Coping with my girlfriends past and mine - I need help

[$ublimaze]

Ive been in an absolutely lovely relationship with my beautiful girlfriend for 2 years now. Prior to that we were FWB for 2 years. She has a five year old boy that she had only 8 months before I met her. For the first 2 years we stayed friends because I didn't want to get involved with a child and she was smack in the middle of a traumatic period of her life. Two years later, we fell madly in love. Thats still the case to this day.

I am extremely protective(not controlling or jealous) of her and hate gross men. We think this is because when I was four a man who was supposed to be my mothers friend attempted to murder her by strangling her infront of me. I tried to get him off her but it was no use. Eventually when she stopped moving (played dead) he let her go. The next day I remember thinking to my young self, "I should have gotten one of the big knives from the drawer and used all my force to slit his throat." I felt regret for not doing it. That experience has stuck with me to this day.

When I was 10, another bad thing happened to my mother. She was raped by this guy who I guess she was seeing or maybe just friends with. I knew him and he was always nice to me. This incident really wounded my mother. Thats how I ended up finding out about it. I knew something was really wrong and when I kept asking her what was going on she finally told me. It maybe wasn't the best idea, but she wasn't exactly in the best state of mind. I went fucking postal when I found out. All of that shaped me to be very gentle, caring, considerate, sensitive, and all those other good things that make up a great boyfriend and man.

But I am also always on over-alert. If someone says something rude or does something like try to run into my baby to catch a feel, they find them selves on the receiving end of a wrath that has been brewing my whole life. I hate men who hurt women and when I say hate, I mean I would gladly condemn them to the most horrendous death possible.

The father of my girlfriends child is one such abusive piece of shit. He basically was able to prey on her and abuse her because of her low self-esteem and naivety. All though my girlfriend is older than me, she never had the experience to discern a creep sob like I do and honestly she had a life of abusive parents and other crap that never taught her to value herself and how precious she is.

I am hurt from her past and my past all rolled up into one with my over active imagination not making anything easier. On a general level, I am hurt that she did not save having a kid from me. She had never known love like we share and wanted to have someone to love her and to love(a child), but I have mostly gotten over that.

I am hurt that she gave herself to this creepy fuck. I know him and he isfucking ugly as shit. I cant wrap my head around how she ever let him touch her and I honestly feel disgusted with her sometimes. Also, before we were ever in love or anything like that, I asked her a couple of sexual questions and found out that she had anal sex with this fuck, at the time I didn't even care cuz I was just FWB and we had just met or w/e. But after I fell in love with her I rememberd her saying that and it eats me up. I consider anal sex something special and not just to be thrown around or given to especially nasty fucks.
Sometimes I will be walking and ill get a flash from my imagination of that and it stops me right in my tracks. I literally feel sick to my stomach.

This fuck has to see his kid which means he gets to see my girl til this day. That drives me nuts. We are working on setting it up so that they are never face to face. He made up a bunch of lies and braught them to family court. So we have had to dance through a million hoops and its been humiliating, only further making me nuts.

Because I cant let go, sometimes I accidently hurt my girlfriend. For instance, today, we were talking and I got a hint that she wasn't working fast enough or spot on enough to defend herself in court and move toward an access center for drop off and pick ups and I yelled at her. I guess I feel like she is not protecting herself enough or something. Which isnt true. Its not fair of me to get on her case about it because she is way more healed about the whole thing than me and I only make things worse by being angry. I feel powerless to do anything and because of my past, that is hurting me alot and bringing up old wounds. Im actually slightly homicidal over this. I have no empathy for people who hurt the ones I care about. None. Zilch. Zero. I would never do anything crazy, but only because I could get caught and because she wouldnt want that.

None of her other past sexual relationships bother me because they werent creeps. She really has only been with 1/4 the amount of people I have and shes quite a bit older than me. She also hasnt been on many if any one night stands, where as I have fucked all kinds of women randomly.

