The Merry [but not Merry] Month of May

[ethnobot781]

Hey all,

So, I'm trying some to make some small but hopefully significant positive changes in my life right now. As part of this process I've decided that it will probably help things along if I attempt to stay as close as possible to clean & sober for at least the next month. I was gonna start on May 1st but I knew in advance that I would have a bunch of stress to deal with yesterday so I moved my start day to today as a precaution.

Those of you who remember some of my posts from long ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth, may know that this is going to be complicated for me by medical issues most relevantly chronic pain. I have therefore developed my own rules to avoid an early crash-and-burn.

1st I'm allowed officially doctor-prescribed medications, in the doses and at the times prescribed. Fair enough, right?

2nd I'm allowed some caffeine. I don't think I have a massive problem with caffeine & it's relatively safe. I do however have a much harder time not smoking tobacco if I have to completely quit caffeine at the same time. Plus nicotine has an effect on caffeine metabolism so I can cut back some after a couple days of no nicotine in any case. It's much the lesser of two evils plus if I start to psychologically miss certain drug preparation rituals I can spend a while brewing up a really tasty cup of coffee or tea.

So far I've been up since 5.30am and the only psychoactive I've consumed is a single coffee. I'll update from time to time with progress.

Peace, ethnobot

 

[DeathDomokun]

Best of luck!

 

[ethnobot781]

Thanks,

I meant to add that I tend to switch around around a bit on substances to avoid tolerance issues and I first decided on this project in late February so I have been gradually cutting down some. This isn't therefore a complete cold turkey on everything thankfully.

So, I had to go out & run a couple errands so I had to take a 2 co-codamol to help with pain while I was out. They were the really weak ones equivalent to the OTC version too so total 16mg codeine phosphate. Hardly jack really. I'm working on the principle of using the minimum possible pain relief to keep me mobile & relatively sane while using psychological methods to deal with the rest. I've also been checking out the chronic pain megathread from the directory sticky which is a useful read.

Apart from that just a cup of tea :D I could really use a cigarette I will admit but successfully distracting/resisting so far. I live in hope.

Peace, ethnobot

 

[dogsoldier]

Where behind ya 100 percent mate

 

[stardust.hero]

Ethno, congrats on deciding on a start date! The rules you set for yourself sound pretty well rounded and fair. I am rooting you on and I'm excited to hear about your first full day.

 

[ethnobot781]

Sorry I haven't updated sooner but I seem to have slightly overachieved in my aim to keep busy
The first day ended well, I needed some more pain relief but managed to keep opioids down to 31mg codeine phosphate in the afternoon [the weird dose being down to taking 2 more co-codamols & then topping it up with a 15mg codeine tablet] and 30mg dihydrocodeine [DHC] in the evening when I generally get worst pain. I asked my doctor to switch me back to DHC from tramadol specifically for this project since I hypermetabolise tramadol and it is a far worse abuse risk for me.

The two following days have been much alike. Very busy, with pain gradually building through the day but so far being able to keep a handle on the amount of meds I take for them. Thursday evening I had to take 60mg DHC, which is the maximum prescribed dose, but I did not exceed it or take more opioids before morning so I count it a win. Judicious use of caffeine, actually craving cigarettes worse than anything damn them.

I also had an upset stomach and slept badly. These were probably the result of coming off multiple substances through both withdrawal effects and increased pain. Insomnia's an old acquaintance but the stomach distress was quite annoying especially as for tangential reasons I can't take antacids. Thankfully late on thursday I did a mental forehead slap, said "call yourself an ethnobotanist" and recalled the gastrointestinal calming effects of both peppermint and chamomile teas. I made a strong cup of combined brew. This had better results than expected on my stomach and the chamomile was actually strong enough to help my sleep out by an hour and a quarter. This could be viewed as a breach of my resolve not to ingest any unprescribed psychoactives bar caffeine but I decided to permit it for now since it was helping to keep me off far worse and I never heard of a chamomile addict anyway

Today is far less busy which is good in a way since I am very tired. Managing to cope better than I should be because my stepchild is here to inspire me. Craving badly for a cigarette. Well & other stuff but mostly for a cigarette. Resisting, successfully so far.

