indybreaker
Bluelighter
hey guys. If you dont know me im Indy , was great friends of matt (splatt) for about 8 years. I wouldnt ever think i would post in here but here I go....
So my girl of 4 years (we are madly in love) we got pregnant after 3 years of trying.....we have had 2 miscarriages already but they were when we didnt even know we were pregnant. Now the recent time we fell pregnant we were so happy. Financially things are great. Our relationship is strong. My Parents accepted it (old school upbringing/religous) so things were great......Long story short good things come to an end and we had to go to hospital coz my girl started bleeding. Doc said be prepared for a miscarriaged. next day I was with my girl all day preparing for the worst (i was so indenial that nething was wrong) then a scream 'i can feel it coming out' I race to the bathroom whre she is. I tell her to look straight up and not look downstairs. and in my hands my 11 week old baby fell into my arms. My little angel had forming hands . legs, and a soul (thats hard for me to say because i am no way into spiritual shit but i respect people that are ). My girl broke down, i went into some sort of state and put my 'baby'into a box, all blooded and deformed......I froze. I physicallly held my gf for hours. she was stronger then me, constantly asking if im ok. It was like i was in a colma , i could here her, but i couldnt respond......all i could see was that image of my baby girl (sex wasnt known yet but i knew it was a girl) in the cup of my hands as if she was in a warzone. my baby 'poppy'.......Its been a hard road. I have now been put on anti depressents (efexor 150mg) and sadly just ran out of my valium (50mg in one hit) this isnt a dangerous amount for me i am a big low bf% 90kg male. i cant get anymore valium , the xanax they gave me didnt help ( i was eating 7 mg at once and nothing). ive now eaten the last of my valium (25mg) and am drinking straight vodka ( im a MD- master distiller at a distillery and produce alchohol for a living- have never drunk on the job- until now).
(sorry forgot to paragraph)- the thing is , im not sure why i told you guys. Ill say what i said to my gp/councellor. theres nothing that can be said to me. What ive seen has been seen, what i feel is what i feel. I have lost the path of what my future was to lead. I was brought up 10 years prior as a global touring DJ( im not looking for an ego boost- most just to tell you the lifestyle change) and the best track I would ever feel or here would be my baby to speak.- sounds stupid i know, but trying to get this off my cheast.
there will be people that will tell me get off the benzos, dont drink. etc etc.....ive recently started doing CWE and ordered DXM which is something i thought i would never do (not as a dirty thing to think moreso just was focussed on healthy living for a change after many years of drug abuse). now im doing CWE 3-4 times a week. hiding it from my gf , freaking out that ive run out of valium and generally not knowing what to do.....I dont have a session for my first pysciatrist till sept 21 so Im not sure what to do.
Like i said theres nothing that can be said, im just trying so hard to get the image of my dead baby (that ive now buried at my garden and plan on planting poppies as that was to be her name) . I see ads on TVs of babys, babys down the street. I dont get angry or abuse anyone. I just want my baby back.
I still cant believe that ive posted this on here as the username may be known to a few Brisbane folk, so if you know who I am in Brizzy please have the respect to keep this to BL.
Thankyou and ive always respected and appreciated such a site. some may think its all about dirty junkies bla bla but I am a person that shuts themselve from the world when its tough, and typing out my thoughts to people that I trust , even though i Have know idea who you are means alot. Respect to all that are associated to BL, moderators, users, and guests.
Indy
So my girl of 4 years (we are madly in love) we got pregnant after 3 years of trying.....we have had 2 miscarriages already but they were when we didnt even know we were pregnant. Now the recent time we fell pregnant we were so happy. Financially things are great. Our relationship is strong. My Parents accepted it (old school upbringing/religous) so things were great......Long story short good things come to an end and we had to go to hospital coz my girl started bleeding. Doc said be prepared for a miscarriaged. next day I was with my girl all day preparing for the worst (i was so indenial that nething was wrong) then a scream 'i can feel it coming out' I race to the bathroom whre she is. I tell her to look straight up and not look downstairs. and in my hands my 11 week old baby fell into my arms. My little angel had forming hands . legs, and a soul (thats hard for me to say because i am no way into spiritual shit but i respect people that are ). My girl broke down, i went into some sort of state and put my 'baby'into a box, all blooded and deformed......I froze. I physicallly held my gf for hours. she was stronger then me, constantly asking if im ok. It was like i was in a colma , i could here her, but i couldnt respond......all i could see was that image of my baby girl (sex wasnt known yet but i knew it was a girl) in the cup of my hands as if she was in a warzone. my baby 'poppy'.......Its been a hard road. I have now been put on anti depressents (efexor 150mg) and sadly just ran out of my valium (50mg in one hit) this isnt a dangerous amount for me i am a big low bf% 90kg male. i cant get anymore valium , the xanax they gave me didnt help ( i was eating 7 mg at once and nothing). ive now eaten the last of my valium (25mg) and am drinking straight vodka ( im a MD- master distiller at a distillery and produce alchohol for a living- have never drunk on the job- until now).
(sorry forgot to paragraph)- the thing is , im not sure why i told you guys. Ill say what i said to my gp/councellor. theres nothing that can be said to me. What ive seen has been seen, what i feel is what i feel. I have lost the path of what my future was to lead. I was brought up 10 years prior as a global touring DJ( im not looking for an ego boost- most just to tell you the lifestyle change) and the best track I would ever feel or here would be my baby to speak.- sounds stupid i know, but trying to get this off my cheast.
there will be people that will tell me get off the benzos, dont drink. etc etc.....ive recently started doing CWE and ordered DXM which is something i thought i would never do (not as a dirty thing to think moreso just was focussed on healthy living for a change after many years of drug abuse). now im doing CWE 3-4 times a week. hiding it from my gf , freaking out that ive run out of valium and generally not knowing what to do.....I dont have a session for my first pysciatrist till sept 21 so Im not sure what to do.
Like i said theres nothing that can be said, im just trying so hard to get the image of my dead baby (that ive now buried at my garden and plan on planting poppies as that was to be her name) . I see ads on TVs of babys, babys down the street. I dont get angry or abuse anyone. I just want my baby back.
I still cant believe that ive posted this on here as the username may be known to a few Brisbane folk, so if you know who I am in Brizzy please have the respect to keep this to BL.
Thankyou and ive always respected and appreciated such a site. some may think its all about dirty junkies bla bla but I am a person that shuts themselve from the world when its tough, and typing out my thoughts to people that I trust , even though i Have know idea who you are means alot. Respect to all that are associated to BL, moderators, users, and guests.
Indy
