Am I fucked?
As of recently, I’ve been cutting down on my drug usage, particularly with ketamine and cocaine. I have been doing ketamine for about a year and a bit now. I was addicted for nearly that entire time period except for a two month frame during the summer where I temporarily quit. Since half the addiction was in the habit for me, I took up cocaine during that break, got addicted, and struggled with it up until a month or two ago.
Now, for the past few months, I’ve been having derealisation episodes that seem to be slowly getting worse. They are most noticeable at the end of the day, when I’m tired, but have also happened at any given time. I’ve experienced these episodes in the past before I started using drugs but it was a rare occurrence. Now it’s every night.
What exactly happens? Well, here’s a few examples. Occasionally, while talking to someone and looking at their face, my perception alters and I feel like I’m viewing them from a different angle, or they appear 2-D. Sometimes it looks like they are farther away than they actually are. If I look away, things go back to normal, but they can shift right back without warning. I’ve also seen hallucinations in my peripheral, such as seeing things displace themselves.
It also happens while I’m looking at my phone. It’s worse when I’m in the dark and can only see the phone screen. Recently I was lying in my bed and looking at something on my phone, and suddenly it seemed like I was looking at a giant screen from far away, like in a theatre. My body felt really light, and I kind of “zoned out” and was lost in the hallucination. I honestly felt like I was under the influence of dissociatives. I could still see the screen, but what was on it didn’t make proper sense. It was hard to read the words, as if they were jumbled up. I moved the screen with my finger and it made no difference. Eventually I tried to focus hard on the screen and was able to pull myself out of the state.
And every night, before I fall asleep, it happens. Even with my eyes closed in utter darkness, the blackness I see beneath my lids seems to shift. From a flat area, to a large open space, different sizes and plains. It’s kind of hard to explain. My body also feels different, like I’m floating on water.
I feel foggy a lot of the time, too. Just utterly out of it. My short term memory is also shot. Lately I’ve been getting distracted easily. I’ll go to do something, get distracted by something else, and completely forget what I was going to do. I sometimes forget where I’m going, where I am, and what I am supposed to be doing. I forget words occasionally, as well as simple phrases. I mix up my words when writing (for example, writing 'view' instead of 'few'). And sometimes when I’m speaking or writing, I wonder if what I’m saying makes sense.
I have been quite stressed and a little depressed for the past month or two and I’m wondering if that’s contributing. I did have a rather horrifying bad trip on mushrooms mid-December that affected me psychologically and I’m wondering if this has something to do with it.
I was also diagnosed with ADD when I was 10 years old and have been taking medication since I was 15 (18 now). I know that perhaps some of this derealisation could be a symptom, but, like I said, it’s a lot worse than I ever remember.
So what’s going on? Why is this happening? Will it go away?
I didn't think that my abuse was that severe compared to that of other people I know. Have I damaged by brain permanently.. is the bad news finally in?
As of recently, I’ve been cutting down on my drug usage, particularly with ketamine and cocaine. I have been doing ketamine for about a year and a bit now. I was addicted for nearly that entire time period except for a two month frame during the summer where I temporarily quit. Since half the addiction was in the habit for me, I took up cocaine during that break, got addicted, and struggled with it up until a month or two ago.
Now, for the past few months, I’ve been having derealisation episodes that seem to be slowly getting worse. They are most noticeable at the end of the day, when I’m tired, but have also happened at any given time. I’ve experienced these episodes in the past before I started using drugs but it was a rare occurrence. Now it’s every night.
What exactly happens? Well, here’s a few examples. Occasionally, while talking to someone and looking at their face, my perception alters and I feel like I’m viewing them from a different angle, or they appear 2-D. Sometimes it looks like they are farther away than they actually are. If I look away, things go back to normal, but they can shift right back without warning. I’ve also seen hallucinations in my peripheral, such as seeing things displace themselves.
It also happens while I’m looking at my phone. It’s worse when I’m in the dark and can only see the phone screen. Recently I was lying in my bed and looking at something on my phone, and suddenly it seemed like I was looking at a giant screen from far away, like in a theatre. My body felt really light, and I kind of “zoned out” and was lost in the hallucination. I honestly felt like I was under the influence of dissociatives. I could still see the screen, but what was on it didn’t make proper sense. It was hard to read the words, as if they were jumbled up. I moved the screen with my finger and it made no difference. Eventually I tried to focus hard on the screen and was able to pull myself out of the state.
And every night, before I fall asleep, it happens. Even with my eyes closed in utter darkness, the blackness I see beneath my lids seems to shift. From a flat area, to a large open space, different sizes and plains. It’s kind of hard to explain. My body also feels different, like I’m floating on water.
I feel foggy a lot of the time, too. Just utterly out of it. My short term memory is also shot. Lately I’ve been getting distracted easily. I’ll go to do something, get distracted by something else, and completely forget what I was going to do. I sometimes forget where I’m going, where I am, and what I am supposed to be doing. I forget words occasionally, as well as simple phrases. I mix up my words when writing (for example, writing 'view' instead of 'few'). And sometimes when I’m speaking or writing, I wonder if what I’m saying makes sense.
I have been quite stressed and a little depressed for the past month or two and I’m wondering if that’s contributing. I did have a rather horrifying bad trip on mushrooms mid-December that affected me psychologically and I’m wondering if this has something to do with it.
I was also diagnosed with ADD when I was 10 years old and have been taking medication since I was 15 (18 now). I know that perhaps some of this derealisation could be a symptom, but, like I said, it’s a lot worse than I ever remember.
So what’s going on? Why is this happening? Will it go away?
I didn't think that my abuse was that severe compared to that of other people I know. Have I damaged by brain permanently.. is the bad news finally in?
