@Van: I've not taken wellbutrin, so I can't really comment, but I have heard that it is apparently a fairly stimulating antidepressant. It's been a while, but IIRC there's some significant SNRI and SDRI activity, which would both likely give a stimulating sensation. Caffeine acts in a different manner, but the two stimulating effects would likely be additive, and possibly synergistic.
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Yeah, Wellbutrin is quite stimulating. Coupled with caffeine, yep, it can be quite "speedy"!
What time of the day are you taking the Wellbutrin?? I find that if I take it any time after midday I have difficulty sleeping that night. Maybe you could take your Wellbutrin a bit earlier, in the morning?
tela, I'm really glad this thread has helped you
Where are you at with your depression right now? I hope all is well for you 
dilated_pupils
Bluelighter
Maybe you should take note on what medications you've been on and do some research on something that is different from the norm. SSRI's really screwed me up as a child into my teenage years, but I realized that I needed a different kind of medicine (in fact lamictal helped me for a while). Check out triple-reuptake-inhibitors (SNDRI's) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple_reuptake_inhibitor and work your way around reading up on the different medications and see if anything sticks out to you.
-dp
VanWeyden
Bluelighter
I take the wellbutrin in the morning immediately after breakfast. And as long as i keep my coffee consumption low i have absolutely no sleeping problems.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
i just worked out over the past 2 weeks i've been spending over 14 hours a day attempting to sleep and rarely getting more than 5 hours.
i am completely losing the plot. have done no work during this period and have a big deadline coming up. i have been getting strong suicidal urges and urges to do pretty much every bad thing i can possibly do to myself. i am getting increasing anxiety about even leaving the house because i simply cannot remain composed. i am sitting here in my office fucking hiding the fact i'm crying through my hair. i have a meeting with my care coordinator in 20 mins and i don't know what to do. i just want to feel not tired anymore. everything is slipping through my grasp and i can't even care cos i'm so braindead that i can't really comprehend anything anymore, and i don't care about anything anymore, i just want to not be tired for 1 minute.
i am completely losing the plot. have done no work during this period and have a big deadline coming up. i have been getting strong suicidal urges and urges to do pretty much every bad thing i can possibly do to myself. i am getting increasing anxiety about even leaving the house because i simply cannot remain composed. i am sitting here in my office fucking hiding the fact i'm crying through my hair. i have a meeting with my care coordinator in 20 mins and i don't know what to do. i just want to feel not tired anymore. everything is slipping through my grasp and i can't even care cos i'm so braindead that i can't really comprehend anything anymore, and i don't care about anything anymore, i just want to not be tired for 1 minute.
^Chinup
Is there anyone you can talk to about this hun.? I swear when I read your posts sometimes I feel like Im reading about myself. If the self-sabotage is taking over you need to reach out to someone to help you with it(someone trustworthy), dealing with it on your own is only going to fuel it- you dont need that torture. Dont leave yourself in an impossible situation-I understand you dont want anyone to see this and feel incompotent but it is only as much of a setback as it is now. If you face this now, get some help and dont let shame hold you back things will only improve from where they are at this moment. Is there any help at college etc that you can get? Keep in mind Chinup that you are one in a million of people who go through this...the world hasnt ended though it feels tht way atm and you need help with dealing with sleep issues and any others before you can move on with this. Feel free to pm me, if you want.
I really liked that blog post Dave! ...and it definitely makes alot of realistic sense to me and to what I've encountered with some other people.
It's amazing how given the right enviroment or situation people can thrive(and this is different for everyone).
I think everyone needs to discover and experience situations where they can shine; just by being themselves and using their own abilities/'gifts'. Recognising what we need and then moving forward toward having that aknowledged and respected in some area of life is SO important.
Sublimating our passions into something that is going to work and be cathartic in our life is our right. Sublimation DOESNT involve repression nor does it require being over-rective OR being 'perfect'. It is accepting who you are, flaws and all and with respect to that, transmuting passions into areas of life that require it and will facillitate it whatever and whoever they are at any given time.
