bijo
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2006
- Messages
- 170
here is a email i just wrote to my ex wife. everything was good for 7 years. she stuck through my meth, crack AND heroin addiction. everything was good i really changed my whole personality and was clean for 4 years. became a whole new person. we lived the coziest most loving life ever. we couldn't bare hours without each other. honestly, ideal couple shit. i know how to read her so everything was truly good until i asked her father for her hand in marriage.. and suddenly within a few WEEKS she tells me i have no motivation or drive to be financially dependant or that i need to grow up. that ive been too comfortable with the reversed roles. which is true.
she loves her career.. shes addicted to her career.. the roles were reversed.. and she loved it. she loved me at home, always accessible and taking care of our pets / home. she expressed her LOVE and HAPPINESS so many times, and it was genuine. that wasn't a problem ever.
suddenly this THUNDERSTORM hits me.. shes talking about seperation. i put all my cards into this marriage so now i'm left ASSFUCKED.. had to move to my home country overseas with my parents .. fucking lost my entire life within a matter of 2 -3 WEEKS
so after relapsing on meth i wrote this email .. i just feel the need to share it with u all. been clean for a while now but i'm back on the fucking lame meth that actually has me feeling quite euphoric at the moment.. but its all gonna hurt later.
i hate this shit. i know this email wont do shit .. just make me feel lousy later for unloading without filtering .. u know that filter we have sober, well .. tweaked out .. there is no filter.
so tell me what u think of my email to my ex wife:
----
jen,
long email, maybe more convenient to read this on your train ride home, or at home with a good drink and cig.
here goes……………….
maybe i didn't stimulate your senses enough, no excitement, mundane, boring. i knew it all along.. sex for sure wasn't there like it used to be. sex is vital. not everything, but important. needs to be there. not even the act of sex .. i neglected you physically.. i didn't kiss you the way i used to. didn't touch you the same. if i did, that could have compensated for my personality flaws. but i had my reasons. partly the ugly dirty associations with sex and drugs. especially what went on with METH. also partly because i'm on testosterone lowering medicine. partly .. or mostly because of my insecurity. insecurity that made me weak, and pathetic. i need to get over that bullshit. thinking i'm ugly and not good enough. that is always in my head. that exhausted you.
my rational? she loves me unconditionally. so thinking that you love me unconditionally enabled me to keep acting like a turd.
what bothers me the most is .. no advance notice. the sudden punch, a huge BRICK abruptly hitting me in the face screaming "YOU'RE A FUCKING DEFECTIVE LOSER". it wasn't gradual .. it was so fucking sudden.
ok… i needed it. everyone knows i need IT. need to change.
i always knew i need to change. but when i was accepted and embraced by you .. it wasn't urgent. or it didn't matter yet.
i still don't think i'm in such bad shape. given the circumstances:
my mom, the way she is.. pill popping, detached, non-existant growing up
my dad, you know how he sees me. ill never make the man proud. never. stereotypical scenario of son always trying to get validation and approval from cold wealthy father. would give an arm to hear my father say the words .. i'm proud of ....
lots of fucking drugs
more drugs
meth, crack, h.. iv meth, iv h, and iv coke..
no school or structure ever, dropped out before highschool
moved too much as a kid .. 6 countries before age 13
wrong crowd of friends, criminals and bad influences
trauma from crazy experiences that resulted from wrong crowds
all kinds of guilt that SHREDS my inner core
insomnia
on a bunch of mood altering pills.. antidepressants galore, and the benzos
ridiculous insecurity, major depression, social anxiety, ADHD, a bunch of other neuro / psycho label bullshits, crybaby syndrome
blah blah and blah
and a bunch of other first world problems that pale in comparison to a joe shmoe working 3 jobs barely able to pay rent or feed himself. or a family in africa that lives on 70 cents a day.
but for some fucking reason, my issues still have managed to shape me into who i am right now. and i'm in genuine pain.
so i have some legitimate "excuses" that i can hide behind. i can rationalize all my flaws, and make excuses left and right.
you feel bad for me, a kind of pity. but your exhausted from these excuses. the exhaustion from the excuses OVERWRITES EVERYTHING. who needs the drama? who needs the dysfunctional bullshit that comes from being my wife? my mother unleashed her venom directly into your face. i know how that infuriated you. i apologized on her behalf. but that doesn't work. back then i put you through hell .. with my addiction. put you in 30k usd debt. exposed you to ugliness and filth. i'm responsible for your older friends writing you off.
