What do you do with guilt?

[Asclepius]

Thank you.That is a very good reminder. I think that one of the central struggles of parenthood is the immediate feeling of total responsibility that happens (sensibly) at the birth but turns into something not so sensible as we continue to believe that we can control outcomes in another person's life, albeit our child. Yes, I totally think that thinking about control is a good path to wander down.



Yes, an irony in this is that the one person that I know would take full responsibility for an overdose is Caleb himself. He was a very open and honest addict! He often talked about the risks of what he was doing.

Ascleplus and Secret, thank you both for your kind words. Secret, I am sorry for your loss as well.

 

[n3ophy7e]

This is a good thread, thank you herbavore

And thank you to everyone who has shared your experiences with feelings of guilt


To me, guilt is in the same category of emotions as regret. They are two such counterproductive emotions and can stall one's progress and healing so much, but they can be so powerful and consuming.

I think mebalzitch summed it up nicely, and I agree that is sometimes the only way you can deal with guilt. Nicely put

 

[Sepher]

Guilt can be useful sometimes I think Herbavore. It's an indication that there are things we've done wrong and a suggestion that we should try to put things right. It's ok so long as you're able to use it, and focus it in way that's productive. That's how we get rid of it in the end, or at least lessen the burden of it, isn't it? Putting it to use. It's when we're not able to give expression to it in a way that leaves it festering away, eating us up from the inside that it becomes a problem.

I'm constantly racked by guilt, for my failings and failures, for the things I've done, and the things I've left undone; for the throwing all the advantages and life lessons my mother worked so damned hard as a single parent to give me right back in her face ((( I suspect Caleb was perhaps something a bit like me to an extent? I was wilfully obstinate, over-confident in my own abilities to manage my Heroin use safely, thought I knew everything, and my mam could tell me nothing, at least not things I didn't want to hear anyways ))); for introducing my sister to the boyfriend who'd get her hooked on Heroin and turn her into a thief in and out of jail for the best part of 20 years; for letting the uncle who never had kids, but did his damnedest to be a surrogate father to us after my own dad died when I was 9 die an excruciatingly lingering death without properly getting the chance to tell him how much I loved and thanked and respected him because I was too busy being dope sick waiting for a dealer to drop as he passed away. There are some things I'll never be able to put right cos those I could seek forgiveness from are no longer here, and I must carry that with me. Of those close to me who are left, I've been forgiven for the hurt I've caused them, but self-forgiveness is harder to come by. All I can do I think is try to move forward and learn from my past mistakes, in the hope of not repeating them. So long as I'm making a conscious effort to do that, I can carry the guilt I can't get rid of, and it's ok.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss btw. I won't patronise you with platitudes about how I understand how you feel, cos I don't. Seems to me though from the little I've seen that you are putting your experiences to use, sharing your loss in the hope that others will learn from it. That's valuable. I hope you take comfort from it. You should.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Here is the vision for me: My son lost his life because I failed him as a mother. I failed to equip him with the internal tools he would need to face the pain in life. I failed to protect him from the pain in life. I failed to do what every parent is charged with doing: protecting my child.

That's just not true. I knew Caleb. I could say those things about my own mother, but I know Caleb would never say that about you.

I know that guilt is unavoidable at times, but don't let it delude you into thinking you weren't a good mom. You were.

My 2 cents; here's what I do with guilt. I don't let it bring me down, I just think about the ways I can atone for what I've done.

In your situation... you don't feel guilty because you did something wrong, but because you feel like you COULD have done something to prevent something awful from happening.

So if anything, I'd look at it this way. Caleb was a drug user. I don't want to get into the specifics, but think about it this way. Drug users face a lot in their lives, in their strives to get high and still live. If you had spare money (I know a lot of people are monetarily poor off at the moment) - donate it to a privately funded needle exchange. Here in Los Angeles, there's Homeless Healthcare Los Angeles. They provide many services other than needle exchange, including paying a doctor to take care of people's health care who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford any health care whatsoever, providing services for detoxification, providing housing, clothing, and food if needed, etc.

These sorts of programs could really use the help as the one I mentioned is entirely privately funded. The county, state, and country give them no money and I think it's horrible they don't get any $ from the governments.

I know not all IDU's go to needle exchanges, but I would think there would be more IDU's going to more needle exchanges if they were publicly funded.

This is just one suggestion however, and I know you may not like the idea, but they help everyone in a community, especially police officers and people who work in the medical professional by reducing accidental needle stick injuries and reducing HIV/Hep B/C transmissions in people who are accidentally stuck with a used needle.