Question: Does anyone on here have experience of Lexapro? (positive and/negative).
Is there anyone you can talk to about this hun.? I swear when I read your posts sometimes I feel like Im reading about myself. If the self-sabotage is taking over you need to reach out to someone to help you with it(someone trustworthy), dealing with it on your own is only going to fuel it- you dont need that torture. Dont leave yourself in an impossible situation-I understand you dont want anyone to see this and feel incompotent but it is only as much of a setback as it is now. If you face this now, get some help and dont let shame hold you back things will only improve from where they are at this moment. Is there any help at college etc that you can get? Keep in mind Chinup that you are one in a million of people who go through this...the world hasnt ended though it feels tht way atm and you need help with dealing with sleep issues and any others before you can move on with this. Feel free to pm me, if you want.
I really liked that blog post Dave! ...and it definitely makes alot of realistic sense to me and to what I've encountered with some other people.
It's amazing how given the right enviroment or situation people can thrive(and this is different for everyone).
I think everyone needs to discover and experience situations where they can shine; just by being themselves and using their own abilities/'gifts'. Recognising what we need and then moving forward toward having that aknowledged and respected in some area of life is SO important.
Sublimating our passions into something that is going to work and be cathartic in our life is our right. Sublimation DOESNT involve repression nor does it require being over-rective OR being 'perfect'. It is accepting who you are, flaws and all and with respect to that, transmuting passions into areas of life that require it and will facillitate it whatever and whoever they are at any given time.
~Sri Sathya Sai Baba
Question: Does anyone on here have experience of Lexapro? (positive and/negative).
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Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
thank you asclepius. i know i need to reach out. i am already in the care of the leeds mental health ppl. i'm not sure who else there is. thats how i end up posting on forums. there is not one person close to me who i think wouldn't find another massive mental outpouring of negativity/watever crossing some sort of line. this is prob because my most important relationship is now somewhat on the line due to my fairly constant problems. i am trying to put in motion making it far more difficult for me to sabotage my course but it will take time.
but yes you're right there is more help i can get, and i know i'm not alone in feeling this way.
slept better-ish last night so am just gonna try and concentrate on work today to abate the overwhelming sense of panic i have about it.....
anyway thank you, and i hope you're ok.
no experience of lexapro i'm afraid.
though i have a UK question.... 3 times recently i've been asked by a medical professional if i am a danger to myself or others, each time i have lied 'no' out of fear of what happens if you say 'yes,' anyone got any clue what actually happens?
but yes you're right there is more help i can get, and i know i'm not alone in feeling this way.
slept better-ish last night so am just gonna try and concentrate on work today to abate the overwhelming sense of panic i have about it.....
anyway thank you, and i hope you're ok.
no experience of lexapro i'm afraid.
though i have a UK question.... 3 times recently i've been asked by a medical professional if i am a danger to myself or others, each time i have lied 'no' out of fear of what happens if you say 'yes,' anyone got any clue what actually happens?
^Hey hun, good luck with catching up on the work today. I also dont have anyone to share my personal, emotionl stuff with. So I get that sense of being completely overwhelmed and isolated with it.
I am so sorry to hear that you are worried about your relationship being in jepordy at the moment CU....I will just suggest one thing- start thinking about your own well being for the moment- it seems that you are trying to control everything and make things appear okay on the surface- Juggling this with the internal reality that you feel you are falling apart sounds really nightmarish.
You are obviously a very clever individual and can maintain a facade- this can sometimes be a curse disguised as a blessing.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Please dont neglect yourself; if you need to utilise as many support routes as possible please allow yourself- the more, the better. Dont constrict yourself to just relying on the system as they can only work within the confines of their own discipline and sometimes this can be outsmarted and allow the sabotage to continue unchallenged.
I understand that you are trying to maintain your work lfe and social roles but without any foundation underneath they can crumble - as you know.