i was out of control, and you didn't run away like you should have.
despite my wild and despicable ways, back then you were actually physically and emotionally attracted to me. infactuated with me, intoxicated with me, etc.. defying logic and common sense, right? i was different. but you wanted me .. the drug addicted, wild, tatted up wannabe thug infatuated with crime. hard on the outside, soft inside, etc the farthest thing from normal. you wanted me, you were in love.
ok now fast forward to today. i'm "fixed"
i have been clean for years. i have lost all those vile vices, aspiring to blend in with the "normal", "regular" shades of life.
i lost the obnoxious, loathsome "fuck the world" attitude, replacing that with a desire to be the gentler, considerate, courteous type of guy.
i lost all these scandalous ways, all that vicious cycle of self destruction just gone.
beyond not cheating on you, i have been faithful MENTALLY. which is the most potent purest form of monogamy. that means zero flirting .. zero lust for other women. no wandering eyes. pure devotion to you and only you.
what else improved? my ego finally deflated, allowing me to accept normalcy. what defines normal (to me)? adopting a new outlook on what is bad (wrong), and what is good (right).
causing harm to my body and loved ones feelings, being a lousy neighbor, a selfish son, a cheating boyfriend, associating with nogooders, denying G-d into my soul, all that has changed, right?
HOWEVER the check list of LIFE still had insanely important goals PENDING like career, financial independence, and of course the smaller but still hugely important things like going out with your friends when i'm invited, going out more with you, etc..
so i managed to fix so much about me.. leaping over monstrous hurdles. obstacles. Miracle?? against the odds, debunking the myths that what i did was impossible. to beat the addiction and overcome the fragmented, destructive lifestyle that accompanied it. so much SHIT i managed to defeat and overcome.
but i didn't get to those extremely important goals like career, financial independence, etc, etc YET. yet.
you could not wait any longer. that really is such a shame.
what stings me the most is .. we had a genuinely good thing between us. text book / encyclopedia definition of "loving couple". no bickering, no jealousy issues, no lack of communication, no silly games. we were best friends beyond all that. same sense of humor, same lingo, we completed each other intellectually as well. trusted each other. our parents ADORED each of us. on a personality level we balanced each other out. no where close to perfect, but somewhere close to "almost perfect".
so when it's so compatible .. that means it was VALUABLE. which means it's worth cherishing. HOLDING ON TO.
it's worth it to hold on to something so cherished and valuable, right? but you trashed this valuable, cherished thing called true love, that we definitely had. i would be a good father, and good husband. you know that!
what EATS me the most is there was no attempt to TRY to make it work / fix / amend / maintain. no attempt.
if you did all this for an affair, meaning you met someone before we separated.. that would be easier to swallow than what happened with this absurd shit.
talk is cheap.. so i figure this email could be interpreted as ramblings / verbal diarrhea. the hazy delusion or illusion of my words somehow changing your mind about our separation.. doesn't exist. you'll probably be either skimming this email on your bb at work or reading this at home with a few beers in you, feeling warm and conveniently apathetic or indifferent to what you might interpret as self-absorbed whining.
a few beers can completely ERASE any nuisances that creeps into your psyche, OBLITERATE any nagging thoughts, and just straight up KILL any type of hindrances that come your way. the beautiful power of alcohol.
a lonely night? .. no worries. while some people depend on their husband or a cuddly teddy bear to help them fall asleep.. alcohol can REPLACE that uncool teddy bear, that irksome husband or even that scraggly pet you used to look forward to cuddling with. alcohol will put you into a warm, cozy slumber. so who needs the dog, husband or teddy bear, AH?
but you sure have discipline and STRENGTH. you are unbelievable, dropping 9 beers a night into your scrawny frame .. nightly for YEARS .. yet you're not only surviving at work, but actually thriving .. you're recognized for your commitment to always fill the bill. you are always ON and ready to please your peers at work. which is unbelievable considering the years of alcohol abuse!
i cant judge from where i stood, or stand .. but i'll continue saying alcohol is rotting your soul and brain.. especially your judgement. obviously your health / body. so stop that shit.. whether you are with me or without me. it's not OK. it is slowly destroying your brain .. literally ravaging your perfect brain as the years pass by .. no matter how you sugarcoat it, or rationalize it .. it still is harming you whether it happens now or years ahead, the alcohol will catch up with you.. "everyone does it" is your slogan that makes everything OK. not everyone does it. only a small percentage of this world drinks daily. but the mantra continues in your head: all my "friends do it."
