I can relate to a lot of what you feel, that was most of my young life. I am sorry you hurt so much, but allow me, with the privelege of my advanced age, to give you some advice.
You cannot wait for someone to "fix" you or give you confidence...that is too great a burden to place upon another human being. Enough to make a lot of people run away. If you approach a relationship looking for this, it will fail in the end everytime, regardless of how giving, loving, smart, perfect, etc. the other person is. If the relationship that you had truly gave you hope and confidence, then the other person would not have been able to take those things away from you when she left.
I wasted a LOT of years in destructive, unhealthy, and unproductive relationships. I know.
I always hated the saying "If you don't love yourself, you can't love someone else." but the older I get, the more I realize that it is true. At least I know that if you aren't happy alone, you won't be happy with anyone else.
I believe strongly that meds, therapy, and just plain old life experience can help you break out of all your negative thinking. But you have to accept that YOU are the only one who can really help yourself.
As for suicide...I can offer no good reason not to. I can just tell you that, despite all the pain and suffering, I am damned sure glad I didn't do it.
Things can change, not just for the worst, in a minute. It is worth sticking around to see what happens next.
I hope the best for you,
Peace,
C.
Of course. I mean, who wants to be with a miserable git who just complains and is sad all the time, and that you can't have fun with because he's always depressed over something. A lot of friends have left me because, quote: "it was too much misery, too much lament, too much" The great irony is that I'm sad because people leave me, and they leave me because I'm sad. Whenever I, or the few times, I establish a relationship with someone, I'm immediately suspicious, cautious, knowing it might end any time. So I don't allow myself to take it for granted, refusing to be "fooled" again into thinking this will last. Would the stay more if I was happy-go-lucky? Maybe. But the pattern is set in my brain. I know they will leave, and I know, too well, the pain and humiliation of being happy over something that was, in the end, nothing. Ashamed over thinking she would _ever actually take the relationship seriously.
I feel that, a deep shame, in thinking that She would actually ever stay. I look back and I feel a burn in that I was stupid enough that I could ever be enough for her. That I was fooled into thinking I was good enough, when my entire life I've been told I'm worthless. By the time I finally started relaxing, by the time I started thinking She was it, that she really loved me, I let my guard down and she left.
So, it's no big mystery. I get fooled time and time again. Having someone love you so insanely, when you've spent so much time alone and lonely, and then having that person leave the moment you reveal yourself truly... it's a pain and experience that cannot help but put a mark on you. It makes concrete what was before a sneaking suspicion, it confirms the nightmare. _You can't trust anyone_ They WILL leave, they will leave you behind to die. "I'm glad you got away, but I'm still stuck out here." When she left, with that e-mail, I never saw her again. She knew I was unstable, that's why she left, but how could she just leave me behind like that? She knew I was fragile, afraid and had no confidence, she knew she was everything to me. And still, one day true love, the next: You're on your own, kiddo. She knew her leaving would tear me apart. And yet she did it. Without even thinking: I should help him through this, make sure he stays alive, and lessen the trauma for the next one. But she didnt. She cared so deeply, so much emotion, and then: Nothing. I could have committed suicide, I could have done harm to myself or others. She didnt care anymore. Who can you stop caring? I mean, OK, you stop loving, but not loving someone anymore doesnt mean you couldn't care less if that person lived or died.... Was it guilt? Was she aware that she had done something horrible, leave me alone with _no_ friends or support, but unable to deal with it? She knew what she did, but instead of facing it she ran away... I've spoken with her briefly, and she does feel guilt. And I want her to. I want the guilt to destroy her. I'm sorry. She destroyed, possibly, my entire life. I will never recover. She knows.
True, you shouldnt ask a partner to fix you, or look for a nurse rather than a partner. But how can you not? Love is the perfect medicine: Confidence, purpose, reason. Most people feel better when they find their partner. They can pretend its incidental, but its now. And when you are SO broken, so afraid, to destroyed by people, how can you not want someone to make it alright? You know it has in the past. I need someone who truly loves, without leaving, without rejecting. THEN, if that last for a long period of time, then, maybe, I can trust people and start loving and not thinking of how that person is affecting me, or how they are curing me. My pain stems from the rejection, the deceit, the cure, simple: someone who doesnt.
I dont see the logic in how a person can give confidence but not take it away. She believed in me therefore I did; When she did not, I didn't. She believed I was special, important and worthy. Then she stopped thinking that, therefore I must have stopped being it.
It's simple, be it writing or anything creative or just being a human, if someone is there to tell me I'm good at it, encourage me, then I excel, I prosper, I do good. With noone there to remind me, tell me, convince me, I start to doubt, and falter. Sure, that means I have no internal authority, and need external authority regarding my quality, but how can I not? How can I not when what remains is all the times I was told I was worthless? When people stop congratulating you it usually means they are no longer proud, no longer impressed.
And most people base their confidence in others. In their family, friends, partners. Actors, painters, writers, producers, they do what people like so that people will like them. Same with people, it's seeking comfort and avoiding pain: We do what we know will make people like us. We increase what is well-received and decrease what is not.
Bottom line: I've never had long-lasting friends, so I don't have what most people have, I don't have someone around to encourage me, support me in crisis, remind me who I am and what. So when I fall I fall alone and hard, no one to pick me up. And success means nothing because noone is around to see it, to share it with.
Life is NOTHING if not shared.
I AM the only one who can save myself, but in order to do that, I need to believe in myself, and to do that, I need confirmation externally. My parents never gave me this, thus the dysthymia. No support, to praise, just pointing out when I screw up and focusing on the negative.
I am tired of sounding like a drama queen though. I really should just get it over with and kill myself. THEN they would know, then they would understand what they did, or failed to do.
"I never could quite make it. These feelings are too much for me"
