep tonight on that stomach full of good food and love from your grandma.<3
 
Thank god you ate and I'm so fucking glad to hear some hope in your voice King. Lots of us hit the bottom multiple times before we get a solid time going in sobriety.

I know what you mean about feeling that shame. I didn't feel shame the first time I got sober, not much. But when I had to tell people I needed help AGAIN, that was the worst. But it just is what it is. Many addicts and alcoholics like me just go on to the bitter end, and die, without ever hoping for something better.

A couple of things you said showed some hope. That's all you need is a little hope. Keep that alive, seek some detox facilities, and know that when you come out that other side of detox you NEVER have to do this again. You'll need a plan and support. Luckily, in a weird kind of luck, there are tons of us, many of us who have been through the kind of hell you're experiencing now. And we're everywhere. And we help our own. For free. For the sake of love. And because we were freely given help when we needed it.

There is a LOT of love in this world. You're finding some here. This is the tip of the iceberg yo.

Keep us informed about detox, like herbavore said. And if you go somewhere that's gonna not let you get to the web for a while, please let us know so we won't worry something not-good happened.

I've got love for you too man. My particulars were different, but I know well the hell of which you speak. It needn't go on.

You're worth it. You're good. Seek the light.

podsnomo
 
m8 youre 19, im 26 and my life is fcuked up i have no job, no friends, no girl, im homeless, mentally ill and extremeley paranoid making it hard to talk to anyone let alone be part of society.
m8 think yourself lucky you have 7 years to clean yourself up by the time you hit my age, me on the other hand i got it bad.

but i can still change and so can you. be strong my friend.
 
here's and update:

so I tried to quit cold turkey. I went to my moms(she's an RN) she took good care of me and we talked a lot about things I been dealing with mentally and with my drig abuse..she was very understang and that was surprising. I never realized she went through so much when she did crank years ago..i had an idea, but nothing compared to what and admitted to just yesterday..

the comedown sucked but eating healthy and the sleep felt amazing, I felborn again.. but this feeling that was soon followed by crying spells I couldn't explain and a feeling of worthlessness..long Story sorry I couldn't handle the psychological beating of not having that temporary, numbness, blurry vision, and bogus happiness..

so here I am, high again, beating myself up, and frantically looking for an answer. a permanant. fix. before I lose it. psychological addiction is proving to be to much, im fighting but losing, running uphill with the wind to my face.. i'm completely losing it I fear my mind is to far gone for saving.. I have a shadow kitty as a pet..i know i'm losing my mind, psychosis has set in. I don know myself anymore..i don't even remember most these posts. a fucking shadow kitty?!?! wtf?

tkitty never leaves my side and the dope never leaves my mind...while the world around makes me hurt the dope maker everything okay..

help?!
 
You gotta get to a safe facility with professionals where you can face your physical kick and be in a safe environment while you go through the TEMPORARY insanity of the psychological withdrawals.

You are honest enough with yourself right now to know you have no power over the needle. Whether or not a 12 step program ends up working for you one day, right now you need a power greater than yourself to save you from yourself. And that power should be a detox/rehab/treatment facility preferably with locked doors, staffed by people who know how to handle these things.

Your mind only FEELS too far gone for saving. It is not. Many have come back from your depth of troubles and worse. It does not have to be this way.

But what has happened has clearly shown one thing: that you can't do this alone, and even the help of your mom, who is an RN, is not enough to see you through.

Meth by needle is SOOO fucking powerful. And it warps your reality, turns it into fake reality. This experience you're having is real, but it is NOT reality.

Get thee to a professionally staffed place immediately. Just go to an ER. Tell them you're suicidal if it greases the wheels and gets you somewhere safe and into medical detox faster. Once detoxed, then you can set about the arduous, but AWESOME journey of learning to live life. You gotta learn things new. But don't worry about that now. Just keep it stowed away in your mind that you are prepared for the journey, the tough road, that is early sobriety. The very earliest parts of being clean are the hardest.

YOU CAN DO IT. With help. And you need pros dude. Drugs like the one that's eating your lunch do this to people. Treatment is available. Avail yourself of it. Fucking pronto. Right now. Get your phone, and phone, and make some calls. If that doesn't work, go to the nearest ER, tell them what's up and that you are afraid you might hurt someone else or yourself. Fuck sake mate! Your next shot could wind up killing you! GO. NOW. DO IT.

deadly seriously,
podsnomo
 
kingtweaker, I know that the desire to avoid the psychological "beating" seems to make sense on the surface--who wouldn't want to escape that nightmare?--but in fact I think that going through it with a slight change in perception about it might actually be beneficial. As Pods says, it is temporary. That is the first thing to remember. I think an apt analogy is a fever. Our bodies naturally raise temperature to fight off an infection or virus. We rush to take something to bring down the fever because it is uncomfortable to go through. In that way, we often prolong the discomfort for ourselves because we are taking away our body's natural fighting mechanism. In this case, the natural mechanism of the mind is to feel profoundly and deeply all that you might want to avoid like sadness or anger or fear. Those unexplained tears are therapeutic and healing. You don't need to analyze them really or even understand them as anything other than your mind experiencing deep emotion. Drugs mask, alter or obliterate emotions. Reentering that world of feeling can be scary at first but it is where your strength as a human being actually lies.