Thanks for kind words & general support. I do re-read them when I'm flagging & it helps. Hell, writing this is a cathartic process in itself but the replies are fantastic bonus.

Peace, ethnobot

 

[jobe28]

Dude. Nice. I'm loving the commitment. Keep it up!

I reckon WANTING to be sober is like 90% of actually making it happen. Congrats. It's just a matter of saying NO to the temptation now, in all the weird and fucking wonderful ways your mind will trick you into wanting drugs. SAY NO!!

And by the way I would love to quit cigarettes at some point. You're beating me in that department. It's very hard. But doable. Your quitting inspires me

 

[stardust.hero]

ethno!!, what a pleasant read for my morning! I am soooo happy to hear you are staying on track. Those guidelines you set were well thought out and seem to be helping you immensely. So much kudos to you for also working on your cigarette habit as well!!

 

[Serotonin101]

It always astounds me to see such intelligence, commitment, honesty, and compassion on BL. All the "non-addicts" who call us the scum of the earth and view us as criminals and evil people really need to read what goes on here. Keep up the great work ethno, and personally I don't consider your cup of brew a breach as it's effects were to soothe your stomach, not to get high. I feel honest motives should determine if it's a violation or not, you're taking these things for their intended purpose, not as a luxury. This is your program so I apologize if I came off as rude. Best of luck in your endeavors my friend. The force is strong with this one.

 

[ethnobot781]

Great support folks

personally I don't consider your cup of brew a breach as it's effects were to soothe your stomach, not to get high. I feel honest motives should determine if it's a violation or not, you're taking these things for their intended purpose, not as a luxury. This is your program so I apologize if I came off as rude.

Hahaha yes that, and although brewed very strong it helped my sleep a little this time, have you ever tried to get high on chamomile tea? I did once when I was little more than a stupid, bored kid :D Consuming a huge quantity has no more more effect than a normal, large quantity [although the only real side-effect is needing to pee a lot]. It's useful for soothing very mild nervous tension or as part of a wider destress plan but really that is it's only psychoactive effect. Yes if someone was trying to abuse this stuff it would be worrying behaviour [and clearly I wasn't] but it would also be a little amusing 'coz it just ain't abusable
Oh no, you weren't rude - I wasn't offended at all by the way you completely agreed with me

Ok will have to try & write a proper post tomorrow because my brain can't keep up with fingers and it should be the other way around.

 

[ethnobot781]

I reckon I avoided a potential pitfall last night. A friend offered me a little booze to help relax me a bit before bedtime but I declined. That would be bending the rules too far. I reckon I dodged a bullet there even though I've never had a major problem with alcohol. For one thing I sailed fairly close to the line between enjoying myself & problem when I was younger. For another it would probably have done more to mess up my sleep than help it out & always makes me at least a bit more depressed for much of the following day. But mostly it lowers my inhibitions a lot faster than I often realise and turns off the big "no" button in my head. I could have done anything but if nothing else it would have made it very difficult not to smoke tobacco.

Dude. Nice. I'm loving the commitment. Keep it up!

I reckon WANTING to be sober is like 90% of actually making it happen. Congrats. It's just a matter of saying NO to the temptation now, in all the weird and wonderful ways your mind will trick you into wanting drugs. SAY NO!!

Oh, for sure. If you don't really want to do it then it's just too hard to make the necessary effort to keep resisting temptation every damn time it rears its ugly head. And does take effort, and time, and planning, and commitment, and even some luck. Even for a relatively minor habit especially if it's one of long standing. Don't let anyone fool you in to thinking otherwise. It's so true about how your own mind plays tricks on you too. I find myself rationalising and have to give myself a slap at least 20 times a day.

by the way I would love to quit cigarettes at some point. You're beating me in that department. It's very hard. But doable. Your quitting inspires me

I thought a lot before including smoking in this particular effort. It is damnably hard despite how easy it is to beat the physical side of this addiction.Nicotine has so many ways of fooling your brain in to thinking that it is essential that the sheer panic that the thought of not smoking any more can induce has to be felt to be believed. I was worried that failing with this one would weaken my resolve with everything else. But there are so many things and situations involved with taking other drugs that smoking a cigarette reminds me of that I decided to risk it. Besides it is one of the worst ones health wise so any time I'm not doing it is a bonus. It's still probably the hardest part of any of this so far though, even worse than increased pain levels!

