ruledbydirt
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2012
- Messages
- 5
Hey, I want to bring up what I feel is a pretty serious topic, one that will probably lead to controversy but I really want to read everyone's own life experiences on this and weigh them out. I'm in a moment of profound confusion on this matter and some open discussion about this I hope will clarify things.
The first time that I had a trip that I considered to be "ego dissolving" was when I was 17 (six years ago). It was mushrooms, and it was truly a paradigm-shattering moment of understanding that the fantasies that I once felt gave my life purpose were entirely false, that the patterns and cycles life take exist in everything and because of this nothing is unique. I continued using mushrooms to arrive at understandings common to the fungus and that I chose to live my life by. Such as, everything on this planet is part of a greater body, that each one of us are like cells in a body, but human beings went insane and began to believe their own existence is more important than the existence of the planet that contains us. Just like how cancer cells begin to act; they forget they're cells in a body and begin living for their own sake, becoming a fatal disease in that body, killing the reason they're alive in the first place. This is the disease of ego, the cancer on the planet earth embodied through the human species, the cancer cells. I continued on this path to try to heal through psychedelics, continuing to take larger doses to the point where I had experiences where I thought I had died, temporarily killing the physical ego.
Having these new understandings on board made me feel very alienated from everyone, as this is also common in others who take this path. The illusions that people distract themselves with became so flagrantly obvious to me, and also so disgusting to me, that I began to withdraw from everyone who I felt lived enmeshed in every abstraction that nourish their petty selves (which really was almost everyone to me). I found others that I felt were like-minded to me and made what I felt were very important friends. I even befriended others who were far more experienced in their path to the point where it seemed like they were becoming healers themselves. Some I really, really looked up to, hoping to be like some day.
I also became very dependent on cannabis to keep my consciousness at a sub-psychedelic level to avoid slipping into superficial modes of thinking. My isolation incubated intense inexpressible emotions in me that I tried to exorcise through making music. My path seemed to be all that mattered. Sometimes depression would make me slip into self-destructive attitudes, then I would pick myself up, or perceive that I was picking my up, to become all the more dedicated to "my path" to keep it from happening again.
Then life started getting strange. The individuals who I thought were such important friends started abandoning me and treating me with disregard. I started to notice very disturbing self-important behaviors in those I looked up to. The psychedelic culture that seemed like a promising possibility of gathering like-minds started to seem so convinced they were "the beautiful people" that they were excluding everyone outside their circle. The ones i so desperately wanted to talk to about how I'm feeling started to seem like they only wanted to talk about themselves, and cut me off when I was getting anywhere that I felt was honest as if they're deliberately trying to stop me from speaking, as if they were perceiving I was entering a negative thought loop or something. I got stuck living with my parents and my brother who I thought for so long weren't my "real family" and that I just had to pretend to get along with them because of the illusion that connects us. Then my drive became hyperfocused on working to make money to move out. By then, I had no friends to even move out with. I have become the very definition of the egocentric, feeling separate from everyone and everything, driven by the most selfish desires.
last night I was thrown into such a violent weeping fit that the only thing that could stop me was going outside and sleeping in the woods. Today the truth that I have been an obsessive egocentric all along seems absolutely undeniable. My mom even tried to tell me this last year. It was a moment when I thought I was dangerous and I asked her to hospitalize me. She sat me down to tell me that my whole life I've always needed complete control and that I've always responded aggressively towards both others and myself when my control is threatened. At the time it seemed absolutely absurd to me, since my life path seemed to be dedicated to relinquishing control. But she was right.
My last trip was a few months ago and it was a 6-hour marathon of regret and self-hate. I feel irredeemable. I'd rather be dead than be toxic to the planet, the reason I'm alive. But suicide would be the ultimate egocentric option, wouldn't it? This post even looks like nothing but an egocentric confessional, apparently that's how I communicate, even though my intention is to introduce the possibility that the 'psychedelic path' is truly just a trap that distorts and inflates our egos rather than dissolves them. However, I do sincerely want to know what your experiences have been struggling with ego in the 'psychedelic path'. I'm not asking for advice on my situation; this thread is NOT about how to make me better. I'm asking for your experience on this particular issue. I'm asking for your confessional. Because there's something severely fucked up going on in the psychedelic community it seems, and we need start talking about it. Perhaps Gaia is testing us by presenting us with a very complex riddle in the vision plants she has offered us by imbuing them with the ability to worsen the disease they once seemed to be medicine for.