your friends...........
i'm GUESSING you leaked all the bad, crummy, TRAUMATIZING stories about our life to them about our past .. likely bringing forth their pity for you, and their HATRED for me. why didn't they reply to my heartfelt email? i reached within my soul to express my feelings to them, and they just ignored it. ……….. thats not fair. so obviously they're validating your decision to end our relationship.
misery loves company.
samantha especially.. her whole "cool" blasé personality with her "realness" and indifference to anyone .. her bullshit hipster "individualist" persona has really made an impression on you from the beginning. rubbing off on you, your character, your tone of voice, your speaking, your temperament, your attitude, your appearance even, all has been affected and altered throughout these years since samantha crawled into your life. not trying to belittle or insult you..
we all change, right? its inevitable .. our personalities all transform as we blossom .. but i think its important to know WHO or what influenced or prompted these changes. you really admire her .. and shes a lonely, bitter, 35 year old with no meaningful relationships under her belt.
so you might see her, all content and fulfilled, being single .. you think that's real?
back to unconditional love.. that means no matter how fucked up a situation is .. you were supposed to accept it. unconditionally. flaws and all. you should have expressed your aggravations with me, which i would have accepted and embraced so i could evolve to become better. i would have completely REMODELED my entire personality to make you and US happy. why didn't you just SPEAK??????????????? just OPEN that pretty mouth of yours and EXPRESS YOUR ISSUES.
so these past several years i've been idling, comfortable, stuffing cheesecake into my fat mouth, watching movies and playing video games. farthest thing from my mind was ... me without you .. so there i was .. slothing away, believing this is what "marriage life" is like .. but in reality i just lost all these years, losing my place in the real world. now conditioned to this idle, sheltered and cozy life, it will be hard to get back out there
while other couples were discussing the BASICS: planning for retirement, or buying homes in good neighborhoods with good schools .. i was wasting my time with petty, WORTHLESS DRIVEL. xbox, id channel, live leak, other sites and worst of all … my vanity issues, which would rotate between feeling handsome and feeling ugly as fuck. fucking RIDICULOUS. INSANE. exhausting you to death with my insecurities and whining.
back then i thought that was acceptable, because you accepted it, and for the most part my family accepted it. now after this KARATE KICK to the head i see those 7 years of existence was a shameful and miserable waste of TIME. i was INADEQUATE.
what i need now is to climb out of this hole. i need to bounce back with a vengeance.
despite my father's discouraging demeanor i know one day, one fucking day .. i'll find my "career" or calling and make some money.
so blah blah blah .. more blah blah about me being sad and crushed. blah blah .. you dumped me.. blah blah . BLAH .. boo hooooo poor me, all alone and hurt.
is this whole email is a waste of time? won't do anything for either of us?
just words on a screen. could have channeled this energy towards something else.
by now you probably met some charismatic dude .. possibly with a foreign accent, the exotic kind you fancy most.. that makes you check your sms every few minutes. someone who makes you all warm and fuzzy inside. the thought tears me up inside but i'll have to live with it. fuck.. the thought KILLS ME to think of my baby kissing or worse with another DUDE. fuck that SHIT.
you see how deep i went with this email. typing feels like some sort of release .. expressing my inner woes .. does help soothe the angst in some way. so i hope you were able to take something from this long email.. my heavy heart wanted to SOB and RELEASE into this email about this whole lame ordeal. i want you to know i understand your decision. i respect you and love you with all my heart. but i still yearn for answers to these questions that pummel violently through my thoughts all the fucking time. these questions:
why so suddenly?
why so fucking suddenly? why was everything ok 3 months ago, with you modeling the engagement ring on your finger all giddy and happy, and with you strengthening my relationship with your parents, with you talking about having beautiful babies, then suddenly this 50 POUND hammer hit you? why SO SUDDENLY?
how come samantha and mary ignored my heartbreaking email?
what really happened? for you to answer that .. you need to be honest. you have to be HONEST. tell me you met someone else. please just tell me it was some other guy. that way i can stop casting and DIRECTING all the blame INWARDS, and stop thinking i'm DEFECTIVE.
