So SAD....

[roxyoxyhydro]

If I am in the wrong place please move this, or let me know.....

Anyway.... I have never been so sad, or hurt, never. My husband and I both have addictions to opiates. He is a horrible alcoholic, he never used to be. When I say horrible I'm talking about a bottle a night (5 hours at most).

Sunday night he got mad (after a few hours of him "power drinking"/ binge drinking). He cut the tip of my finger almost off!!! I was standing in the kitchen eating after reheating a slice of pizza. He decided he needed to knock the plate out of my hand, it broke, it sliced the tip of my finger in half. My aunt took me to the ER. I only needed 4 stitches.

His question to me today is "Tell me why I should stay"... I have no answer to this. We have 3 young kiddos, aged 4-11. I know on one hand I don't want them to ever see this again. On the other hand I don't want them to think it is ok to treat somebody like this (2 of them are boys aged 4, and 6, my daughter is 11 she shouldn't think women deserve this)

My main problem is this.... I still love him, I love who he used to be. I miss him. He wants a reason to stay. At the moment I am so hurt I don't know what to say. Long term I don't think he will change. He has gone to alcohol detox twice, and rehab once.

I work on appointments, I didn't even take any today... I don't think I have ever cried so much. Not even when my dad died 6 years ago. I stil;l love my husband... I'm so lost, hurt, confused, and sad...

Thanks for listening.... I am so sad. I don't want to loose him. I just want the guy I fell in love with back.

 

[rangrz]

That is horrible! I can not say I would advise you to stay. No one whom claims they love someone will attempt to amputate part of their lovers body! That is an expression of hatred and cruelty, not of love.

I would explain to your kids that it is wrong to do that to someone and that they should not do something like that to someone nor accept it if done to them.

I offer you the proverbial internet hug and I hope you can resolve your problem!

 

[roxyoxyhydro]

Thank you, I am so afraid to leave... No insurance, will have to move the kids to a new school... etc.... I don't think I mentioned he woke our daughter up to clean the blood off the floor.

We also have 2 dogs, and 2 cats. I know it might sound silly to some people. But, I can't leave them here with him. I know he wouldn't feed them, or I am afraid he would do worse to them.

I appreciate any response I don't have many friends anymore. Again mostly his fault. They don't want to put up with who I bring along. He is like this always. He doesn't hold back because we are with other people

 

[Doomed2pain]

No one should have to deal with that. My ex had drink problems and was mentally abusive, he made me feel worthless. At times I'd have preferred it if he beat me if that makes sense?

Your kids shouldnt have to see that either,its not good for any of you. I know how you love him, I loved my ex but I needed out for my safety.

Do you not have anyone to help you through this? You need support.

So sorry you had to deal wit that. Pm if I can help in anyway I will.

 

[roxyoxyhydro]

No... It does make sense. I sometimes wish he would just hit me, and get it over with. Instead he prefers to tell our 4yr old to call me a douche bag fucker.

This is one of the first time he physically hurt me.

 

[rangrz]

He made your daughter clean up the blood? Fuckin! Rangrz has the urge to introduce him to the pointy end of a bayonet, but I digress.

You NEED to leave imo. For your safety and well being. Even if it means a shelter or the like.

 

[roxyoxyhydro]

I just need somebody to talk to. My mother works for an abusived women's shelter. I know most people would turn to her, but she can't even help... they have restrictions on "family"

 

[stellablue]

What do you do for a living? I know you said you work by appointment. The reason I ask, is because maybe you could save some money up to leave.
Do you have any family that would help? I am not sure about Las Vegas's laws on abuse but have you ever thought of pressing charges on the abuse. So when you can get away you could take him to court and get alimony and child support. He would have to leave and you could get the house. I am going to do some checking on the laws where you are.
Would your aunt be a witness for you about the abuse?

Here is a link to some laws in Las Vagas. I will see what else I can find.
http://www.lasvegasnevada.gov/information/659.htm

You need to get out before he hurts you worse or your kids.