Please take time to re-connect with yourself; through whatever ways you can.
Do you mind me asking what kinda treatment you're getting? I mean on a personal level, looking for a Psychotherapist who practices DBT may help deal with things. Sometimes Docters and Psychiatrists can be very 'clinical-rational' in their approach and not everyone responds to that kind of care, on its own, well.
Emotional health and Mental health can be very divided within the system here, in my experience. I am concerned that emotionally you are not getting all the proper help you need.
Just my 2c
I dont know what happens but I assume that they would legally, be bound to take some measures as you are under their care. It is an issue of the health system being legally responsible for someone who is at high risk of killing/injuring themselves or others. Really dont know any more than that. I would ask them-It is your right to know this as an adult, you are not a puppet.
I am so sorry to hear that you are worried about your relationship being in jepordy at the moment CU....I will just suggest one thing- start thinking about your own well being for the moment- it seems that you are trying to control everything and make things appear okay on the surface- Juggling this with the internal reality that you feel you are falling apart sounds really nightmarish.
You are obviously a very clever individual and can maintain a facade- this can sometimes be a curse disguised as a blessing.
Please dont neglect yourself; if you need to utilise as many support routes as possible please allow yourself- the more, the better. Dont constrict yourself to just relying on the system as they can only work within the confines of their own discipline and sometimes this can be outsmarted and allow the sabotage to continue unchallenged.
I understand that you are trying to maintain your work lfe and social roles but without any foundation underneath they can crumble - as you know.
Please take time to re-connect with yourself; through whatever ways you can.
Do you mind me asking what kinda treatment you're getting? I mean on a personal level, looking for a Psychotherapist who practices DBT may help deal with things. Sometimes Docters and Psychiatrists can be very 'clinical-rational' in their approach and not everyone responds to that kind of care, on its own, well.
Emotional health and Mental health can be very divided within the system here, in my experience. I am concerned that emotionally you are not getting all the proper help you need.
Just my 2c
I dont know what happens but I assume that they would legally, be bound to take some measures as you are under their care. It is an issue of the health system being legally responsible for someone who is at high risk of killing/injuring themselves or others. Really dont know any more than that. I would ask them-It is your right to know this as an adult, you are not a puppet.
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Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
hey, thank you. argh yeah i know i need to look after my own wellbeing atm. thats why i'm not beating myself up about takign so much time out these last few weeks cos of the sleep issues. but it has the flip side of making me feel even more paniced that i'm going to fail and i just don't think i could cope with failure. even though i know my definition or failure is warped, i thought by gettign all these academic acheivements i'd have something to point to in the outside world to prove that i'm not totally shit and worthless, that i can face challenges etc etc and i don't have a fallback plan to regain my sense of self esteem/self worth if this plan goes to shit.
but you are right, i really really need to work on myself. putting up a front is damage limitation in terms of the social problems associated with any mental illness but thats about it. a front with no foundation can indeed crumble at any time.
and haha yeah i am a bit of a control freak...
treatment wise- i am currently havin weekly meetings with a social worker whilst i'm waiting for a CBT course. I am trying to feel positively about the CBT despite having had years of it before becoming the most ill i've ever been, as this time i do have some very specific thought patterns that i wish to address (namely fallback plan...). i was supposed to be having fortnightly GP appointments but stopped a while ago because I didn't see what they could do and yeah, i don't find their manner best suited to my problems.
thank you for the DBT suggestion- its funny because from what I read its developed for people with BPD. though i've never been diagnosed as such, everythign I read about it makes me think, thats me!
and yes, i should just ask!
thank you again, i really appreciate it.
but you are right, i really really need to work on myself. putting up a front is damage limitation in terms of the social problems associated with any mental illness but thats about it. a front with no foundation can indeed crumble at any time.
and haha yeah i am a bit of a control freak...
treatment wise- i am currently havin weekly meetings with a social worker whilst i'm waiting for a CBT course. I am trying to feel positively about the CBT despite having had years of it before becoming the most ill i've ever been, as this time i do have some very specific thought patterns that i wish to address (namely fallback plan...). i was supposed to be having fortnightly GP appointments but stopped a while ago because I didn't see what they could do and yeah, i don't find their manner best suited to my problems.
thank you for the DBT suggestion- its funny because from what I read its developed for people with BPD. though i've never been diagnosed as such, everythign I read about it makes me think, thats me!
and yes, i should just ask!
thank you again, i really appreciate it.