tell me it was because of the religion or conversion. please tell me anything that will REMOVE THIS SELF-HATRED i'm dealing with. if it's the truth.
please give me some logical reasons that make sense. all the other mumbo jumbo doesn't make sense. you know it doesn't. the reasons you gave do not make sense. truth please?
please.
she loves her career.. shes addicted to her career.. the roles were reversed.. and she loved it. she loved me at home, always accessible and taking care of our pets / home. she expressed her LOVE and HAPPINESS so many times, and it was genuine. that wasn't a problem ever.
suddenly this THUNDERSTORM hits me.. shes talking about seperation. i put all my cards into this marriage so now i'm left ASSFUCKED.. had to move to my home country overseas with my parents .. fucking lost my entire life within a matter of 2 -3 WEEKS
so after relapsing on meth i wrote this email .. i just feel the need to share it with u all. been clean for a while now but i'm back on the fucking lame meth that actually has me feeling quite euphoric at the moment.. but its all gonna hurt later.
i hate this shit. i know this email wont do shit .. just make me feel lousy later for unloading without filtering .. u know that filter we have sober, well .. tweaked out .. there is no filter.
so tell me what u think of my email to my ex wife:
----
jen,
long email, maybe more convenient to read this on your train ride home, or at home with a good drink and cig.
here goes……………….
maybe i didn't stimulate your senses enough, no excitement, mundane, boring. i knew it all along.. sex for sure wasn't there like it used to be. sex is vital. not everything, but important. needs to be there. not even the act of sex .. i neglected you physically.. i didn't kiss you the way i used to. didn't touch you the same. if i did, that could have compensated for my personality flaws. but i had my reasons. partly the ugly dirty associations with sex and drugs. especially what went on with METH. also partly because i'm on testosterone lowering medicine. partly .. or mostly because of my insecurity. insecurity that made me weak, and pathetic. i need to get over that bullshit. thinking i'm ugly and not good enough. that is always in my head. that exhausted you.
my rational? she loves me unconditionally. so thinking that you love me unconditionally enabled me to keep acting like a turd.
what bothers me the most is .. no advance notice. the sudden punch, a huge BRICK abruptly hitting me in the face screaming "YOU'RE A FUCKING DEFECTIVE LOSER". it wasn't gradual .. it was so fucking sudden.
ok… i needed it. everyone knows i need IT. need to change.
i always knew i need to change. but when i was accepted and embraced by you .. it wasn't urgent. or it didn't matter yet.
i still don't think i'm in such bad shape. given the circumstances:
my mom, the way she is.. pill popping, detached, non-existant growing up
my dad, you know how he sees me. ill never make the man proud. never. stereotypical scenario of son always trying to get validation and approval from cold wealthy father. would give an arm to hear my father say the words .. i'm proud of ....
lots of fucking drugs
more drugs
meth, crack, h.. iv meth, iv h, and iv coke..
no school or structure ever, dropped out before highschool
moved too much as a kid .. 6 countries before age 13
wrong crowd of friends, criminals and bad influences
trauma from crazy experiences that resulted from wrong crowds
all kinds of guilt that SHREDS my inner core
insomnia
on a bunch of mood altering pills.. antidepressants galore, and the benzos
ridiculous insecurity, major depression, social anxiety, ADHD, a bunch of other neuro / psycho label bullshits, crybaby syndrome
blah blah and blah
and a bunch of other first world problems that pale in comparison to a joe shmoe working 3 jobs barely able to pay rent or feed himself. or a family in africa that lives on 70 cents a day.
but for some fucking reason, my issues still have managed to shape me into who i am right now. and i'm in genuine pain.
so i have some legitimate "excuses" that i can hide behind. i can rationalize all my flaws, and make excuses left and right.
you feel bad for me, a kind of pity. but your exhausted from these excuses. the exhaustion from the excuses OVERWRITES EVERYTHING. who needs the drama? who needs the dysfunctional bullshit that comes from being my wife? my mother unleashed her venom directly into your face. i know how that infuriated you. i apologized on her behalf. but that doesn't work. back then i put you through hell .. with my addiction. put you in 30k usd debt. exposed you to ugliness and filth. i'm responsible for your older friends writing you off.
i was out of control, and you didn't run away like you should have.