 

[roxyoxyhydro]

Thank you, I know I do. I just don't know where to go. Or what to do. He will fight me for the kids, and with them being so young, and no police reports. I am so scared



I am a dog groomer. He works for a very well known family run business (big box type of company). I don't want him to loose his job. OH GOD I have become that women. I am making excuses

 

[stellablue]

^ No you just need to get out. He could hurt you or your kids next. You think its bad now, what if the next person cleaning up blood is you and its one of your kids? I am all about saving a family but abuse is something that gets worse...I promise.

 

[stellablue]

Thank you, I know I do. I just don't know where to go. Or what to do. He will fight me for the kids, and with them being so young, and no police reports. I am so scared

^Report the abuse. Will your aunt back you up with what happened?

Sorry if my post above was harsh. I just would hate to see you or your kids get hurt worse then you have already.

*sending love to you from all of TDS*

 

[Doomed2pain]

You need to get out. Look into getting some support from a woman's shelter maybe? You and your kids don't deserve it, and it will continue to get worse. I didn't want my son around that, and it took a lot buti finally went through with it.

Hugs you poor lady

 

[cj]

You need to clear your inbox roxy this is my esponse to your pm I didnt want to lose it so Im just posting here feel free to continue PMing me.

First off I am definatly hear if you need someone to vent to or bounce ideas off of, I am not a professional and I can only tell you what I think in the end its totally up to you. But I gotta say I agree with everyone else in that thread you need to leave and take the kids with you. You should be looking into domestic violence shelters I know there are some around where I live they should be able to find or give you and the kids somewhere to live while you work to get on your feet. From my perspective it sounds like your home has become a toxic situation and you need to consider the phycological damage this may be doing to your kids waking up a child clean up mommys blood is so fucked up that I dont know quite what to say other then you need to make changes before its too late. But from reading your thread it sounds like you realize that you just need some extra confidence and support to do the right thing. But again I really urge you to seek proffesional help it out there to be had the first step would be the domestic violence shelter even if you dont move there I know they can put you into touch with other services that can help you make this change.

 

[badfish45]

Roxy, this sounds horrible, I am so sorry you had to see this. Feelings are still strong, and I'm not one to interfere with love life, but I do agree with rangrz. For your own safety you need to get away from him, at least for now. Try to get him some treatment, alcoholism changes people in horrible ways, and it's common to want to hold onto and remember who they used to be. And yes, him having your daughter clean up your blood is in my opinion very fucked up. It's going to take a lot of bravery, but for the safety of you and your kids you need to get away from him, and hopefully seek some professional support. Best wishes, and PM me if you ever need to talk

 

[herbavore]

Roxy, if your mom works for a shelter can she put you in contact with a legal advocate? By protecting your husband you risk having your children taken out of the home. Your husband should be the one to leave, not you and your kids and pets. Would a family intervention work to immediately convince him to do that? I understand the web that is holding you and everything in place. It is probably more complicated than you can even begin to post here. The bottom line is that your children are in danger and so are you. You cannot worry about your husband's life--only your own and your children's. Could you all stay at your mom's at least temporarily? Again, your husband needs to leave, not you. Why not demand that he do so and tell him that you will back it up with the police if you have to. He probably won't want to risk the consequences of that and may leave without you having to press charges etc.

 

[roxyoxyhydro]

I tlked with my mom today. As I said she works for an abused women's shelter (that wont allow her to take in family ???) She gave me the address & phone number to a Womens Develpoment center. They can help with a place to live if they have funding. I will have to move the kids to new schools.


That makes me sad for them. My daughter wants to run for student council, it's her first year of Jr. High. My son's 1st grade teacher was my daughter's 3rd grade teacher. My son is even friends with Mr. Billy the janitor. I will miss the families at the school. My daughter went from 1st-5th grade there. I guess what school they go to are the least of their problems


I still just want the man back, that I fell in love with. It makes me so sad, to watch him do this to himself, and us


Thank you all for your encouragement. I know what I need to do. It just takes a lot more strength then I feel I have right now.