Chinup, love - I have more to say in response to your post but am v short on time - but I can answer this one. If you are a danger to yourself, they will put extra support in place. Home visits, extra appointments, speed things up. If they believe you are an immediate and severe risk of killing yourself, you will be admitted. They can only do that if all else has failed, however, and (believe it or not) they always choose the path which restricts freedom the least - so you are most likely to get crisis team involvement, or some other form of extra support.
Hang on there - I actually do believe CBT could help, from getting to know you on the board, but it's all about finding the right practitioner who can get you doing th right exercises so it clicks for you. I think that the situation with your boyfriend is having a huge impact too - it's a vicious circle I imagibe - you say things are bad between the two of you due to your problems, but I imagine it works the other way too..
Much
- you are a very smart, caring, wonderful girl with a lot going for you. Will write more later, got to dash!
dilated_pupils
Bluelighter
I definitely have had experience with just about every anti-depressant in my life (in different combo's) - SSRI's have always tended to screw me over very quickly. I did notice Lexapro helped me a bit at first, but it seemed to level out and not help anymore after a month/month 1/2.
Your best bet is giving it a shot (unless you've already given SSRI's a chance to help you) - in an above post I was talking about triple reuptake inhibitors, and I think that starting with research on them and working your way into what you see fits you (like the med list I have posted in the beginning of the thread) may work.
We tend to not give ourselves enough credit for the potential our brains have to see/sense what we need. Let me know if you have any specific questions, I can try and answer them.
-dp
@CU: No worries darlin!
^Thanks DP!
Have been only just put on them. Have been on so many SSRI's(bar lexapro) on and off during my life that I dont even remember half of the experiences anymore. I asked for alternatives but wasn't given any satisfactory response.
I have an idea about my problem but it seems Im not taken seriously by my Docter and the amount of therapy I can afford at the moment is limited to basic councelling/rehab(which Ive had already and isn't apt. as it did little to aid me toward getting any better the last time either. Am on a waiting list to see someone next year) .
Im seriously de-motivated about my situation TBH. Will probably have to get money/borrow from my family(which Is really not a good idea), if I am to get any help/Therapy . Just existing atm. Have alot of worry about how I am going to manage and get through study and other related situations.
It seems that they only hear the 'Depression' side of things and fail to hear any of the other issues that I have wanted to address(mood swings etc). So pissed of with the system. Dont have the energy to fight it anymore.
Ugh. sorry, bad day.
Will look into TRI's etc. Will pm you if anything more specific comes to mind. Thanks again.
^Thanks DP!
Have been only just put on them. Have been on so many SSRI's(bar lexapro) on and off during my life that I dont even remember half of the experiences anymore. I asked for alternatives but wasn't given any satisfactory response.
I have an idea about my problem but it seems Im not taken seriously by my Docter and the amount of therapy I can afford at the moment is limited to basic councelling/rehab(which Ive had already and isn't apt. as it did little to aid me toward getting any better the last time either. Am on a waiting list to see someone next year) .
Im seriously de-motivated about my situation TBH. Will probably have to get money/borrow from my family(which Is really not a good idea), if I am to get any help/Therapy . Just existing atm. Have alot of worry about how I am going to manage and get through study and other related situations.
It seems that they only hear the 'Depression' side of things and fail to hear any of the other issues that I have wanted to address(mood swings etc). So pissed of with the system. Dont have the energy to fight it anymore.
Ugh. sorry, bad day.
Will look into TRI's etc. Will pm you if anything more specific comes to mind. Thanks again.