Pods is also right on about what is at stake: your life. You have people who care for you very deeply and that is an advantage for you. Let your mom know how scared you are. Hopefully she can help you find a good place to go through this. Don't think you have to do it all on your own. And whatever else you do, don't beat yourself up for caving in. See that as a part of this process. Good luck and let us know what is going on, OK? We are all here for you whether you are using or not.<3
 
herbavore said:
kingtweaker, I know that the desire to avoid the psychological "beating" seems to make sense on the surface--who wouldn't want to escape that nightmare?--but in fact I think that going through it with a slight change in perception about it might actually be beneficial. As Pods says, it is temporary. That is the first thing to remember. I think an apt analogy is a fever. Our bodies naturally raise temperature to fight off an infection or virus. We rush to take something to bring down the fever because it is uncomfortable to go through. In that way, we often prolong the discomfort for ourselves because we are taking away our body's natural fighting mechanism. In this case, the natural mechanism of the mind is to feel profoundly and deeply all that you might want to avoid like sadness or anger or fear. Those unexplained tears are therapeutic and healing. You don't need to analyze them really or even understand them as anything other than your mind experiencing deep emotion. Drugs mask, alter or obliterate emotions. Reentering that world of feeling can be scary at first but it is where your strength as a human being actually lies.

Pods is also right on about what is at stake: your life. You have people who care for you very deeply and that is an advantage for you. Let your mom know how scared you are. Hopefully she can help you find a good place to go through this. Don't think you have to do it all on your own. And whatever else you do, don't beat yourself up for caving in. See that as a part of this process. Good luck and let us know what is going on, OK? We are all here for you whether you are using or not.<3
Click to expand...

QFT. (Quoted for Truth!) I don't even know you, but I got mad love for you. And I admire your honesty and that you are looking for help. Keep your hope alive, even be it the tiniest shred. That's all it takes.

Let us know. Like herbavore said, we are here for you no matter what. <3 <3 <3
 
I'm glad your mom and grandmother are there for you. Keep talking to your mom since she cares for you and has been where you are right now with the crystal. I would enter into a treatment place/rehab and get serious about getting sober since this is what you want. Good luck.
 
KING,

You there man? You OK? You'll never be judged here man. Let us know how you are.

Thinking of you man,
pods
 
havent gone...worse than ever...i appreciate the support..i havent cried like this.. well evver... and i know you guys want to help. and im not being a synical prick or asshoole by saying this...but might as well give up on me...ill always be a junkie. i cant help myself...

i got some half wyz good news,,,i gotta job in construction doing electrical agin!!! stattying oay 20/hour! hopefully it lasts....il have to be hiugh to get by... but i did take a lethal dose of xa tonight to kill myslef but i believe ill survuive they aint found a drug to kill me yet,,,lol < not funny but i gott alaugh azt myself or id be dead...

man i dont liike this cryin shit im off her for awhuikle....
love yall to death (literally)

_king :(
 
Wow King :(

Just know that the shit you feel when coming off it is VERY temporary and it will not take long before you can function in life without the drugs. You will find happiness in things other than meth (which doesn't seem to make you happy, anyway). I've gone through a few addictions myself, including amphetamine (never done meth) and it really does suck. You have to be strong for you and your families sake and stay away from the drugs.

You don't have to get high to get by.. It will suck at first but you may even find being at work will help you keep your mind off of the withdrawal..

Dude.. you are 19 years old! You have a whole life a head of you. New experiences, new loves, new friends, new family? You have to give yourself a chance. You have to help yourself. You are only a depressed addict for as long as you allow yourself to be. You still have time to change. You still have the opportunity to better your life.

You should check yourself into rehab.. you said yourself you want to feel like you did back then. Cut off all contact with everyone and anyone to do with meth.

Much love to you <3

You can do it King.
 
^TRUTH.

Just check into a rehab man. This is your life.

You were right about one thing, sort of. You can't help yourself, at least not to get and stay clean. You need help.
The one awesome gift you can give yourself is to check into rehab. Just fucking go, OK?
It's like there's a winning lottery ticket in life, the door to it is rehab, and you're wandering around with it in your pocket denying it exists.

Get help.

much love,
pods
 
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