 

[rangrz]

^

It is doing the things which you feel you lack the strength to do which make you strong. I felt too weak at times to fight in Afghanistan, but was forced to do so to stay alive. That made me a stronger person.

You have a vicious battle to be party to as well. Even though you feel weak, you must climb up the proverbial trench and over the paraphet and face your battle in order to protect yourself and your kids. It is difficult and terrifying, but I believe you can and *must* do it.

 

[herbavore]

Roxy, I know that you feel like you don't have the strength to do this but as Rangrz said, you have to find it somehow. Did you ask your mom about support for you staying in the house and him leaving? That is what I think you should be fighting for long term--then your kids don't have to change schools, you don't have to leave your animals etc. Just get out now for the short term but there is support for you if you want to stay.
I work in a grade school. If a child told the story about being told to call his mom a douche bag or having to get out of bed and clean up blood from a fight between her parents, I would be obligated by law to call Child Protective Services. That is why I think that you have to focus on you and your kids right now no matter how sad you feel over your husband. Worse than having to change schools would be having to go to foster care and change schools.

Do you have other family members that live in your area that would stand up with you to get him out of the house? I just re-read your post and read that your husband is asking why he should stay. Encourage him to go and then get someone in your family to stay with you in case he gets drunk and comes back. You need all the support you can get right now at this pivotal time.

 

[footscrazy]

I was in an abusive relationship in the past and I understand the conflicted feelings. You still have love for this person and there's probably times when you're very happy together. I know something that affected me too, was this huge desire I had for him to understand how much he'd hurt me. I was desperate for him to know that, and I found myself staying and trying to make him understand that, because I felt like he had to, because how was it fair I felt all this pain but he didn't care? There'd be times when he'd get so upset and tell me how much he'd fucked up and in a way I sort of needed that. It was so hard for me to finally make the decision that I had to go, even if he wouldn't give a fuck, and would never pay for all the fucked up shit he did, and never even feel bad.

In the end, when I decided to leave, the way I dealt with the conflicting feelings was to think - it's not my choice. The choice has been taken out of my hands, he's made it for me, by being such an abusive partner. There's nothing I can do about it, I have to leave him. I ended up packing up all my belongings and leaving my house when my ex was out, and escaping to a relatives. I changed my number too, and basically just disappeared, so he couldn't find me. It was a lot easier for me without kids though.

I would have to think that the trauma of growing up with a father who makes you clean up your mother's blood off the floor, that he spilled, or at 4 years old, being told to call the mother you love a douchebag, would be a million times worse than changing schools and moving. One is long term, really damaging and deep seated trauma, whilst changing schools is a situational thing that should leave no scars after they've settled down in their new environment.

As for pressing charges or getting a restraining order or things like that, I think that legal action works on a certain group of people only. It seems these actions are more likely to work on people with something to lose. My ex was a criminal so a restraining order would work fuck all on him, he would break it like every other law in the country. Since your man has what sounds like a good job, he may have more reason to obey something like this. Whether he will obey it is a question I think you need to ask though, because in the end it's only a threat and a piece of paper, and it wont protect you unless this guy will actually follow it.

And considering that, be really careful. Your guy has already proved he can be violent. Leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time for you. I would lean towards not staying in your place, and disappearing like I did, to be safe. My ex nearly killed me once and I have no doubt it was a possible outcome to my situation. Do what is safest for you and your kids, and I would really recommend leaving your current house if you have even the slightest doubt whether he will come back and hurt you.

 

[jmax2]

Thank you, I am so afraid to leave... No insurance, will have to move the kids to a new school... etc.... I don't think I mentioned he woke our daughter up to clean the blood off the floor.

We also have 2 dogs, and 2 cats. I know it might sound silly to some people. But, I can't leave them here with him. I know he wouldn't feed them, or I am afraid he would do worse to them.

I appreciate any response I don't have many friends anymore. Again mostly his fault. They don't want to put up with who I bring along. He is like this always. He doesn't hold back because we are with other people

Very commendable with how humans are to animals today!