Those guidelines you set were well thought out and seem to be helping you immensely.

From past experiences they were entirely expedient. Try to do too much at once and the mountain is to hard to climb. Too little & the nature of my own character will mean I have serious difficulty in seeing the point. Being honest about this and avoiding too much rationalisation of bad choices is hard but very necessary to give me any chance of success.

It always astounds me to see such intelligence, commitment, honesty, and compassion on BL. All the "non-addicts" who call us the scum of the earth and view us as criminals and evil people really need to read what goes on here. .

I couldn't agree more. I read a lot of forums but I don't post on many. I my not be the most active or continuous bluelighter but I keep coming back & especially to TDS. It's a very special group of people who I've learned an immense amount from over the years & I can't thank enough

The force is strong with this one.

Huh, I dunno about that. I do know what I'm doing to fair extent but that's the result of a long trial-and-error learning process and many previous failures, mistakes and complete abortions! That's one reason, as well as the cathartic process I've mentioned before, why I've posting up so much detail about what I've been doing, why I have, and how well it has worked. Whatever the outcome for me if anything I've done or not done gives a single person a better chance of stopping taking a substance that is causing them problems then the whole thing's been worthwhile.

Today has been a fairly difficult one so far. I'm still not sleeping all that well and it is Sunday so there is both less to do & less that I feel like doing. I've also been alone much of the time. So I'm feeling bored & a bit crappy and it's harder to keep my mind of things. The pain is also fairly bad today. Doing things I shouldn't to relive all this is a constant temptation.

I've been getting through the day in ten- or sometimes even five- minute increments. But so far I have been doing it and a day is just minutes, right? One small positive is that drinking the peppermint and chamomile teas for the symptoms has made it easier to cut out a bit of the caffeine now that its effects are increased by the nicotine leaving my system. They've just meant that I haven't also been choosing something caffeinated when I felt like a hot drink especially in the evening when it might most affect my sleep.

 

[stardust.hero]

Oh, for sure. If you don't really want to do it then it's just too hard to make the necessary effort to keep resisting temptation every damn time it rears its ugly head. And does take effort, and time, and planning, and commitment, and even some luck. Even for a relatively minor habit especially if it's one of long standing. Don't let anyone fool you in to thinking otherwise. It's so true about how your own mind plays tricks on you too. I find myself rationalising and have to give myself a slap at least 20 times a day.

This is amazing "advice". I myself to struggle so much at certain times with accepting that it is really what I want. The concreteness of how much you want it and the solidity in your statements is amazing. You really do make it sound easy at times (not to be disrespectful) in how you have committed. I admire those statements you've made so much.

Reading here has given me so much more ammunition and strength to fight my own will to want to continue using. You by far have showed the most strength in fighting your inner demons (and winning too) that I've read on here.

The plan you've set for yourself and the way you are following through with it. You are truly amazing. Please keep the updates coming!

There are certain posts from people on here that have hit a note with me where I can identify with myself to make myself better. Most posts I see and respond to I identify myself with the poster to help them, but you have helped me understand something that I can't even pinpoint to explain what it is that your posts have taught me.

Thank you

 

[ethnobot781]

This is amazing "advice". I myself to struggle so much at certain times with accepting that it is really what I want. The concreteness of how much you want it and the solidity in your statements is amazing. You really do make it sound easy at times (not to be disrespectful) in how you have committed. I admire those statements you've made so much.

Reading here has given me so much more ammunition and strength to fight my own will to want to continue using. You by far have showed the most strength in fighting your inner demons (and winning too) that I've read on here.

The plan you've set for yourself and the way you are following through with it. You are truly amazing. Please keep the updates coming!

There are certain posts from people on here that have hit a note with me where I can identify with myself to make myself better. Most posts I see and respond to I identify myself with the poster to help them, but you have helped me understand something that I can't even pinpoint to explain what it is that your posts have taught me.