despite my wild and despicable ways, back then you were actually physically and emotionally attracted to me. infactuated with me, intoxicated with me, etc.. defying logic and common sense, right? i was different. but you wanted me .. the drug addicted, wild, tatted up wannabe thug infatuated with crime. hard on the outside, soft inside, etc the farthest thing from normal. you wanted me, you were in love.
ok now fast forward to today. i'm "fixed"
i have been clean for years. i have lost all those vile vices, aspiring to blend in with the "normal", "regular" shades of life.
i lost the obnoxious, loathsome "fuck the world" attitude, replacing that with a desire to be the gentler, considerate, courteous type of guy.
i lost all these scandalous ways, all that vicious cycle of self destruction just gone.
beyond not cheating on you, i have been faithful MENTALLY. which is the most potent purest form of monogamy. that means zero flirting .. zero lust for other women. no wandering eyes. pure devotion to you and only you.
what else improved? my ego finally deflated, allowing me to accept normalcy. what defines normal (to me)? adopting a new outlook on what is bad (wrong), and what is good (right).
causing harm to my body and loved ones feelings, being a lousy neighbor, a selfish son, a cheating boyfriend, associating with nogooders, denying G-d into my soul, all that has changed, right?
HOWEVER the check list of LIFE still had insanely important goals PENDING like career, financial independence, and of course the smaller but still hugely important things like going out with your friends when i'm invited, going out more with you, etc..
so i managed to fix so much about me.. leaping over monstrous hurdles. obstacles. Miracle?? against the odds, debunking the myths that what i did was impossible. to beat the addiction and overcome the fragmented, destructive lifestyle that accompanied it. so much SHIT i managed to defeat and overcome.
but i didn't get to those extremely important goals like career, financial independence, etc, etc YET. yet.
you could not wait any longer. that really is such a shame.
what stings me the most is .. we had a genuinely good thing between us. text book / encyclopedia definition of "loving couple". no bickering, no jealousy issues, no lack of communication, no silly games. we were best friends beyond all that. same sense of humor, same lingo, we completed each other intellectually as well. trusted each other. our parents ADORED each of us. on a personality level we balanced each other out. no where close to perfect, but somewhere close to "almost perfect".
so when it's so compatible .. that means it was VALUABLE. which means it's worth cherishing. HOLDING ON TO.
it's worth it to hold on to something so cherished and valuable, right? but you trashed this valuable, cherished thing called true love, that we definitely had. i would be a good father, and good husband. you know that!
what EATS me the most is there was no attempt to TRY to make it work / fix / amend / maintain. no attempt.
if you did all this for an affair, meaning you met someone before we separated.. that would be easier to swallow than what happened with this absurd shit.
talk is cheap.. so i figure this email could be interpreted as ramblings / verbal diarrhea. the hazy delusion or illusion of my words somehow changing your mind about our separation.. doesn't exist. you'll probably be either skimming this email on your bb at work or reading this at home with a few beers in you, feeling warm and conveniently apathetic or indifferent to what you might interpret as self-absorbed whining.
a few beers can completely ERASE any nuisances that creeps into your psyche, OBLITERATE any nagging thoughts, and just straight up KILL any type of hindrances that come your way. the beautiful power of alcohol.
a lonely night? .. no worries. while some people depend on their husband or a cuddly teddy bear to help them fall asleep.. alcohol can REPLACE that uncool teddy bear, that irksome husband or even that scraggly pet you used to look forward to cuddling with. alcohol will put you into a warm, cozy slumber. so who needs the dog, husband or teddy bear, AH?
but you sure have discipline and STRENGTH. you are unbelievable, dropping 9 beers a night into your scrawny frame .. nightly for YEARS .. yet you're not only surviving at work, but actually thriving .. you're recognized for your commitment to always fill the bill. you are always ON and ready to please your peers at work. which is unbelievable considering the years of alcohol abuse!
i cant judge from where i stood, or stand .. but i'll continue saying alcohol is rotting your soul and brain.. especially your judgement. obviously your health / body. so stop that shit.. whether you are with me or without me. it's not OK. it is slowly destroying your brain .. literally ravaging your perfect brain as the years pass by .. no matter how you sugarcoat it, or rationalize it .. it still is harming you whether it happens now or years ahead, the alcohol will catch up with you.. "everyone does it" is your slogan that makes everything OK. not everyone does it. only a small percentage of this world drinks daily. but the mantra continues in your head: all my "friends do it."
your friends...........
