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Relapse Homicidal ideation after benzo relapse

Many of us feel like that to some extent and it's probably becoming more prevalent. Are you in withdrawal from substances? It always changes my mental state for the worse, usually a lot of crying about the state of humanity, my inability to control my cravings, then more drug seeking behavior to suppress those feelings. I've become way too isolated because when I actually do talk to people sometimes I can see ways in which I'm like them rather than differences. It has the potential to create some empathy towards others. We're kind of all in this together. Wishing you some relief from your suffering.
 
CFC said:
Sometimes when we get frustrated for so long (often at ourselves and our lives), the anger builds up so badly that it kind of flips outwards (projection), and we start blaming everyone around us and want to kill them all in a fireball of rage and fury.

You've probably seen this before in the news; it never ends well for anyone. And usually it affects a whole bunch of people who aren't in any way even tangentially to blame, and aren't really just pointless complicit sacks of flesh either. And some of them are actually as fucked up and angry as yourself, looking for some way to offload.

What things in life do you actually like?
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Meth, cigarettes, and sex with cheap trashy women with low standards
 
Well I bike too but I am a man of vice, I feel as though my binges and not too recent near fatal overdose shpongled me a bit lol (gulp).


@captain.heroin
I've been told I've only seen the worst of people and drugs and that's all I can seem to find. I'm not intelligent enough to figure out basic life skills and delayed gratification, drugs are all I can really understand
 
cyberius said:
Well I bike too but I am a man of vice, I feel as though my binges and not too recent near fatal overdose shpongled me a bit lol (gulp).
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Kempo
Biking
Sex
Cigarettes
Drugs

That's a start. What else?

Food?
TV?
Films?
Travel?
Nice scenery?
Animals?

I realise you've spent the last year or two getting fucked up, and think you've killed your brain and become a retard or whatever, but that happens a lot to a lot of people, and it's too easy to think that what you're thinking or feeling right now is all there is. That feeling/thought, by the way, is total depression-mindset bullshit.

I would recommend you find some thing(s) to do with your life (other than drugs). Thinking about doing things you enjoy is a start. But something to make the days seem worth living is another. For most people it's getting an education, a job, then a career, relationship (or ten), pets, kids, mortgages, annual vacations, a fucking white picket fence, etc etc etc. But that's probably not going to be the path you need or want. Nor is it what lots of other people want. So they do other stuff.

So start thinking about something you could do with your life. I mean you might as well do something, or else you'll get utterly bored, take drugs, and be stuck like this getting pissed off and angry at yourself, your life, your family and everyone else forever.
 
CFC said:
Kempo
Biking
Sex
Cigarettes
Drugs

That's a start. What else?

Food?
TV?
Films?
Travel?
Nice scenery?
Animals?

I realise you've spent the last year or two getting fucked up, and think you've killed your brain and become a retard or whatever, but that happens a lot to a lot of people, and it's too easy to think that what you're thinking or feeling right now is all there is. That feeling/thought, by the way, is total depression-mindset bullshit.

I would recommend you find some thing(s) to do with your life (other than drugs). Thinking about doing things you enjoy is a start. But something to make the days seem worth living is another. For most people it's getting an education, a job, then a career, relationship (or ten), pets, kids, mortgages, annual vacations, a fucking white picket fence, etc etc etc. But that's probably not going to be the path you need or want. Nor is it what lots of other people want. So they do other stuff.

So start thinking about something you could do with your life. I mean you might as well do something, or else you'll get utterly bored, take drugs, and be stuck like this getting pissed off and angry at yourself, your life, your family and everyone else forever.
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I just can't find the motivation, my parents abuse me and tell me my plans are wrong and stupid. It hurts to think and process nowadays
 
I can't fucking handle goal oriented behavior or following directions, focus and motivation are severely impaired and I can't get meds for adhd anymore because im a fuckup junkie trash. I think with my feelings a lot and I don't understand why. I'm too emotionally unstable to function
 
My depression just makes me to apathetic and indifferent to the world..

I can't even find the right choice of words anymore, nothing ever really connects like it used to and I don't think I can really function anymore like I used to
 
cyberius said:
I just can't find the motivation, my parents abuse me and tell me my plans are wrong and stupid. It hurts to think and process nowadays​

I can't fucking handle goal oriented behavior or following directions, focus and motivation are severely impaired and I can't get meds for adhd anymore because im a fuckup junkie trash. I think with my feelings a lot and I don't understand why. I'm too emotionally unstable to function

My depression just makes me to apathetic and indifferent to the world..

I can't even find the right choice of words anymore, nothing ever really connects like it used to and I don't think I can really function anymore like I used to
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You aren't fuckup junkie trash. You've likely helped countless people on here. Who knows how many good people you've talked down from a ledge or gave good advice to and they ended up alive.

First of all, the following I'm mentioning because I feel like we have some things in common. For example, I think about killing at least one person everyday. Lots of times I fantasize about having a little red button that would instantly incinerate 90% people on Earth right where they stand. I go pretty deep with these daydreams and they can last for quite a while imagining random scenarios that people are in where they spontaneously and horrifyingly burst into flame. Whether it be in traffic, at work, during an altercation, whatever it may be. I don't lose my temper as much anymore mostly because of guilt (read below) and because of my size, the danger of killing someone in a fight and spending the rest of my life in prison is a actual possibility.

Second of all, I never thought I would share this with ANYONE. I really hope this helps you. Not even on the internet anonymously-

As a juvenile I ended up in IYC because I committed a retaliatory violent crime. I'm not going to get into the details of it because I'm still ashamed and still hate myself for it. Despite it being almost 20 years ago, the guilt still eats me up inside. Sometimes I can't sleep because I toss and turn with self-hatred, I play it over and over again in my head and I just want to scream. A lot of my suicidal ideations stem from this incident.

Then came IDOC. I've been violently and emotionally abused my whole life by the people who were supposed to love me. Therefore I was never shocked by what people are capable of doing to me in prison. The real shock came when I learned what kind of monster I can become and what awful things I am capable of doing to other human beings. In retrospect not really a surprise because I had really good teachers who really knew how to torture me when I was growing up. Since it was okay for everyone to treat me like shit, I thought that's how the world was. The hatred I had for myself and the world I took out on anyone who crossed me. The things I've done with my two hands still haunt me to this day, please don't make the same mistake.

I work everyday to forgive myself but no matter how many forests I clean up, addicts I take in, flowers I plant, soup kitchens I volunteer at or rivers I clean up the blood is always still on my hands. The only reason I haven't taken my own life yet is because of my mother. She's lost all of her other children and I'm all that she's left.

Finally, there were plenty of world-changing geniuses that were addicts. Just google it. What if you're one of them? Hang on there, friend.
 
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tombs; I am sorry to hear about what you went through. You sound like a good person underneath it all.

cyberius: parents are supposed to trash their kids plans. If parents always had their way, we'd all be doctors, or lawyers, or surgeons, etc. Have your own plans in life. Don't feel bad about them.
 
PLEASE get help and see a therapist or check into a mental hospital. DO NOT act upon your thoughts no matter how bad they get.
 
You don't hate people, you hate yourself but you're externalizing that hatred so you can blame the world rather than address your own shortcomings. There's a big difference between a misanthrope who grudgingly maintains friendships for his own benefit despite despising other people and then people like you who *can't* maintain relationships but want to blame their social shortcomings on *seven billion* people being flawed rather than accept that they might be the problem.
 
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