Moreover, lowering HIV/Hep transmission rates in the community will make it a safer community for everyone. I know you still have children, and those children will likely have their own children over time. I know as people grow up and become sexually active, this isn't something they think about, but even if they aren't sleeping with people who inject drugs, they could be sleeping with people who have.

In this sort of sense, funding needle exchanges effects everyone - those who use drugs, injection or not, as well as non-drug users.

Before you know it, there will be many people who will be directly benefiting from the donation; people who wouldn't have services otherwise, people who could have HIV/AIDS, or Hep B/C if it wasn't for you.

 

[herbavore]

@Sepher--thank you so much for sharing your story and for your kind words.

@CaptainHeroin--thank you, too. Unfortunately, we don't have money but if by some miracle we ever do, I know my husband and I both would give it to a local organization here that has a needle exchange, feeds people and otherwise tries to make their lives easier. I have to do non-monetary giving but I think it feels better to me anyway

 

[Tude]

I bottle it up. I'm my own island.

 

[swmo]

guilt has no home herePERIOD.

 

[herbavore]

^I seem to have lost my inner BOLDCAPS.....

 

[Hardcoreprawn]

I agree with others that guilt can be devastating if not viewed as an indicator. I suspect guilt plays a large part in my own addictions. Sometimes you think you're being altruistic by blaming yourself, protecting others etc...Ultimately you are only harming yourself ad everyone else. I think guilt is self-destructive but very hard to get out of that circle once you're in it.

 

[badfish45]

Here is the vision for me: My son lost his life because I failed him as a mother. I failed to equip him with the internal tools he would need to face the pain in life. I failed to protect him from the pain in life. I failed to do what every parent is charged with doing: protecting my child.

No. Guilt is taking the burden for something you feel you can't forgive yourself for. Herbavore, you are an amazing person and an amazing mother, and you should be able to take your own words into account. Imagine how you felt when you stood up there and talked about guilt, imagine how you wanted your words to make them feel, to relieve them of this guilt that burdened them over calebs death.

Only so much influence comes from a mother. I can tell you this coming from a teenager, what my parents have done for me have only affected me so much. There does come a point where the freewill of a person will override their "conditioning". You did not fail your son. He failed himself, and I'm sure he knew it when he noticed how bad he was struggling. Now, I don't know this, as I do not know the full story of Caleb. I can only imagine the pain that you go through each day, and I can only imagine the pain he went through until his death.

There isn't much wrong with guilt. It's crippling, and it becomes a problem when people begin to hold onto it, because then they decide to never learn the source of this guilt, and in some cases, there is no rational source of it. But don't beat yourself up over this. You've seen what it's done to ME. There are so many factors and underlying problems to begin with when an addiction forms, and there is no way you can possibly put all the blame on anything, especially yourself. All I can do is assure that you are a wonderful person and a wonderful mother, and don't be doing this to yourself, please Do what captain heroin said, I'd say that's a better idea than I could ever come up with.

 

[Dave]

I take back what I said earlier: I'm way out of my depth here. The stories that have already been told are incredibly humbling, and I must say that I have a lot of respect for those who have shared thus far. Let's just say that I don't deal well with guilt, and am amazed at how well many of you are able to work through it.

badfish: you are wise beyond my years.

 

[effie]

Indeed. I do have guilt for sure, about my boyfriend and what I feel I could/should have done.. but these stories have been amazing. Badfish, your post is incredible

 

[Es mum]

guilt...
no details here. i will just say that i facilitated the death of my best friend. Sure, his choices, but I made the options available.
so how do I deal with it? i crush it up into a tight little package, and find a place where i can carry it without too much trouble. every once in a while it gets too heavy, too big, so i take it out and swim in it a while, splash around a bit, hope i knock enough out to get it back down to size where i can bear it again. it will never go away.

So well said. Exactly what i do. If only it would get so small that it wasn't around anymore it would be great, if only....

 

[OverDone]

I have a lot of guilt but I'm getting better at dealing with it.

It comes down to the actions that precipitate the guilt and the way I feel after. I recognize that nothing can be done to retract anything that I have done but I can certainly refrain from engaging in that behavior again. (I just don't want to feel those feelings of remorse/regret/pain again)

Its not easy, though. The comfort of the familiar (for good or bad) is always my first response as opposed to the discomfort of trying something different.

This life... bah! I guess its just one giant classroom

 

[herbavore]

This life... bah! I guess its just one giant classroom

yeah, I'm going to change my resumé to read: Education: Masters of Science from the School of Hard Knocks, Planet Earth.