I shouldnt have a problem. She worships the ground I walk on. She hasnt been with anyone els, even when we were FWB, but I have. Shes a one man type of girl and she gives herself to me fully. Maybe thats what freaks me out. I think wait a minute she gave herself to him fully? But she didnt... I know she didnt. Ive rocked her world and even though they say older women have all this experience and everything, all her little sexy tricks were learned on me. She actually was kinda clumsy in bed when I first met her.

Its all me. None of this is her problem. She is however very sensitive to me. She has never inconsiderately blabbed about any of her past sexual experiences, save that one time when I asked her if she did anal. Something wrong in me just wants to level out the playing field and be like OH yah well this one time I did this or that and see how she feels, but that is incredibly childish and not conducive to a healthy relationships(which we have)

I just want to get past this. Its gotten to the point where if I cant get past it, I have to leave her. That would fucking suck and probably be wrong. I want to be casual about stuff like this. I know so many guys who just dont give a shit. I want to be like them. I want to think its no big deal like people in the porn industry.

I just have a feeling that I need to accept things and move on, but I dont quite know how. Its really the anal thing that bugs me... maybe some of you can knock some sense into me. Its all the past for fuck sakes and we wouldnt even have met each-other if not for this fuckhead. So i try to look at it like that. Today was a bad day. Its not always this bad. I dont want to think of my girlfriend as disgusting. Shes not. She didnt know me back then and if I were there, Im sure she would have left with me in a heart beat. Shes told me so many times how she regrets it and shes been as sensitive as she can. Shes understandably getting tired of me freaking out though.

Please talk some sense into me.

Thank you!

 

[tokenname]

you need counseling...sorry..but that's the only sense i can make out of this.
you have issues that need talked out and resolving..
for you..her..and the kid.
good luck.

 

[$ublimaze]

Im afraid counselling will just make me think about this shit even more

 

[Cohesion]

Your options are
1. Accept her past
2. Fight her past

When you have a terrible thought that makes you stop dead in your tracks and sick to your stomach, feel it, breathe, and take another few steps. Next time that happens, maybe you will take 5 or 6 steps until you feel nauseous again. Eventually you will walk for 3 hours without remembering a terrible thought. When it happens, know it will pass. This is acceptance.

I think the process of fighting it will be more painful. What would that look like?

______________

I have done some unspeakable things in my past. I've died and come back to life though. I'm devastated enough by my past. I'm looking for a lover who knows that I am my present.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

She's with you now, and not with anyone from the past. I would not break up with her if this is the only issue since it sounds like you'll regret it later.

 

[$ublimaze]

Your options are
1. Accept her past
2. Fight her past

When you have a terrible thought that makes you stop dead in your tracks and sick to your stomach, feel it, breathe, and take another few steps. Next time that happens, maybe you will take 5 or 6 steps until you feel nauseous again. Eventually you will walk for 3 hours without remembering a terrible thought. When it happens, know it will pass. This is acceptance.

I think the process of fighting it will be more painful. What would that look like?

______________

I have done some unspeakable things in my past. I've died and come back to life though. I'm devastated enough by my past. I'm looking for a lover who knows that I am my present.

Thank you this helped me actually. Something clicked when you said this. It made me feel like its just pain. Sure its a strange form of pain, but ultimately just pain and if I think of it like that it helps. Im trying to just imagine all those images being flooded with black paint. Thats kinda working too. And if I see his face I just let it get all distorted and any picture related to it.

As for what would it look like if I fought this? Not good. Illl either end up in jail or my girl will be really disappointed cuz im hurting her kids father. So ya... not going to do that although sometimes I think I would feel better if this person just stopped existing. She doesnt think so though.

Im lucky to have such a sensitive and caring person. Shes not even promiscuous and never has been, so I really think I should just chill out. I was reading on the net some other guys stories and these girls they were dealing with were really freaky. At least I know my girls freaky side comes from me.