Thank you

I read this when I was a particularly low point yesterday & it made me smile, so thanks I do think you overstate my case a little though. This is far from easy. On a psychological & emotional level it is a bloody, brutal grinding conflict. It's more of a war than just a struggle. It is just necessary not to let it devolve in to a war of attrition. It's nigh impossible to win one of those with addictions. The habits I'm battling here may be fairly minor individually but I've chosen to deal with all the hardest ones at once. That means trouble! Hey, when I was planning this I only had the commitment to attempt a month, at least initially. That was also only five days ago :D

I do find it interesting that you talk about fighting inner demons. I once read a book in which there were demons that were capable of driving people mad, even killing them sometimes. Yet their only weapon was fear. Fear of the demons and their horrible reputation caused people to die of shock simply because they believed that they were going to die! Once the hero adopted an "oh, hell it's just another silly demon" attitude they were powerless to harm him. I mention it because I've found that half the trouble in breaking an addiction is fear. My brain, its chemistry out of whack from all the chemicals, sees any drop in normal levels of neurotransmitters and activated receptor sites as a deviation from what has become the norm & therefore, potentially, a crisis. That makes it send alarm signals which cause me stress and I start to crave the drugs again.

The real problem is that my imagination jumps in to the gap at the very start of craving, with those false alarm bells ringing in the back of my mind. Fear of change [in the form of deviation from the "norm"] and imagination produce a range of disaster scenarios which could follow from cessation of substances, then feed on each other in a nasty feedback loop. However unlikely these scenarios are my treacherous mind is quite capable of rationalising them and then fretting in to a frenzy over them until I use. The thing is that all this panic-induced fantasy usually bares little resemblance to the reality of withdrawal & sobriety. Yes, those things can be hard, but my mind for one is capable of conjuring far worse in its campaign to keep me using.

An old alcoholic who had been a decade sober once told me that you should check that any withdrawal you may experience isn't physically stronger enough to cause permanent harm by any means. If not,or after you've got through that part with medical aid, then you should give yourself a reminder at least daily. You should simply remind yourself that the [remaining] withdrawals can't kill you, whereas continuing to use might do just that. This is some of the best advice I've ever had. It's especially true for smokers.

Will have to try and write about today later now I've written more than I meant to.

 

[ethnobot781]

I'm still here & just about managing to keep off everything but I have a migraine right now & I don't feel like typing much so I'll have to update properly when I'm feeling up to it.

 

[Tude]

It always astounds me to see such intelligence, commitment, honesty, and compassion on BL. All the "non-addicts" who call us the scum of the earth and view us as criminals and evil people really need to read what goes on here. Keep up the great work ethno, and personally I don't consider your cup of brew a breach as it's effects were to soothe your stomach, not to get high. I feel honest motives should determine if it's a violation or not, you're taking these things for their intended purpose, not as a luxury. This is your program so I apologize if I came off as rude. Best of luck in your endeavors my friend. The force is strong with this one.

Just so you know, not all "non-addicts" view drug users negatively. As someone who has never even seen drugs, or has never drank a drop of alcohol, I respect drug users. We're all human beings, and we all make choices, some different than others. It's your body to do with as you like.
I actually believe all drugs should be legalized, but that's a whole other issue.

To the OP, good luck in your endeavors!

 

[ethnobot781]

Well, here I am, gradually approaching the halfway point of my initial experiment. I am starting to think about where to take things on June 2nd but nowhere near any kind of deadline for firm decisions.

Drugs wise things have been difficult but achievable. In most other regards the last five days or so have been hellish. I got really sick. I don't think dopesick since it occurred nearly a week after initial quittage and nothing I was still on immediately before had anything like the half-life required to bring on sufficiently delayed withdrawal syndrome. It must just have been a nasty little virus.