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Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
If you are a danger to yourself, they will put extra support in place. Home visits, extra appointments, speed things up. If they believe you are an immediate and severe risk of killing yourself, you will be admitted.
...
Much
thanks very much- that is good to know! and thanks for the compliments. i hope you're getting on ok, all things considered.
Asclepius- good luck with the new meds. have had a similar frustration about them only wanting to treat depression. i guess part of it is because its so common, they don't have to do anything complicated/go out of their way to do anything. are there any local charities or anything attached to where you're studying who can at least offer you some counselling while you're on the waiting list? and do you have the option of getting a new doctor? it does really sound like they're not listening at all. getting doctors to listen is difficult at time though- in mine i had to argue my case to discuss both insomnia and nausea in one session (one session = one problem) by pointing out to them they both had the same underlying cause, they are almost encouraging misdiagnosis by not letting people give their entire story!
not feeling able to even move forward in a situation is very difficult. try not to let it get you down.
was feeling better over the weekend, my boyf came home for a few nights and we had a really nice time. i just have to be as nice as possible to him when he fully gets back. paying for it now, was really stupid and barely ate, and drank literally all the time i was awake and feel v drained. and stupid. have too much work to do to spend all day feeling like an about to puke zombie.
Asclepius: Sorry to hear you are having such a bad day. That is so rubbish about them not talking through alternatives with you or listening to what you are saying. Unfortunately often once you have a label, it sticks, and no one can see beyond it.. Let us know how the Lexapro goes!
I'm fairly new to this thread so I don't know the answer, but have you looked into CBT? Obviously it is best face to face, but there is a really good CBT book called "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert which I recommend -also a couple of websites (which I found kinda irritating at first, but did actually work - both written by psychiatrists) called MoodGym and Living Life to the Full..
Apologies if this has already been tried, I wanted to read back through the thread so I knew everyone's stories but got limited time on BL today!
Hang on in there. Things really will improve, I know you can't see it right now but that is how depression is - it blinds you to the possibility of hope. As chinup said, is there any possibility of getting a second opinion? Is there anything you can do yourself to feel like you are moving forwards a little? Even tiny baby steps.. anything at all that will help to make you feel like you are not just stuck..
chinup: Sorry I've not returned to post anything more yet - been settling back in to Bristol the past few days and has been a bit hectic!
I'm a big advocate of CBT as you might have noticed, hah. It doesn't always work for everyone though. Having said that, sometimes people just aren't in the right place for it to be able to work - so I would definitely give it another shot now. It took my boyfriend 3 courses of CBT before it worked at all, but when it did he went from being unable to leave the house to being a happy, confident person. He said the difference was having a therapist he trusted, and it finally clicking into place how goddam hard you have to work at it and how you need to be pacticing constantly (well, tapered up, haha) until your brain does it automatically.. It doesn't solve everything, certainly, but it is a good tool for negative thought patterns. I don't like the sound of your "fallback plan" at all and I am very glad you want to address that!
Don't beat yourself up about the weekend. It sounds like having a nice time with your boyfriend was exactly what you needed! Everyone needs to let their hair down sometimes, especially when they are going through a hard time. I hope you have managed to eat a little more since then.. and are popping plenty of vitamins etc
I hope you are both feeling a bit better now. You both deserve to be, anyway!
edit:
dp - I love this:
I'm fairly new to this thread so I don't know the answer, but have you looked into CBT? Obviously it is best face to face, but there is a really good CBT book called "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert which I recommend -also a couple of websites (which I found kinda irritating at first, but did actually work - both written by psychiatrists) called MoodGym and Living Life to the Full..
Apologies if this has already been tried, I wanted to read back through the thread so I knew everyone's stories but got limited time on BL today!
Hang on in there. Things really will improve, I know you can't see it right now but that is how depression is - it blinds you to the possibility of hope. As chinup said, is there any possibility of getting a second opinion?