 

[zephyr]

One day you should go back and read your own post. It seems you know what the issue is you have to deal with.

No one else can fix this for you, whats done is done. I know I have had relationships I totally regret, kick myself every now and then for not seeing then what I do now when the rose coloured glasses are off. I am sure you can look back and think "What the fuck did I do THAT with THAT thing for?"

Unless you have a flux capacitor my friend, nothing will change the past. That's someone else's past, imagine how bad she would feel about it being the one involved if that is how bad you feel?

There is love there between you, let it win.

 

[badandwicked]

As you say, you do need help. And as someone else said, that help is counselling.

Seeing someone attempt to murder your mother and believing they may be dead, and hearing before you were mature enough to cope that she was raped are so damaging.

These issues will continue to haunt your existing relationship & any future ones until they're addressed. I know its not a nice prospect and it may be years until you're ready to deal, but I'd say don't wait too long.

This isn't about her and her past.

You have a handle on the anger now, but you can't guarantee that one day it won't make you do something crazy. You're suffering more than anyone, that really comes across in your post, you need to find inner peace

 

[$ublimaze]

As you say, you do need help. And as someone else said, that help is counselling.

Seeing someone attempt to murder your mother and believing they may be dead, and hearing before you were mature enough to cope that she was raped are so damaging.

These issues will continue to haunt your existing relationship & any future ones until they're addressed. I know its not a nice prospect and it may be years until you're ready to deal, but I'd say don't wait too long.

This isn't about her and her past.

You have a handle on the anger now, but you can't guarantee that one day it won't make you do something crazy. You're suffering more than anyone, that really comes across in your post, you need to find inner peace

Its hard to tell just how much damage it has done. I just dont see how counselling will help. Ive talked to a lot of people about this and have gotten it off my chest for a long time. Im ready to deal now. I have no choice. I feel as if I am teetering and on one side there is peace and on the other side anger hatred revenge etc... I will not choose that abyss.

 

[lola]

What you need isn't the kind of gentle fluffy counselling where you "get it off your chest".

What you need is the kind of cognitive-focused work where you acknowledge the past events that shaped who you are today, then accept the damage they have done to you and learn to take full responsibility for your feelings and thoughts in the here-and-now.

It's a really painful process but until you've done it (even a few sessions of CBT can really help you control your obsessive and irrational thoughts) you'll be forever stuck in a loop. You have internal conflicts about this situation and you're taking them out on your gf. If you do want some pop-psychology advice in the meanwhile....

1. You need to re-frame your world in a way where you stop feeling it's your duty to "rescue" people, because it sounds like it actually turns you into a controlling person. You can't be a superhero saving women form abusive men, and all this hatred you have inside isn't healthy.
2. Your gf is not your mother, and you can't reverse that bad things and bad decisions your mother went through by helping your gf. In fact she broke up with the creep and sounds like she's doing fine, you should be proud of her.
3. Your gf's ex is not one of your mother's exes, and you should be empowering her to deal with him alone as much as possible. You are disempowering her when you make her feel she can't manage it. But it's you, not her, that can't manage it, and you need to acknowledge it.
4. Every time you have an obsessive thought entering your head (e.g. "I can't believe she had anal sex with that creep") you have a choice: you either engage with it and keep letting it poison your brain, or you accept that it's there, that you're prone to this way of thinking, that you have some unresolved anger issues that get triggered this way and you choose not to engage with that thought. Go for a run, a cold shower, watch porn, call a mate; find a way out of the loop by distracting yourself.

 

[$ublimaze]

Going to see her now. Im gonna be an angel and think well.

"I have done some unspeakable things in my past. I've died and come back to life though. I'm devastated enough by my past. I'm looking for a lover who knows that I am my present."

I like it

 

[Cohesion]

Sublimaze, I'm glad to hear you're ready to move forward with love

 

[thujone]

Yesterday: "all this fucked-up shit is eating my life!!"
Today: "I feel fine, thanks for the help."
Tomorrow: ...?