I initially thought I had a migraine but then I developed a fever and a sore throat This wasn't helped by the fact that my lungs and throat were already working overtime clearing years of smoking debris, making my cough actually slightly worse than when I quit! This could very easily have led to bronchitis if I hadn't treated it adequately. The current advice (at least here) for suspected viruses is to not go to the doctor and risk spreading infection but to self-care at home & telephone the doctor for advice if you have concerns. If you don't have secondary symptoms indicative of a bacterial infection the advice is always to take paracetamol, drink plenty of clear fluids, keep warm and rest. So I:

- Took to either bed or sofa & tried to keep reasonably warm but not too hot
- Took the paracetamol. Not a substance I like ingesting but I don't take all that often & it's a decent febrifuge. It was prescribed for pain from my spinal problems but it's sold OTC as a self-care febrifuge so no issues there & it isn't psychoactive in any case.
- Drank the following; water, the herbal teas I was already drinking for my stomach, greater plantain tea (which is a great expectorant),hot blackcurrant juice and honey and lemon.
- Took one teaspoon morning & evening of a bizarre concoction I discovered years ago consisting of garlic melted[\I] in to honey. This doesn't taste anywhere near as gross as it sounds if made properly & is a fantastic antibacterial agent. It doesn't even make your breath smell much & any slight odour can be removed by chewing a little parsley or coriander leaf.

This procedure remedied the situation in a little over 4 days of doing nothing any more strenuous of involved than playing a little of an old Total War game. A couple of other points I should mention:

- I did take a single dose of Nitrazepam when the height of the fever was making me too restless to sleep. Although when drawing up my rules I said

I'm allowed officially doctor-prescribed medications, in the doses and at the times prescribed. Fair enough, right?

I've been way more careful with benzos even than with pain meds & avoided it during the normal withdrawal insomnia. This is simply because the line between use and abuse is very finely drawn for me with these meds. Also despite earlier diazepam treatment for anxiety it was with Nitrazepam that I first crossed that line. It was initially just a case of fighting the drug for half to one hour to enjoy the immense feeling of peace, relaxation & quiet joy that I experienced when doing so. Of course this led to intermittent benzo abuse whenever I could arrange it for quite some time until tolerance started to scare me & I had to cut down with low-dose diazepam tablets and nitrazepam syrup to be on the safe side. These meds will always hold a siren song for me hence my extreme caution. This time the restless, broken fever sleep on top of the previous aforementioned insomnia left me desperate for a proper rest and fairly akathistic. Also I was already lying in bed & trying to sleep so it seemed like justified medical usage. In the interests of total honesty I should divulge that the ten minutes I remember of it coming up were the most serene, contented and blissful I have felt since I began this project That's all I recall though before fading to black until an achy morning with a simultaneous raging thirst and urgent desire to urinate. You can judge for yourself.

- I didn't include the small tot of spiced rum afternoon & evening that would usually have been a part of this schedule. Isn't doctor prescribed and is psychoactive, more strongly and dodgily so than the chamomile I made the exception for so not worth risking. I decided that its main genuine somatic effect was the warming effect of the spices so I added ginger and cinnamon as warming spices to one of the honey and lemon drinks for each time period mentioned. I actually found this more effective despite not being as immediately comforting! This struck me as more sensible than warming the rum to the extent where the alcohol evaporated which was the other solution I considered but with which I could not be arsed.

BTW if you're reading anything about how I've implemented my rules and have criticisms please feel free to express them. I'm interested in all comment as part of the learning process.

Right now, the illness having been generally useful despite its unique temptations in distracting my attention, I am way better but lack the energy & concentration to do very much. Boredom is once again my enemy on another Sunday afternoon. It seems a little easier this long after having properly used but I still have a psychological war to wage. Yeah, everything seems way too quiet & I keep thinking about Primal Scream Therapy!

 

[ethnobot781]

Things are difficult today. Both tired and restless which is a horrible combination especially in my legs. I could really use a cigarette to help wake me up but it just isn't worth how much I'd kick myself later *sigh* Not nearly so tempted by the other substances I quit. Nicotine is really evil to get rid of. Worse psychological addiction than many so-called "hard" drugs in my view even if the physical WDs are never too bad. Trying to think of stuff to do that isn't too demanding. Next I think I'll do like I posted on the pets thread & go looking for a suitable picture of my kitties. That would be cool as no-one on here has seen them I don't think. I didn't have them until after I joined the site & I never got around to posting pictures. Remedying that should be a pleasant enough way to spend another 10 minutes or more.