Is there anything you can do yourself to feel like you are moving forwards a little? Even tiny baby steps.. anything at all that will help to make you feel like you are not just stuck..chinup: Sorry I've not returned to post anything more yet - been settling back in to Bristol the past few days and has been a bit hectic!
I'm a big advocate of CBT as you might have noticed, hah. It doesn't always work for everyone though. Having said that, sometimes people just aren't in the right place for it to be able to work - so I would definitely give it another shot now. It took my boyfriend 3 courses of CBT before it worked at all, but when it did he went from being unable to leave the house to being a happy, confident person. He said the difference was having a therapist he trusted, and it finally clicking into place how goddam hard you have to work at it and how you need to be pacticing constantly (well, tapered up, haha) until your brain does it automatically.. It doesn't solve everything, certainly, but it is a good tool for negative thought patterns. I don't like the sound of your "fallback plan" at all and I am very glad you want to address that!
Don't beat yourself up about the weekend. It sounds like having a nice time with your boyfriend was exactly what you needed! Everyone needs to let their hair down sometimes, especially when they are going through a hard time. I hope you have managed to eat a little more since then.. and are popping plenty of vitamins etc
I hope you are both feeling a bit better now. You both deserve to be, anyway!
edit:
dp - I love this:
@ ChinUp: Thanks pet...hope there will be some kinda improvement in a few weeks.
I am currently doing some research on councellors- bah, am very pessimistic about it at the mo tbh but have come across one, who seems promising so! Thanks for suggestions CU they are all pretty manageable ones.
Cant believe that situation with the Docter involving 'one issue to be tackled per session'...That sounds seriously frustrating- Id imagine if they had wanted to structure the session in such a way; they could have delivered it in a less controling manner and talked about the situation in relation to your immedite need,s rather than being so goddamn clinical about it. Clinical set ups can be so restrictive and Clinicians can act like trained monkeys sometimes!!!
Glad you felt a bit better this weekend anyway- you deserve a nice time!
@ Effie: Exactly Eff, you hit the nail on the head, Label's do stick!
I received CBT about ten yrs ago (one guy was fantastic, in so far as he knew where I was coming from... the other I didnt gel with or trust). Thanks for the suggestions ; really appreciate it hun- will look into it/links.
Am feeling a little bit better today but am avoiding so much atm(there is not enough space and time available; that I feel I need at the moment to feel secure)- just cant deal with RL. Hopefully the tablets will, eventually, help with social anxiety.
Will keep ye posted!
Hope your settling back in Bristol okay btw?...much to ya.
I am currently doing some research on councellors- bah, am very pessimistic about it at the mo tbh but have come across one, who seems promising so!
Thanks for suggestions CU they are all pretty manageable ones.Cant believe that situation with the Docter involving 'one issue to be tackled per session'...That sounds seriously frustrating- Id imagine if they had wanted to structure the session in such a way; they could have delivered it in a less controling manner and talked about the situation in relation to your immedite need,s rather than being so goddamn clinical about it. Clinical set ups can be so restrictive and Clinicians can act like trained monkeys sometimes!!!
Glad you felt a bit better this weekend anyway- you deserve a nice time!
@ Effie: Exactly Eff, you hit the nail on the head, Label's do stick!
I received CBT about ten yrs ago (one guy was fantastic, in so far as he knew where I was coming from... the other I didnt gel with or trust). Thanks for the suggestions ; really appreciate it hun- will look into it/links.
Am feeling a little bit better today but am avoiding so much atm(there is not enough space and time available; that I feel I need at the moment to feel secure)- just cant deal with RL. Hopefully the tablets will, eventually, help with social anxiety.
Will keep ye posted!
Hope your settling back in Bristol okay btw?...much
to ya.