You can choose peace today but what if anger chooses you tomorrow? If you're really ready to deal with all the anger then that's cool but if you're just trying to wish it away then it'll get triggered by something and you could explode.

 

[Lysis]

$ublimaze, I think we all have issues in our pasts that have affected us. Yours is devastating, but it's at least good that you are talking it through to yourself and acknowledging it. I agree about counseling, but I am also the same that I don't like talking about things, because it makes me remember and it hurts to remember. I understand where you are coming from there, but at the same time, I don't have issues from my past that turn me violent.

What stood out to me was that you really have some deep-seeded issues with her past, and she can't change that and neither can you. We make stupid choices with whom we hook up. It happens. The road to good intentions is filled with failure. If we could pick our perfect mate the first time around, the world would be filled with less single moms and divorces. She made a bad choice in a man, but she's moved on from him and now she is with you.

Only you know if you're capable of moving on from the issue and her past, but if you know you can't, you should take the sacrifice and opt for counseling.

 

[shishigami]

I kinda had this issue in my last relationship, my girlfriend did some really stupid shit with guys beforehand and had cheated and I had to just accept that she was a different person now then she was before.

 

[$ublimaze]

Yesterday: "all this fucked-up shit is eating my life!!"
Today: "I feel fine, thanks for the help."
Tomorrow: ...?

You can choose peace today but what if anger chooses you tomorrow? If you're really ready to deal with all the anger then that's cool but if you're just trying to wish it away then it'll get triggered by something and you could explode.

I never said I feel fine. I basically said I was willing to move forward with integrity. I can't worry about tomorrow. I can only worry about today. I guess if someone is stupid enough to really trigger me...yes, but I wont do anything terrible if it could hurt her. Its weird. I know I am not a psychopath. I feel for people, but I dont feel anything for people like pedophiles and abusers.

Only you know if you're capable of moving on from the issue and her past, but if you know you can't, you should take the sacrifice and opt for counseling.

I think I can heal from this. I am not torturing myself on purpose and from what I can tell that is a huge achievement in itself. The willingness I have is serving me well. Today I had a couple of really great talks with her about trust. I am trusting her more and more. It feels really good actually. I think the more I trust her, the more this becomes a non issue. I don't know why its that way though.

I feel so blessed to have someone who loves me so freaking much. Its crazy. To think wow this person who I think is amazing is madly in love with me! I think I am going to get counselling either way. I probably could deal with this on my own, but maybe not. I am not totally dealing with it on my own. I have her and I have you guys thx!

 

[lola]

Its weird. I know I am not a psychopath. I feel for people, but I dont feel anything for people like pedophiles and abusers.

I don't think anyone thinks your a psycho... but the ability to de-humanise people is the worrying part for me. You're dividing the world into those who deserve to live and those who don't. I worked with seriously fucked up criminals before, including those who murdered members of their own family. Most had mental health problems and a horrendous lives. Not an excuse at all for their terrible behaviour, but they are still human beings. I don't want you snapping one day and beating the crap out of someone then finding out your assumptions about them were wrong. Many paedophiles kill themselves every year because they'll never harm or lay a finger on a child - they know it's morally wrong and they have self-control - but they can't go on living in a world where they will always be the most badly treated member of society and they will never experience love or affection, because they can't help who they are attracted to. Hating any group in society is still hatred - whether it's women, ethnic minorities or criminals. It's still a toxic well of anger and negativity inside of you which can boil over, and there are healthy ways to let it out instead of the constant background threat of violence to counter violence. Good luck with the counselling, I think you sound ready to start unpicking things and separating what is yours, what is your gf's and what is your mother's, and trust me it will help

 

[$ublimaze]

Something good happened today. After having a really nice afternoon with her, I felt comfortable and possibly stupid enough to ask her a poignant question that had been bothering me. We had some really crazy sex just before, and it was so close and so passionate that it made me think, has she ever had anything that close before? It was kind of a stupid question because she has told me so many times before how amazing it all is and how its never been so good and all that. And I believe her that the sex never been so good lol, but I guess I questioned if she had ever been so close to anyone before. Deep down I knew that she hadn't, because she was a flake until she had a kid and I met her just after Plus I want a lot of the same things that a mature woman wants in a relationship, so I know we both deliver in that way.

