I don't think you all realize.... I went through in patient opiate detox on my own volition after I had bought 2 grams of a fentanyl analog that was supposed to be the potency of fentanyl, but was one tenth the potency and gave mainly nods and very slow onset pain relief iv... It was odd. I could've bought 10 grams a month after that 2 grams lasted a week, but the withdrawals the day after convinced me otherwise when I could usually be fine with a dime of dope only to need 120$ worth to get well fortunately for one day only.
After detox I was still denied pain management for months where the first month I used a half lb worth of PST once a day dosing, which was okay at first, but obviously only at first so it led to methadone again. I went through the bullshit multiple times to give them clean pee before the pain management took me. Finally when they did I was back on heroin thinking I might kill myself if it didn't work out without plans. They did give my doctor permission to prescribe.... Two 15 mg Morphine ER, which is 1/4 the strength of my methadone dose where if I took it twice a day as prescribed I would've been nodding all day and uncomfortable all night so I ended up taking it 6 pm and 12 pm about until we agreed I'll use it at 30 mg at night until I could speak to the PM were he was supposed to change the plan to something that would replace the methadone as the NMDA antagonism leaves me emotionally simulated causing behavioral issues that become distracting and detramental, but they never acknowledged that leaving me on methadone somehow ending up with hydromorphone 2 mg twice, which did about nothing even IV at 4 mg and I tried taking it right working up slow first having withdrawals then still pain especially with the fact there was not enough prescribed to manage the dependency let alone the pain. I complained for 4 weeks following their dose at the highest, 2 weeks suplimenting morphine I told them about and when I was not going to be able to continue getting it so without a dose increase I would end up relapsing on heroin as it would be all that I could obtain, and finally the last 2 weeks out of 26 I used where I was the most product I had been. I was promised it wouldn't be used against me to cut me off as I was following treatment and making progress.... Instead the exact opposite happened and they cut me off, called me an addict, called me a drug seeker, accused me of just trying to manage emotional pain from when I was raped with the opiods when I quit using after being raped only to be told by a hospital to start again when I came asking for in patient psych as I was tired of the pain and needed someone to help me get out of bed every day, have something to throw up the pep medication, help make healthy food, etc. only to be told to get back on the pain meds only to get cut off at an extremely high dose after the suicide attempt being hit by a car leading to another suicide attempt cutting my wrists during a situation with my family showing up one morning saying they are giving up on me and I'll have to go back to the room I was raped after establishing living with my grandfather illegally without notice only to harass me as I beg them to give me space to get dressed and deal with it as I tried to keep myself covered with a blanket looking for my cell to call the police to mediate as my cousin literally stood in the doorway watching me do this undressed as I begged them to leave and give me the space to dress trying at one point to walk to get the hallway phone when my cousin left for a second only to push me back in essentially refusing to move even after asking saying please three times only to tell me to say please probably hoping I would push her to make me look bad as I paced saying they were keeping me hostage not letting me leave my room or seek outside help for meditation to where I saw the blade and cut my wrists where they refused to call the ambulance and I had to look for my cell phone on my bed bleeding a fair bit yet not a fatal amount as I didn't know what I was doing and crying to the dispatcher about everything only for them to install a new lock on the place preventing me from getting my belongings when I first came by. That's just one of many incidents.... People don't even fucking know the shit I go through
All of this time I would be at my job with the right dose of opiods as I was shooting heroin until I couldn't afford what I needed. I could move out of the room I was raped into a sober living environment and actually live in a normal house. I could do the stretches and everything needed to get over the pain and beat this opiod dependency and addiction to pain management as I'd give my left and right nut if it meant no pain. I could go to school to do work in the system to change things so no one else deals with the shit I do and actually develop an opiod dependency treatment system that involves learning the root cause of use be it addiction to affect afraid of withdrawals, self medicating depression and/or anxiety, or managing chronic pain that needs treating while creating a regulated access system that ends diversion as well as never again neglecting those who do need opiods for pain. I could make something of my life rather than fall through societies cracks being a retail slave living paycheck to paycheck just to buy enough heroin for the month rather then having the access to prescription formulations at the right dose and sustained or immediate release formulation.
To the pain doctor though I'm crazy... No opiods will ever be enough... I might have to be on opiods for life... Just a drug seeking addict who doesn't care about the fact he's risking his DEA license to help as if the DEA will cut his license immediately no question for providing me the effective dose as he constantly made sure to provide only enough to develop a dependency knowing it would trigger me to use so he could then gain the evidence he needed to call me an addict and rationalize to the system that he is not doing wrong abandoning me even though it affects my ability to pursue the treatment I need, being physical therapy and mental health evaluation/treatment, and accuse me of refusing treatment for not taking an SNRI as if I couldn't handle the SNRI effect of tramadol I'm sure a full one would be an issue. As if the physical therapy as mental health evaluation wasn't treatment as the drugs for maintenance he wanted to give me was even though it would cause serratonin syndrome with harmine (a RIMA[MAOI]) only to say that's considered self medicating grounds to cut one from opiod treatment even saying taking St John's wort from Safeway would be considered "self medicating" grounds for termination. By his theory I couldn't take melatonin, l-dopa, l-theanine, etc. while prescribed pain medication under contract as it would be considered self medicating and grounds to discontinue. Fucking bullshit I say he was dead set from the beginning to fuck me over and ruined the effort I made in detox to stop being called a drug addict so I could recieve treatment only to have my asshole PCP, who thinks since methadone gives me 2-4 hours in the afternoon I'm "nodding" while I withdraw more and more till it's unbearable before 24 hours even at 30 mg that doesn't allow me to return to my morning position to sarcastically suggest I get an afternoon job, started calling me an addict now that the pm doctor did as well as my new methadone counselor who was a complete idiot and refused to acknowledge anything I have been through leaving me walking out on him telling him I'm not working with him because he can not help me as he's fixated on the idea I'm a drug seeking addict without real pain when everyone refuses an MRI on the bullshit excuse that it cost to much for insurance when they know it will show the problems I complain about backing up everything I say showing I'm not just an addict. I'm sick of it. My BHS is still on my side, but she can't do much and my psychologist was going to make an evaluation report, but that isn't going to happen as he has it, but to provide it would cause a bill my mother might not pay leaving me with something I can't afford.
Speaking of my mother completely ignoring me. My father isn't now because he's out of town, but I bet he will be pissed when he gets back if nothing changes. Hopefully my friend tommorow will help me accomplish that obtaining the necessary dope to get me well so I can go back to my job without being in an abusive relation without relying on a toxic relationship as a source of support for the dope when I can't. It's just a stupid situation that would be a lot easier if these labels didn't carry the stigma they did leading to doctors making corrupt and inappropriate decisions deciding someone will never be satisfied without even giving them the chance nor that they will be able to recover essentially dehumanizing them calling them broken addicts who should just be happy they can spend the rest of their life on teeth eating methadone or teeth eating Suboxone. I don't want to live on opiods... I'm addicted to pain relief... Not opiod use
