lol, now that I'm a bit older I kinda wish I hadn't done so many drugs during my formative years. I feel old and fucked in the head, when I should feel young and full of energy. Haha, I even have gray hairs and I'm not yet 24. Feels like my soul is tired,TBH, need a break.
Agreed, I had just turned 17 when I had that first roll. It was starting weed at 13 that was the worst for me though; it contributed to my social anxiety and precipitated a lot of problems I didn't have before that. To this day I don't smoke weed due to the anxiety it produces.
Man, I'm 24 in 5 days bro, physically I feel like I'm 30+, psychologically/emotionally its hard to guage. In some ways I feel overly intelligent and wise for my age (my peers being my reference point). This is bad because of the gulf it produces, it'd be good if more people around me were in a similar situation. That way I would have people my age I could connect with on a higher level. Well, come to think of it, that's why I spend so much time on Bluelight. It'd be nice to have that IRL though.
With life being a system of many parts I neglect my body a lot. I'm aware of the shape I'm in but I'm too lazy to 'work out'. I've never been one for going to a gym or running for no reason. In grade school I used to play pick-up sports in the school yard, and that's likely the healthiest I've ever been, without having to work at it.
Either way I have to think of something to use my muscles. Hanging around by myself reading stuff, doing school work, typing on Bluelight, and doing drugs is going to catch up with me. I need to get physical, and soon.
Taking benzos regularly is also surely not good for muscles. I also have a hard time getting the motivation to do work without amphetamine, which then reuires a benzo to negate the hypervigilance (which I already have while sober). Lately I've actually been unable to not use drugs. I've been on a constant circulating cocktail (depending on the time of day) for a while. Although the doses aren't large, they're not as small as they used to be. I'm taking double what I was 3 months ago for the same effect.
Even today after last night's stimulant crash and burn I needed 10+10 of amp to do 2 measly hours of work. And just now took some diazepam, diphenhydramine, and melatonin to get to sleep. Sometimes when you look in the mirror and look at how much the liquid in the vial has gone down, you re-evaluate things. Quitting the stuff right now is super hard because with the exam workload I can't be withdrawing. On the one hand I am going to try to get some exercise, there's no reason I can't do that.
When the situation allows, I'll wean off the junk.
Damn Rog, your post about feeling older than you are got to me man. I'm balding like hell BTW. The end of my front hairline in the two arches above the temples is about in line with the front of my ears. A lot is genetics but I can't help but wonder if the skinny, strung out, hypervigilant, anxious stress case has something to do with it.
In general I feel like I'm aging way too fast.
I craved yesterday.