The first time that I had a trip that I considered to be "ego dissolving" was when I was 17 (six years ago). It was mushrooms, and it was truly a paradigm-shattering moment of understanding that the fantasies that I once felt gave my life purpose were entirely false, that the patterns and cycles life take exist in everything and because of this nothing is unique. I continued using mushrooms to arrive at understandings common to the fungus and that I chose to live my life by. Such as, everything on this planet is part of a greater body, that each one of us are like cells in a body, but human beings went insane and began to believe their own existence is more important than the existence of the planet that contains us. Just like how cancer cells begin to act; they forget they're cells in a body and begin living for their own sake, becoming a fatal disease in that body, killing the reason they're alive in the first place. This is the disease of ego, the cancer on the planet earth embodied through the human species, the cancer cells. I continued on this path to try to heal through psychedelics, continuing to take larger doses to the point where I had experiences where I thought I had died, temporarily killing the physical ego.
Having these new understandings on board made me feel very alienated from everyone, as this is also common in others who take this path. The illusions that people distract themselves with became so flagrantly obvious to me, and also so disgusting to me, that I began to withdraw from everyone who I felt lived enmeshed in every abstraction that nourish their petty selves (which really was almost everyone to me). I found others that I felt were like-minded to me and made what I felt were very important friends. I even befriended others who were far more experienced in their path to the point where it seemed like they were becoming healers themselves. Some I really, really looked up to, hoping to be like some day.
I also became very dependent on cannabis to keep my consciousness at a sub-psychedelic level to avoid slipping into superficial modes of thinking. My isolation incubated intense inexpressible emotions in me that I tried to exorcise through making music. My path seemed to be all that mattered. Sometimes depression would make me slip into self-destructive attitudes, then I would pick myself up, or perceive that I was picking my up, to become all the more dedicated to "my path" to keep it from happening again.
Then life started getting strange. The individuals who I thought were such important friends started abandoning me and treating me with disregard. I started to notice very disturbing self-important behaviors in those I looked up to. The psychedelic culture that seemed like a promising possibility of gathering like-minds started to seem so convinced they were "the beautiful people" that they were excluding everyone outside their circle. The ones i so desperately wanted to talk to about how I'm feeling started to seem like they only wanted to talk about themselves, and cut me off when I was getting anywhere that I felt was honest as if they're deliberately trying to stop me from speaking, as if they were perceiving I was entering a negative thought loop or something. I got stuck living with my parents and my brother who I thought for so long weren't my "real family" and that I just had to pretend to get along with them because of the illusion that connects us. Then my drive became hyperfocused on working to make money to move out. By then, I had no friends to even move out with. I have become the very definition of the egocentric, feeling separate from everyone and everything, driven by the most selfish desires.
last night I was thrown into such a violent weeping fit that the only thing that could stop me was going outside and sleeping in the woods. Today the truth that I have been an obsessive egocentric all along seems absolutely undeniable. My mom even tried to tell me this last year. It was a moment when I thought I was dangerous and I asked her to hospitalize me. She sat me down to tell me that my whole life I've always needed complete control and that I've always responded aggressively towards both others and myself when my control is threatened. At the time it seemed absolutely absurd to me, since my life path seemed to be dedicated to relinquishing control. But she was right.
My last trip was a few months ago and it was a 6-hour marathon of regret and self-hate. I feel irredeemable. I'd rather be dead than be toxic to the planet, the reason I'm alive. But suicide would be the ultimate egocentric option, wouldn't it? This post even looks like nothing but an egocentric confessional, apparently that's how I communicate, even though my intention is to introduce the possibility that the 'psychedelic path' is truly just a trap that distorts and inflates our egos rather than dissolves them. However, I do sincerely want to know what your experiences have been struggling with ego in the 'psychedelic path'. I'm not asking for advice on my situation; this thread is NOT about how to make me better. I'm asking for your experience on this particular issue. I'm asking for your confessional. Because there's something severely fucked up going on in the psychedelic community it seems, and we need start talking about it. Perhaps Gaia is testing us by presenting us with a very complex riddle in the vision plants she has offered us by imbuing them with the ability to worsen the disease they once seemed to be medicine for.