i'm GUESSING you leaked all the bad, crummy, TRAUMATIZING stories about our life to them about our past .. likely bringing forth their pity for you, and their HATRED for me. why didn't they reply to my heartfelt email? i reached within my soul to express my feelings to them, and they just ignored it. ……….. thats not fair. so obviously they're validating your decision to end our relationship.
misery loves company.
samantha especially.. her whole "cool" blasé personality with her "realness" and indifference to anyone .. her bullshit hipster "individualist" persona has really made an impression on you from the beginning. rubbing off on you, your character, your tone of voice, your speaking, your temperament, your attitude, your appearance even, all has been affected and altered throughout these years since samantha crawled into your life. not trying to belittle or insult you..
we all change, right? its inevitable .. our personalities all transform as we blossom .. but i think its important to know WHO or what influenced or prompted these changes. you really admire her .. and shes a lonely, bitter, 35 year old with no meaningful relationships under her belt.
so you might see her, all content and fulfilled, being single .. you think that's real?
back to unconditional love.. that means no matter how fucked up a situation is .. you were supposed to accept it. unconditionally. flaws and all. you should have expressed your aggravations with me, which i would have accepted and embraced so i could evolve to become better. i would have completely REMODELED my entire personality to make you and US happy. why didn't you just SPEAK??????????????? just OPEN that pretty mouth of yours and EXPRESS YOUR ISSUES.
so these past several years i've been idling, comfortable, stuffing cheesecake into my fat mouth, watching movies and playing video games. farthest thing from my mind was ... me without you .. so there i was .. slothing away, believing this is what "marriage life" is like .. but in reality i just lost all these years, losing my place in the real world. now conditioned to this idle, sheltered and cozy life, it will be hard to get back out there
while other couples were discussing the BASICS: planning for retirement, or buying homes in good neighborhoods with good schools .. i was wasting my time with petty, WORTHLESS DRIVEL. xbox, id channel, live leak, other sites and worst of all … my vanity issues, which would rotate between feeling handsome and feeling ugly as fuck. fucking RIDICULOUS. INSANE. exhausting you to death with my insecurities and whining.
back then i thought that was acceptable, because you accepted it, and for the most part my family accepted it. now after this KARATE KICK to the head i see those 7 years of existence was a shameful and miserable waste of TIME. i was INADEQUATE.
what i need now is to climb out of this hole. i need to bounce back with a vengeance.
despite my father's discouraging demeanor i know one day, one fucking day .. i'll find my "career" or calling and make some money.
so blah blah blah .. more blah blah about me being sad and crushed. blah blah .. you dumped me.. blah blah . BLAH .. boo hooooo poor me, all alone and hurt.
is this whole email is a waste of time? won't do anything for either of us?
just words on a screen. could have channeled this energy towards something else.
by now you probably met some charismatic dude .. possibly with a foreign accent, the exotic kind you fancy most.. that makes you check your sms every few minutes. someone who makes you all warm and fuzzy inside. the thought tears me up inside but i'll have to live with it. fuck.. the thought KILLS ME to think of my baby kissing or worse with another DUDE. fuck that SHIT.
you see how deep i went with this email. typing feels like some sort of release .. expressing my inner woes .. does help soothe the angst in some way. so i hope you were able to take something from this long email.. my heavy heart wanted to SOB and RELEASE into this email about this whole lame ordeal. i want you to know i understand your decision. i respect you and love you with all my heart. but i still yearn for answers to these questions that pummel violently through my thoughts all the fucking time. these questions:
why so suddenly?
why so fucking suddenly? why was everything ok 3 months ago, with you modeling the engagement ring on your finger all giddy and happy, and with you strengthening my relationship with your parents, with you talking about having beautiful babies, then suddenly this 50 POUND hammer hit you? why SO SUDDENLY?
how come samantha and mary ignored my heartbreaking email?
what really happened? for you to answer that .. you need to be honest. you have to be HONEST. tell me you met someone else. please just tell me it was some other guy. that way i can stop casting and DIRECTING all the blame INWARDS, and stop thinking i'm DEFECTIVE.
tell me it was because of the religion or conversion. please tell me anything that will REMOVE THIS SELF-HATRED i'm dealing with. if it's the truth.
please give me some logical reasons that make sense. all the other mumbo jumbo doesn't make sense. you know it doesn't. the reasons you gave do not make sense. truth please?
please.
. Hang in there man.
Theresa