Update since starting this thread: I am now treating the self-generated voices of blame in my head like I treat my coworker's diatribes against Occupy Wall Street--I politely disagree and then shut my ears until her mouth stops moving. In the case of my own voices, I just have to say, "You again, eh?" and then move on with my day. Harder at night but the present deserves my attention much more than the past atm.

 

[Ninae]

I disagree with the blaming of yourself. I had the most ideal mother who was a real angel and never did anything wrong that I'm aware of, but I still got into all kinds of mischief, just by choice. Please don't feel responsible for the moral character of someone else or blame yourself for what they have done. Of course you could say if you had been different he might not have turned out that way, but he still might have done - there must be many here whose parents were never into drugs.

As for feelings of guilt, this is something drugs take care of for most people, though this is also one of the problems of it. It takes away all negative emotions, even guilt. I guess that is how some drug users can live with the things they do to get illegal drugs.

 

[badfish45]

Good job herbavore Im glad that you've foubd out those voices arent the truth. Nor are your coworkers

 

[skillz~4~thrillz]

herbavore...great thread. 1st off-I love you more than you can know. Now-onto the topic at hand.

My therapist once told me(and I am paraphrasing)-guilt is a false emotion that we allow bc we feel we have let down some image that we have of ourselves-who we are,what we do and most of all what we SHOULD have/could have done.
A bit confusing I know. It took me close to a year to really understand what she was trying to convey.(next time I see her i will write it down and post it verbatim-it will make more sense). Basically,guilt is an emotion that is nothing but poison. Like an addict's inner voice telling then that this high will make it all better. It is farce-and it is dangerous.

Knowing Caleb personally I can tell you that you raised an AMAZING young man. His death was a result of HIS decisions. All of us are responsible for our own choices,the repercussions,how we react and what we do next. unfortunately,all but the 1st one do not apply to Caleb.

Your guilt is what defines you...you must make peace with life-that life is suffering. think all of us here in TDS know that the hard times far outweigh the easy times. Caleb made a choice and bc he was given something he was not aware of what it really was,he was taken from you and your family-from his friend-and from his family here...It is a shitty,fucked up thing and my heart hurts daily as I ALWAYS think of him,you and your family.

I am not religious either,but I am very spiritual. I also believe in science.
"Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another." ~Einstein

We are energy,and I believe the moment Caleb passed,his energy-that positive energy of a beautiful soul went out into the world,into the Universe and is now apart of us all. That is my personal belief after having been clinically dead twice after my accident(I won't go into it but will happily share with you-or anyone-should you like to know).

Basically,guilt is a useless emotion. It is full of negativity which only breeds more negativity and there is enough of that in this world already.
Whenever I start to feel guilt creep up,I remind myself that the past is the past-I may feel remorse,when apropos,but that is the extent. Life is what we make of it. It is what we do with the hand we are dealt,and the dealer is not going anywhere. Life is about loving yourself,accepting who you are,learning from the past,doing the next right thing,and keeping alive those whose still dance around us,unseen but felt-alive in our hearts forever.

I don't know if this is what you were looking for,it is just what my heart has compelled my fingers to type.
Find solace in the lives that Caleb touched-the lives he changed. The fact that in his passing,he brought you to us and that YOU have not only continued his mission-you have started your own. you have become a cornerstone in the Bluelight community as a whole. You are the kindest,most caring,selfless,genuine,amazing person I have had the pleasure to meet here. And those feelings I felt for Caleb as well only prove that his spirit is your spirit too. You are so loved and admired and important and respected and treasured. I could go on and on,but I hope you get the gist.

take your guilt...write it down on paper...take it out side...burn it...and as the smoke rises,let the guilt that you felt disappear like the paper that is burning,and finally is gone,leaving nothing but ashes that will fly away courtesy of the wind...and perhaps with a push from Caleb,his energy summoning the breeze that will carry your guilt away.

I love you-more than words can say.

MUCH peace,love,healing and release.......................................skillz

 

[herbavore]

^You always make me cry--in a good way!

take your guilt...write it down on paper...take it out side...burn it...and as the smoke rises,let the guilt that you felt disappear like the paper that is burning,and finally is gone,leaving nothing but ashes that will fly away courtesy of the wind...and perhaps with a push from Caleb,his energy summoning the breeze that will carry your guilt away.

and you are psychic. I did just that about two weeks ago.

 

[fivelinefury]

Like most things, all my guilt just turns into more anxiety and depression