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Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
don't worry at all- out of all of us you need to be taking care of yourself the most right now! I'm really glad you're settling back in, hope its going ok. i know you have lots of support down there, for which i'm very pleased.
and yes, i know you're an advocate of cbt and i really respect your opinion on these things, sounds like an amazing result he got, thank you for sharing. i am looking forward to giving it another try, and yeah. i don't know why i need a fallback plan. essentially i think i'm quite petrified of life and come up with all these ridiculous double standards for myself about what i need to just guarantee 'okness,' let alone happiness. then don't feel better if i meet any of my aims cos i move the goalposts.
the reality is i don't need anythign in the outside world for things to go ok for me, i need my head to change. being like this is the only thing jeopardising me from having a really decent life. any help i get will be gladly received.
Asclepius- glad you're feeling a little better, sounds like you're still in a really difficult place though. feeling unsafe is horrible, and the places we make that feel safe often aren't, take care of yourself.
and yeah it is really annoying about the docs- they do it to stop people saving up problems which is understandable but they don't need to be so hard line. one complex problem looks nothing remotely like a list of problems.
feel like a rabbit in the headlights. i have to give a talk next week, and then one internationally next month. kinda looping between utter panic and tears, and numbness. i feel like i'm finally goign to be exposed, to the whole fucking world, as an idiot.
hope you're both having a nice evening.
xxx
VanWeyden
Bluelighter
Hey chinup,
I can relate to your problems so much... rushing from challenge to challenge and from success to sucess only to be able to accept myself. And everything i achieve is forgotten so fast. I always put the most difficult task on my agenda, no matter if it is university, sports, side jobs or private life. It dont care about choosing goals i can identify with, they just have to be hard to achieve. I have to prove that im not an idiot all the time, only to myself. That leaves my so sick and tired.
I know i have to cut down a bit to recover... look for things i enjoy. But i find myself caught in that unhealthy behaviour so often...
I can relate to your problems so much... rushing from challenge to challenge and from success to sucess only to be able to accept myself. And everything i achieve is forgotten so fast. I always put the most difficult task on my agenda, no matter if it is university, sports, side jobs or private life. It dont care about choosing goals i can identify with, they just have to be hard to achieve. I have to prove that im not an idiot all the time, only to myself. That leaves my so sick and tired.
I know i have to cut down a bit to recover... look for things i enjoy. But i find myself caught in that unhealthy behaviour so often...
soundsystem00
Bluelighter
Just had an epic win today with my MHMR intake. Got accepted.
Bout to start a regiment of SSRIs and STIMs
winning
Bout to start a regiment of SSRIs and STIMs
winning
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
vanweyden- sorry you have to put up with this shit too. argh its just so annoying, i know where my thought patterns are going wrong but feel unable to change them. i don't know when i'll be able to accept myself just for being me, when i'll have done enough to consider myself a worthiwhile human being. but all i need to do is set a level playing field. if i could smash my brain into tiny pieces and somehow still be alive i would do it right now, it deserves it. sometimes feel like smashing it anyway.
just feel very... not good... right now.
i hope you manage to give yourself a break, i bet you deserve one.
soundsystem- not really sure what MHMR is but v glad you're pleased.
just feel very... not good... right now.
i hope you manage to give yourself a break, i bet you deserve one.
soundsystem- not really sure what MHMR is but v glad you're pleased.
PendulumAM
Bluelighter
My therapist and I just started Dialectical Behavior Therapy for my social anxiety and depression. There are some really good points and lessons in it, but even though I try so hard to remember them, I still feel so depressed in every day life. Yesterday I was moping around the whole day thinking about how I have no one to talk to. I stopped at my one friends house and she wasn't there. My 21st birthday is coming up in less than 3 weeks and I have no one to celebrate with. Even just going to a restaurant would make me happy. When I was driving home from work last night, I stopped at a gas station and the cashier was having a conversation with some girl about what she was doing tonight and even that made me sad. I have no one to do anything with. And then my social anxiety keeps making me think that no one would want to hang out with me anyway, because I'm weird and boring. PAWS from coming off of a long opiate habit and suboxene doesn't help either. My therapist suggested an antidepressant but I've heard so many horror stories that have put me off from trying them.