She didn't understand the question, but I thought it was pretty cut and dry. I said have you ever given yourself to someone like that? She said "Well I dont know I'd have to think about it." I started acting like an insecure moron, but I wasnt mean or angry with her or anything, I just sort of got a little worked up and was like WHATT?? You have to think about that?!?! It surprised me. So she goes "well just chill out ok its probably not that bad I just don't understand the question." So I did chill out, but I definitely knew I wanted to know the answer, but I didn't want her to just say something because she knew I wanted to hear it.

So we went for a walk. I told her I understood how it was an abstract concept. Like ok what is it to give yourself to some one. Or what is it to have "never had anything like it?" But thats all samatics I thought. Still its a pretty straight forward question. Have you ever been this close and had such close sex and thus have you ever given yourself to someone like this?

She was so sweet with me. Obviously I was being insecure. Even I knew that. I pictured in my head you guys on BL being like "NOOOO dont go there!!!" But I thought truly if she can figure out what Im getting at, and then think about it and truly know in her mind that there was nobody els like me and tell me that while looking into my eyes, then perhaps it will just ease all of this.

And it did. We arrived at a perfect conclusion. It was something I briefly thought of on our walk, but I didnt quite notice the significance of it right away. She said "You know you should really be thankfull for S(her kid)" I said why? She goes, "Well having him has made me into the person I am today!" Right away I noticed the magnitude of what she had said. The thing is, she was a total flake before. I know her. She didnt actually grow up til she was uhm 40? True story. Neglectful parents will do that to ya. Thats part of the reason I love her so much, shes so youthful.

So after she said that she said jokingly, "Your being a total moron right now. I just told you the answer." She had this look on her face like "Stop being so dumb, cant you tell I'm totally mad for you?" and I was like YEAHHHHH haha

So I guess I feel kinda thankful she had a kid. Its made her into the person she is today. Plus the kids not too bad either. Hes pretty cute and teaches me things. Im just lucky she really hasnt had this with anyone els because it probably would have ruined it for me for some reason. Probably because Ive never had this with anyone before. Its special for me.

So yeah, I had a little bit of a lapse there by asking her a question that really was just going to stir shit up, but at least it was a purposeful question in that her answer would make me feel like I wasnt just another nick in the bed post. And thats that, I told her and myself that I wouldnt bring it up again. I was satisfied with her answer and happy to feel so confident that this really was as truly special for her as it was for me. I always knew that anyway, so its kinda dumb I guess... Hearing it so specifically helped though.

So yeah... Things are getting better. I guess love is the best healer really.

Just in case anyone is wondering, I am 24 and she is 42. Sometimes people think its strange when they find out my girlfriend is 42, but when I show them a picture of her, everybody understands then. Shes beautiful, and if anyone gets to know us, it makes sense too. We are good together and there isnt really a maturity gap. ALl though shes a hell of alot more practical than me lol. More life experience that way.

 

[badandwicked]

Sorry, its a nice story and all, but I foresee plenty more problems ahead. Your issues haven't all been assuaged by this exchange. You need to find peace & security within, you can't rely on her to provide it on a week by week basis, it will tear you both apart. And I think your two ages are relevant in this tale. good luck with it all though

 

[Mel22]

Even if your girlfriend was just as close with someone prior to you, that doesn't cheapen what you have in any way.

The past is the past. You really need to work on your insecurity issues, they appear to be quite severe. You may think you have it under control, but you don't - just read back over your posts and see how much you're suffering because of it. Seek counseling and sort it out. This sort of insecurity will destroy not only your relationship, but your entire life if you let it.