 

[LundiMusic]

It sounds to me like you are doing great!
I cant believe you had Nitrazepam readily available and did not use it for so long, that to me suggests incredible mental strength, but then my mind see's benzos as a cure for everything.
Im sure you know this one already but exercise is always number one for me during any withdrawl, even though its very difficult to push yourself to start, it is one of the most effective ways of getting your brain back into the practice of naturally releasing endorphins again, however, this is the first thread i have read by you and so I dont know if exercise is an option...

Best of luck to ya, I will keep coming back to see how you are doing

MG

 

[ethnobot781]

I cant believe you had Nitrazepam readily available and did not use it for so long, that to me suggests incredible mental strength, but then my mind see's benzos as a cure for everything.

Yeah it has been bloody difficult. But Even though my brain fools me in to thinking that even mildly euphoric downers like nitrazepam is for me are some kind of universal ambrosial nectar, I know they cloud my thinking and make me dumber. I so did not want to get re-hooked on benzos after a long tolerance break. That would suck when I'm trying to get as clean as possible. I very nearly threw them out but I knew my doctor wouldn't give me another week's dosage until next month (that's the deal I struck with him when I went back on them for my insomnia a while ago - I get 7 doses every 28 days maximum & then I only use a dose if I get desperate). Most of the time I don't need the 7 doses every month in any case but I can use that many if I feel the need. I wanted to have the option remaining if I got properly desperate for sleep. I did too so I reckon I did the right thing. I used the tablets for bad insomnia rather than recreationally abusing them or taking them for anxiolytic and/or muscle relaxant properties (for which you are not meant to use nitrazepam).

Allowing myself therapeutic use of psychoactives that I've actually been prescribed has definitely made things harder due to having the medication hanging around as a constant reminder, even when I didn't have to use it. But especially when it has come to pain relief it has also made things easier 'cause using a little bit like I am supposed to has really helped keep the pain in check. As I said at the start:

Those of you who remember some of my posts from long ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth, may know that this is going to be complicated for me by medical issues most relevantly chronic pain.

And it has really been a complication, calling for extra firm resolve & like you said mental toughness.

Im sure you know this one already but exercise is always number one for me during any withdrawl, even though its very difficult to push yourself to start, it is one of the most effective ways of getting your brain back into the practice of naturally releasing endorphins again, however, this is the first thread i have read by you and so I dont know if exercise is an option...

Best of luck to ya, I will keep coming back to see how you are doing

Yeah i have to be careful not to overdo it but I'm supposed to take some exercise daily to help keep me mobile according to my physiotherapist. I have been sticking to that pretty much religiously since I started the experiment since I remembered a time in the past when I had to come off my tramadol with no withdrawal meds and exercise in little bits and pieces was the only thing that made me feel remotely human (I hypermetabolize tramadol as Imentioned above so coming off that was particularly hard for me, people find this hard to believe but it was worse than Morphine WDs! That's largely why I gradually phased out the trammies in favour of just slightly less effective dihydrocodeine which is much harder for me to get hooked on. I would have to do it on purpose whereas it sometimes feels like I can get hooked on trams just by looking at the packaging).

Thanks for your words of support also, I appreciate them

Peace, ethnobot

 

[herbavore]

Ethnobot, I am really impressed with your discipline. Being perhaps one of the most undisciplined people in the world, I am always curious as to how other people achieve this. Years ago I did quit cigarettes and I remember that I had to have endless distraction and that I simply ate (usually sweets) every time I craved a cigarette so basically I just replaced one bad habit with another; fortunately I was very young and didn't gain weight or develop any other health problems besides sugar addiction. Do you find yourself having to have lots of distractions? It almost sounds like the opposite--that you purposely focus on the cravings and face them rather than distracting yourself. I have been trying to do this more in my life in general (face things rather than mask them) and I never thought about applying this to habits I want to change. (I may not have addictions but I have plenty of bad habits!)

Congratulations on how well you are making this work. I know it isn't easy.